Relapse ?! Or just one of those things.

[Mell1988]

Hi,

I am feeling terribly selfish now as it's been so long since I posted here (I've lurked a bit lately but since I was feeling a bit better then I haven't really posted). I hope you are all well.

I just feel like my anxiety is returning again - basically, to sum up I have alot of anxiety worries about my sons health based on symptoms and problems he has had in the past which are very real, however, I've linked them to a more serious illness which became an obsession for me, even though he was tested for this illness (at my insistance rather than the doctors) and it was negative.

It's almost like my anxiety over this is my "comfort zone" which probably sounds so silly because I hate feeling like this, but I seem to just revert back to it like a bad habit.

I've been seeing a counsellor once a month for a few months as well as being on sertraline and she has helped me try and determine where this comes from, but I still seem to find it hard to shake this unhappy spiral I end up in. There are definitely some issues in my life that are probably contributing to it, ie. my mother has a chronic illness (not the same one that I fear my son has) which was diagnosed when I was only about 4 or 5 and also my son had quite a turbulent first year (nothing life threatening but he has allergies and suffered with reflux so it was quite a rough time). He is much better now (Still has the allergies) but outgrew the reflux. My counsellor feels both of these have contributed to added anxiety and that I just can't seem to shake this link that my sons symptoms must be the result of something more serious rather than just allergies.

Why can't I just live life without worrying all the time ? Why is it I am so obsessed with something that is so terrible even though I'm the only person who thinks there's an issue ???

I think it just seems to come down to a deep inferiority complex that I almost don't trust myself to be a good mother - and I just keep worrying that I have missed something serious, and I am doing my son a favour by constantly thinking/worrying about this. I used to be terrible for surfing the internet using his symptoms as a starting point (which was where I uncovered this disease in the first place) and I started to do it again this week but fortunately managed to stop myself after a few mins and had a good word with myself. In the past, I have started doing this and then it's resulted in a downward spiral of finding things out on the internet which then set me off thinking down the same lines again that my son is ill.

Arrgh this doesn't make much sense to anyone else (barely makes any to me) but I just feel I needed to rant a bit.

Don't get me wrong, I love being a mother and my son is the best thing to ever happen to me - why can't I be happy with that ? Why am I always thinking that there must be something else wrong ?

Sorry to bore you all!

[Meg]

Hi Mel,

I remember this ...

Are you still obsessing about the same congenital disease or are you now worried about new illnesses.

You know that owqever bad or good a Mum you are it will not lead to or heal this illness.

I would question why you plumped for this illness - was there something on the first www that caught your attention so strongly- something about being pregnant or in the pre conceptual phase .

Well done for managing to talk yourself out of it recently - thats progress.

Its very easy to keep ourselves busy with old habits in times of stress.


Meg

It is impossible to get out of a problem by using the same kind of thinking that it took to get into it.
- Albert Einstein.

[Mell1988]

Hi Meg,

Thanks for responding so quickly - you helped me out of this "blip" last time by talking some clear medical sense into me if I remember rightly.

Yes it is the same illness (cf) - somehow if it was different diseases I would probably find it easier to handle as I would know I was being neurotic.

The fact that I keep obsessing about the same one just seems to make me wonder more and more about why I can't get it out of my head and whether there's some "mother's intuition" taking over telling me that my son has this (despite the negative test).

I really dont know why this disease came up, basically when my son had reflux I was looking on the internet for help on how to handle it and I somehow came across cf at some point. From there I then told myself that my son "fit the bill" of this illness.

At the time, his weight wasn't great (probably due to the reflux/food allergies) and did have problems with a persistent cough (again probably from the reflux) and a chest infection round about the same time.

This all happened around the same time and I was convinced my son had cf even though the doctors and a paediatrician both said that they didn't think it was likely and his health concerns were due to food allergies and the reflux.

However as I was so determined they said they would do a test as due to the fact that it was non-invasive etc. Anyway, he had the test about a month later (during which time I got more and more stressed) and it came back negative.

This gave me some relief at the time as I basically said to myself that my anxiety had to stop but since then it has re-occurred on a regular basis.

All in all my son is doing well - the reflux has stopped, he still has the food allergies and general allergies (hayfever, eczema etc.). His weight has climbed back up since the reflux stopped (now on the 75th centile which was his birth weight, height the same which never tapered off).

