I know I have mood swings and I know I have said to people that if I go down to remind me that it is all part of the cycle and I will be ok in a few days. Yet I think I have it all wrong.
I feel the lack of counselling and lack of 1-1 support as a tremendous loss. I try to be brave about it but I am not. I don't know how I am going to get through my occ health meeting and then return to work without someone to air it all to. At this moment in time I feel about as ready for my work as a new born chick is to fly
I thought I had my pattern all sussed out and as early as this morning, I thought I was on my way back to feeling good again, I even deleted a negative thread I had written yeaterday, but I feel like I have been hit by a sledgehammer down into the pits this evening. It is not supposed to be like this. I just keep on crying and for long enough I thought I couldn't cry and now I just can't stop.
Hubby asked what was wrong with me and I told him I just feel bad and low. His answer was 'well you went for a run this morning, you should be feeling better!' yes I was! This morning! Then the endorphins worked their way outn of my system and I was left feeling bad again.
I am scared and because I am scared I want to do all the mad things I think about. My mad thoughts are returning with a vengeance, really scary ones and I have no doc to tell, no therapist no shrink. Even if I could see a shrink, I can't face another med change just now, it is to close to return to work. When I planned to return to work last time, I had no support and I couldn't do it, I literally ran away. I so want to go again. I have been making all my plans, I know where I am going if I go and it is as far as my car can take me. If I go this time, I lose my job for sure but the pressure is building like a pressure cooker.
It isn't just my mood swings as I have found myself slipping for a while. Turning down coffee with friends, going on nights out, having friends to the house, hiding in my room, going to bed as early as I can get away with.
My head feels full to bursting and tonight I really feel close to madness.
Happyone
xx