my story/fear of schizophrenia

[Lakme]

Hello, i don't expect many replies to my messages as I don't get very many on here but I hope that I can talk to a couple people on here every once in a blue moon.

I am still googling unfortunately, and getting a job has allowed me to develop some progress. The idea of schizophrenia is still plaguing my mind

My mom is schizophrenic and although I found someone on here who was in a similar situation I'm still particularly scared half to death of the idea of inheriting such a thing. My biggest fear comes from the fact that I harbor some particularly large ambitions and have had for most of my life and you can probably imagine what that would be like. I've even talked about it with some family members.

"Do you think I'll ever end up like my mom with schizophrenia?"

"if you did there's nothing you could do about it."

That's not a particularly comforting notion. It scares the living crap out of me.

I had finally got out of the loop I was in and started to obsess over this bs. It's so debilitating. It's like, you would KNOW if there was a giant tumor sticking out of your forehead but you wouldn't KNOW anything if you were schizophrenic. I've been doing relatively well for the past month but in the last couple of days my nonsensical googling started to get to me, and I had been improving imperatively.

Now I feel like I'm looking for hallucinations more than ever.

I was at work and I was wondering if my boss was outside because I heard keys jingling. I learned that no, it was not in fact my boss but probably the radio and that scared the hell out of me because I thought I was wildly misinterpreting the sound. I then realized as one of our regular customers was walking in that HE was the one with the keys and I felt like a total idiot!

Not to mention in the past 3 days I had to deal with 3 schizophrenic customers only one of which was particularly normal because she was on antipsychotics. The other was drunk and the third was covered in scabs from head to toe and screaming outside on the patio. You can image how disturbing this is. The amount of seriously mentally ill people in my town makes me wonder it's due to all of the meth here or if there's truly something in the water like that town where everybody kept getting cancer.

To top it off my mind has been looking for every possible chance to scare the living crap out of me. I was up late last night taking to my friend and in the corner of my eye it looked like a giant cockroach was moving across the floor and when I turned to look it wasn't there. And this morning I thought one of our security cameras was turned to the side in the corner of my eye and when I turned to look it was facing a different direction. This doesn't help as I read a VICE article today in which someone who suffered an acute psychosis was working at a job and they heard phones ringing all the time and they thought that bottles on the shelves looked like they were about to tip over.

You can see where this is going...

I kind of fear going to a therapist or psych now but I really feel as if I'm not handling things as well as I should.

There's no way in hell I would want to be put on antidepressants again. I went down that route and I was acting so different from my normal self that some of my good friends stopped talking to me.

Can anyone help? I know people don't usually reply to me but thanks.

[ankietyjoe]

There are two things you need to do.

1) Stop googling, immediately.

2) Go to a therapist, immediately.

You seem to be at the point where you're looking for confirmation of something you already believe to be so.

What you describe as your symptoms, aren't even remotely close to what schizophrenia actually is, let alone being able to diagnose people that come to your work.

[Lakme]

There are two things you need to do.

1) Stop googling, immediately.

2) Go to a therapist, immediately.

You seem to be at the point where you're looking for confirmation of something you already believe to be so.

What you describe as your symptoms, aren't even remotely close to what schizophrenia actually is, let alone being able to diagnose people that come to your work.

Not to burst your bubble but I think I know what a schizophrenic looks like considering my mother is one. When somebody's hollering outside of your store and talking to himself outside and the guy is known for calling the cops on people because he thinks that there are dead bodies inside of his neighbors houses and he's constantly breaking into their houses and doing meth and heroin, it's safe to say that there's something wrong with him. The cops in our neighborhood know him if you get my drift. The lady I was talking about also informed me that she was diagnosed with the disease so I think I have somewhat of an idea of what I'm talking about, even if I'm just being paranoid about my own perceptions about my anxiety.

[AntsyVee]

All of us who have a close family member who is schizophrenic or schizoaffective have always had a fear at some point of developing the same thing. However, most of us let it go after we pass the age of 30 and haven't had a psychotic break with reality. But you can't seem to...so what's the cause of this?

Well, you could have OCD, in which having schizophrenia is a common fear, and you just are unlucky enough to also have a mom with it. Have you ever obsessed over anything else?

