Am I too much for him?
Hi everyone, I'm new to this site and I feel I must point out first that I myself, am not a sufferer of anxiety, but have a relationship with some one who was recently diagnosed with G.A.D.
I have come on here to try and gain a better understanding of this illness in the hope that I can help my partner. However, recently I have begun to wonder if in fact being in a relationship with me is too much for him.
So here is our story:
We started dating a couple of years a go, on and of. I did most of the chasing, as he is quite shy and reserved. At one point he completely distanced him self from me, and as I learnt later on in the relationship, it was because he had some anxiety issues. Eventually we became official and everything was going brilliant, until my house mate decided he was leaving a couple of days before my land lords were heading back to their second home abroad for 6 months. My boyfriend was considering moving at that time, so it made sense to ask him if he would be interested in moving into the now available room (my landlords had also met him several times, so were happy with this arrangement), but I had my doubts as we'd only been together around 4 months at this time and I felt it was moving a bit fast.
He moved in and it was brilliant, we were getting on well and were typically all loved up. Then I developed a shoulder issue which meant I couldn't use my right arm for weeks, and a result he became almost like my carer. There were bouts of frustration for both parties: I was stuck at home with no social interaction and he was my only source of human contact. He was tired from work and found it even more tiring having to keep me entertained.
Things started to pick up again once we went on our 1st holiday together and I was able to go back to work (I believe this took a lot of stress of his shoulders).
Then the landlords came back (live in landlords), both of who are very big characters and are quiet dominant in that respect. My boyfriend started to act weird at this point. He became less social, hid himself a way in his room more and lost most of his get up and go. I was torn between both parties trying to keep the peace (he became quite hypersensitive to sounds and smell). Eventually the above started affecting his sleep, so everything just became worse.
I was aware that he suffered with anxiety, but he never really spoke to me about it (blood from a stone comes to mind) and we started drifting apart.
After a night out with one of his mates, he finally told me how bad his anxiety was and that he felt the relationship was making it all worse as it was putting so much stress on him trying to keep me happy. We both agreed that it was probably best that we end it there and then.
I was absolutely heart broken and angry. If only he had opened up to me earlier instead of leaving it until it was too late! I am quite an independent person and I have high walls to protect myself, but after we broke up I came to realise just how much I actually loved him, how much I had actually allowed him to get close.
Things go a bit silly a month or so after we broke up (we were still house mates), and it left me feeling really confused and when I confronted him about it all, he was just the same, and adamant that he still didn't want a relationship. This hurt.
He eventually went for professional help and was diagnosed with G.A.D. Unfortunately there is a very long waiting list for the help he needs via the NHS and as a result he has deteriorated more.
After messing me around for a month or so, I called it all of ( I had moved out by this point) and said I needed to keep my distance from him for my own sanity. After 2 weeks of this, he got in contact and after another 2 weeks due to my reluctance, we eventually met up and had a chat.
He asked if I was willing to give him another chance. He had realised that he couldn't do it on his own, that when he wasn't with me he was completely miserable. I agreed that we could give it another go (just dating) as long as he put some effort in as it always felt one sided to me. He agreed to this.
Now, I have issues myself, low self esteem and trust issues to name a couple, so I have been going for private counselling myself. He has had a bad bout of his anxiety recently and I've been trying to get him to go for private help as he is still waiting on the NHS appointments. Now that I am able to see and think a bit more clearly, I feel like I'm in a moment of dejavu.
Is being in a relationship too much for him? I have asked him this question myself, but he always dodges it and never really gives me a proper answer.
So, to those of you with anxiety, have any of you been in a similar situation? What did you need from your partner? What should I not do in this situation?
Apologise for the long post, but I wanted you to understand where I was coming from with my questions.
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