Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[Carnation]

Darksky, I'm imagining all sorts being delivered to your home from cushions to candles and more.
I also don't like the tv on morning, day and night and I'm having to put up with a lot of sport which is noisy and distracting, accompanied by cries of, "you beep idiot, how did you beep that" and then sulking for the rest of the day.
I actually feel more like his mother at times and take myself off to the garden to come back in with another bite or sting. :(

It's a very familiar story of the woes of retirement and worrying signs of my mum's words when I really didn't understand what she meant.
"your father is every where, I can't get anything done" and "why won't he go out, he's always here", she would moan everyday! And dad never said anything like that back, quite the opposite. "did your mum say where she was going and how long she'd be?" It was more than my life was worth to tell him and she'd always get a ticking off on her return.
Adapt yes, but don't become a house slave.

[Carnation]

I braved having a meal out last night.
It was on the spur of the moment, outside and by the sea.
Expecting there to be hoards of people there as such a mild evening, there wasn't. when we first arrived we were the only ones and I wasn't sure whether that was going to make me feel worse or better. But at least I had no one scrutinising my anxiety behaviour.
I did also wonder if the restaurant was any good seeing as there was no one there.
It turned out to be a weird set up of a restaurant in the way of basically waiting yourself even though there was an automatic service charge.
This also affected me having to walk to and from our table to the restaurant counter many times, which is not something I anticipated. There were so many trips that they were shared between myself and Mr C. and I really wasn't banking on moving at all once sat down.
The first trip was to get the menus and as I did, was told to return to put my order in. Then was asked for the table number so had to go back and get that. Had to pay up front which I thought was a bit weird as we might have wanted more drinks and a dessert, but thought it must be because we were outside. Why that has anything to do with it, I don't know, you can still do a runner from inside and I find that a bit insulting.
But hey ho, if that's the rule, that's the rule, now thinking that maybe that's why no one is here, either waiting to be served or being insulted to pay up as you may be dodgy.
Not a good start, but there I was making the effort and resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't cooking and having a night off.
Drinks arrived first with a set of two knives and forks. I had a very rare glass of wine, a bit risky with anxiety, but in for a penny, in for a pound. The food wasn't too long, but straight away I realised it was one of those already prepared meals you pop in the microwave/oven, which being a cook aggravates me beyond belief.
But I was there to enjoy the ambience of the sea and fresh air and conquer my anxiety fears.
Another trip was no salt and pepper, so Mr C took that trip.
The food was ok but tasteless, but enjoyed the wine.
And I knew Mr C would want a dessert because the portions are always half the size of what we have at home and I think it's done purposely so you do have a dessert. so that meant another trip away from the table to get the dessert menus and another one to order and pay for that order.
The desserts seem to come from the same source as our dinner, but that was to be expected and still no one else dining but us, just a couple having a cup of something two tables down.
Finished the desserts and decided to have a cuppa ourselves and yet again trot to the restaurant to order them. That's 6 trips back and forth serving ourselves not including a trip to the loo.
But the main thing is beating anxiety and participating in something normal, but now thinking if that's normal, I'd much rather be at home eating food that is fresher, cheaper and not having to do so much walking around in the process, hence why it was empty.

[Darksky]

Well if that isn't the weirdest restaurant ever...no wonder they were empty. Although I would have coped better in it than your average eatery. Moving about a lot, distractions etc. But well done for doing it. You are certainly pushing yourself at the moment and succeeding too.

next week we have the estate agent coming round for the valuation. Could be amusing Mr. D is coming up with some sort of bizarre figures. Ever the optimist.

cant really get into the mood at the moment. My sister is having an urgent endoscopy. She has esophagitis and reflux meds aren't working. The doctor has told her what they are looking for :( This is seriously ramping up my anxiety, it's on my mind on going into a fitful sleep and there as soon as I wake. My mother has plunged into depression, asking why it's not her instead. Not helping at all, while me and my sister are trying to stay positive. I am trying to keep her upbeat but inside I have the deepest dread. It's giving me a real pain in the centre of my chest. It's a good job don't have HA or I'd be in a&e demanding my heart was checked.

theres just always something, we can't be left in peace for 5 minutes

[DustingMyselfOff]

Yes, unique restaurant experience indeed. We have several buffet restaurants here and I actually like them since I can go up and get as much of the things I like and leave the things I don't like. But your experience sounds different, you actually had to choose items, instead of being able to try a little of everything. And even in a buffet, waitstaff comes around to bring beverages, clear your plates, ask if you need anything, and deliver the check to you.

