Having a really bad weekend

[Elle-Kay]

Last Tuesday was my birthday. My BF (who you may remember lives down south, while I live in Lincolnshire) obviously couldn't come for the day, so was coming up this weekend, when we'd have "birthday take II". Regardless of birthdays and whatnot though, the crux of the thing is: he got half way, decided the weather was too poor, and went back home again. If that was all, I wouldn't mind - I'd rather have him half a country away than in hospital after an accident. The problem is, I am obviously disappointed that he isn't here, but when I expressed that, he started blaming me, because I haven't yet been able to go down to visit him. It's a fair enough statement - I haven't been there, but he has known about my anxiety since day one of our relationship. I have NEVER hidden it from him, and he chooses NOW to use it as a stick to beat me with, and start on with the "I can't cope anymore".

Now, I realise I need to get over this, and I really, REALLY want to go down and stay with him. In my own mind, I've been getting better - I've started a full-time job, I've started going out to a Qigong class run by my boss once a week, I've started seeing a Chiropractor about my migraines and the tension I carry in my neck, and last weekend I even drove myself off into the countryside, for no reason other than I felt that I could (that's the farthest I've been in a long time!). I feel more confident in myself, and when I encounter a situation that might bring on my anxiety, "Oh my god, I can't do it" isn't my first thought, it's further down the line somewhere. For example, my bossis hosting a Christmas dinner for his students next month, and when I heard, my first thoughts were "I want to go" and "What shall I wear?". "Oh my god, I can't do it" didn't even surface until a few days later when I was feeling a bit low anyway. I see that as definite progress, but to my BF they are fairy steps, and they're not getting me any closer to Sussex.

Last winter, he was prescribed Prozac for a while, for a bout of depression after a row with his dad on Christmas Day. He now wants me to go to the Dr and be prescribed something to help me. I've been suffering with PA's and anxiety for 8 years now, and I've made huge progress, completely drug-free (I couldn't even go to school at one point, and now I've been through school, sixth form and university, with flying colours). I want to go to see him, and I don't want us to split up because I can't, so should I try medication?

I guess I'm as guilty as anyone of being a bit blinded by the stigma of being medicated - I feel like they'll turn me into a different person, and I want to be me, even if me is a bit of a wreck. I also know that they aren't a cure, but while I'm on them, will I be able to function normally enough to do what I'm currently afraid of without being too afraid to do it? If medication would allow me to do that, then after I came off them I'd hope that I'd be able to continue doing those things...

I've read and re-read all of the great info on the site, and I've been putting things into practice, like vitamins, healthy eating, exercise and natural remedies, but I'm in such a conundrum after the events this weekend.

I don't want to lose my BF, but I've always been against taking medication. On the other hand, I don't want to lose my BF, and I feel like I need a 'shove in the right direction' to kick-start my journey to getting down there for a visit. I just don't know what to do :(

Sorry to be so long-winded!

Leah xx

[seh1980]

hi Leah,

Sorry to hear that you have had such a disappointing weekend!!

I can understand that you boyfriend finds it very stressful that you suffer from panic attacks - my bfriend had the same problem. But that doesn't mean that he has the right to tell you to start taking meds. As you say, you have made loads of progress during the last 8 years without meds. Whether you take them or not is completely up to you - I'm sure he will understand if you don't...

Sarah

[Karen]

Hi Leah

Sorry to hear you're having a bad weekend. It seems like you are doing really well and have made so much progress without medication. It really is your decision whether you go on to medication or not.

Perhaps your boyfriend was just having a bad day, especially after having to turn back because of bad weather. I don't think he should tell you what to do though.



Karen



It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

[mico]

Hi Leah

I agree with the others, I don't think your boyfriend should be telling you what to do. It's very hard to understand how difficult it can be for people like us if you don't suffer from anxiety yourself. Which in turn makes it equally as hard to understand how much effort you are actually putting in to improve your situation. You seem to understand the fact that medication will not cure you (although it may help, but i'm not a doctor so I can't say), but maybe your boyfriend doesn't understand this. It may well be the case that your boyfriend is frustrated just as you are, and just needs to let off a little steam now and again, but it may be worthwhile for you to explain to him, as honestly as possible, how your anxiety affects you and the difficulties it creates for you. I'm sure he already knows the basic outline of this, but it will take a lot for him to just begin to understand it, and hopefully this way he'll be able to see that medication will not necesarilly be the answer. You could also try to assure him that you will try your hardest to make that break and go and visit him, but explain that it may take time, and you may well need his help and support to do it. The main thing is to be as honest as possible.

On another note, this pressure that he's putting on you can also be a good thing (I wouldn't have done half the things I have if I didn't have any pressure on me to do them, and many of these things have been a great help in my progress). Hopefully someday you will be able to go and visit him, and once you've done it a couple of times, I'm sure it'll get easier.

