pregnant, anxiety worse than ever, don't know what to do

[swgrl09]

Finally slept a decent 8 hours last night and it felt really good. I woke up with my thoughts racing already. That’s the hardest - no respite from the thoughts. Last night I tried some drawing to keep my mind occupied while watching tv. Work wants to know by tomorrrow if I will be in Monday. They also want me to call HR to discuss with them. I’m nervous about that.

[pulisa]

Do you think if you told them that you were not able to come in next week that you would feel relieved and better or worried about letting them down (not that you would be) and the money side of it?

[swgrl09]

Honestly not sure. I think part of me would be relieved, and part would of course be worried ... it would be putting lots of work on my coworkers. As of now I am going to try to go in on Monday and will talk to HR about any accommodations. I am going to ask about reduced hours or a different role.

Today I managed to go to my nephews birthday. It was alright but tiring. People touching my stomach makes me uncomfortable but they just do it without asking. My husband tried to intervene but some people just do it anyway. But there was a moment where my sister and cousin were making fun of a coworker who took time off for having panic attacks. I didn't say anything, but my husband could tell I was upset/embarrassed. They don't know that I was off this past week. Oddly they both struggle with anxiety too.

[pulisa]

They obviously don't suffer from anxiety to any debilitating degree or only when it suits them..How insensitive.

You did very well to even go to the birthday party. I can never understand why people just dive in and touch people's bumps without even bothering to ask.

A good idea to take it a day at a time. You may make some decent progress tomorrow re discussing a sensible and do-able work plan for you to consider in the weeks leading up to your maternity leave? If you find things difficult to negotiate and they are not flexible or accommodating re your work schedule then at least you will know and can make your decision based on fact.

[swgrl09]

Yes that’s what I’m hoping for ... I’m nervous as I don’t know what accommodations would be realistic. This job is in a school so the schedule follows the school day and doesn’t have flexibility. I don’t know if they could reduce my caseload without overwhelming the other staff even more. We just have a classroom to work out of so no private space to work quietly.

Woke up anxious about tomorrow and this week already. I have to really try to focus on one day at a time but it’s so hard. I feel sick.

---------- Post added at 09:14 ---------- Previous post was at 08:54 ----------

I am having trouble today. We have a lot to do and I am feeling overwhelmed. I feel like - how can I handle work if I can't even handle home today? But I don't have a choice. We need the money. I wish money was not a huge factor in this. I love my country but this is one thing that I wish was different. No support when you can't work unless you get on permanent disability - which I am not permanently disabled and even so it can take 1-2 years to get on that. And there is so much judgment for mental health.

I did some research on the laws and protections and found some websites talking about how employers see mental health accommodations as just lazy workers who can't keep up. I know that's just the internet and not all true but it really bothers me. I'm struggling to keep my head above water here and people who don't experience it cannot know how exhausting and scary it is.

[pulisa]

The anticipation of tomorrow's challenge will make you feel very uneasy and anxious. It's your caseload that matters though and if your current work situation is making you ill then things need to be modified. If this isn't possible then you need to know. It does sound a very unsatisfactory arrangement at work with others under pressure too but you have to think of your own needs. I really hope it's not going to be as bad as you think tomorrow.

[swgrl09]

Thanks, Pulisa. I am trying to tell myself that and not judge myself. It is their responsibility to make it a workable place and job.

[pulisa]

I can't believe that you will be "penalised" because you are suffering from a significant anxiety disorder which has probably flared up because you are overworked and exhausted and you just happen to be pregnant too. I'm sure that any decent employers would look after your wellbeing and would go all out to retain you for as long as they can? If this means modifying and improving your working conditions then they should get their act together as soon as possible.

[swgrl09]

I hope I won't be. I get mixed signals from my supervisor. I know she has to plan for coverage, but sometimes it sounds like she is pressuring me to be there and other times it doesn't. I am going to try to go in tomorrow regardless for the money and have that talk with HR on the phone (they are located out of state). I have to get through this somehow.

Today was a rough day. I've been a mix of anxious and exhausted. I managed to do some chores and go to the store but I am wiped completely. Tomorrow is work and therapy. I am going to have to ask my therapist for some type of letter documenting what I am going through for proof. I hope she will do it. She knows how much I have been struggling.

[swgrl09]

Here i am up at 2 am... need to be up for work in 3 hours. This is so difficult and I don't know if I can manage it tomorrow or at all. My manager said she asked the backup to come in anyway just in case. I'm so embarrassed by all of this.