Anxiety and worry at all time high - worrying about depressed sister

[Anxiety Jim]

Originally posted this in the depression forum last week, but seems it may be a better fit here:

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This may be a bit of a different post to normal, but I'd really appreciate any help.

I've long suffered depression / anxiety myself, and have it mostly under control and stable.

My sister on the other hand has been depressed for 2ish years. She constantly says things like "can I die yet?", "please can someone murder me", "I don't want to live any more". And she can be in bed all day, and if you try and speak to her she'll reply with some unintelligible noise, you'll have to ask her to repeat every word 2 or 3 times before you understand what she's saying. I understand this can all be caused by depression.

She takes anti-depressants and sees someone for CBT. She's been getting worse the last few weeks, having week's off work sick etc, staying in bed all day crying etc. She also refuses to take any praise. For instance if she does some excersise I'll praise her for it, but she'll respond with "I did shit. Worse workout ever." I'll say something like "It's good that you even did it, you can be proud of that" and she'll say "No, it's shit".

She also claims to have never been happy her entire life. Which I know for a fact is bullshit, I grew up with her! Is she consciously making that up?

BUT, and this is the part I'm struggling to understand. She can be in bed all day, barely able to pronounce a word that I can understand, but then 30 minutes later, she can be getting dressed up to go out with her friends, be speaking very clearly (and very fast) running around the house doing her make-up etc.

I know that if I was depressed and in bed all day, I'd be more likely to cancel plans than suddenly be excited by them. Which has happened to me plenty of times. And even when I found the motivation, I often left the night early.

How is it possible to go from the extremes like that? Is she 'putting it on' a bit when she's at home, looking for extra sympathy? That might explain the very low effort 'words'. I don't think she's putting it on though...

Could it be bi-polar?

How can I help when she won't take any praise, or advice (cutting down on the alcohol as it's a depressant etc)?

My anxiety is sky-high right now, mainly because of worrying about her depression. Which is kind of ironic.

[AntsyVee]

It does sound characteristic of being bipolar, but it would be difficult to determine with the alcohol consumption mixed with the antidepressants. Also depending on how much she drinks, the alcohol could be blocking the effectiveness of her antidepressants.

One thing I have learned is that you can't help people who aren't ready to get help. It sucks, I know. We see it here on the forum all the time, and I've experienced it with my own family.

But one thing you can do is help yourself. You can go to therapy and work your own program and Learn not to be codependent on her moods.

[Anxiety Jim]

Thank you for the reply AntsyVee.

You mentioned being codependent, I had heard the word before but never really new what it meant. I've looked it up and I think parts of it do fit quite well to my situation.

Whenever my sister falls into a depression, I soon follow with severe anxiety, to the point where I'm checking social media to see when she was last active just to check she's still alive.

I always worry a bit about starting therapy. There are some dark things I did as a minor that I'm extremely ashamed of, and I don't think I could bare to discuss it.

[Catherine S]

It must be hard trying to help your sister when you are also struggling with mental health issues. However, after reading your post, i'd take a good guess that she's just loving the attention from you. I'm sorry if that sounds bad, but she sounds to me like a young girl seeking attention.

The fact that she can just flip from being supposedly depressed all day in bed, to being normal when going out with her friends in the evening? Bipolar doesn't really work that way, the highs and lows don't change gear that fast. She's mumbling about when she can die? Maybe to keep you on your toes. Perhaps she thinks your mental health problems are taking too much attention away from her? Sibling rivalry knows no bounds!

Concentrate on your own wellbeing and leave your sister to the professionals. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you are not responsible for her, only for yourself.

Take care
Cath S x

[AntsyVee]

Thank you for the reply AntsyVee.

You mentioned being codependent, I had heard the word before but never really new what it meant. I've looked it up and I think parts of it do fit quite well to my situation.

Whenever my sister falls into a depression, I soon follow with severe anxiety, to the point where I'm checking social media to see when she was last active just to check she's still alive.

I always worry a bit about starting therapy. There are some dark things I did as a minor that I'm extremely ashamed of, and I don't think I could bare to discuss it.

Yes, what you're describing is codependence. There are some great books out there on it. Check Amazon. The most classic one is "Codependent No More."

We all have our demons. I've never yet met a perfect person in this life, and the therapists haven't either. Trust me; they've seen way worse than whatever it is you're ashamed of. Do you want to keep your demons or get rid of them? Talking about them in therapy is one way to let them go. Until you decide to deal with them, they will always have a hold on you.