pregnant, anxiety worse than ever, don't know what to do

[swgrl09]

Hi everybody, looking for a little support. I had surprisingly been doing well my first trimester of pregnancy even with being off my meds. That seems to have changed completely. I don't know if it is my anxiety, the new job, or pregnancy or all three but I feel worse than I can remember. It's been slowly building over the past few weeks and I honestly have felt like I am losing my mind the past few days.

I started a new job (accepted it and gave my notice before I knew I was pregnant) in August. I was very unhappy at my last job after having been there three years and it seemed like a really good opportunity for a change. Well, little did I know it would be a lot different than I was told during the interview process. For one, I was told I would be in a role doing more chart-auditing and less stressful clinical work. That was a big reason I took the job, as I emotionally needed a break from the clinical. Two days before I started, they called and notified me I was being moved to a clinical role because somebody resigned. I was also told we would only have 18 cases but we have almost 30. Nobody told me that before I started. There's no organization, my supervisor is late all the time or not there. I'm left alone in situations where I am uncomfortable or don't feel safe/equipped to handle. It's been so stressful, chaotic, overwhelming, and I feel like I can't get anything done that is expected of me.

Lately I haven't been sleeping. I wake up in the middle of the night or in the morning panicking. I get to work and I sit in my car scared to go in, but somehow get in the door. I have been having dizzy spells, fainting when I panic which makes me nervous being pregnant. I have no appetite and am having trouble getting food down.

Everybody tells me to leave the job because my health is more important, but if I leave, we will be in a financial hole, especially with a baby on the way. It will be hard to find something else while pregnant because employers won't want to hire somebody who will go on a leave in 4 months. My disability plan does not cover mental health either. If I quit, I will not be able to apply for unemployment.

I've been to my doctor and my therapist, started lexapro again last week with the doctor's assurance that I can take it while pregnant and that my health is important to the baby's health. So far I have just been feeling worse though. Yesterday I couldn't get off the couch. I called out of work for two days and go back tomorrow. I was a mess on the phone with my supervisor and she probably thinks I am crazy. I told her how overwhelmed I felt, about my concerns for my health and the pregnancy with this level of stress. She said to think about it this week. I asked if I could go back to the role I was hired for originally or if a different site would be less stressful but she said it has been filled and other sites are the same.

I guess I don't know what to do. I know nobody has answers for me, my therapist doesn't, my husband doesn't, my boss doesn't. I have been panicking almost constantly the past two days and can't calm down. I am so nervous to go back tomorrow.

[swgrl09]

I have been looking and applying for jobs today, but scared I won't be able to get hired being pregnant. I am scared about any job I take. I am thinking about everything, feel like I can't do anything, shaking, having trouble even getting off the couch. How did it get so bad so fast? I feel like I need time to get my head straight but work won't understand that.

[pulisa]

I'm so sorry you are in this situation and are obviously unwell. You must feel totally overwhelmed and frightened. My advice would be always to put your own physical and mental health and that of your precious baby before work or any financial consideration. You are under far too much pressure and you have to look after your own wellbeing especially in view of your pregnancy. Surely your work will be understanding regarding the demands put on you which have made you ill? We all have a limit and you must have reached yours. Is your GP prepared to back you on this? It's not just a question of putting you back on Lexapro and everything will be fine-there's a lot more going on which is overwhelming you and is just too much for you so your health is suffering.

Your priority must be yourself and your baby but you should not be penalised financially for becoming ill. You deserve to be given fair treatment by your work and they have taken advantage of you.

[swgrl09]

Thank you for your response, Pulisa. I do feel overwhelmed and scared. I last spoke with my ob/gyn last week when they started the lexapro, but since then things have gotten worse. I agree, part of what I am thinking is that the lexapro is not going to fix the issues with the job.

The sad thing is because I am new, I don't have any paid sick leave at this job. If I take time off, it is unpaid and they don't have to take me back either. There is very little support for mental health here (And I work in the field!)

I mean I don't know if I even want to be there, but we need to pay the bills and prep for my maternity recovery (also unpaid here in the states). I have a short-term disability plan I pay for but that will only cover 6 weeks after I give birth... nothing now and nothing mental-health related. If I had broken my leg, it would kick in, but not for this.

Tomorrow I go back and I am really afraid. I'm not sure what it will be like or what they will say after I called out for two days sounding like a mess.

[pulisa]

It's a very unsettling situation to be in. Would you be able to negotiate a short period of unpaid sick leave just to give you some breathing space? Surely work would be accommodating in view of your pregnancy?

[swgrl09]

I am going to ask for something along those lines if I can. We are supposed to meet when I go back to talk about it. I'm not sure how it will go. I asked for a few options on the phone that I was told were not possible (changing my role, different site). I plan to ask about reduced hours as an option too, but I doubt that is feasible at my current site as we are short-staffed already.

I just feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. My anxiety has been bad before, but never like this. Waking up in a full panic, mind racing, scared to even get out of bed today and I stayed home from work. It's a beautiful day and I couldn't take the dog out for more than a brief 5 minute walk. My husband is doing everything for me and I feel so badly about it.
He will be away for work for most of November but I am not even thinking about that yet.

I don't know how long work will put up with it with me being new, although I don't think I can be fired for a mental health condition.