Like Darsky, I would have done better in your situation than I do in sit-down, formal restaurants. Having to sit there obediently waiting for all the different stages of the process makes me fidgety and I'm in a rush to get up and get out. But having to keep getting up to get things would definitely help with the anxiety and distraction, although it sounded like the food was not something I'd ever go back for. BUT YOU DID IT!

Yes, Darsky, always something. My husband was supposed to have minor surgery on his arm (carpal tunnel) tomorrow and when he went for the pre-op exam yesterday they didn't like his EKG. So surgery is cancelled, and now begins the journey of cardiologist consults and appointments and tests. I'm not TOO nervous about it, yet, because if it were serious his next appointment wouldn't be two weeks away, but it certainly threw a wrench into the works and will probably cause my husband to cancel his mini-vacation to visit his brother (which I was really looking forward to!)

As long as we keep rising to the challenges, we are still warriors.
Sue

[Carnation]

Maybe that is why I got through it. The constant fidgeting and distraction. I'm not a fan of stiff restaurants anyway and it certainly wasn't that.
Darksky, you are finally taking the plunge into a move. remember you are in control, don't be bullied by an estate agent and you have the right to change your mind. Although a long way off, try to aim for a Spring move because of the extra daylight. I spent a while being an estate agent in London so if I can be of any help, I'm here. But you're basically looking at being offered ten percent off of the initial asking price unless you have a bargain on offer or in an area which is greatly sought after. I'm sure you'll keep us posted.
Sorry to hear about your sister and your mum too.
Situations like that do seem to affect us because we tend to feel their pain too and question our own health.
It's just as important to keep normality going in all your lives in between the more delicate times. x

Yes Sue, I DID IT! I wasn't sure if I could and when I have ventured into eating out I've been incredibly shaky, fidgety and wanted it over in a hurry. But we spent about an hour and 40 minutes there and I have to say that having the sea as a view most definitely helped. I'm lucky to have that nearby and made it my goal to live near the sea. Although it's pretty horrific during a thunderstorm. :(

I'm sorry too about your husband having to go through investigations and throwing life into disarray.
When this happens it puts all plans and organisation into a whirlwind and we need our routines to stay the same to deal with stuff like that. It's times like this that meditation becomes affective and probably necessary to do daily.
I like the 'Warriors' title Sue, although I have often visualised us as girls from 'Sex and the City' twenty years on.

Yesterday I felt agitated that our front garden was not looking shall we say pretty? All our neighbours have been out with bedding plants, weeding, cutting grass and standing admiring their hard work.
I have been avoiding it because of my ability to get attacked by flying monsters. But I've got it sussed now. Leave the shrubs alone, that's their home for the next 4 months. So off we went to the garden centre and got an array of plants which included geraniums, begonias, marigolds, fushias, something that looks like miniature sunflowers and lots of others with unpronounceable names. Mr C cut the grass and I got to work planting and watering them in.
I felt a lot of pressure because the lady across the road runs some sort of garden club and mine was resembling more of a roadside you'd find in Spain on an August holiday. and even though our trolley on wheels was full, we still didn't seem to have enough, so another trip is on the cards. But I enjoy that and this time in the garden I didn't get attacked, it was almost like the bush residents wanted me to plant them.
The weather had dropped ten degrees again and making the most of getting jobs done before the heatwave expected at the weekend. We've done our food shop early so we don't have that threat of food going on the turn before we get home.
It feels like we've been in this place for ages and it's only been 3 weeks. I take that as a good sign. Although I'm very fearful of the landlord being critical or unpredictable, it suits us for this phase in our lives. I just don't like the thought of the possibility of giving us notice for whatever reason. And with rentals, you only have a month! and that's hard enough for anyone let alone if you suffer with anxiety.
Mr C seems more than content in our new place and a happy man is less agro for the woman.
My sleeping is still restless and my dreams have been eventful, but I'm not tired, just listless. I still think I'm uneasy about just relaxing and enjoying what I have for fear of it being taken away from me. It's like I'm on alert and very aware that it may not last.
So many times my happiness has been crushed in my life, it's like I'm playing my life with a dice.

