Early Morning Waking

[Quiet-Lift]

Hi everyone...it's late. I'm alone and feeling sorry for myself...

Still getting the early-morning waking syndrome. Too much time on my hands. I need to get some kind of work but haven't worked for a long time. Helped to stuff envelopes at my CMHT yesterday.Only an hour's worth. All very surreal. I'm involved in their newsletter group. Creepy going there though. One of my biggest fears? Going into hospital after managing to avoid the 'loony bin' for 25 years...

It can be a jungle out there and all the ropes are taken! I used to think I could be King of the Swingers. Now I'm more than happy for a private perch!

OK....this is serious. If you are reading this...many thanks. If you can refrain from judgement...even more thanks.

I have days when I fear face to face contact.I keep thinking the other person can read my mind. It's ridiculous I know. Does anybody else have this at any time?

Guilt. Wish I could kill it stone dead. It creeps in by the back door and I'm afraid to do anything which might stir it up. Must keep it in proportion...but how? Any ideas, comments or acknowledgement most welcome.

love and best wishes

Allan59 (sober and still not smoking)

"All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well"
Marcus Aurelius

[groovygranny]

Hello Allan!

Well done for still not smoking - that's an achievement you should be proud of yourself for. I'm a non-smoker but can fully appreciate it's not that easy to just give up.

re face-to-face contact:
you know I have even felt myself blushing when I'm talking to someone thinking "if only they knew what was on my mind? Crikey, what if they do?!" Not that I would be thinking anything untoward (!), but just thinking they could read my mind would be enough to get the colours up !!!

re guilt:
I haven't managed to kill this one stone dead yet. But I find that if you leave the front door open when guilt creeps in through the back door, it'll just keep running right on through until you slam the door shut !!

Don't know if this has been much help, just thought I'd give a bit of moral support !!

[Quiet-Lift]

Thanks GG!

As ever, you are so sharp and well-written...

I'm surprised that you blush with the face-to-face contact. You come across as such a dynamic extrovert, whereas I tend to be the opposite...an introvert with a more laid-back approach.

Guilt...not sure what you meant there. I'm not feeling too swift at the moment.
Did you mean I should put the lid on it before it gets out of proportion?

Thanks for the kind words about smoking. I am pleased with what I've done so far. Ought to try and remember that somehow.

Hope you are having a good day

Take care

[Under~The~Stars]

Allan, first of all a (((((BIG HUG)))))

I can totally relate to having too much time on our hands, it's so frustrating. I then feel like time is just passing by, and before you know it it's christmas again! Where does the time actually go? How do you mean you were stuffing envelopes at your CMHT? Do you work there or have I picked you up wrong?

If you want to find more work, what are your interests? Even if you started doing voluntary work just now?

I do know what you mean about fearing face to face contact, I'm the exact same. I've lost count of the amount of times I've shut myself in my room over the last few weeks, and haven't wanted to see anyone. Mines are probably for different reasons, but just know that I do understand what you mean. I shut myself away as I can't be bothered with getting asked questions of how I'm feeling, as when I am with other people, I am told I don't smile enough or I look depressed today, that's a popular one! So I always think people can read my mind too, I do hope they can't though!

What is it that you are feeling guilty about? If you don't mind me asking. I do feel guilty about so much stuff, I always think everything is my fault, but then when I think more rationally not EVERYTHING can be my fault!

Well done for not smoking! Thats really good, I used to smoke, so I know it's hard giving up for good! Keep in there!

Hope you have a good day

Sorry if that hasn't been much help to you. Just know that you're not on your own with any of this, take care,

Lou xxx

[Quiet-Lift]

Hi Louise...a (((((BIG HUG)))))to you also...

I don't work at the CMHT. I'm a Service User and member of their Newsletter Group. We've only just finished the latest issue and several of the Users and Staff were packing them into envelopes.

I have given Voluntary Work some thought...not sure what I want to do really...the self-esteem is a bit low today.

I don't think people can read your mind. Maybe they try to guess?
Is it a crime to be depressed? Sometimes it can't be helped...
Well done for even attempting a smile anyway.

I can understand why you shut yourself away at times. Not too much though
I hope.

I don't mind you asking about the reasons for why I'm feeling guilty, it's just that i feel so tired today and I'm probably making mountains out of molehills to a certain degree, so I'll pass on that one if you don't mind.

I want to remain rational, like you, and remember that everything couldn't possibly be my fault...and it isn't yours either.
Thanks for the kind words and well done for stopping smoking yourself.

Take Care

[Under~The~Stars]

Thanks for the hug!

I totally understand the self esteem issue, mines doesn't exist anymore! Well maybe work is not an option for you at this moment in time, but that doesn't mean it never will be, don't give up hope Do you have any hobbies or interests? Fill your time with things you enjoy, no matter how small it is. Another thing that could help is if you set yourself goals, they don't have to be big, just even getting up at a certain time each morning and having breakfast then going for a walk. Try and get a little routine, to try and add structure to your day. How does that sound?

It's definitely not a crime to be depressed, if it was I would spend my whole life in jail! LOL! I don't think people can read your mind, I think they can tell how you are feeling at times though i.e. by me not smiling people assume I'm not feeling too good, as when I am my usual self, which is not very often these days, I smile a lot. But no-one knows what you are thinking, only you know.

Shutting myself away is the easiest option for me at the moment. I do feel kind of bad about it just now though as I try my hardest not to talk to people and that might make them feel bad. See, what did I tell you about the guilt!

Don't worry about not telling me what you are feeling guilty about, I understand. I'm here if you want to talk though

Take care of yourself,

Lou xxx

[groovygranny]

Ha, Allan !

This 'Dynamic Extrovert' used to be quite a 'Wet Flannel' at one time - wouldn't say boo to a goose in fact !! Zero self esteem.....

Now I seem to make everyone jump lol !! ! Hmm, perhaps I need to regulate myself sometimes?!

re guilt:
sorry, I can be quite obtuse in my explanations most of the time - I may know what I'm talking about but nobody else does lol !! Thank goodness everyone here is soooo patient with me !!

What I meant was that when I feel guilt has made an entry through the back door so to speak, I stand back and allow it to sweep over me and past me so that it carries on moving right out of me. I have to do this on a daily basis with some issues I have pertaining to my mum. If I didn't then I know I'd be right back where I was nearly two years ago - and I 'aint goin' down that road again, no way !!

Oh dear, is it clear as mud still ??

Hope I'm not making things worse!

[Quiet-Lift]

Hi GG

Thanks for your response...

Regarding guilt: No problem, think I've got it now...sounds sensible to me. In one door - out the other ,yes?

I'm glad the evening is almost here. I start to feel a little better about now...

Your'e not making things worse...don't concern yourself about that...

Hope your day went well

[Quiet-Lift]

Hi Lousie...another (((((BIG HUG)))))for you.

Your suggestions sound sensible and worthwhile. I'll give them a try if I can. It's difficult dragging myself out of bed though...
Do you experience a kind of shock effect upon waking? I'm getting this at the moment. I have to go to the loo a few times, dragging myself back into bed after each visit. Hope this will change...

I'm sure you have your reasons for shutting yourself away. Feeling bad about it won't help. We all need to protect ourselves in ways that suit us best at times.

You're right about people being able to gauge feelings through your facial expression. Hopefully, if the other person is sensitive enough, they'll try to make allowances for you...

Best wishes and take care

Allan
xx