Five Core Fears

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I had an interesting session with my therapist the other day and he said that we all suffer from five core fears:

isolation/abandonement
death, injury, pain
loss of control
confinement
rejection, shame, ridicule

It was a bit like a lightbulb moment for me! lol Ultimately, we all panic because we worry about death. My therapist explained that our 'old brain' the animal brain, the part that hasn't evolved since the cave men would take social rejection very badly because, in prehistoric times, if you were cast out from the group you simply wouldn't survive. He explained how one patient worried about losing his job which, to him, would mean that he'd lose his wife, his kids and his home, which would mean that he'd have to sleep on the streets, which would mean that he'd die. He also told me how another patient was worried that an accident that he'd had on a building site would leave him paralysed, which he instantly equated with death. Personally, when I split up with my girlfriend in London and returned home to Cheshire, I had it in my head that my life was over, which again means death.

isolation/abandonment: my mum and dad divorced when I was 13. My dad went to live in Liverpool for a while. I certainly felt very isolated when I came home to Northwich after living in London, as a lot of my freinds were living down south and all my Northwich friends had moved away.

death/injury/pain: my panic attacks became worse as I had more frequent intrusive thought about crashing my car, jumping off a bridge or pulling my eye out. It turns out that intrusive thoughts aren't as uncommon as I thought and that I'm not so mentally disturbed afterall! lol One 'normal' friend described how he had a panic attack atop a large building as the image of him jumping off came to him and another 'normal' friend had a panic attack smoking weed because he felt like he was going to have a heart attack.

loss of control: classic! I become very anxious driving over bridges because I become worried about losing control and driving my car off one or stopping the car and jumping off the bridge. There's a motorway bridge near Altrincham with traffic lights on it and I always pray that it's on green as I'm crossing the bridge, as I hate being sat there in traffic! I've also had worrying visions of getting the headteacher at the school where I work in a headlock! lol

confinement: sure, I don't really like buses, planes, boats etc but I think that this effects me on a psychological rather than a physical level. The idea of relationships and family seems very restrictive to me. I feel that I couldn't do as I please if I had a wife and kids. I certainly feel very confined in my home town, as I have anxiety about going very far and I do feel some anxiety about feeling confined in a place of work for too long...I do need to feel that I can move on if I need to. When I was engaged I wasn't 'allowed' to leave a factory job that I hated, because it was relatively well paid and I was expected to provide for her. That situation inevitably led to my depression becoming much deeper.

rejection/shame/ridicule: Shame was certainly another core fear which contributed to my breakdown, as I'd acted quite obnoxiously in London and borrowed a lot of money from family and friends. I felt like I'd really let them down and that they couldn't possibly love me anymore. I also felt rejected because a very rocky four year relationship had ended and because the career that I had been persuing had come to nothing and I felt that the door was closed to me for having a decent career even though I had obvious talents and a degree.

[clickaway]

Those five are very true and I think I get all of them!

isolation/abandonement
When I was five my mum had to go into hospital for 6 weeks and I had to stay with my aunt. I was too young to visit and my family did not visit me during that time. I rejected my mum upon my return. I live alone and my anxiety really nosedives at weekends as this is a time when there is only a skeletal public support service and most other people are enjoying family life or going out to events etc.

death, injury, pain
Following on from the above, just before my mum went in hospital, I saw my grandad on his deathbed through a hospital ward door. Then my mum had a brain haemorage so the feeling of death must have been ingrained in my inner mind all my life. I feel that my pain is too hard to bear and tend to run for help, such as using a helpline.

loss of control
I feel I have drifted through life, but this is due to all the other factors. Of course having anxiety causes a loss in control in my daily life as you can't function properly. The anxiety controls you rather than vice versa.

confinement
Like so many others, my comfort zone rules my life so much despite my strong desire to go beyond it. I actually love travelling yet at the moment going into my local town is hard!

rejection, shame, ridicule
Rather like lack of self-esteem and low confidence levels. I could never understand why I was ridiculed even as a young adult, but it was actually how I looked. I found fulfillment and started to hold my head up high, and the ridicule went overnight!

[Dusty]

OMG

That makes so much sense. All my worries, which I associate with sleeping issues, can be classed under on of these core fears:

death, injury, pain: "If I don't sleep will I be awake enough not to do myself an injury?"

loss of control: "How will I cope tomorrow with the kids/at work if I don't sleep"

confinement: "Alan is away - I won't have anytime to myself. I'll be tried down. I must look after the kids by myself. Will I be with it enough to cope if I don't sleep"

rejection, shame, ridicule: "I have so much to do tomorrow. I must keep the house tidy. What will be think if they came into a messy house?" Ditto kids behaviour/performance at achool, etc...

isolation/abandonement: The Classic when I'm awake in the middle of a long night: "I'm all alone. There's no one to turn too. No one to talk to. Who can help me?"

But the big question is: now we've recognised these core fears, what do we do?

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Hi Dusty and Clickaway,

As I understand it, the other 4 core fears all relate back to death at the end of the day, which is what we actually panic about. I would probably extend that and say that being overly concerned/obsessed with death is a feature of depression, and that depression never lasts forever, hence anxiety never lasts forever. I know that this part is slightly dubious, as many people with anxiety don't feel depressed, but it makes sense.

Speaking from personal experience, in my sensitised state, many things are difficult because I ultimately worry about dying. Leaving Northwich is hard because I'm likely to have to use motorways or dual carriageways, where I have the worry thoughts that I'll swerve into other cars; that I'll get out of a moving car; or that I'll lose control and put my foot down to the floor. I'm also likely to encounter bridges, where I might fall off and die. I have the irrational worry that if I'm driving north I'll fall down the globe and die and hills cause me to panic because my thoughts snowball "that's a big hill" > "compared to all the earth around us it's very small" > "OMG I'm on top of something really big!" > "I might fall off or fall through it!" > "I'm going to die!" > "panic!"

I don't really know how I used to rationalise death, but I remember waking up one day a few years ago and thinking "OMG I'm going to die one day!". Since then I've had worry thoughts about "what am I made out of?", "what if I drop down dead?", "what's keeping me alive?".....It is really hard to understand how 'normals' don't feel the same worry about death, but I think, as far as they're concerned: "It'll never happen to me", "I'll worry about it when it happens (especially true of smokers)", "I'll live til I'm 75, so I've got another good 40 years in me yet". Some people really do have great strength of character and are able to be philosophical about it: "No good worrying about it, you can't control it. You've just got to get on with life".

For one, I can say that I think about death everyday, but I'm a depressive and an anxiety sufferer. When I was at my most confident, when I could drive from London to Amsterdam, when I could fly to Ibiza, I very rarely remember thinking about death.

I guess that feeling so physically tense and exhausted is one cue for the mind to think about death. Proactively working to make yourself feel better, whether it's with exercise, diet, walks in the country or whatever is a very good starting point: "an anxious mind can't exist within a relaxed body".

Working to change the way you feel about things using cbt will also give you great benefits. I've been seeing a cbt therapist for a couple of months and I've certainly noticed a difference. He recommended that I listen to a relaxation tape three times a day and I've gone from waking up feeling incredibly anxious and depressed to looking forward to facing challenges.

As for the trouble that you have sleeping Dusty, I guess you could relate that to the old, animal brain too. If you were a caveperson (to be politically correct lol) and you felt under threat, then you wouldn't want to sleep in case you were attacked.