I don't know what to do anymore. I feel an almost brain fog. Best way I can describe it is y'know when you dream it's almost looking at life through that lens and combine that with existential crisis and crippling fear of ageing and death and you have I'm terrified of life.
Nothing shocks me anymore. I feel nothing. I was recently reading about a guy who killed himself for having child porn and it's like my brain couldn't feel empathy or disgust and was in fact more curious with what is on those sites. Let me be very clear I have no fantasies or anything like that towards kids it's just these intrusive thoughts.
There is also a guy in work who everyone thinks I have a crush on but I think I'm secretly gay even though I have never been with a woman. I could never come out. My family, while they may be supportive, I know how they talk and I can't live with them looking at me differently like they would so I'm trying to make myself like him.
I have no friends. It's like people can sense something in me that turns them off like an evilness in me or a sickness if that sounds stupid.
I've also been dealing with health problems that have been getting worse and I'm still waiting for treatment but everyday when the pain hits me I think I'm going to die so everyday from the moment I wake up it's like I'm waiting for that point in the day that I'm going to die.
I'm so tired please help? what is wrong with me? will i ever be normal?
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