Hey guys, I've been on Cipralex for almost 11 weeks (February 2nd will mark 11 weeks), and it was working great for awhile but now it just doesn't seem to be doing anything for me anymore.

It was recommended to me 1-2 years ago when I got another evaluation from a psychiatrist to re-confirm my diagnoses and update any newfound ones... but I was extremely reluctant to take it because I had been on three anti-depressants before (Prozac, Effexor and Wellbutrin) and they made my conditions even worse. I was so much better 8+ years ago before I took the first one. Effexor made my depression the worst it had ever been; I spent every single day sitting outside staring off into space doing nothing for months. I felt pure darkness around me. It also made my BPD significantly worse. Wellbutrin gave me every single side effect listed and I lost a lot of weight and my anorexia got worse.

I finally decided to give in and try Cipralex because my depression had become very low again (it's been recurrent major depression for about a decade straight now)... and we started on 5mg to try and avoid side effects. I felt very nauseous and had headaches and brain fog the first week. It also completely depleted my sex drive/libido. I mean completely.

Once I went up to 10mg (which I am still on), the nausea/headaches came back for the first 4-5 days. Before the 6 week mark (which is when anti-depressants typically reach their peak), my intrusive thoughts from OCD had ceased, my depression and bad moods had greatly improved, my constant rage from BPD stopped, I felt content and happy for weeks. Got into a new relationship, was very willing to help everyone at all times, was full of energy and ready to just go, go, go, lol.

Well, once it reached the 7th week, everything began to spiral downwards.
My intrusive thoughts came back. I hear horrible things in my head again. And my rage and constant anger has come back tenfold-- I can't control it at all anymore and it's seriously negatively affecting my relationship with my partner and my family members. I don't do anything I typically enjoy anymore because I'm always busy doing something else, or sitting around waiting for my mother to do something she had previously planned.

All I do is clean other peoples' messes, carry out the same boring routine every single day, and everything that's going on in my life is just f--king hell, pardon my language. I hate my life so much. I almost died in a car accident two weekends ago and honestly, at this point, I wish I did die.

I feel so miserable, I feel a constant bubbling anger in my chest, I can physically feel that my blood pressure is high because I'm stressed all the time, I have nightmares every single night and can't stay asleep, I'm unbelievably exhausted everyday, the intrusive thoughts and horrible self-deprecating thoughts and hatred towards other people is so bad I don't know what to do anymore. I could go up to 20mg but what if it isn't effective?

My depression, moods and anxiety are about as bad as they were before I started Cipralex. My severe panic attacks have started up again. I feel like crying everyday and think of suicide everyday.

I don't know what to do, what do you guys recommend? Have any of yous experienced this before? I feel awful, and I'm making other people feel awful, and I know that my behaviour and "attitude" is hurting my partner, and I don't want to keep feeling this anymore... why can't I have just one anti-depressant work for once... SSRIs have been more effective than SNRI (Effexor), which made me significantly worse. But they all stop working after a certain amount of time and I end up where I started, or worse. I feel like a lost cause and like there's nothing to help me anymore. I haven't felt true happiness since I was a kid. All my teen years are hell. I live in a toxic house. I have no income, I can't work, I have no safe haven to escape to... I just put in a self-referral to a place near me in hopes of getting into their DBT program but no response yet.

(Extra Notes: I'm 21, identified as transgender for 7 years but now I'm identifying more as non-binary, really struggling with that... parents split when I was one and now my mom's trying to get back with him and I'm 100% against that... she recently kicked my stepdad out, I don't see any family, I have no friends. No interest in anything.)