Panic Attacks and Physical Abuse

[Zek]

I have never been physically abusive in my life, apart from the usual schoolboy fight and the teenager with too much Dutch courage on a saturday night.

The reason why I'm asking if panic attacks / severe anxiety are related is that until I started having panic attacks three and a half years ago I had never been abusive in a physical way berfore.

For me personally it has affected the relationship I have with my partner. I have been physically abusive to her on more than four occasions.

The only way I can describe the feeling inside me at the time it happens, is a total loss of control, not even seeing what is happening as wrong. The heart races, I feel extremely tense in my neck / shoulders, as if the bones are going to burst out, I scream so loud my throat hurts the next day.

That is what I feel. Believe me it is nowhere as bad a feeling as I have given to my partner. This is the worst thing anyone can do to someone they love with all their heart. I can truly say that for these actions I have forced on my partner I hate the person inside me.

I have seeked help from my doctor, writing down exactly how I feel at the time these attacks of violence happen.

The only thing that has happened is that I now have a course of beta blockers, these do stop me from going to the point of no return as I can only describe it as. Iam still able to get angry but this is nowhere near to the point of out of control.

Has anyone else had experiences like this? Or know someone that has?

It is a part of my life that I now have to accept has happened. I still hate myself for what I did, to the one person in my life I love.

[jill]

Hi Zek

WELCOME TO THE SITE.

I am sooo sorry to hear what you have gone through.

I am no expert but what I have read about panic, is the flight, fight response, when we are scared we want to do one of two things,

Run away

or fight.

Maybe what you are doing is you are sooo scared you lash out and fight, you mind thinks you are in danger.

There is always a reason why we get angry, the hardest thing is finding out WHY?

Has your gp not suggested going to some sort of therapist?

Please take time to read through the site, there are lots nice people here who will help if they can.

You take care

LOVE JILLXX

[clickaway]

Hi Zek - I am glad you have sought help from your doctor. It sounds as if you need to get on an anger management course that your local Mental Health Team may run.

Are you able to let out your physical anger in other ways - such as a sport or recreational activity?

Take Care

[Zek]

I have asked my doctor for psycho-therapy, CBT but he wants to try and solve things through medication. I have explained to him that I have had medication before through my last GP (Beta Blockers) and that I have had counselloring through the NHS and work.

I really don't feel like I'm being listened to.

I must add that when I go to the doctors I have massive attacks of anxiety in the waiting room. I know I have to go but it is becoming harder and harder knowing that the next time I will be just given some other medication to 'try'.

Today I have been given anti-depressants to help me sleep. The other areas that are affecting me, such as, feelings of wanting to pass out in my car when standing still in a traffic queue, not being able to stand in a shopping queue without wanting to run, having the feeling Iam going to fall over if I'm walking (similar to vertigo). And so on (not to bore you).

On a good week I have 5 medium panic attacks a day.

The worrying thing is that I now have physical issues with the longterm effects of the attacks. I now have alot of problems with my neck and leftside due to the hunching effect the tension that builds up in those areas. I was until last year getting a paralysis down my left side, starting in the neck behind the left ear and going all the way to my calf muscle.

I was told that panic attacks do not have harmful physical effects on the body. I now know that this was untrue.

Eventhough there are these problems associated with the attacks the hardest part is accepting the violence I caused to my partner. I can honestly say that it has destroyed alot of what I once had in my relationship.

[Zek]

I would love to channel my aggression through means of sport etc but firstly I need to get this feeling of vertigo to disappear. I have a border collie that I walk twice a day and eventhough the place I take him is relatively quiet I still feel like Iam about to fall over or pass out. I think I have mild agrophobia but am unsure as it has only really started over the past few weeks.

[Zek]

Just an update.

Having lost alittle faith in my doctor I was astonished to receive a telephone call from him yesterday. He wanted to call round at 6pm to talk.

This in my experience of doctors is unheard of and they usually begrudge even coming out on emergency homecalls. So obviously I was unnerved by this turn around.

I can now say that what I have (and more than likely many others) always considered my safe haven of 'home' became a place of anxiety until he arrived.

I had known that my doctor was a very nice man but this call just reinforced that to me.

He arrived at 6:05pm and with a smile and a handshake entered my house. He and I sat at the kitchen table (I was feeling tense and so un comfortable) and he said that he had read through the paper I had given him on thursday. ( I had written down all the feelings and affects the anxiety / panic attacks are having on me and also regarding the physical abuse I had put upon my partner).

What went on from there was just amazing. I was given so much strength by this one person I felt like I could conquer anything given the chance. He spoke to me like a friend and my feelings of anxiety went rather quickly during the first few minutes. I can only admit to this being like an intense realisation of myself. I felt the anxious me slip away and the 'old me' slide back into place.

After spending what was almost an hour my doctor left, giving me a big hug and an indearing smile.
I went back into the house and just couldn't stop smiling, I felt wonderful.

Now for realistic me to comeback into the foreground.

I know I still want psycho help and this has been offered now. Lets just hope this feeling of the 'old me' stays.

[PUGLETMUM]

hiya zek,

firstly thanks for kind encouragement to me even tho you're feling low

secondly i am having private cbt with very nice experienced lady(she is head of community mental health team but retiring any day now) so i know what you mean when you feel equal with a professional and thats really good.

all the evidence shows that meds are no good for agoraphobia, but dont think you've got that sounds more like panic disorder, the difference beibg the agoro person AVOIDS

you know what is going on with you, and the other thing is that feeling bad means you are not a bad man, if you didnt care what youd done then that would be different,

i agree that the panic sems to have come out in this way tho, and it IS unacceptable to hit someone even if you are panicking,

not sure what other advice to give now except that maybe more understanding of your panic issues will now stop you from being aggressive

oh and also these disorders do contaminate our relationships as you can see from my posts i am currently losing the grip on my 10 year relationship because of my agoro, i also have the queuing problem hence the reason ive not gone to anglesey as planned and am going to try going at 7am tomorrow

[Zek]

I suppose it is comforting to know the side of me that was violent to my partner could have been (and I say could) anxiety / panic.

It's hard to see how until you understand the Fight / Flight aspect. Since I have had extreme stress these past four weeks, more than I can honestly say I've ever had in my life before, I feel that there is now great evidence to show that it was Panic and not my nature. The doctor who came to my house on friday did say this to me too but it helps a great deal hearing this from fellow suffers, who experience most if not all my symptoms.

Thank you for all your replies.

[candie]

Hi zek,
i am exactly the same,sometimes especially when i'm having bad days i completely lose it.I get so angry it scares me.I could lash out at anyone or anything at the time.ive been looking into anger management courses online but i havent found anything yet.

just wanted you to know you weren't on your own.
Take care,Candie xxx

[Zek]

Thanks Candie, it does help to know that I'm not the only one who has had similar moments of anger. Thankfully your anger hasn't got to the stage mine used to.

Without knowing it the Beta Blockers that my doctor gave me seemed to stop the anger side of me before it went to the out of control part.