Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[Carnation]

My intent nursing my tooth/gum infection seems to have paid off. But my sleep is still erratic and last night I lay awake until 4am! I really couldn't count the number of times I turned my pillow over and at one point thumped it with frustration and rage. It was a sticky night, but it was my mind keeping me awake.
I went through all my calming and sleep induced tactics, but the one that worked in the end was thinking random words. For example.... Banana, shoe, bacon, mouse, fireman, sausage, balloon, fire, sellotape, hippo. After about fifty or so, I think I fell asleep on Giraffe
It is important that none of the words link together like salt and pepper or strawberries and cream. The words need to be totally random, so the brain relaxes and does not have to work at making any sense.
I wish I had started with this method and not all the others I tried beforehand. It's just certain methods work for different situations.
O/H had unfortunately given me some stuff to worry about just before going to bed, plus the other grief I seem to be carrying around in my head.
I have noticed that I have been talking to myself a lot lately. It's not a completely new thing for me, but I do find it helps in a strange sort of way.
And I need to do more of this in the way of praise. Which is sort of what I do when I get back safely to home after tackling the day's stresses.
So I say things like, "You did it. Well Done".
Or, "That wasn't as horrific as you imagined". "I am so pleased I forced myself to go out, otherwise it would have been another day stuck indoors".
I even praise myself cooking now. It may sound silly to some, but there was a time when I thought I may be living on jacket potatoes for the rest of my life!
We shouldn't be so hard on ourselves. We have to face a lot of difficulties in our lives. So a "Well Done", should be a common thought.

[Carnation]

I spoke to soon. Teeth and gums still not healed.
Thought it healed pretty quickly.
I've also had pain in the chest area and I have to keep telling myself it is trapped wind and nothing more. I always remember my dad telling me how painful trapped wind can be and you can get it almost anywhere and for days!! I need to keep that thought in my head.
I treated myself to a lovely soothing foot soak last night and painted my nails all pretty. I feel I have a new pair of feet. It's something I should do more often because the results outweigh the time spent.
I feel I have arrived at that age where I talk about my ailments throughout the day. It is not uncommon for me to refer to my bunion when walking and more embarrassingly when trying on a pair of shoes to say to the assistant, "Are they suitable for someone with a bunion?" Oh my! Is this what I have become? If it's not that, it's stuff like.... My pain in my chest, head hurting, wobbly legs, eyes not working today, streaming eyes, runny nose, throat feels inflamed, numb arms and would you believe I had a good half an hours conversation with someone today about belching!
Rewind 20 years and I would have rolled my eyes if I overheard a conversation of that nature.
A good day now is nothing wrong with me and then I just chat about the weather.
I really need to find some interests before I bore myself and everyone around me.
Apart from the hypochondriac chatter, I find myself overdosing on TV. I have great intentions of other past-times, but no, lazy bones flops herself down to watch hours of TV every day. My excuse is losing myself in fantasy, when I should be doing all those things I keep telling you all about.
The pilates was short-lived as was the exercise regime. Even my reading is on the slithery side. No, I have become a couch potato.
So, I need to stop moaning about my body aching, hurting and cut down on the box and maybe I will feel more energised and interesting.

[Carnation]

I kept my word. I kicked my backside off the sofa, which is hard to do in more ways than one. I am changing my routine and doing more varied things. I got out earlier the last couple of days and had more time to do other things. My standing still has improved without doing anything to cure it apart from persevering with standing and suffering to the point of not suffering, if you know what I mean.
I have come to the conclusion that anxiety is like a Carousel and I am one of the ponies that goes round and round and up and down with a beat and chatter in my ears and at times a heavy load on my back. The controller, 'anxiety' lets me stop from time to time and there is a silence that can be mine to do with how I wish. But this pony wants to escape the roundabout chaos and run to be free!
You know those head zaps/jolts that scare the hell out of you, we'll I had a few that almost came, but as soon as I felt it, I said to myself, 'No! I'm not having it. I am OK and anxiety just wants to put me in a state of fear'.
I carried on with what I was doing and pushed it away with my mind. Made it sound easy? No, it's hard, but if you keep trying it's like most things in life, eventually you get it. Without failures, there's no wins. And you do win sometimes.

[Carnation]

I had the worst nights sleep ever.
What with the storm with the wind raging and my cat going crazy because of it. I eventually dropped off at 5.30am to be woken up again at 5.30am by my cat jumping all over me. He seemed really spooked, so I had to get up and check everything was OK in the house and garden, so it was about 6.30 by the time I got to sleep again. The trouble with a night like that is the anxiety thrives in poor or little sleep and I find myself in a that slight state that I was trying to avoid.
My sleep is not great at the best of times, but I do find that if I go to bed after midnight it is worse. It's almost as if I have become overtired making it almost impossible to get a good night's sleep.
My stomach is also being very orchestral today. Another worry. It's groaning like it's hungry, but I've been feeding it all day. O/H tells me not to worry, but hey, you know what its like.
I always try to find some positives, even in a negative day. And as I think I am going to die everyday, not dying is the ultimate positive for me.
Being on high alert is so exhausting and unless I fill it with loads of chores and things to occupy my mind, I over obsess almost every situation.
I need to chill the mind and not think everything is a danger zone.
Take the bath. I'm scared to take a bath incase I fall or pass out or slip getting out.
I have a my safety ritual of having my mobile nearby, I pad the edges with towels and the radio on to distract me from my thoughts. I let the water out before I get out and there is always a big sigh of relief when my feet touch the ground. Such an ordeal, but no bug deal for someone who doesn't have anxiety.
It's all about safety and surviving all day long.
The statistics actually say that people with anxiety actually live longer because they are careful. You have to take that one as a positive.