Or you could have PTSD from growing up with a mom like that and that's why you can't seem to get over it.

Or you could just have really bad GAD...those usually GAD includes a general anxiety about many other things, especially those you have no control over.

I'm not sure what the cause is, but I do agree that therapy could help with all three. The fear you have of going to a therapist is really irrational; you should go to therapy when you need help handling things.

[Lakme]

All of us who have a close family member who is schizophrenic or schizoaffective have always had a fear at some point of developing the same thing. However, most of us let it go after we pass the age of 30 and haven't had a psychotic break with reality. But you can't seem to...so what's the cause of this?

Well, you could have OCD, in which having schizophrenia is a common fear, and you just are unlucky enough to also have a mom with it. Have you ever obsessed over anything else?

Or you could have PTSD from growing up with a mom like that and that's why you can't seem to get over it.

Or you could just have really bad GAD...those usually GAD includes a general anxiety about many other things, especially those you have no control over.

I'm not sure what the cause is, but I do agree that therapy could help with all three. The fear you have of going to a therapist is really irrational; you should go to therapy when you need help handling things.

I'm 21 years old. I'm around THAT age. That's what scares the crap out of me. I have "obsessions" but most of them are/were good obsessions. Hobbies, etc.

Also I'm not scared of a therapist, I'm more worried about a psych. I'm not interested in being on meds after my experience with them. I've been through counseling before but for a different reason. I was a bit paranoid but I had a good reason to be, I got into an infamous altercation at my old high school and the person said after they got out of the hospital that they were going to "find" me.

I never grew up around my mother, she's been homeless for most of my life, but every once in a while she's swung by and the last time I talked to her she accused me of having two kids and doing meth with a distant cousin.

My serious anxiety started a few months after my uncle had passed away, I was seriously depressed and I stopped enjoying things that I used to. I became obsessed with the notion that his death was indirectly somebody's fault and not his own.

I started having panic attacks a couple months before it hit me the hardest. I got food poisoning one night and when I woke up the next morning it was like there was something wrong with my vision. I thought I had glaucoma and that was how my hypochondria started. That was in February 2016, and it's taken me so long to realize that the way that I saw things at that point in my life was wrong. I was pretty resentful towards people and only until recently did I decide to let go of my hatred for a couple people and it's allowed me to feel better, especially now that I got a job. It took me forever to realize that I didn't have celiac disease or cancer or anything ridiculous like that and my main argument was always that I had lost weight, therefore there must be something seriously wrong.

[AntsyVee]

Yeah, I can understand. My mom is schizoaffective, and when I was in my early 20s, I wanted to make sure that I never turned into her. I don't know if I was as obsessed as you are, but it was a concern. Therapy and medication helped me a lot.

I'm in my late 30s now, so my time has passed. In 2014, I found the body of my best friend. Grief, especially if it's unexpected, definitely exacerbates anxiety. I developed PTSD from my experiences, and grief counseling was a must. My one regret is that I didn't go to grief counseling earlier...when I got PTSD, I was having multiple panic attacks daily. I also went back on medication. It was better the second time around. When I was on meds the first time, in my 20s, I didn't have the best luck. But a lot had changed in 10 years, and Lexapro has made a wonderful difference in my life.

Based on my experiences, I'd definitely recommend therapy and/or grief counseling. I wouldn't be alive without it.

As for medication, it can really change your life...but it is trial and error. You have to be willing to try different ones and at different doses in order to see what works for you. You also have to be willing to give it time to work, as most only work by building up in your system. You have to allow 6 to 12 weeks for your trial period; otherwise, you can't see if it's effective.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I was at work and I was wondering if my boss was outside because I heard keys jingling. I learned that no, it was not in fact my boss but probably the radio and that scared the hell out of me because I thought I was wildly misinterpreting the sound. I then realized as one of our regular customers was walking in that HE was the one with the keys and I felt like a total idiot!

Not to mention in the past 3 days I had to deal with 3 schizophrenic customers only one of which was particularly normal because she was on antipsychotics. The other was drunk and the third was covered in scabs from head to toe and screaming outside on the patio. You can image how disturbing this is. The amount of seriously mentally ill people in my town makes me wonder it's due to all of the meth here or if there's truly something in the water like that town where everybody kept getting cancer.