[Darksky]

Yes, I've said we will add extra to the price so we can drop to the price we actually want.


I get what you're feeling. Happy but expecting it not to last and the rug to be pulled from under you. That's typical of this condition. It's like we dare not allow ourselves to be happy, always expect the worst then it won't come as a surprise when it happens. But in life there are good times as well as the bad. Even in our negative thinking existence. I think you personally find good times in gardening, which is brilliant. I love going to garden centres, buying plants and coming back and digging them in. You have thrown a six at this time in your life so kick back and enjoy it. No one can see the future and it's a damn good job we can't, so if you have happiness at this moment, grab it and hold it tight.

i just hope I'm not dragged back into all the awful things of last year. At the minute it's like I've started a re run of it all. Last year she had a pancreatic cancer scare now it's her esophagus. In less than 12 months. It's the sort of thing I read on the ha boards, it's so unlikely. But it's happening. Yes, she does suffer from HA but it's not coming from her, it's the doctors that are on alert.

Do you know how long they keep you in hospital if you elect to have sedation with the endoscopy? She can't make her mind up whether to have it or not.

Got to go to Tesco now to get some wasp nest killer foam. We have one in our shed. Could be fun later dodging the angry little beggars.

[Carnation]

Unfortunately I don't know Darksky, but I would imagine you are in and out on the same day.
I had a miscarriage and was put under sedation then and the whole procedure was done in half a day.
There's mixed review whether to be sedated or not during an endoscopy, but they'll be plenty of advice about it on NMP. x

[DustingMyselfOff]

Thanks for the reminder to meditate. I'm not seeing any life-changing positive results from it yet, but I understand it could take several weeks or months to really see benefits, and that's after you've actually learned how to do it in the way that works best for you. Then again, who's to say it's not already helping me? Since I've been trying to do it at least once a day for a few minutes there's no way of knowing what I'd be feeling or experiencing if I wasn't trying to meditate.

So many doctors visits and tests for my husband now that they are delaying his surgeries due to concerns with his heart. It seems so odd to have our world totally consumed with all these appointments (and bills) concerning HIS health when the past few decades it's always been about solving MY health issues. I've been preaching to him for years about taking better care of himself and I think I'm entitled to at least one huge "I told you so" but I haven't used it, yet.

Of course when I hear of all these additional tests and appointments one of my thoughts is "Oh, great, yet another day that he will choose to work from home!" but I really need to get control of that or find a way to work with it because it seems it's going to be my new reality. I still feel like I've been cheated or robbed of the "6 months of me time" that I had planned for when I retire, but when I look at some of the situations that other people live with, I realize I'm being a spoiled brat for feeling that way.

I remember even as a young child having the thought that "If ONLY this one problem would disappear, my life would be perfect!" and as soon as it would disappear, I would find another. So yes, I think we are always living with the threat and fear that we can never truly be 100% content - apparently us anxiety sufferers NEED to have some issue or problem to focus on? If hubby were to go off to the office every day, would I then need something else to blame for my not being truly elated with my life? As long as I have a challenge or hurdle to deal with, I seem to have a point of focus and goal to work towards. The thought of NOT having one actually causes a sense of panic.