Good luck

mico

[bubbles]

Leah,
Happy birthday for last Tuesday. Sorry you have had such a disappointing weekend.
Re your concerns about medication--I felt the same way & put off going along this route. After a particularly bad week (panic, anxiety etc), a few weeks ago, I went to the doctor for advice.
She said I'd been through too much for too long & especially over the last year---& prescribed 50mg daily Sertraline. I wasn't too happy about this to begin with--but have been on it for a few weeks now & feel it is helping me. I feel more like the 'me' I was before all the anxiety stuff etc started. Am aware that some of this may be 'artificial' but it sure makes getting through each day, & each anxiety making event, a bit smoother!
Now--your boyfriend--this sounds like the 'old chestnut' of guilt on his part leading to him 'mentally thrashing' about & blaming the nearest or most obvious person i.e. you!
I assume he was on Prozac short-term after the row with his dad---so was his depression a short-term thing with a definite known reason? If so, then that is quite different to what you have gone through for so long. He may not really begin to understand what you go through or how you have battled for 8 years.
If his motives for the pressure on you to visit stem from a hope that it will motivate you---then it's not all bad--but if it's "having a go"---well do you need this? It's just more anxiety.
Maybe you need to talk to him some more about this, see if you can find out from him his reasons for blaming you.
Whatever you decide about meds I really wish you well. Remember how well you have done for so long---school, uni etc. I went to uni many years ago, did not suffer anxiety etc in those halycon days---& it's hard enough without the anxiety & panic attacks.

Thinking of you,

Linda. xx

[nomorepanic]

Hi Leah

Sounds to me that you are doing great without the medication and you have the right positive attitude to get over this.

Medication is all about choice. I tried it for about 18 months and it didn't really help me and I wanted to get off it. For me personally I felt that I wasn't cured if I was on it so I came off it about 6 years ago. Loads on here are doing so well on it now.

As for the travelling to see boyfriend - what are the issues here and perhaps we can tackle them and get you there somehow? Is it the distance or the method of getting there?

Let us know ok?

You are doing so well so don't let this knock you back.

Perhaps he thinks that by pushing you it will help and who knows it may do.

Good luck


Nicola

[seh1980]

Hi Leah,

I hope you are feeling a little better!!

[sal]

Hi Leah

It sounds to me that you are doing great without medication, and you should carry on how you are. Many people dont suit medication and try to get through it without it so well done you.

Can understand your issues with your boyfriend, but i am sure it will sort out. It is hard for partners to understand how we feel but i am sure he does understand and will help you all he can.





Love Sal xxxxx

[Elle-Kay]

Thank-you all for your posts. As usual, it's comforting to "hear" the voices of people who completely understand where I'm coming from

Unfortunately, after I posted, events took a turn for the worst :( As of this morning, I have only managed to speak to my boyfriend for a grand total of about an hour since Saturday when this all blew up. When I try, he speaks to me for about 10 minutes, and then clams up until he eventually gets tired of me talking at him, and goes altogether. He even turned his phone off last night so that I couldn't even get through to him :(

He says that he won't come here to visit anymore, and that I have to go down there, or we may as well accept that we have no future, and split up. I know this is an ultimatum, and I shouldn't have to put up with it, but I also do accept that this situation is partially down to me (allbeit not purposefully), and so I think the best way forward would be a compromise, where he would stop using my problem as a stick to beat me with, and accept that I will go to visit, but that it may take time, and where I would put the effort it to do just that. The problem is, that he is incredibly stubborn. Every time I have managed to speak to him, he only says "I don't want to talk", or starts saying things that hurt in the hope that I'll go away (I'm also very stubborn, and I haven't gone away yet!). He really shot himself in the foot last night too, when he said that it was wrong that he should be the one to always be doing all the travelling (I agree), but then in the next breath he was telling me that I would have to start doing all the travelling, because he wasn't coming here anymore.... I think he was bluffing, but this wound me up again because it is so hypocritical.

Anyway, as far as I'm concerned now, I want to strike a compromise. I have decided that I am prepared to go to see my doctor again, go to counselling or other therapy, and even take a run of meds (at least then I can honestly say to him that I've tried everything). What he has to do is put aside the fact that he's angry and disappointed (and from his comments like "I can't see a future for us", maybe a little bit depressed too - he always gets down coming up to Christmas), and start working with me instead of against me. It's just getting him to agree to that that's proving very difficult [V]

Re. the factors that are stopping me going to visit: as usual, there isn't just one. It is a very long way (4.5 hours in the car), and I've never driven that far before. On top of that, it would mean going on the M25 around London, which scares me to death because (of course) you can't just stop or turn around on a motorway if you start having an attack of the dreaded panic gremlins. This especially worries me because there seems to be some sort of pile-up or delay on the M25 every day, and I get antzy when I get stuck in traffic tootling round my own town [Oops!] Another thing is, if I even made it there, as soon as I stop driving, I become prone to a PA because suddenly I have nothing to concentrate on. This is exacerbated by the fact that I'm not in my 'safe zone', and no matter whether my BF would be there or not, my mind grabs onto the fact that I'm 4.5 hours from home, and turns it over and over until I'm in the middle of a full-blown PA. Then of course there is the added pressure he's now put on me after the weekend :(

After writing all that, I've just realised that what I'm afraid of about going for a visit, isn't as much going for the visit as it is being afraid of being afraid... of course, knowing this doesn't exactly help me get in my car and drive halfway down the country [:I]

Sorry to go so long (again!)

Leah xx

~* Do what you want. Nobody else will do it for you *~

[stardust]

Hi Leah,

First of all, how do you make such a long distance relationship work???? Sussex/Lincolnshire, thats far!

Because he is such a long way, he probobably couldent be bothered to travel the distance, but it doesnt mean that its anything to do with you, its not youre fault but i understand that ud be very annoyed.

I think you need to discuss it with him (over the phone mind!) and get him to compromise.

Anyway, please be happy, if you were in my shoes youd be feeling the pain, at least you are good enough for people, so i dont think youve got anything to worry about really.

From OCD Girl