New to the forum but not to Social Anxiety - My Story

[chris1990z]

Hi all,

This the first time I've used a forum like this and sat here on my own on a Saturday afternoon and I feel like I need to let it all out. I've currently just turned 28 and since leaving Uni at the age of 22 I've mostly been at home. I've always been shy and not the most out going, even at uni I had a small number of mates and wasn't the life and sole of the party which is fine I did my best. Towards the end of uni, those relationships started to break down a little and I found myself in my uni room in my free time not really speaking to many people.

In the last week of uni, I met someone from a dating app (I'm gay) and we got really close and got into a relationship. I left uni but he still had a year to go and whilst at uni my parents moved to the middle of nowhere in Dorset! I moved back home and spent my time going to and from Canterbury to see him every month or so for a couple of weeks.

I used that relationship to avoid going to work or braving the outside world much, using him as a safety blanket. Eventually, he left me due to not working and unable to put up with my mental heath issues because I'd get anxious and end things and get nasty.

When things ended, I spent nearly a year struggling to the point I'd pace around the house not knowing what to do with myself and my parents didn't know what to do after numerous trips to the hospital in major breakdowns, I really tried hard to overcome issues and ended up meeting a couple of mates through the same apps and going on a couple of nights out and tried to get out there a bit more.

After a couple of months, I then met another guy (24) who was totally different to me, really outgoing loved going out and partying (in 2015) I could be myself around him and he didn't go out as much. At first it was great, but then like my last relationship cracks started to show and my anxiety crept in causing fall outs and arguments continuously. He stuck by me until recently (Ended it in Jan 2018 a month or so ago) and given the reason as not having a job and appearing not to be trying to get any better! I mean what sort of life could I offer.

During our relationship, he went on holidays with his friends, nights out and I just sat in unable to do these things but he constantly stuck by me knowing the person I could be (perhaps some guilt too towards the end)

So long story short I've repeated the same behavior for the last 6 years, the only difference being I've started driving in October but that was only because he ended it and I had to do something to change.

I'm gutted with myself, two relationships down and I'm no further forward, my social media had no photo's with friends, no content and I've been in situations before where I've met people and you can tell they find it strange.

I really want to get into work, but I'm extremely worried I won't be able to build relationships with colleagues having not really done anything for 6 years, I fear I'll make up stories to not seem as awkward and strange and hide the fact I've been sat in my room for nearly 6 years give or take.

I'm distraught about this relationship breaking down because we were so happy and we could both see a future, despite being different it worked quite well until he realised things were never going to get any better (You can only help someone for so long right!).

Sorry this is so long, this is only a small insight into it all, but wondered if anyone else could relate to some of it or have any tips in getting back to work, building some relationships and friends and not coming across like I've hidden away for 6 years!

I have no real experience and never really had a full time job, I've got a degree which is really positive but I mean that was nearly 6 years ago now!

I'd be so grateful for some help, I really am wanting to seek help and change so I can progress a shape some sort of a life.

[Bigboyuk]

Hi Chris I fully empathise with you and trying all the time to make new friends its hard but I am going to do it sitting in the house all day which I do is no good for me send me a pm and we can chat off line if you like ATB

[Carys]

Hi there Chris, A few thoughts......

Firstly, the relationships, I think its fairly usual for people to 'go through' a number of partners/boy/girlfriends before they find the right one. So, the fact that you are two long-term relationships down is neither here nor there. I know its sad about losing two people who you were close to, and you feel time has been wasted, but really thats kind of how most people are nowadays. The problem from what I read here is that you have been low and vulnerable entering those relationships and they have become the only secure and stable part of your life. They have been your 'security', but underneath you weren't strong or happy yourself and eventually that came to the surface.

Ok, so its time to not go out looking for someone to share your life with right now, but to start building your life independently. I think you know this actually, as reading between the lines here I can see that you are very aware of the importance of now trying to move forward ina positive way. Its taking the first step thats hard though isn't it. Raising your self-esteem, confidence and social interactions are the most important thing, and when someone comes along you can them be in a stronger place.

As for working. Have you had any role at all over the last few years since your degree? Not a paid employment role, but helping anyone out or anything voluntary or some things that are not sitting in your room ? I'm not saying to lie here, because no doubt you'll get caught out for that....but its surprising how a few years can be filled up with some details. You could take a year off after uni for starters My feeling is that you shouldn't push yourself too hard to get into anything too complex or demanding, its been a lot of years not working and your confidence is low. Why not just look for something part-time and within your field of interest (don't know your degree?) You could even do voluntary work, they are crying out in every community area for volunteers, just to build your social skills for a few months before applying for other roles. Nothing too difficult or high profile, but something that gives you a chance to interact and start learning some work place skills. You could even enrol on some adult education courses to get yourself back engaging with people and the world. The voluntary work, and a couple of courses will give something solid for the CV and then you can pad out the 5 years before that.....(

I think you know this is a cross-roads for you now, and you need to and CAN move forwards and make something of your life. You are actually young still and nothing in life is ever not reversible and changeable. So, what has happened so far doesn't need to represent the future.

[MichaelF]

Hi Chris,

Can totally understand your situation here. Ending of a relationship can be quite dreadful at times. But what I seem to understand here is that more than anything else it's your inert self that is distressing you.

You really need to stop thinking as to how people might perceive you or feel inferior to anyone else.

I suggest you enjoy your life just the way you like it and not try to be someone you're not.