Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[Carnation]

He does have a brother Pulisa, but they are not close and he has left the funeral arrangements to us.
I do appreciate the support on here from everyone, especially as I am getting zero response from Mr C. xx

[23fish]

I am so sorry to hear about Mr C's mum, Carnation - I haven't logged on since Boxing Day so did not realise what had happened. As others have said, you have given so much to her over the years, even when you were looking after your own mum and going through your own difficulties. I doubt many people would have been able to be so strong and so giving. This is a particularly difficult time of year to lose someone - it seems as though everyone else is having a wonderful time while you are dealing with the worst possible situation. My dad died on 28th December and Christmas still feels very strange even after 8 years. When I have been to other funerals since he died I always drift off and end up remembering both him and my mum, so don't worry if you have found yourself thinking about your mum, especially as it was her birthday so recently.

Mr C will be dealing with his loss in his own way, which may mean that he keeps it inside for a while. Hopefully he will feel ready to talk before too long as that will help you both. He knows you are there for him.The time before the funeral is always a bit strange, as if you're in limbo and it's sometimes easier to hide away from difficult decisions.

It is good to see your sense of humour creeping through - you did make me laugh over the mascara! I avoid mirrors at all costs because I never like what I see and am always surprised that I am much older than I think (people have on occasions had to tell me to check my hair when I arrive at work!).

Make sure you take the time to look after yourself, partly so you can continue to support Mr C, but mainly because it will help you to continue to make progress this year (and remember that it's not a straight line - there will be dips but they will always pass).

Take care, lovely Carnation. You are an incredibly strong, caring and thoughtful lady.
xxx
P.S. I'm not sure what I believe happens after someone dies, but it helps me to think of my mum and dad having a good old giggle at what their daughter gets up to. Maybe your mum and Mr C's are swapping stories!

[Carnation]

Thank you 23fish. x
Your kind words have been very comforting to me, although I have only done what I thought should be done. However, I never envisaged how hard it would be and had no insight to my future responsibilities. Yes, at one point I was looking after 3 parents. I practically had my own mini care home. Both my parents and Mr C's managed to escape those duties, so I had no hand downs of experience or guidance.
You just do what you think is right as you go and beat yourself up along the way.
And as you say, I think it is always a little more difficult when someone passes around Christmas time. I remember vividly when I was 12 years old, my granddad being carted off in an ambulance one Christmas when he stayed with us, never to return again. I watched through a crack in the doorway. My parents had no idea that I saw anything and I didn't let on that I did.
It must have been difficult for you with your dad at Christmas time too. x

So today Mr C didn't want to get out of bed, so I left him there to sleep. I took him breakfast which he only does when he is sick. He's always been a person to get up as soon as he wakes. We also had a long chat about his mum, which I was pleased about and he seemed more relaxed. Then later on in the day he started to panic about stuff and became a bit snappy. I completely understood his behaviour, because I have been that way myself in times of stress and unbalanced hormones.
I reminded him that it has only been 5 days! In a strange way, it seems much longer and we are both beginning to hate 2019 already.
I suggested that we maybe take some days out or even have a meal out.
That's if my eye improves. Still red!!!! Still anxious about it and now I find myself googling and that's something I strongly advise other people not to do. Angry with myself! My health anxiety is questioning whether It was my mascara brush and possibly a haemorrhage and the worst is yet to come. It doesn't hurt, but it looks horrendous and when I went out today a couple of people looked at me in horror and gave me the feeling that I was only steps away from death myself. I'm trying not to overthink my red eye, but my anxiety is so bad at the moment that when I walk I feel like my head is about to explode and the ground is calling me to be there. And every time I cry the salty tears stings my red eye, so I'm getting agony in all directions at the moment.
I still carry on, been to every meeting and venue with Mr C, and ignored hot flushes that swamp me within seconds making feel like my head is about to combust.
Today I waited in the Post Office queue wearing my dark sunglasses, not looking Jackie Onasis and amazingly stood completely still. Oh, anxiety is so hard to fight and most of the time your brain is telling you it is something more serious anyway.
Despite those never ending thoughts of dread, somehow we manage to get through another day.

[Carnation]

Why is it we are so convinced we are going to collapse and something terrible is about to happen?
Take today. Mr C wanted to have a walk around the town. Did I want to go? Eh, blood shot eye, bad foot, dizzy head, very little sleep..... But I didn't let on because Mr C needed to get some normality back in to his life.
So out we go and oh so dizzy, the ground felt like hard as nails and my wobbly head was telling me that I was going to collapse.
The thing is, when you are in that state, you just can't think straight. All the coping techniques seem to escape your mind. But there is one you can remember and I used that today.
"It's just uncomfortable and the feeling will pass."
It's easy to remember and it works.
And the strange thing about anxiety and it's symptoms, is they change about.
Once yiu get used to a symptom and fear it no more, anxiety will magic up another way to frighten you.
For months I could not stand on the spot, wait in a queue, stand chatting to someone. Now I can, but I can't seem to walk as freely as I did without feeling frightened.
A while back I couldn't sit still and relax. Now I can.
Anxiety is powerful and so is the mind, but you are more and the master of both as I proved today and took charge!
However, I would like to occasionally take my head of give it a good shaking and maybe hoover out all the debris.

[Carnation]

I've just read about a tip that could be really useful.
Instead of naming all the negative each day, for example, my anxiety is high, my eyes are blurry, my legs feel heavy.
Name the things that you don't have, such as, I'm not dizzy today, that pain has gone, my headache has gone and I feel more energy today.
Accentuate the positives and leave the negatives in the background.

[Carnation]

Had to go with my partner to the funeral directors this morning. Obviously, I wasn't looking forward to it and my heart was pounding before I even got there.
When there, well I have never seen such a small room as that. The desk was pushed up against one wall with one chair to the side and a row of three chairs up against the remaining wall, so you had to sit with your neck turned sideways to the left. I clocked two radiators in this midget room and straight away I asked if they were on, which they were and asked if they could be turned down or off otherwise I'd be running outside every ten minutes. Thankfully, the lady turned them off.
It was a painfully long meeting and Mr C was very confused about dates, numbers and times.
I seemed to be ok with all that, so at least I was a help to him. After about an hour in there with numerous long pauses with no one saying anything and waiting for the lady to fill out the relevant forms, I Became very restless and agitated and although I was fighting the anxiety , I could bear it no longer and made my excuse to get some air. I could feel panic building and I really didn't want an issue in there.
Once I was outside, I felt a massive relief, but have to say I was a little disappointed with myself for not sitting the panic out.
Under the circumstances, I just gave myself a break. :(

[KK77]

Once I was outside, I felt a massive relief, but have to say I was a little disappointed with myself for not sitting the panic out.
Under the circumstances, I just gave myself a break. :(

I think you did very well under such difficult circumstances, and you're obviously a great help for Mr C right now, who must still be in a mild daze.

All the best to you both.

[CarmR]

Hi Carnation..
Thanks for that tip on acentuating the positives, etc..really good one!.


Yes you must give yourself a break as it's an awful thing you are both going through even without suffering from Anxiety etc. All the best to you and Mr C...

[Carnation]

Thanks KK and CarmR, it helps me to know I have support on here. x

Today just got worse for us as the brother wanted to start clearing the house. But then he hasn't done a decade as carers or sat by someone's bedside holding their hand.
I can't help thinking it is all about kerching with some people.

[Darksky]

Cut yourself some slack Carnation. In that situation I would have done exactly the same. I can't stand being trapped. I think you did very well, I doubt I would have done an hour.

I don't know what to say about Mr.Cs brother. Haven't even had the funeral.