[Carnation]

What a difference a good night's sleep makes.
Feel much better, more energy and less anxiety.
It confirms to me that sleep plays a major part in my anxiety state and as I seem to have a mostly permanent sleep problem, it could explain my state of mind most days.
I managed to get out today and visited various shops and had many conversations with people along the way.. I have noticed that I am able to give more eye contact than what I normally would do. A normal situation for me would be head bowed down and glancing up for a few seconds or fixing my focus on something around me rather than direct eye contact.
I also try to smile more, even if I don't feel it inside.
If I can portray that, it might help my overall aura.
I'm also trying to fool my brain that I am having a good time.
It was much colder today, but I can cope with that better.
I don't have to worry so much about hydration, sweating or exposure to the sun.
I had a bit of a meltdown this evening when I attempted to make something for dinner I hadn't made before and it went wrong. I had to blame someone or something and it happened to be my O/H and started complaining that I was sick of cooking all the time, which I am, but I soon calmed down and cooked up something else.
The kitchen can turn out to be a war zone sometimes and repetitive day in day out and when you try to make the effort to try something different and it fails, it results in tears and tantrums.
I've got a few new things lined up next week as the weather looks better. And I am going to have another go at the driving again now my hand is much better.
I see it this way.... If I am living, then I owe to myself to start living.

[Aquilega]

Morning @Carnation my friend,Friday and Saturday both good almost back to the normal me,went out both days,just brilliant,most symptoms disappeared,last night one of the worst nights ,there's no logic to it is there,I have had,not sure if I actually had several adrenaline surges(Tummy) or I was dreaming them,up and down all night,stomach upside down now,light headediness back,isn't it marvelous when you have had a couple of good days when it returns it seems that it is worse than ever,but we both know that in reality its not,its just the same,but hey ho on we go,enjoy your day my friend

ps,when the symptoms all went on Friday,they just went on their own accord it was nothing that I done.

[Carnation]

Today was a strange one.
Full of energy when I woke up and because of that, got stuck in to various jobs around the house.
After about 3 hours, I started to feel panicky for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
I was obsessing about my sugar levels being too low, being cold, having a temperature, looking pale, feeling weak, feeling lightheaded, did I need air?
Normally when I feel like this I carry on and push through and the fact that I can carry on reassures me I am OK.
This time I just couldn't snap out of it and was adamant something bad was going to happen to me.
In the end I resulted to my 'Tapping'. I didn't go through the shenanigans of the whole procedure, but just tapped the area on the forehead in the centre between the eyebrows where they meet. It's hard to chant stuff when you feel panicky because you just can't think straight, so it was a bit of repetitive chanting for me. I said things like, 'I am OK, nothing bad is going to happen' and 'The feeling will pass and I will be ok'.
You can basically say what you like, but it must be reassuring and positive.
It seemed to work and the spot where you tap is the same place I apply pressure when I have a headache that won't go away.
I often wonder what the inside of my head looks like, as it feels messy.
So there you have it. And for the reason in particular I get panicky. I was busy, I was at home, nothing worrying me and not in stressful situation.
I actually find I cope when a tricky situation arises better than going about my daily routine.
Just like you said Aquilega, the symptoms just go of their own accord. Just like they appear of their own accord. It's not the conscious mind, it's the unconscious mind. Memories, triggers, worries.....
Take a dream or even nightmare when you are sleeping. It feels so real like it's actually happening. You may even speak or move, even feel exhausted, overheat or feel cold. That's why the symptoms are real and physical. But it's not how you are in reality. Those feelings don't stay permanent, they leave when your conscious mind takes control again. If only it was as easy as it sounds.
We can learn, adapt and find ways to cope and even cure. And that's what you have to hang on to. Positive thoughts.

