Really struggling. Really scared.
Hi all,
Firstly apologies if I get any of the terminology wrong, this is my first time talking about anything like this.
I think I have struggled with anxiety ever since I was in my late teens. I used to smoke cannabis very irregularly, then one night I got wrecked on it (I suspect there might have been some LSD in it) and had a terrible existential experience. I thought my view into the world was all some sort of mirage, some sort of eternal pattern trying figure itself out and all of this, all of what I see, all of what I know and experience and love is an illusion and it just a continuing pattern trying to figure out what itself out and this is what my thoughts are. I have no idea how long I was stuck inside this loop, but it was incredibly frightening and I freaked everyone at this party out. I was so relieved when I snapped out of it. I tried cannabis one more time, as I thought this was just an anamoly and the same thing happened (it was definitely cannabis this time). I have never touched any narcotics since (I must have been 18/19 at the time, I'm now 29. My only "drug" is alcohol, which I will touch on later in the post, I don't even drink caffeine anymore) Every now and again, I worry that this experience was actually the true reality and this life I live, this vision into the world, I don't feel fully convinced what is real (the world around me, you, my wife, my kids) is real and I get very anxious when I think about this experience and think about my thoughts. I worry if I keep thinking about it, I will realise that this all isn't real and I am constantly on the cusp of losing literally everything (the memories I have with my children, the future, everything I know, everything I love). I think I experienced this realisation when everything wasn't real once, a few months or years after I had given up cannabis and, it was only for a few seconds, but it freaked me out completely. This has something which has always bothered me and I can go months without it effecting me at all, but for some reason it has been bothering me a bit over the past few months. I have noticed that when I'm eating good and exercising, my mental health feels great. But, I've put on a bit of weight recently, I've become quite sedantry and it has increased. I also notice if I've drank the night before or haven't drank much water that day, I can feel worse about it. Apologies if this doesn't make much sense, I hope you appreciate it is an incredibly hard thing to experience.
I turn 30 in a few months and over the past couple of weeks I have also become incredibly concerned about death and time passing and how every moment, every second, is gone as we experience it and how we are all hurtling towards our end state. I'm an agnostic Catholic and haven't been to church in a while and I do worry about the afterlife. I worry about an eternity of nothingness for me and my children and my loved ones and it makes me so sick. I am becoming so sad and anxious as I consume any media or news which has death in it and am so aware that we are all going to die and we do not know what awaits us. I desperately want their to be an afterlife. This might sound a bit strange to anyone who is an atheist in this thread, but when I was about 14, I used to pray and one night I asked God in prayer to prove if he was real by making the girl I was hopelessly in love with that week (teenagers, eh?) to give me a hug from behind, she had never done it before, and hadn't done it after and the next day she did. Now, I'm very interesting politics and economics so spend a lot of time scrutinising theory and constantly doubt my political and economic beliefs, so I am constantly doubting this experience. Am I misremembering it? Was it a coincidence? I'm really not the sort of person who believes in things without evidence, but was that the evidence I needed? I pray for another sign, but I fear about being that specific in case it doesn't come true and my faith is dented further than it is now. If I'm honest, I want to believe even if there isn't anything. I would rather live in misguided faith and stop worrying.
I spend a lot of time in my own head and worrying about things and verbalising things or writing it down (like I am doing) makes me feel a lot better.
But this horrible feeling of worry about existence and time passing and death is ruining my life. I want to be the best Dad I can be, go to work, get home, play with my two little kids and be so much fun, but I am just getting so worried about things completely out of my control that I feel I am on the cusp of some major breakdown.
I have booked an appointment with my GP (this is the first time I have ever seeked medical advice).
I speak to my wife, who is an absolute saint and tries to make me feel better but her advice tends to be "just try and think about something else" or "try not to worry yourself" and that just seems impossible, the less I want to think about things, the more I think about them. I'm the same with scabs and cuts, I know I shouldn't pick it, but I do until it's all gone.
The only times I stop worrying about these things is when I've had a drink, however I tend to feel worse the next day (hangovers). My drinking isn't a problem, but I sense it has the potential to become one. I am not drinking every night, but I want to know because I know that means I won't have a night stricken with worry. On nights I know I am not drinking, I get more anxious because I know I am going to feel anxious!
I just want to not worry about these huge existential things anymore and get on with my life in ignorance of these intrusive thoughts and be a good husband and dad and have a nice, happy life, where I can be in control of my own thoughts. I am worried this is on the cusp of getting out of control and manifest itself in some sort of alcohol addiction, nervous breakdown or a suicide attempt.
Warmest regards,
STC
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