I knew it would happen sooner or later.
I went back to work from 5 days away on Wednesday and my head was just spinning. Too much to do, too many deadlines, too many messages, too much stress.
I ended up losing it and saying some really harsh things to someone close to me. I felt so bad that I just broke down.
Thursay was no better, neither was Friday. My boss called me in and lectured me saying that sort of behaviour was below me, and as a valued team member I shouldn't be struggling to get all my work done, and that if I need help with stuff I must ask. I just sat there staring out of the window nodding and occsionally agreeing with him, with a lump firmly wedged in my throat. He asked if there was anything else that may be bothering me but I just choked out a 'no'.
I called my girlfriend on the way home and apologised for going mental at her and she accepted it but carried on digging and digging until I broke and asked her what she wanted from me....and I hung up and turned off my phone.
I sent her a text apologising and she sent one back saying she's on her way home and we'll talk about it then, I replied I didn't want to.
She got in and said I'd been down for about a month, I reacted by saying I was fine and it was just work stress, but she knows me better than that. I broke down again and felt so unhappy.
I told her I have decided to see my doctor again as I am depressed again, probably worse than the last times I've 'replapsed'. My main fear is having my life run by medication, that's why I've been holding off going back.
I thought I was ok but I'm not.
Every day I feel ashamed of the way I have been treated, ashamed the way I talk to people, the way I treat people. The way I behave.
It's like I resent everyone for a few messed up individuals' behaviour.