So my "logical head" here says - if he had cf it would be a downward spiral as he is now nearly 3 and the test was done at 8 months old. If he had undetected and untreated cf for over 2 years I would have imagined the cough would be worse, the weight wouldn't have improved and the reflux/sickness wouldn't have improved.

Despite this, I still think there's a possibility as the symptoms are still in the same "ballpark" that he could have it.

I feel like I have such a battle between my "level head" and my "anxiety head".

The counsellor says that as the symptoms are in the same area then I have to accept there is a certain link there that will never change (ie my son DOES have food allergies and general allergies which can present with similar type symptoms to cf - ie. sniffles, cough, digestive issues) but I need to try and stop myself from making this leap from the symptoms he genuinely has than to those of cf.

Sorry I've rambled again - but thanks.

Take Care
xxx

[Mell1988]

Hi Meg,

I'm on a roll now. Just wanted to give you an example of how I feel.

I am a bit on edge at the moment and I rang my MIL (who has our son on a Monday) to see how he was doing.

Excuse the topic that follows -

We have toilet trained him about a month ago and all is going great but my MIL went into great detail when I rang her about how he'd had a HUGE POO on the potty today and how big it was and how she'd never seen one so big (I would imagine unless she has a problem she doesn't really see many in such close proximity except her dogs so I'm not sure what she's comparing it to !).

Anyway, it was a very "off the cuff" remark as far as she was concerned but it sent me back into a panic.

I know (from my previous surfing) that another symptom of cf is bulky stools so off I go again thinking "Well if she mentions it's that big then it must be a problem" and worrying etc. etc. etc.

Of course, it could be nothing and basically just a big poo (Sorry again - being a parent makes you less embarrassed about these things!) particuarly as he had weetabix yesterday which I know tends to have that effect (sorry sorry).

But of course, I felt the panic setting in. Started surfing on the internet under "bulky stools" and knew fine well if I kept looking I'd come up with cf as a result. Anyway, I stopped myself just after starting but now I feel so guilty because it seems as if nothing has changed - whenever I get anxious I start surfing for things that I know deep down will make me more anxious.

So I came on here instead!!

Rant over. Thanks.

:-)

[seh1980]

hi Mell,

All I can say is that you're not alone with these thoughts. When us worriers get an idea into our head, it is very difficult to get rid of them!! I have had thoughts like that in the past and they have only gone away through relaxation tapes and talking them through with a counsellor. Good luck!!

Sarah

[stimpy]

Hi Mel

The WWW can be a dangerous thing for an anxiety sufferer.
Admittedly it can be full of useful information.
But us panickers have a nasty habbit of seeing something and jumping to the conclusions that we've got it.

Everyone worries about how well their children are doing.
The fact that you are showing concern, proves that you are a good mother.

When us worriers get an idea into our head, it is very difficult to get rid of them.

Hang in there hun and try to remain level headed.


Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.


[]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'

[Mell1988]

Hello again,

Thanks for all your support. Having another bad day and have reverted back to my usual thing of surfing the internet but managed again to stop myself after a little while.

Then I started feeling so annoyed with myself that I allowed myself to fall back into the old pattern when I swore so hard this time round I wouldn't (as let's face it nothing productive will be gained from it).

Anyway, I'm going to try not and dwell on the negative and hopefully focus on the fact that I've felt like this before and can get myself out of it.

My worry now is that this is how the rest of my life will be - ie. good phases and bad phases but never truly putting the anxiety behind me.

Deep down I don't mean this but sometimes I feel my son will be better off without me as what kind of mother am I when I have this constant obsession that there is something wrong with him ? I really do try hard to make sure it doesn't show but as he gets older I'm sure he will pick up on my anxiety (he's 3 now).

Why can't I just have fun with my happy little boy and let the future worry about itself ?

One of my friends husbands was diagnosed with leukaemia a few months ago (came totally out of the blue) - he is doing OK at the moment with treatment but I would have thought that should have made me realise that it's important to enjoy the present day as you never know whats around the corner - and worrying ain't going to change anything.

Maybe a few more counselling sessions will help - at the last one I was so upbeat and positive, feel like my next one will almost be like the first...

:-(

Take Care all of you
xxx