To top it off my mind has been looking for every possible chance to scare the living crap out of me. I was up late last night taking to my friend and in the corner of my eye it looked like a giant cockroach was moving across the floor and when I turned to look it wasn't there. And this morning I thought one of our security cameras was turned to the side in the corner of my eye and when I turned to look it was facing a different direction. This doesn't help as I read a VICE article today in which someone who suffered an acute psychosis was working at a job and they heard phones ringing all the time and they thought that bottles on the shelves looked like they were about to tip over.

You misinterpreted the event with the keys BUT it was still someone with a bunch of keys jingling them. Isn't that just a mistake? Don't you think people make mistakes like that all the time? So, not a hallucination but a simple error and it's only that you are creating a greater link between that and the context of your fear.

The giant cockroach event sounds like a case of something on the ege of your vision being misinterpreted, which we all do at times e.g. with shadows. If you were sleepy at the time it makes more sense as hallucinations in sleep phenomena are very common and completely normal due to the changes in normal brain functioning at those stages.

Camera viewed through the corner of your eye is again like the cockroach issue for me other than the possible sleepiness.

The thing is, OCDers are looking hard for signs of hallucination whereas someone actually experiencing them doesn't need to look hard because they are very clear to them. They may not be able to see they are experiencing problems with their mental health, like a schizophrenic often can't, but the experiences are clear as opposed to on the edge of vision or hearing. But hallucinations also have many reasons for them too, not just schizophrenia as bereavement can cause them as can sleep stages as I mentioned earlier.

[Lakme]

You misinterpreted the event with the keys BUT it was still someone with a bunch of keys jingling them. Isn't that just a mistake? Don't you think people make mistakes like that all the time? So, not a hallucination but a simple error and it's only that you are creating a greater link between that and the context of your fear.

The giant cockroach event sounds like a case of something on the ege of your vision being misinterpreted, which we all do at times e.g. with shadows. If you were sleepy at the time it makes more sense as hallucinations in sleep phenomena are very common and completely normal due to the changes in normal brain functioning at those stages.

Camera viewed through the corner of your eye is again like the cockroach issue for me other than the possible sleepiness.

The thing is, OCDers are looking hard for signs of hallucination whereas someone actually experiencing them doesn't need to look hard because they are very clear to them. They may not be able to see they are experiencing problems with their mental health, like a schizophrenic often can't, but the experiences are clear as opposed to on the edge of vision or hearing. But hallucinations also have many reasons for them too, not just schizophrenia as bereavement can cause them as can sleep stages as I mentioned earlier.

Bereavement makes sense in my previous situation. Around the time he died I was totally distraught. It was the strangest thing and it was amplified by the fact that my TV kept raising the volume by itself around the same time every night. Sometimes when I would go to sleep I would feel like somebody was standing behind me. That's when I used to believe in ghosts, I did for a very long time and I never saw a ghost in my life. I don't think I've ever been more freaked out but it makes more sense now. Ever since my OCD made me brush up on psychology I realized how complicated and normal visions and hallucinations are. It's strange because I don't fear the dark as much as I used to, and that fear had followed me since childhood. It's weird how the things you learn can affect your life.

As for the info, I'm glad to hear. I'm looking for things in my peripheral vision all the time and listening for sounds. Even monitoring my speech, mental processes and making sure I'm working at my job at full capacity. It's funny because my boss said that I didn't look too happy (and that scared the hell out of me because what did I think? Emotional blunting) although this was a day after I read that vice article about acute schizophrenia and it was bothering me. I even ask people "did you hear that?" "Was that your phone?". "Where did that noise come from"? It's strange how one can try to avoid such a conclusion while simultaneously mimicking it and driving myself into sleepless nights and panic attacks. I even thought I might have been hallucinating a man stealing beer from our store and when my boss checked the security camera the ******* snuck a beer under the counter while he was paying for a 6-pack at the register!