Perhaps it's different in the states, but I have been put under anesthesia and released from the hospital the same day, so I don't think they would keep her overnight?
Sue

[Carnation]

I think when you have a partner / family, your life is never entirely your own. But I also think it's just as important to have your own time otherwise you become resentful.
Although people on their own would probably argue that we were lucky to have the company and I agree with that.
Sue you mention that it's normally yourself dealing with the health issues, have you heard of the saying, 'A creaking door that goes on and on' may have got the words slightly wring, but it's very true of life. And it's probably because you've been paying attention to all the signs your body sends out, where your hubby has kept quiet about or ignored his.

I had a slightly better night's sleep last night and woke up at my old time and didn't oversleep.
But yesterday I felt incredibly tired, so didn't push myself too much. That leaves me with fighting my mind as my brain wants to do so much and my body wants to slump on the sofa. So this is when I do my mental stuff like paperwork, lusts, phone calls or what I call 'jobs on my lap'.
I've learnt with anxiety that you can't plan too much and considering 5 years ago I was practically bedridden, I'm grateful just to be able to do basic house chores and day-to-day life routines. Anything else is a bonus.
At my worst times I would take to meditation everyday in its heaviest mode with lying down for at least an hour, but I can now meditate for as little as five minutes as and when I need to by just sitting or standing where ever I might be. You don't have to be in the full throws of closing your eyes and lying down like a corpse with instrumental music and a softly spoken voice telling you to let yourself feel the breath rising from your chest. It's just as effective to take a few minutes to sit and listen to the sound of the birds while drinking a cup of herbal tea and feeling the gentle breeze on your face on a sunny day or standing and stretching your arms as you look up at the sky and letting a big sigh out as you smile and feel the nature around you.
It's all about taking a moment in your busy schedule and feeling good about life itself.

Since moving and starting a new chapter, I've seen a glimpse of the old me pre anxiety. You can tell by the eyes as the eyes give so much away. Eyes can reveal pain, sadness, grief, depression, tiredness, happiness, wellness, calm, excitement.
I remember one of my mum's sayings, 'you can always tell if someone is ok by their eyes'. It sort of stuck with me and probably like you are about to do, I check to see if my eyes look healthy, although mine don't look their best first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
But it's more than that, it's almost what lies beneath. I can always sense someone's sadness, pain, fear and I can see that in my own which is exactly why I try to avoid mirror contact or someone's eye contact as little as possible.
But when you've had a good day or feeling a little better in yourself, have a look at your eyes and smile when you see a glimpse of sparkle, because it's that sparkle that keeps you going.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Yes, I'm fortunate to have a partner that would like to be glued to my hip every moment of the day, but there is such a thing as too much togetherness, too. And since we have such different styles of communicating and since our brains seem to process things SO differently, conversations between us are often challenging and lead one of us to be frustrated or angry more often than not. In small doses it works just fine, but to be together 24/7, we end up snapping at each other and I just need some space! I actually started looking at part time jobs last night because if he's going to continue to stay home all the time, then maybe it's going to have to be me to leave. Rather than being resentful towards him about "ruining" what I had foreseen as my retirement, I guess it's time to change what my retirement looks like.

About the health issues, I usually tried to keep mine to myself because I like to give everyone the appearance that I'm fine, and when I would try to suggest to him that he needed to improve some things about his lifestyle because his health would suffer, he would get very defensive and angry. Now that his body is breaking down, it's all we talk about: men are definitely not silent sufferers.

Speaking of sleep, mine is totally messed up. I have never experienced insomnia in my life (except for a few rare occasions) but lately I can NOT fall asleep regardless of how fatigued my body is. So I lie awake till the wee hours of the morning, and then my body gives in and wants to sleep till noon. So of course the next evening, I can't sleep. Should I go to bed earlier? Probably, but the few hours after hubby goes to sleep are the only hours I have to myself! Yet another problem I shouldn't be complaining about, but it's what's most troubling right now. If that's the case, I am a lucky lady.

I tend to look at the physical appearance of my eyes (the bags, the circles, the puffiness) but will try to take notice of the sparkle in my eyes on good days, and the absence of it on not-so-good days. And yes, my hypnotherapist told me that meditation can be done in 5 minute increments, too, it doesn't always have to be a full ritual.
Sue