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Thread: HOCD/ROCD feels real help me

  1. #1

    HOCD/ROCD feels real help me

    Hi

    I've been away for some time. Thought I was ok but now it's all back. I remember when I had TOCD (fear of being trans) that I would remember these past themes (HOCD/ROCD) and tell myself. Oh god I wish I was dealing with either of those now because I knew they were false. Well guess what. That went away and now I feel that HOCD is real again coupled with ROCD. Does that even happen? Do they combine? Over-lap?

    I've been crying all day, off work. These thoughts are consuming me. I will have to leave my wonderful Fiancé. Oh god I'm crying now.

    3 days ago a popular YouTuber I follow came out, who'd previously had relationships with the opposite sex. She says she's bi and kinda knew for a while. Well PING! I panicked. I don't have anything against the LGBTQ+ community. I have a few gay/lesbian friends. Now my brain is telling me that I've felt uncomfortable around them. Why? Why would I think that and feel that?

    When I was younger I did have a same-sex experience. It was a cousin. We were both young and best friends she was like a big sister that I would copy whatever she did and I looked up to. We used to play together as kids and I guess as we matured the games got more sexual?? Just touching and kissing. Nothing full-on. I've been ashamed about it for years and never told anyone. I think I even enjoyed it *big spike* at the time we were young teens (well she was older then me and we were role-playing)

    I confessed to my fiancé about this 2years ago at peak HOCD panic because that's what my mind latched onto. Telling me I was a closeted lesbian.

    Apart from what happened growing up I've never done anything since nor have I wanted to! I feel sick thinking about it.

    I remember I had this thought happen before when I was watching eurotrash and hearing a woman moaning erotically and I got aroused I spose. That coupled with what happened in the past made me panic so badly.

    I was crying and shaking I didn't sleep that night. It came to a head when I thought I must be a lesbian if I had that reaction I must come out to my mum. So I did!! I didn't feel better tbh I was still crying and She hit the roof. I immeadatly took it back. Then I panicked some more then I kinda forget what happened. I guess I calmed down and forgot about it.

    Oh god this all makes me look like a closet case.

    In school I only had crushes on boys, my celebrity crushes have been guys. Never girls. Not even secretly. Now this HOCD has flared up and is telling me I'm lying to myself! That my 9 year relationship is a sham and that I don't really love my fiance. God this makes me feel suicidal.

    My fiancé told me that experimentation is normal that everyone has done something with the same-sex but do they feel this level of shame?? Am I warping it out of all proportion? I do or have done some avoidant behaviour in the past (avoiding TVs shows, scenes in films because they made me feel anxious.)

    Supernatural-OCD is this even a real thing? At one point I thought the Slenderman was going to get me and make me hurt my loved ones, I saw an article on the killings and a thought popped into my head ( what if it's real and makes you stab your fiancé?) I freaked out and had a massive panic attack. I didn't sleep for moths. At one point swear I could even see things in the corner of my eyes! It seems stupid now but at the time I was convinced I was going insane. I confessed to my mum. She didn't help! Just told me not to stab her! This went on for months. I didn't work, eat, sleep or drink. I was terrified that I was turning into a serial killer.

    POCD - I heard I kid make this noise once and it sounded oddly erotic and I thought that and then bang I thought of a sexual image with a kid and I was then convinced I was a pedophile. I avoided children for weeks until it got replaced with another theme.

    I did that with harm-OCD (I wouldn't touch knives - thought I'd stab myself or my fiance or mum, had the urge to pour bleach in my eye so I couldn't look and cleaning products, had to wash my hands thoroughly if using them in case I got them in my eyes)

    With ROCD I got triggered by a friends breakup with a long-term boyfriend. I found I couldn't comfort her because it made me anxious, I avoided to shows/films with breakups weddings and lost my libido and feelings towards my fiancé.i thought I was actually going to end our relationship. I even had these doubts about getting engaged, even though I have wanted to marry him for years!

    With TOCD I kept seeing trans things everywhere and I would spike me hard, I didn't feel Like a woman anymore. I was convinced I was secretly a man. I cried a lot and couldn't go near makeup or clothes. I would just think that I felt like a man. That I would have to leave my life. That it was all lies and I was trapped. Any minute I would have to confess and come out as trans.

    My poor long-suffering fiancé knows all of these thoughts and has stood by me. I'm such an awful crazy person. I feel like my life is a lie. I don't trust myself or who I am or what I feel!

    I keep going online looking for reassurance that it is OCD and not truly all these things I feel. If I find the story that matches mine in any way I feel better then the doubt creeps back and I feel worse. Like I have to match exactly or it's not good enough. Or I find people saying it's all just denial and I freak out and add that to the constant loop in my head telling me/urging to come out or that I am not gay but what if?? My head gives me reasons for and against all the time at the mo and its entering my dreams. It's all I can think about. I don't want to eat, sleep, drink anything or even have a bath!! I need to stop this! I cannot cope!!

    Does OCD do this??

    ---------- Post added at 17:22 ---------- Previous post was at 15:46 ----------

    Please. Anyone?

    ---------- Post added at 18:08 ---------- Previous post was at 17:22 ----------

    I would just like to add that I'm NOT finding that I want to have sex with women at all, yes women can be seen as attractive by straight, bi and gay people regardless. I used to falsely believe if you that that then you must be gay. Now I know that's wrong. Regardless of this I'm still thinking I'm secretly gay and it's tearing me up inside.