[MyNameIsTerry]

Someone standing near you whilst falling asleep/in field of vision, is a recorded hallunication in Hypnagogia (falling asleep and within 2 hours of falling asleep) & Hypnopompia (waking). These are normal sleep stages and anyone can experience many sleep phenomena during them including visual, auditory and olfactory hallucinations. The brain works quite differently during these sleep stages and whilst it's not related to anxiety, since it's normal brain functioning, anxiety is noted to increase it.

Experiencing hallucinations outside of those stages is when you consider other possibilities but like I said, there are others including bereavement so jumping to conclusions about schizophrenia is the typical negative thinking seen in anxiety disorders.

Anxiety heightens senses. I can remember hearing sounds louder (and people eating loudly used to drive me nuts!) and bright lights were an issue for me, when when anxiety was a lot worse. Then we tend to focus on anything we thik is a possible risk, typical fight or flight processing, but we used skewed negative thinking in doing so.

When you were asking people to confirm whether they heard things too, it's likely a compulsions aimed at getting a black-and-white thinking style answer. You want to know things for definite all the time. I remember doing that with asking people to repeat what they said as I felt like I really really really had to know or I would panic.

[Lakme]

Someone standing near you whilst falling asleep/in field of vision, is a recorded hallunication in Hypnagogia (falling asleep and within 2 hours of falling asleep) & Hypnopompia (waking). These are normal sleep stages and anyone can experience many sleep phenomena during them including visual, auditory and olfactory hallucinations. The brain works quite differently during these sleep stages and whilst it's not related to anxiety, since it's normal brain functioning, anxiety is noted to increase it.

Experiencing hallucinations outside of those stages is when you consider other possibilities but like I said, there are others including bereavement so jumping to conclusions about schizophrenia is the typical negative thinking seen in anxiety disorders.

Anxiety heightens senses. I can remember hearing sounds louder (and people eating loudly used to drive me nuts!) and bright lights were an issue for me, when when anxiety was a lot worse. Then we tend to focus on anything we thik is a possible risk, typical fight or flight processing, but we used skewed negative thinking in doing so.

When you were asking people to confirm whether they heard things too, it's likely a compulsions aimed at getting a black-and-white thinking style answer. You want to know things for definite all the time. I remember doing that with asking people to repeat what they said as I felt like I really really really had to know or I would panic.

It was actually while I was waking up if I remember correctly.

Today was also a terrible day. My phone is usually on vibrate so whenever I think I hear an iPhone beginning to ring or wildly misinterpret a different sound I start to freak. Today was a hellish day. I've read extensively on prodromal symptoms and how they correlate somewhat with lack of facial expressions. That scared me the other day because my boss was talking about how my attitude affects our transactions with the customers.

Today was probably one of the scariest.

We have music playing in our store so sometimes I wonder if I could be wildly misinterpreting that as a phone ringing or sounds from our touch pad on the cash register.

Above all, the scariest things that seemed to happen today were these.

I was helping out this Persian looking man with long eyelashes. I think he was buying cigarettes and when I pulled up from under the cash register, in the top of my field of vision it looked like he had a weird Cheshire Cat smile on his face.

Then while I was helping out one of the customers who was buying alcohol I thought I saw a lady walking around in the store. By the time I finished helping him I was ready to help her but I realized that she wasn't there. That scared the living shit out of me. I was trying hard to figure out how to look back at the security camera to see if that was what had happened, except to no avail because I had no remote to access the security cameras to see if she was just a person that walked out of the store because she didn't find whatever she was looking for.

Then, as a customer was walking in I thought someone was coming in behind him but when I looked behind him it turned out that he was by himself.

At the end of the day I usually turn the radio off. After I turned it off I thought I was hearing 70s/80s rnb playing from far away but I again realized I was wildly misinterpreting the plethora of mechanical noises that the various freezers and pipes in our store produces.

My mind is slowly trying to make my life hell again, but I'm really trying to move forward. I can't figure out how to get access to a therapist at the moment. I signed up for Medi-Cal a few months earlier in my hypochondriac state and it doesn't really seem like medi-cal spares a counselor/therapist/psychologist to those in mental distress.

I just hope tomorrow is a better work day. I tried to resist going back on this site for reassurance but it was bothering me so much...