---------- Post added at 18:55 ---------- Previous post was at 16:48 ----------

Just had another panic attack thinking about going in tomorrow and the coming weeks. I cannot handle this right now. This is not me.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm really sorry to hear this, swgrl. You really don't need this pressure during your pregancy

What does your husband think of this? I can imagine he is very concerned. One reason I ask, aside from him being an excellent source of support with taking on the employer, is that he won't be struggling with the negative thinking that these disorders heap on top of everything. He may see an answer slightly more clearly e.g. prioritise health and not finances or reduce hours your side/increase his, etc.

My parents did this for me at the time when I was really ill and taking on my employer who was refusing to make changes despite their own occupational health team agreeing with me. There came a point where it was take them on with a solicitor or prioritise health. My parents not being prone to all the negative thinking patterns I was going through could look at things more objectively. And obviously being older, more experienced, they could look back and know whether life is worth living a certain way if you are unhappy. Their opinions helped me to reach the decision to walk away and not fight with a culture of not wishing to help employees at my firm because what's the point if it just made me worse. I was lucky in that I didn't have your financial pressures but it was very useful to have an outside opinion rather than what was going around in my head all day.

Something I would question is an employer agreeing to unpaid leave and legally not taking an employee back. That sounds very strange, it wouldn't be legal over here. Is that perhaps where it is unpaid but not agreed? Perhaps investigate that clause more carefully and check with HR because you have circumstances here that could make it very messy for an employer (pregnant, shift in work terms after joining despite some agreedment to shifting terms prior to joining, mental health concerns that could lead to potential discrimination case, etc). Employers have to be very careful in dismissing people for capability issues as the law usually expects them to make all possible efforts first and for them to be able to prove that. And pregant women are usually as protected as you can get in employment form my experience...the negative media from getting it wrong is not worth the chance.

I agree that you should prioritise your health but the harsh reality of money can be the sticking point. I just hope you & your husband can establish whether there are things you can do here because your health needs the boost. Whether that's some time off unpaid to have a break or going part time or full time reduced hours then I hope there is something.

Investigate their responsibilities to people in health capability cases. If they have occupational health teams then they should have some ways to help you out here.

Workload doesn't dictate over staff illness. If people are ill, they are entitled to take time off and employers/managers have to find ways around that. It's simply life being a manager, people leave, accidents outside work cause staff shortage gaps. If lists need to be lengthened or other measures brought in, tat's just part of managing.

Which brings me to another issue. Commitment. I have a strong suspicion you are a very committed person. This can be a double-edged sword because you may be kciking yourself ten times harder than any manager ever would. They may be more relaxed about something you see more strongly. This is another reason why I thought about your husband and from you've talked about in the past I've never had the impression you guys aren't solid.

I wonder if part of you is thinking about personal failure here. I could be wrong but you've got a very client-centred career (or I got that impression from your last role and you have been a social worker too) and people in these roles tend to be very committed to them. Committed to helping others, even to the point of personal sacrifices. And at this time, the focus needs to be on you & baby, other things can wait until you are through this additional pressure.

[pulisa]

Wise words and sound advice from Terry. I really hope that you will make some headway with work re accommodating your needs. You are hardly being "difficult" and your mind is telling you that you are overwhelmed and need to slow down. You are growing another human being-what is more important at this stage?

The terms of your job description were changed and you have been faced with a very pressurised situation which you would not have chosen, particularly as you are pregnant. Your panic attack/escalating anxiety is just a manifestation of your mental distress and exhaustion. Please put yourself and the baby first and I'm sure your husband would back you up all the way. Money is important but it is not the be all and end all xx

[swgrl09]

Which brings me to another issue. Commitment. I have a strong suspicion you are a very committed person. This can be a double-edged sword because you may be kciking yourself ten times harder than any manager ever would. They may be more relaxed about something you see more strongly. This is another reason why I thought about your husband and from you've talked about in the past I've never had the impression you guys aren't solid.

I wonder if part of you is thinking about personal failure here. I could be wrong but you've got a very client-centred career (or I got that impression from your last role and you have been a social worker too) and people in these roles tend to be very committed to them. Committed to helping others, even to the point of personal sacrifices. And at this time, the focus needs to be on you & baby, other things can wait until you are through this additional pressure.

Thank you both for your thoughtful responses. Terry, we do have a lot of the legal protections here so I am hoping that I would be able to negotiate some unpaid time off if I can.

You hit the nail on the head with how I am feeling - like a failure, kicking myself, etc. I have to work on that. Part of my anxiety also gets obsessive about things like finances, etc, which is really tough for me.

My husband and I have talked a lot about it. He wants me to be healthy more than anything else. Of course he is worried about finances if I can't work at all, but does want me to talk to them and see what I can arrange.

Right now I am getting ready to go in for the day and I am shaking, feel like throwing up. I am so worried I will snap. My husband is driving me and I'm embarrassed but I need the help. He said he will wait down the road if I can't get through the whole day. I don't know what I would do if he wasn't here right now. I'll update later after work.

[pulisa]

You need his support and you are a team in this. You are NOT a failure. You have always been over conscientious and have always given your best. You are now doing what is best for you and your future family. It is NOT admitting defeat but being sensible and protecting your own mental and physical health which is the very best thing you can do. I really hope today is manageable but you know your husband is there for you if it isn't xx