    I now feel so emotionally numb. Like I'm not really here. I don't want to do anything/go anywhere. Eat, drink, sleep. I feel numb to my fiancé. I'm seconding guessing who I am and what I'm feeling. The only thing I'm feeling is panic and my thoughts going in a loop.

  2. #2
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    Re: HOCD/ROCD feels real help me

    OCD does do all of this and it definitely combines themes because mine crossed over into each other a lot.

    When you read about OCD it can seem like they are all categorised and it gives the impression they are distinct but that's far from the truth, it's just the easiest way to write it out so it's not one big block of text. If you look at how WHO describe OCD in their diagnostic manual they don't ever break it down that far, they look at the cycles & symptoms. OCD can be quite diverse so they would be always updating the terms if they used ones like we do.

    You've written quite a lot so I'll add a longer response later as I need to log off for a bit but I could see you were struggling and didn't want you to think no one is going to reply. There are so many things that you have said that I've even felt or seen in others with OCD so hang onto the rational thinking about why this is OCD and nothing you fear.
    __________________
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    For free Mindfulness resources, please see this thread I have created to compile many sources together http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=168689

  3. #3

    Re: HOCD/ROCD feels real help me

    Thankyou so much Terry. I didn't think anyone would reply and that made me feel like I'm alone or some sort of special snowflake that means what I fear is true. X

  4. #4

    Re: HOCD/ROCD feels real help me

    How do I know if this is OCD anymore? It feels real. I feel awful and not myself. What if this is my secret self?

  5. #5

    Re: HOCD/ROCD feels real help me

    Hey!
    You are not alone, I had the same with HOCD, luckily I've almost fully overcome it for now,okay sometimes the thoughts come but I'm bored of them, I'm like: Oh not you again, I don't care.I had the same urge to come out to my mom until I found HOCD. I had the same TOCD thoughts, and sometimes they come back that my HOCD is almost gone, and try to tell me that I'm secretly a boy. Which makes my situation more difficult is that I like playing videogames but I'm really really girly besides that. But you need to know that these are all OCD symptoms, you fear it because you don't want to do/like things you just really don't like.
    You need to stop caring.It feels real because it's OCD and it wouldn't exist if it couldn't trick you into believing how real it seems. Typical OCD symptom is that you look for reassurance for your OCD and not for how can you be happy as bi/lesbian, why? Because you knw deep down that this is OCD.You need to stop reassuring yourself, this is the hardest part but that was what helped me out of it.Agree with the thoughts, you will feel really really bad but afterwards you will see things more and more clearly, but remember this needs time. There is NO such thing as hidden, secret gay self that needs to be discovered. This was posted by the OCD center of Los Angeles.

    Stay strong, this is OCD.
    This article kept me sane during the hardest times, this may help you too.
    http://www.brainphysics.com/share/ho...pikes-and-lies

  6. #6

    Re: HOCD/ROCD feels real help me

    Thankyou for the link. Its true that I'm constantly looking for reassurance online that I'm not a lesbian all day. My mind keeps throwing out questions related to it and I have to google. Even then I'm reading through and finding reasons why it could be true and panicking. Almost twisting words in articles and posts to be the worst fear.( is this catastrophising?)

  7. #7

    Re: HOCD/ROCD feels real help me

    Hi NCoxie! As a bisexual woman myself (and it sounds to me very much as if you are experiencing symptoms of OCD as opposed to actual same-sex desires) I guess I'm wondering why you would think in the first place that being attracted to women necessarily would mean that you couldn't also be attracted to men? Even if you were attracted to women, and I really don't think you are, who cares? The fact that you had crushes on boys in school shows you are definitely attracted to men as well.

    Just as an edit, as I worry this looked a bit confrontational and that is very much not the intention - I'm saying this as I feel like if you can stop seeing being attracted to women as such a necessarily frightening and catastrophic thing it might help!
    Last edited by Wooster; 19-08-17 at 16:01.

  8. #8

    Re: HOCD/ROCD feels real help me

    Hi Wooster thankyou for replying. I guess it's very black and white for me. My mum told me when I was younger that Bisexuality was people making their mind up or secretly being gay. It's something my mind brings up every time I say to myself "hey you may be Bi."

    Your comments are not harsh btw.


    Now I'm fully in ROCD panic right now.

    I'm stuck with this singular thought.

    "What if you are better as friends??" "What if you just want to be best friends"
    It scares be because yes we are best friends. But we are engaged. And THAT in itself is scary and panicky but I don't know why? (Rocd spike right there) I don't feel any attraction. No libido. Nothing just panic.

    If this were the case I'd lose everything. I'd lose, our home, friends and not to mention him (why isn't that giving me more anxiety??)


    I wouldn't want to see him with anyone else!
    Are these normal ROCD thoughts?

  9. #9

    Re: HOCD/ROCD feels real help me

    I think this is all ocd. Have you tried breathing techniques or the Mindfullness app? I think they could help a bit in calming you. They helped and still help me when hocd thoughts occur. Stay strong.

  10. #10

    Re: HOCD/ROCD feels real help me

    Oh god. HOCD is back. It's tearing me up. I'm on my own in my flat going crazy.
    I read a coming out story as exposure now it's convincing me I must be closeted!!

    I feel sick. I'm trying to test my memories and how I feel about women and I just feel numb.

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