Hi guys!
Just thought I'd pop by, see how everyone is doing?
I'm doing ok. I'm working hard, and my job is going pretty well. I try to fill my spare time with voluntary work, particularly at the Sue Ryder Hospice near me. Before, I was by myself for a lot of the time, so all I really did was think about myself, and I'm glad that I can think about other people and try to help them instead now. I'm seeing my friends as well, and still dating.
I have been feeling a bit depressed lately. Barely anxious at all, just depressed. Two pretty big lumps came up on my neck a fortnight ago, and I haven't even been bothered. I wasn't going to go to the doctor until my mum freaked out and said I had to go. The doctor thinks they're just big reactive lymph nodes, which is what I thought, and is going to do some tests in a week if they haven't gone down. I think one of them might have gone down a little. But I don't really care either way. I feel like I don't care much what the lumps are. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad sign.
I've been feeling quite lonely. I'm 31 now, and I really want a family of my own. Ideally a husband and a couple of children, but I'd be really happy with a nice boyfriend. Or just one child by myself. Just some sort of family. I've been dating for over two years and haven't met anybody I could even remotely see myself in a long term relationship with. I've had sex exactly 7 times in the last two plus years, which is pretty lame for someone my age! I know that my fertility issues aren't getting any better, either.
The only person I can completely rely on is my mother (I know I'm lucky to have even one person) but she is 70 this year and I'm scared of losing her. Thinking about it makes me tear up a bit. I hope she has at least another decade, and I hope by that time I will have more people in my life to love and who love me. I get a bit worried about how I'll look after my parents when they're older if I don't have anybody to help me. I don't know how I'll manage it alone.
So I've been feeling a bit depressed. I'm still functioning normally though, and doing all the things I should be doing (I think). But my life is a long way from what I want it to be, and although I've been working very hard to foster healthy habits and build a fulfilling life I don't feel that I'm objectively any closer to having my own family - even a non-conventional family - and that's hard to deal with.
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