Hi Everyone,
When I first started citalopram the posts in this forum caused me both fear about the journey ahead and determination to give the medication a sufficient chance. While some people experience horrible and bizarre side effects, others experience few, and many report that the drug only begins to provide relief after several months. With this in mind, I thought I should post a description of my personal experience (which at 9.5 weeks I would describe as relatively positive) in case this might provide assurance to others struggling with the initial side effects, fear, and doubt. I think this medication can work, but it needs to be given sufficient time, as my experience illustrates.
Several years ago, due to some particularly negative life circumstances I developed anxiety, hit rock-bottom emotionally, and became depressed. While I would describe my state as very bad I was probably only moderate on the scale of these conditions. Around nine weeks ago I started on citalopram. In short, I experienced terrible side effects and doubted the efficacy of this pill, but these gradually tapered off and I'm now feeling a lot better. Below is a timeline and description of my experiences over the preceding nine weeks.
Week 1-3
I experienced terrible side effects initially. I felt nauseous, had insomnia and slept no more than three hours (even with sleeping pills), felt extremely agitated, totally lacked concentration, felt disconnected from reality, and experienced borderline hallucinations. I vividly remember going to the beach one evening and noticing that my perspective, looking down the beach with large cliffs in the distance, was altered in some way that I can't adequately describe. It just looked wrong, and this only added to my constant feeling of discomfort and anxiety. Several times during this period I woke in the night with a kind of physical anxiety that honestly helped me understand the reasons people hurt themselves. It was like being trapped in myself, with a physical, sickly, frantic sense of dread and a desperate desire to make it stop.
During this time I seriously questioned my decision to take this medication. The side effects were unremitting and scary, and I was fearful they would never pass or that I had damaged my brain irrevocably.
Week 4-5
During this time my side effects began to subside slightly, which provided some reassurance. I still had insomnia but the sleeping pills began to have a positive effect. However, around week four I started a new job and this caused me additional worries. While the side effects had lessened, doing quality work and conducting myself in a busy office was a real challenge. I still felt a sense of unreality, was spaced-out, couldn't concentrate on complex problems, and worst of all felt that I had lost my ability to think expansively. This was very troubling for me, as I wondered if this was simply what life is like on antidepressants.
Week 6-7
By this time most of my side effects had vanished. No more nausea, much improved concentration, and by taking zopiclone when I woke in the night I was able to sleep for six or more hours.
Week 8-10
Right now I can say the side effects have mostly vanished. I stopped taking sleeping pills and while my sleep isn't great, it's OK.
The benefits
From around week eight I began to feel the benefits of this medication.
Being depressed, I lost the ability to feel excited and felt like I had nothing to look forward to. My mental state was dominated a pervasive negativity and the only two emotions I seemed possess were rage and sadness. I wasted many days simply broken down and crying.
Citalopram, I feel, has positively regulated my emotions. I still feel rubbish a lot of the time but don't sink as low as a previously did. My negativity is more rational - its like I'm out of the hole that depression created and can face problems with a little more clarity. I feel more resilient and haven’t been spending entire days crying. My concentration has returned, I feel quite clear headed and can think expansively again. The effect is subtle, yet powerful, and in a way I am a bit amazed by it.
My advice to anyone just starting is to stick with it, and don't be afraid to take anti-anxiety or sleeping pills to get through - I took 7.5mg zopiclone every night for two months before gradually decreasing to 2mg by week 8 and then stopping altogether. Good luck.
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