So yesterday I started to read CBT4 panic properly, had a really positive day thinking wow I can do this, today my head has plummeted when I tried to start the Gradual exposure exercise.

Doing an activity for 8 days and write down how the panic was before, during and afterwards.... So I thought I would share my journey on her too.

The morning didn't start off too great, I woke up and we had men fixing the boiler in the house so I sort of hid until they left!! (yep I know I shouldn't have done!!)

Got up and the sun started to shine.... brilliant my brain much prefers the sun (doesn't everyones??)

Dusk is the crappiest time of day for me I can almost guarantee my dp/dr comes on worse at that time...... t the minute from about 3pm to 6pm! and sods law that is when my work is!! I haven't managed to work for about 5 weeks now.... but I completely love my jobs and miss them like crazy.

anywayback to the Gradual exposure.... driving is a big problem for me.... I suffer from DP/DR badly when my head is being a ****, so driving can feel unsafe to me.... If I don't feel real then how am I meant to drive safely?? but I guess deep down I will be concentrating more so theoretically I would be safer (my head doesn't really see that) My mum says that she never feels unsafe when I drive however my head is so I guess that is good.

The plan...
Drive to the nearest town, (5 miles away) maybe drop something off at one of the charity shops and go to Tesco to get some cat litter.

what actually happened...

Before I went I was quite calm to start with, My DP/DR about a 4/10

then as I went to get dressed my dp/dr increased 6/10

Put my shoes on and it shot up to but still determined to go ahead with it I need to be free of this again!! 8/10

Got to the car and started driving.... the DR decreased a bit, maybe because I was concentrating on other things 6/10

further in the journey I passed the local primary school.... the children were just walking to church for the end of term service 8/10

Decision made onto the charity shop, DP/DR has subsided a little and there is a supermarket next to it 5/10

,Charity shop, only in there a couple of minutes 5/10

Small Supermarket DR increases as I have to talk to a shop worker that I don't know they don't have the cat litter I want 7/10

Need to go to another supermarket so head to 'Big Tesco's' (we have a Tesco Express and a super market so one is known as Big tescos)
but we are passing my nephews house and I need to talk to him so call in there to talk about Christmas as he is coming to ours 7/10

To Big Tesco walk round get a few things very busy (what am I thinking trying this just before xmas?????) maybe it is a good thing?!?! DP and DR fluctuate while walking round each time it upped itself I tried to let it be and tell myself that it was just a feeling and wasn't going to hurt me and i just my fight or flight reaction making a mistake, It worked about once the rest of the time it just kind of laughed at me 4/10 - 8/10

Still no bloody cat litter (cats know what you lot are getting for christmas lol) Now we have to go to another shop!! so on to Lidls. bought some cooked meat from the reduced section in Tesco so nibble on that... it wasn't the nicest beef as my mum said "you can mend your shoes with that beef!!" Since my head has been bad I hardly ever eat while I am out, anx makes me feel sick 7/10

On to Lidls, we may as well stock up the tin cupboard while we are here .... right?? 8/10

Walk around Lidls DP increases and I tell it 'whatever do your worst'... so it did!! I carried on round the shop, didn't walk out and go hide (result!! so I thought!!)..... Just getting over a cold so have a tickly cough.... have a coughing fit and end up being sick... right in the middle of Lidls!!!!! managed to catch it in my hand so that was good (ish) ewwww....... are people looking at me it is so busy in here, a few were looking at me at the time they were string at me thinking ewww how disgusting, now I am home my head thinks that only a few were looking at me and that was because they were checking I was ok and not choking lol 10/10

Ffs, still no cat litter, I really need this cat litter.... on to sainsburys!!! To sainsbury's still really bad DP but I have to go there I need the cat litter so drive there 9/10

Into Sainsburys, don't really want to get out of the car, my mum offers to pop in for me and check as she sees I am struggling BUT i decide in for a penny in for a pound... We both went in..... seriously DP/DR you can go now I am fed up with you 9/10

Struggled round, why does the pet section have to be the far side of the shop??? so many people anyone would think it was Christmas soon!! 10/10

Got it the holy grail.... cat litter!!! paid for it got back the car ready to explode..... but managed to keep it in and drive homeIt has now been so long that it is getting dark ffs my worst time! 9/10

pulled in to my street.... ffs I needed to post those xmas cards.... turn round go out of my road and down to the post box in the village!! I almost got back home!! 8/10

finally get back home and my brain is so tired and panicky that it revolted on me for half an hour, I still managed to put the shopping away while really panicking and then sat on the settee in a panicky mess 8/10 - 10/10

Now 2 hours later my brain is now settling down into my 'safeplace' again 6/10

hopefully it will settle even more later as I chill more..... going to try not to have a bath tonight... I have had one daily for the last couple of weeks, kind of like a safety measure, no idea why, maybe something to do to take my mind off things but in the last.

So I think my 'Gradual' exposure turned into something not so gradual and my head is telling me that I completely failed as yesterday I felt so positive about it all and today I came crashing down!.......but at least I have the bloody cat litter!!!


Tomorrow...... the same trip to town but to a different shop in the middle of town..... watch this space

and if you have read this far.... are you bored yet???