I'm back and worse

[PanickyPolly]

Hi everyone...sorry to go all quiet on you all but having very bad mood swings. Finally have seen a psychitrist and psychologist but psychologist he's very harsh with me and my anxiety has gone through the roof. Am suspected of having Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi Polar, OCD and GAD. Have had a coupld of suicidal episodes since, manic bouts, terrible bouts of rage and dissociation. As you know I was getting better anxiety wise and planning a trip abraod but since seeing shrink anxiety is back and I've been doubting ,myself all the time expecially as he's been invalidating my feelings. Every time I tell him soething he wither tells me I'm overeacting or looks shocked. I don'y even have the energy to book the holiday now as the thought of it freaks me out even though I really want to go I don't know what to do. Back on valium again and more often than ever. No anti depressants are working and I'm more alone than ever. Sorry to moan as soon as I come back.

[Jimbo]

Hi Polly,

Sounds like you've had a tough time. I'm glad you're seeing the psych's and they are trying to help. It might feel like they are being invalidating but I'm sure they are just trying to help.
I have some of the symptoms of BPD, the mood swings, self harm, para-suicidal behaviours, etc, so you are not alone.
It's taking time but with therapy and meds I'm slowly improving, things will get better for you too. With meds it can take a few attempts to find one and they do take ages before they take full effect. The current AD I've been on only feels like it's starting to work after 3-4 months. I would try to go careful with the Valium, it does help but you will become tolerant to it and keep needing to increase the dose for it to be effective, then when you come to stop it can be very hard going, probably making things worse in the long run.

Maybe think about the holiday, are you going with anyone that can look after you and take care of things if it gets too much? Often the anticipation is worse than the event so I'm sure you'll have a good time if you go. I've got a big test coming up next weekend with Glastonbury Festival and my anxiety has been sky high but I know even if I panic and have a rough time it's gonna help me recover. Not going would be worse in a way as I'd just be avoiding.

Are they going to be sorting out any therapy for you? I'm getting DBT (Dialectic Behavioural Therapy) it is helping a lot and is considered much more effective than CBT for BPD sufferers.

Jim

[PanickyPolly]

Hi Jimbo...gald you're on the road to recovery. Do you actually have BPD or just BPD traits? I've got all 9 out of 9 criterea. Thing is with valium...if I don't have it I go out of my head...nothing else calms me down and I either go off into a rage wanting to kill people or self harm. Anti depressants don't touch it. I'm on a low dose though. Nope...totally alone now...even pervey step dad has abandoned me so will be going aorad alone but it's a coach tour it's just I wanted to hire a car and drive a couple of as over there. Might sound crazy considering hwo Ill I am but I can't see a future over here and feel I'll die inside sometimes if I don't go. If I can do it it'll be amazing but anxiety and depression is holding me back with decision making and stress. Don't know if they'll sort out therpay...I doubt it...the NHS can't afford it in Wales. My CPN once told me there's a personality dsorder specialist in Bristol so I don't know if they can transfer me there, who knows. Either that or an OD.

[Jimbo]

Hi Polly,

Yes I do have BPD, it's a bit hard to accept sometimes tho. My diagnosis is Depression, Panic & Anxiety Disorder with BPD traits.

With BPD it can make you feel very alone and abandoned at times, but try to remember that it's just your illness talking.

I'm sure you will be able to get therapy, sometimes you just have to ask firmly and wait a while. As for meds, I would give them time and try to not get too reliant on the Valium, there's plenty of other AD's out there that might work for you, maybe consider a higher dose.

With the holiday, maybe you are not well enough to go at the moment, but maybe think about saving it for the future when things are better.

Either that or an OD.

I know you don't really want to do that, you just want an escape from your problems. Trouble is, no-one knows what happens when you are gone, you might not be getting away from them at all. Also consider how your family and others would feel often we get carried away with these sort of thoughts as it seems like the only option at the time. Things change over time and you would regret it in the future.

Keep fighting on hun, things will get better.

Jim

[PanickyPolly]

Hiya Jimbo...it is hard and it's hard to know what is you and what's the illness. I've have full blown BPD though not the traits. Traits are different to having the actual illness. Thing is I've been told not to take anti depressants as I've tried just about every one going now over the past 15 years and none of them have helped. As for ODing...no one would miss me quite honestly...I have not family or friends at all. Only one friend up in Luton thats' it. Serioulsy...that's all but yeah the only thing stopping me sometimes is the fact I might be jumping form the frying pan into the fire. I don't think the docs quite get that I think they just think I'm not as bad as I say I am but if they knew the reason why I don't actually do it...like I said...things could be worse the other side...they'd understand.

I gotta laugh though hun...I wouldn't 'regret' killing myself as I'd be dead lol.

Anyway thanks again for being brave enough to reply. Seems I'm the black sheep on here sometimes as everyone is so normal compared to me. *hugs*

[Jimbo]

Hey Polly,

it is hard and it's hard to know what is you and what's the illness

I agree, I think that's part of it being a 'personality' disorder. It's just the way we are because of our experiences in life. A friend recently said to me that everything in life happens for a reason. I know I wouldn't be the person I am now were it not for the life I've had. I'm not a spiritual person but I sometimes think that we are on this earth for a reason and everything that's happened to me was meant to be.

Traits are different to having the actual illness

Not sure about that, I haven't actually dared to ask my psychiatrist if he'd class BPD as a diagnosis for me. I do fit the critera for it. I'll be seeing him next week so I might get the guts to ask then. Although my therapist says I have it. The way I understand it, BPD in simple terms is a disorder of emotion regulation. I think it's a very wide term and isn't recognised as a clinical diagnosis as it's quite a controversial illness.

AD's don't always work for everyone and maybe bezos are the way to go, but I still think they are probably going to create more problems in the future for you.

I would definately push for some sort of psychotherapy based treatment, aside from DBT there's a few other types. I think it could help you. You sound like you have the will to want to get better which is a big first step, so well done.

As for being the 'black sheep', don't worry, there's a few other people knocking around here with BPD. People are probably just a bit shy about posting.

I wouldn't 'regret' killing myself as I'd be dead lol

Who knows eh, maybe you would. No-one knows what happens after we're gone. I for one would hate to see you gone, so you can add me to the list.

When's your next appointment to see the shrink or whatever?

Jim

[PanickyPolly]

Hey Jimbo...I think I scare ppl on here lol. I'm a bit too intense for em I think. But hey that can't be haelped. Had really really bad day. First time in forever I didn't feel like getting up and working and that's weird for me. Had veery bad anxiety attack in the morning, took valium, calmed down by evening but driving lesson didn't go too well and now I feel wful a I sooooooooooooooo need to learn to drive to drive in the States in September. I so need to go home I can't tell you hw much. I feel so trapped here I hate this life. Seeing psychologist tomorrow.

Yup...ask your shrink right out if it's straight up BPD or just traits. I would. xxx

[Jimbo]

I think I scare ppl on here lol. I'm a bit too intense for em I think. But hey that can't be haelped.

Maybe, I feel the same sometimes, but that is something we can work on. Therapy can really help with comunication skills.

I so need to go home I can't tell you hw much.

Do you come from the states? I have a sister that lives in LA.

Glad you managed your driving lesson, I don't drive and I couldn't manage driving at the moment, you're brave to have done that.

Good luck with the psychologist, maybe try to have a chat about what treatment options are available for BPD and see if they can arrange something for you.

Jim