Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Hi Ladies, thanks for understanding, and for your support. I'm sorry that you've all had to experience this as well but I guess it's pretty common..... basically there are just some humans that suck. I have a LOT of support and backing from volunteers, staff, and some board members and I would hate to leave them because they are all incredibly grateful for the changes I've made and the way I handle things. The President has only been President for about a month - the elections were the end of last year. And he seems to be a very "real" person who I can talk honestly and openly with and wants me to give him the chance to go in and make things better. Apparently he is going to speak to the board members in a few days and lay the new ground rules on what their roles are, what mine are, and basically to stay in their lane unless I ASK for help or guidance.

Here's the biggest part of my issue which I don't know if there will ever be a solution for. There are a lot of people there and some have formed cliques or groups or teams. They will stand by each other thick and thin, maybe even bend the truth a bit to prove their side and/or attack the opposing side. As you can imagine, every one of these groups has tried very hard to befriend me, get me on their "team", and all of them proclaim to love what I'm doing and to "have my back" if I ever need them. Which of course feels wonderful, but I think I'm lousy at knowing who to trust and who not to. As you can imagine, I have the opposing teams telling me NOT to trust the other teams. I am not a very good judge of character - I trust everybody.

And here's the biggest problem: I have been a member of one of the "teams" for almost as long as I've been at the shelter - I socialize with them often and we consider ourselves friend. They've even coined us "The Fabulous Four" because we go in after hours and paint walls, clean storage rooms, make positive changes, etc. It's me and 3 female board members and they started including me while I was still a cat staff person. Here's the kicker: it's those 3 woman who are causing me all the problems! So I'm really torn as to whether they are all just emotionally damaged women who are power hungry and control freaks, I know they are all very insecure and perhaps over-compensate, and all of them are in therapy because of their messed up emotional state, hell, one of them is a social worker and the other works with autistic children. So now not only do I feel like they are my problems at the shelter, I can't exactly vent to them at night or turn to them for comfort and venting because it's THEM I am so angry at.

I think this is going to get ugly because when the President tells them they need to stop interfering, the "friendship" is going to deteriorate. Maybe that's not a bad thing, but there is one of them I do truly feel close to and would like to not lose out of my life. And even if we can manage to be friends outside of work, she's constantly going to be in the middle of me versus them.

Anyway, that's not something anyone on an anxiety thread wants to hear about - sorry. I did keep waking up last night every hour or so in a slight state of panic so I guess the anxiety is trying to leak out. I have booked two hotel nights at the casino and I am going to step away from the shelter for 2-3 days to go to my favorite getaway and I will let all of them know that I will only be checking my mail and messages twice a day at most and that they should handle everything that comes up within those 2 days unless it's something that absolutely needs my attention. I love being useful and needed, we all do, but when you feel like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, you get defeated quickly.

Thanks for listening. It's nice to know you all understand, but sad that we have to deal with this type of drama. Gee, I wonder why we're all anxious?
Sue

[glassgirlw]

That is so much “high school” level drama to have to deal with in the work place, Sue. I’m so sorry. That does make for an extremely stressful situation. It’s good that you’re getting positive support from the president, but no amount of positive support may fix the “clique” type atmosphere you’re describing amongst the employees. And that type of drama is almost more stressful, especially if you consider those individuals friends on a good day.

is sitting down and having an open conversation with them an option? I do think you’re right to escape for a few days first though!! You need to get yourself destressed and for your anxiety to have a chance to level out again before tackling it.

thinking of you and always here if you need to vent!!!

[DustingMyselfOff]

Thanks, Glassgirl..... you're exactly right - I keep referring it to high school stuff, too. I keep waiting for them to start passing notes to each other back and forth.

Yup, you nailed it - if I hadn't become "friends" with them over the past year or more, this would not be a problem. And no, I have tried talking to them frankly, honestly and openly during social time and they are all VERY sensitive, thin-skinned, and cannot handle anything that resembles negative feedback. One leaves in a huff, the other becomes "silent" for a few weeks, and the other retreats into a shell and later tells me that she has spent crying for days over the fact that she may have lost my friendship. I seem to always attract the most broken, wounded, needy females. They need constant reassurance (as we all do) and are hungry for nothing but compliments and accolades. Which is great, that's what friends do, as long as you can also express when you feel you're being treated unfairly.

As I mentioned to the Treasurer yesterday (she was President up until a month ago) I don't want to be disrespectful or rude to board members, but I need to tell them to butt out and let me do my job. Her comment was that they are the ones being disrespectful to me and that she will work with the President to put them in their place. I've also heard from the Personnel Committee that "I" am not the problem, the board is, and that this has been a long-standing problem. Well guess what, folks....time to fix it! Love me or hate me, keep me or fire me, but I'm not going to play those games. If I lose the "friendship" (which I am now questioning) so be it. I've always got you guys.

Love you.
Sue

[Carnation]

Sue, heres my view....

