Hello,

This is my first post here and I'm not really sure if this is a good place to discuss this, but I couldn't find a community for the spouses of those suffering from anxiety disorders.

This is likely going to be long but please bear with me. I've been with my wife for nearly 5 years now, married for two of those. She has been suffering with anxiety the entire time we have been married and was eventually diagnosed with having agoraphobia a couple of years ago.

For the most part I have adapted to living with a spouse with anxiety and I generally felt I was a supportive husband. But recently, I'm starting to get depressed and feel like I am missing out on things I want in life.

I am a BIG fan of travel and my long-term goal is to be financially free so I can travel the world without worrying about the cost. The problem with this is a) my wife cannot stand getting on a flight (or any public transit) and the thought of travel makes her want to die. Once she has reached the destination, however, she loves it. And b) she cares more about living an anxiety free life than she does about money.

My wife recently lost her job that paid $90,000 and decided not to look for work again, and instead started her own business working from home while I pay all of the family bills. Ever since then she has not had any success in her business (yet - it hasn't been long) but she is happier than ever. Working always provoked anxiety for her to the extent she was miserable, so staying at home has removed that. I'm pleased she is happy, but I'm more miserable than any point in our relationship.

I feel like if my wife had her way she would happily move to the middle of nowhere, stay at home, work remotely and not interact with anybody other than via chat/email/video calls etc. She would probably be content earning little money and having no social life. The only people we currently see are her parents at the weekend. We very rarely do anything of an evening or weekend, at most we might walk our dog in the park or go to the movies (aisle seat, nearest the exit of course).

My wife has also now decided she would like to have children in the next couple of years, which I am not set on at all (anxiety or not). When my wife is hardly able to live a normal life herself I can't help but feel like most (if not all) of the responsibilities of having a child will fall on me. Who is going to take them to school, to sports, to socialize, to the doctor? You guessed it, me again.

She is already unable to do anything for herself that involves public interaction, she always asks for me to do things or for me to do it with her. I can't hold my wife's hand in everything she does, as well as looking after a child.

All in all, I feel like my wife's agoraphobia is controlling her life and as a result the decisions she makes and the goals she sets herself. I don't want the life I think she wants to build to avoid her anxiety. Am I selfish for thinking this way? I feel guilty for being upset and unsupportive, but I can't go on forever prioritizing her anxiety over my life goals. If we don't want the same things (anxiety or not) I don't know how we are going to make it work long-term.

She says I can go and do everything I want while she stays at home if it's an issue. That's not a marriage to me...I went to NY on vacation on my own recently and while I enjoyed it greatly, it's not the same with nobody to share it with.

My wife has tried therapy once or twice but I never felt she gave it the proper effort it requires to make a real change. As soon as it came to her being challenged to face her fears she gave up and claimed she didn't need the help. She CLEARLY needs help but obviously doesn't want it. I do feel like I enable her behaviour by helping her to avoid things that make her anxious, or always being there if she needs me. What am I to do though? I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to.

I love my wife dearly and it hurts me knowing how happy we both could be if it wasn't for this damned agoraphobia!

Any advice would be MUCH appreciated.