Recently my HA and symptoms have been awful....Today has been particularly bad but to be honest, the last two weeks or so have been as well. I've felt so messed up today.....I feel like I've not eaten in days and have just come out of the gym after an intense workout. Tired, weak and with shaky hands. On top of that I have a weird lightheaded feeling that makes my eyes feel like they're going to roll back and I just feel a bit drugged, It's hard to explain. Along with this I've been getting terrible headaches.

I don't know....I just feel a lot of mixed emotions right now. Fear, worry, anger, sadness and some confusion too. I've suffered with a multitude of physical symptoms for two and a half years now. For two and a half years I have felt physically unwell every day, I never get a break. I can't take meds as I'm petrified of even taking paracetemol....I tried Citalopram once but only lasted three days. My girlfriend begs me to take something for it like propranolol or diazepam but I just cant do it.....to me, taking meds is as terrifying as death.....she Is trying to get me to have some Hypnotherapy to get over this fear of medication too but I don't know how effective that'll be. I've had numerous rounds of CBT and I've watched so may amazing videos on YouTube like Dennis Simsek aka the anxiety guy but here I am, still struggling with symptoms. I feel trapped and It petrifies me that I can't seem to get over it.

I've had some tests done recently and all of them came back completely clear, just like they always do. I have two voices, one say's this and that is going to happen to me and I've have this problem and that problem and the other says that all of this is my HA and I am not in any danger whatsoever. I listen to that last voice but then the symptoms get ridiculously bad and it's not long before I start believing the first voice. I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take, it's brutal.....Living in constant fear and uncertainty. About a year ago the HA got so bad I was moved into supported accommodation...I'm still here but I thought I'd of recovered by now. I know I shouldn't put a timeframe on recovery but it's hard not to when all I really want is to get better.

I have so much to do as well, so many errands to run but I just can't do any of them right now as I just feel so physically unwell yet alone the agoraphobia I have. Ahhhh I'm just so scared, fed up, down and lost right now. I know I've used so much victim language here and that's something I try to avoid when I can but honestly, right now, I don't care. I just felt like I needed to have a moan because I feel so mixed up right now. To end on a positive note, I know that when I beat this (And by the Gods I will) there will be nothing that I can't overcome. Me and you, the person reading this, and everyone else that suffers like this...we are so damn strong. In a sense, we face death on a daily basis because when we have a panic attack and when we have symptoms we are CONVINCED that we're going to die. When we beat this, which we will, there will be no challenge we can't overcome....truly. That Is what I'm holding on to right now.