Relationship help

[sethslc]

So I don't have GAD, but my partner did. We were together almost 2 years and she told me from the beginning that she had really bad anxiety. During the relationship she got diagnosed finally with GAD. She tried some meds but didn't stick to them. She's been seeing a great therapist for a couple months now.

In the beginning there were only a few breakdowns because of school related stress and panic. She never had a breakdown due to me or us (that I ever saw). From all signs she was healthy and normal on the outside. I suspect that she kept everything inside. She would ask me a lot if I was happy. If I loved her. I told her I was happy as I could possibly be, and meant it. I reassured her I'd only ever leave her if she cheated. She agreed.

We never fought. We had no problems in the relationship. We were best friends and always together and happy. A couple weeks back though I brought up the subject of if she could see this being a "long term" forever type relationship. I think to calm my own insecurities about breaking up since I was in love with her. At first she hesitated but then said yes. She told me she has comittment issues and anxiety about it.

Because I never saw many signs of her anxiety when we were together I ended up forgetting its a daily battle for her. I forgot that it could physically make her tired. I think she felt like she always had to have energy to make me happy. She works a lot and school a lot. Then we're together every other minute of the day. Usually at nights, so she would be tired but felt she needed to be "on".

Well last Friday we were together all night. Bar, arcade, and lots of talking and laughing. The topic of marriage was brought up again, by me, and this time she seemed fine with it on the surface. Even describing possible things to do with it. It never dawned on me that this might panic her. Especially because she graduates in a year from college and is unsure what she wants to do with her life.

So Sunday she asked if she could come talk. She sat down, and I knew. I said "you want to breakup". She started sobbing and nodded. She said she needed a break, and time to work on herself and her anxiety. She said her heart and head were telling her 2 different things. That her head said she loved me, but her heart didn't. That she didn't know what she was going to do with her life.

I thought this might have to do with freaking her out over the comittment talk. I told her this and said it was just talk and nothing was ever impending. She nodded. I said you don't have to run away to deal with this. She said its what she does best. I sighed, smiled, wiped her tears and told her it would be alright.

We work together (in the same building not departments). The next day I sent her a message saying I was sorry for being a stress trigger for her. That I had forgotten she lives with this daily. I told her that I said I would never leave her, and that I was still there. That I loved here and was there if / when she wanted to talk.

She thanked me. Said she loved me deeply. Would always love me. But that she needed space to figure out why she gets anxious over every little thing. That I would never know how grateful she was for everything I had done and taught her. That she was sorry for inflicting her anxiety on me. I responded that I never felt like she did that...rather that she never let me help. She said thats just one more insecurity of hers then.

That was the last I've spoken with her. I have seen her around work and smiled at her. She smiles back but it just looks so sad and she doesn't hold much eye contact.

I guess my question is this...what should I do? I still love her. I "think"?? she still loves me. But I don't know if she really did just freak out or if she just didn't want to be together cause she's not interested anymore. I find it difficult to grasp that there were zero problems at all and we were extremely happy right up through the last conversation Friday night and afterwards.... So I came here hoping for perspective from others who actually share what she has.

Thank you if you took the time to read and respond to this.

Seth

[Fishmanpa]

I guess my question is this...what should I do?

Sorry to hear about this. There was a similar thread just recently. From my own personal experience in dealing with an ex with mental illness, give her the space. She needs to address her demons and there's not much you can do to help other than offer to be there if she needs you. If she's asked to be left alone, as difficult as it is, heed what she's asking.

Positive thoughts

[sethslc]

Sorry to hear about this. There was a similar thread just recently. From my own personal experience in dealing with an ex with mental illness, give her the space. She needs to address her demons and there's not much you can do to help other than offer to be there if she needs you. If she's asked to be left alone, as difficult as it is, heed what she's asking.

Positive thoughts

Thank you. That is what I have defaulted to. It does indeed suck not knowing and quite the 180 to go in a 24 hour period. I wish she would have let me help more, and shared her burden instead of keeping it inside (I suspect since she always puts everyone else above herself).

[Fishmanpa]

One of the things you can do to help yourself is to learn about anxiety disorder. I'm not a sufferer but I came here for different reasons and stuck around to help. I have a daughter with depression and anxiety and I've learned a lot from the site. It's a literal written account of what goes on in the mind of someone afflicted with this illness.

Learning will serve to educate yourself, be in a better position to help and understand your girlfriend's illness and help you recognize certain anxiety behaviors in others.

Best wishes and as always...

Positive thoughts

[sethslc]

One of the things you can do to help yourself is to learn about anxiety disorder. I'm not a sufferer but I came here for different reasons and stuck around to help. I have a daughter with depression and anxiety and I've learned a lot from the site. It's a literal written account of what goes on in the mind of someone afflicted with this illness.

Learning will serve to educate yourself, be in a better position to help and understand your girlfriend's illness and help you recognize certain anxiety behaviors in others.

Best wishes and as always...

Positive thoughts

Wise wise words. I read a lot on the subject in the first few weeks of dating her almost 2 years ago. But like I said, over the course of the relationship she must have kept so much to herself. She wants everyone else to be happy first. That isn't an excuse but I think that without her letting me in or seeing it I would forget just what she would go through all the time.

Hindsight is 20/20. But rest assured I'll not forget again and hopefully I can help others.

[sethslc]

Yeah I gave her space all week. Talked to a few friends, tried to talk to people who suffer from Anxiety, because it honestly changes the reasons behind actions. I read a lot on the subject. Reflected on things.
And I asked myself the question "If you truly love her, then you have to be able to love her without requiring anything in return." And that has been my goal because I think that I do. So I want to try and just love her irregardless of what happens because she deserves it.
After talking to people who have this disease they all suggested I reach out gently to let her know I didn't abandon her. So today I messaged her and this is how it went:

Me: Hey - thinking of you. How are you?
Her: Hi...and if I'm being honest...not good...hurting...still cry everyday at least once...how are you?
Me: hang on a sec I'm driving
Me: Honestly... I'm exactly the same as you ..
Her: Yeah this definitely hasn't been easy
Me: Why are you hurting? Is there anything I can do?
Her: Cause I love you and miss you all the time
Me: I love you too Aubrey and I miss you too
Her: I know it's definitely been hard
Me: That's an understatement 😛
Her: Ha yeah that's true
Me: lol you're such a pain in my bum haha
Her: I know haha
Her: I'm sorry
Me: Don't be
Her: I do cause I hate making you feel like this

Anxiety is hard. I'm learning and seeing that now. Actually, truly, seeing it and not just playing lip service to it. I have much greater empathy now for everyone here after reading many of your threads, about what you go through daily, and now being a part of that myself to some degree.