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Thread: Why can't I let this fear go?

  1. #1
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    Why can't I let this fear go?

    I went back to my doctor this morning about a few things, one of them being a lump I could feel in my left breast. She did a breast exam and said everything felt fine. But she also said if a lump ever doesn't go away and gets bigger then get it checked again. That voice in my head is telling me what if that lump is after getting bigger but she doens't know what it felt like or how big it was a few months ago.
    Is that crazy thinking?
    I have to start separating rational from irrational thoughts here. Surely if the lump was of any concern to her then she'd refer me on to a breast clinic, even if it didn't turn out to be sinister.
    Shouldn't her telling me that everything felt fine be enough for me?
    Have I fallen down the rabbit hole again or is there any bit of logic to my thinking?

  2. #2

    Re: Why can't I let this fear go?

    Hi, I understand your fears. I am generally pretty confident in my doctors breast exams. Does she know you well? How old are you? I totally get why you would be worried but I am thinking that if she felt something suspect she would let you know and do something about it. Her comment about if one does get bigger was probably not the right thing to say to someone with health anxiety as she was probably just trying to educate you about lumps but you read into it as thinking she mean you do have a lump.
    Its easy to go to the doctor and only fixate and the anything vague or odd they might say. I am sure you are fine.
    Notice the irish flag. Im irish too but have lived in canada since i was 12.
    Health anxiety sucks!!!

  3. #3
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    Re: Why can't I let this fear go?

    Quote Originally Posted by BrokenGirl View Post
    I went back to my doctor this morning about a few things, one of them being a lump I could feel in my left breast. She did a breast exam and said everything felt fine. But she also said if a lump ever doesn't go away and gets bigger then get it checked again. That voice in my head is telling me what if that lump is after getting bigger but she doens't know what it felt like or how big it was a few months ago.
    Is that crazy thinking?
    I have to start separating rational from irrational thoughts here. Surely if the lump was of any concern to her then she'd refer me on to a breast clinic, even if it didn't turn out to be sinister.
    Shouldn't her telling me that everything felt fine be enough for me?
    Have I fallen down the rabbit hole again or is there any bit of logic to my thinking?
    Remember: Don't feed the dragon - slay it!
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    Re: Why can't I let this fear go?

    Quote Originally Posted by BrokenGirl View Post
    Shouldn't her telling me that everything felt fine be enough for me?
    Have I fallen down the rabbit hole again or is there any bit of logic to my thinking?
    Yes it should be enough for you and yes you are heading down the rabbit hole and no no logic to your thinking.

    I see your posts on here and my heart does go out to you but there is no logic to your thinking.

    I do not know what help is available to you but I would really try and get some and then give it your all.

    Hope things get better for you.

    Elen
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  5. #5
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    Re: Why can't I let this fear go?

    I just can't shake these bloody thoughts from my head. I keep asking myself questions like "What if the lump has got bigger over the past few weeks/months?" or "what if she didn't feel it properly?". The lump feels a bit bigger when i'm standing up and i was lying down for the breast exam.
    What will it take for me to start seeing sense?
    You said Elen that my thinking is not logical, how do i truely accept that?
    And I had a mammogram about 8 months ago so i know the chances of anything growing between then and now are probably small anyway.
    Has anyone ever been this bad with HA and come out smiling at the other end?

  6. #6
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    Re: Why can't I let this fear go?

    Quote Originally Posted by BrokenGirl View Post
    What will it take for me to start seeing sense?
    You said Elen that my thinking is not logical, how do i truely accept that?
    I think that question illustrates very clearly how skewed your thinking is and how severe you anxiety is affecting you. And that's just it.... The problem is you can't see it.

    From a non-sufferer perspective and a survivor, I see your fear as highly, highly irrational. In fact, the vast majority of fears you've posted over the last year+ have had the same degree of irrationality. You just keep going around and around. Some way, some how, you have to get off this merri-go-round.

    I hope you take the steps to do so.

    Positive thoughts
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  7. #7
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    Re: Why can't I let this fear go?

    She feels breast all day long looking for lumps and abnormalities. If it was concerning to her at all she would have said so. It doesn't matter what it felt like before, she felt it now and wasn't concerned. I think you already know that your feelings are anxiety based and not reality based. Start there, with that knowledge.

    Accepting that your fears are not based in reality is a truly freeing feeling. It finally allows you to see that nagging HA voice inside your head for what it truly is. I wish I could say that there's a magic formula for how to get to that place but it's different for everyone. One thing that has helped me is to try to model my thinking/reactions as closely as I can to how a non-HAer would think or react. If I'm worried about something I try to think how my family would react to the same thing. Most of the time the answer is that they would let it go and not worry. They would accept the diagnosis and move on. With that information I can remind myself that my thoughts are not rational. It's a very deliberate and continuing process. It is something that I have to practice on a daily, often hourly, basis. But it is working. I'm slowly pulling myself out of the HA trap. If I can then I know that anyone here can as well.

  8. #8
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    Re: Why can't I let this fear go?

    I think I was just starting to see sense about that lump. But I've been examining my breasts so much the last few days and now I can feel another lump. It's in a different part of my breast to the last lump but it feels fairly solid and I can't move it easily, which I think is a bad sign.
    I know all I want at the moment is reassurance but this is eating me up so much inside that I'm feeling ill from it all day long. The fear is just swallowing me up.
    I just don't know what to do any more. Should I go back to the doctor for reassurance on this to ease my mind for a while?

    P.S. I am in the process of starting counselling. I met with a doctor at the day hospital last Friday who took all my details down and said he'll refer me to a psychologist. In the meantime he gave me medication which I tried for a few days but they made me so so sick I had no choice but to stop taking them.

  9. #9
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    Re: Why can't I let this fear go?

    You need to ride out the side effects of medication! It can take up to 2 months before you really start to see and feel the benefits. What medication were you prescribed? Dosage?

    Positive thoughts
    __________________
    "Eat. Drink. Enjoy the work you do. Be thankful for the blessings God gives you in this life. Live, love and seek out the things that bring your heart joy. The rest is meaningless... Like chasing the wind." King Solomon

    The best help is the help you give yourself! http://cbt4panic.org/

  10. #10
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    Re: Why can't I let this fear go?

    Quote Originally Posted by Fishmanpa View Post
    You need to ride out the side effects of medication! It can take up to 2 months before you really start to see and feel the benefits. What medication were you prescribed? Dosage?

    Positive thoughts
    He put me on 50mg of Clomipramine, more commonly known as Anafranil.
    I know these medications can make you feel worse before better but I was physically throwing up all the time, shaking, couldn't eat, no energy so had to spend most of my time in bed, severe headache and lots more. I just felt like I'd been completely poisoned.
    It really was horrific what they did to me

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