It's obvious to me that you have become the odd one out in this high school drama of the fabulous four. There's a bit of jealousy involved with your new status and they will probably see you as having extra special treatment from above in this cruel gameplay.
You have to adopt the thoughts to trust no one.
It's normally the people closest to you that stab you in the back. And as this situation has grown over time and I doubt whatever the newly appointed President says or does will change anything.
I would cut your strings before the situation could get potentially worse. And if in 4 weeks or 4 months time the place has a blitz, then there is always the option to go back. But I doubt that will happen or you would want to.
The days of concern over the animals has now turned into the concern of the staff.
If I come across blunt and direct then it's because I've encountered this scenario several times in my life.
A bad situation just gets worse.
One situation in a job I had got so bad that court action was threatened over a bunch of lies. And the day I left the same person laughed at me when I closed my office door on my final day and walking to my car to find it scratched all down the side. Anyway, that's a story that I won't go into too much detail as it really wasn't very pretty.
Trust no one!
There's no friends in business. Business is business!
Your passion for animals will never leave you and there's always something else you'll find along the way.
You are a heartwarming genuine person Sue, don't waste your love where it is not appreciated. xx

[DustingMyselfOff]

I appreciate blunt and honest - it's what I want from everyone, rather than the tip-toeing and behind your back stuff. I appreciate your honest and frank opinion and advice, and I WILL keep it in mind at all times, but I am not going to give up yet or let 3 people drive me out of a job that I often love. I did that once about 15 years ago - tried for 2 years to deal with a bully and finally gave up and resigned.

But boy you are spot on by perhaps one of them (the ring-leader) being threatened and jealous of my new position. She always seeks attention and recognition and wants a round of applause every time she performs some action at the shelter and has probably hated that all the changes I've made have been raved about. Well, too bad - suck it up, Buttercup, because I'm not even going to try to be friendly to you anymore and I will stand up for myself and put you in your place when needed. I have more people backing me than I do trying to see me fail so bring it on!

The sad part is one of the "Fab Four" was becoming a very good and close friend of mine in that we chatted nightly, socialized together, had gotten to know each other's family, and shared some personal stuff..... we have both benefitted from objective advice from the other. So I would like to TRY to keep her as a friend, but I will have to make it clear that that is only possible if she can accept that I am not going to "play nice" with the other one anymore. They are very tight, so that could be tough for her.... she wants everyone to get along. I don't want her to choose sides so I'm going to lay it out there when we talk about this and tell her how I feel about the "Ringleader" (which I have done before and she's always made excuses for her). I'm waiting to see how hard the President comes down on the board about staying out of my business before I have that talk with her.

Yesterday I had a great day at the shelter with my new attitude and hope it will be the prevalent one. Yes, they will get to me at times,but as long as those times are far and few between, I can take it. I am NOT giving up because some insecure, control-freak and power-hungry female is threatened by me. Thank you for your support - I love you guys.
Sue

[Carnation]

Sue, I take my hat off to you
I was worried that the situation had driven you into the ground but I can hear you are from it.
You truly are a warrior and let's face it, this troublesome person can be nothing compared to dealing with anxiety. Remember that!
Give us an update from time to time and if you need to rant, we are here. xx ❤️

[DustingMyselfOff]

Hah - good point: if I can handle decades of panic attacks and anxiety, I can take on an insecure unhappy female. Yes, this is my favorite place to vent because regardless of what the problem is, someone here can relate and sympathize, and almost always offer words of advice and wonderful suggestions. Hope you're doing OK?
Sue

[Carnation]

Me? Well apart from the normal anxieties, I have this dull aching, uncomfortable feeling in my left hand side groin area which my brain wants to keep telling me to pay attention too and I'm trying not to think it's something really serious.
It comes and goes and accompanies a fair amount of wind and whinging from me all day. But I'm like that most days. A week of it so far and still no let up and my bloated tummy and extra weight there hasn't helped the situation. It's affecting my sleep as I can't sleep on my left-hand side and I prefer that side as it relieves my acid reflux. Hey ho, more things to put up with whilst facing a 3 month lock down. I bet you wish you hadn't asked Sue.

As far as anxiety and all its frills in its abundance....
I'm still applying the 'be comfortable with feeling uncomfortable'. And I'm taking several moments in the day to stop and be in the present moment, better known as Mindfulness. Changing the mindset of my overthinking is taking a lot of work and time and when I'm tired or have a physical issue like what I have at the moment it tends to throw everything out of the window in the matter of seconds.

[DustingMyselfOff]

I get the health anxiety, and during lockdown even if we were justified in seeing a doctor, we really need to second-guess that because of the pandemic. I am well overdue for some medical tests but am avoiding any medical centers unless it's an emergency. And I haven't seen my dentist in a very long time. (So there IS a benefit to this pandemic? LOL)

I've never quite gotten the concept of mindfulness because in my opinion, aren't all of us that deal with anxiety always in the moment and aware of every little thing that's going on inside of us and outside of us? I think mindfulness applies to those who are so busy with business dealings that they forget to stop and smell the roses, but we smell, hear, taste, feel and are aware of every little thing. (shrug).

I started clean eating again on January 4 and have to say I feel so much better physically and mentally now that the carbs and sugar have been greatly decreased. The bloat is gone and the energy is consistent and high. And I'm not wanting to vomit when I pass by a mirror anymore, the puffy face has gone down significantly.

We are what we eat - so I guess I'll have another protein/kale/avocado/banana smoothie for lunch.
Sue

[Carnation]

Well I spent most of the day in bed today hoping it would ease my problem. Its a bit better and I've been careful what I've eaten today. Porridge for breakfast, chicken sandwich for lunch, a handful of grapes and then some rhubarb and custard. For dinner I'm having pork with a little mash potato, green beans and kale.
I've been moody all day today, I can't bear being ill, it sets off my anxiety when I've worked so hard to curb it.

Sue, Mindfulness isn't just about the senses.
It has no affect if you are smelling a rose but thinking about a conversation you had at work that morning.
It's about fully being in the moment. Complete focus on the presence, emptying your head of all thoughts. It's very hard to do, but you can do it.
Once mastered, you feel the benefit because are tired brains are exhausted and need a rest.
Guided meditation helps with this too.