[Carnation]

It's that time of year again where everyone around me seems to be full of cold and virus.
My hand washing has tripled and I've upped my honey intake.
Why don't these people stay at home when they are ill? I even saw a member of staff in the care home today who was full of something which seemed like a horrible virus.
Getting back to my day. I overslept again, but once up got myself out and about for another 7 hours. Had myself some pumped up walking up a hill which left me quite breathless, but didn't worry me when remembering doctors constant preaching brisk walking is good for keeping bp down. (Seems a bit double Dutch to me).
Finished up with fish and chips, which was the best part. Especially as it means no cooking and no washing up.
Had a stabbing pain in the top of my thigh today which worries me, but it doesn't. When you experience so many twitches, spasms and curious pains over years, you just sort of take it as a daily expectant.
No doubt I'll have another pain somewhere else tomorrow and another one the following day.
I really want to do some more swatting with books on the mind and body. I feel if you can understand the workings of our inner selves, it would help to understand why we feel the way we do.
That was the most frustrating thing for me when I was told I had anxiety by my GP, but it wasn't explained to me how it would affect my body and my thoughts.
It's scary and you feel like you are losing control. You feel alone, a little embarrassed and at times, feel like your life has finished. It certainly will never be the same and in a strange sort of way that may be better, because your life may have been a spiralling out of control. You may have been screaming inside or just not enjoying life the way it was.
So you have to take the bad and turn it in to good.
Maybe that is what anxiety is all about?
I know when I had my breakdown I was fully aware of my mortality and I think that became aware to me even before that moment.
It makes sense to me because of those thoughts to be extra careful, but not so nervous that you can't make yourself a cup of tea. It's fear gone too far.
If I can learn to curb the fear, then I am winning against anxiety.

[Carnation]

Today started really bad, but I surprisingly turned it around.
I woke up with a bad taste and soon realised that my tooth /gum infection was still very apparent. So much that I was bleeding. So, rinsed out my mouth staying very calm, told my o/H, who didn't seem worried, which made me worse and then spent the next hour with a torch in my mouth looking in the mirror for evidence of disease and abnormalities. You know how it is.
I then began obsessing about my tongue, my throat and even my brain.
After giving myself a good investigation, I realised that the only way I was going to get a proper diagnosis was by seeing a dentist. (Another scary face )
So I have an appointment on Thursday, which I'm obviously not looking forward to, but needs must.
I had two choices today...
Stay in and over think and obsess about my infection and probably spend many hours in front of a mirror, torch in hand probing and disturbing an already delicate area.
Or go out, keep busy and mind occupied by going into town.
So, I went out, decided I would drive, partner at my side and to my delight was very able and flying around the streets of town parking here and parking there.
All the time I was out I hardly thought about my infection. I knew it was there, but I think because I was getting on with stuff, it didn't come to the forefront.
I made the right choice and I am going to do exactly the same until my appointment.
I met a dog today who was totally blind.
Immediately I had a rapport with the dog and stroked her and watched her bumping in to things as she got excited. It made me think that if a dog who is blind and dependant on humans to care for her, then we can be stronger and braver with our anxieties. And it was this little dog who was the decider for me driving today.
Maybe that's not a bad idea to think of something like that when you are scared of doing something.
That little dog could just lie there for the rest of it's life, but she has decided to do her best and be as good as any other dog. I will think about that sweet dog all night. Her spirit and strength was very inspiring for me.

[Carnation]

Had the most strangest day today.
Firstly, I had a brilliant night's sleep and no bleeding this morning. Obviously delighted about that. I wonder if it was down to propping my pillows up and sleeping in an almost upright position. I didn't even go for my normal loo visit at 4am.
But I seem to have my burning tongue back again.
Just a bit of background on that. I had this last year and went on for several months. Magic, if you are looking in, you will remember discussing this strange symptom, because if I remember rightly, you had it too.
Well, it's back and I was only reading something about it yesterday that it can arise through depression. Maybe a possibility, but difficult to tell as depression is not something you always blatantly see. It's an inner emotion most of the time and not a case of going around saying, "I'm depressed, I'm depressed."
Back to my eventful day.
Went to a local village to a vintage/antique shop. Saw a fab leather jacket, tried it on and got the zipper stuck. So there I was at the counter with a member of staff pulling and tugging until eventually it came free. Trying my best not to have a panic attack, a hot flush or collapse on the floor in a heap. The jacket turned out to be too small anyway.
Then on the way back home we stopped off at a garden centre, (I know, a bit late in the year), but it didn't matter any way, because partner accidentally locked me in the car! He thought I was following behind him but I was fumbling about with my bag and he zapped his car key and I couldn't get out.
Panic set in and I called him from my mobile as I watched him walk away from me and prayed I had a signal. It was only a few minutes before he realised I wasn't with him and came back to the car, but by that time I was crying. More from relief. If he had wandered off and not come back, I would have been locked in a car in 22c heat with all windows closed and hate to think of the consequences.
He had no idea that you can't get out of a car if locked by the key from the outside. It completely locks tight and to prove it to him, I made him sit in the car to demonstrate. Make a note of that in your book of survival tips.
If that wasn't enough for an eventful day, we drove past a car crash on the way home to see a car wrapped around a tree. (that's a figure of speech), but the car had smashed in to a tree. And my immediate thought was if we hadn't had the delay with the car locking incident, we could have easily have been involved in that crash.
Weird how a delay can save your life. Even if the delay is not a pleasant one.
So, I'm pretty much exhausted and feeling quite delicate.
Here's hoping tomorrow is a little kinder to me, especially as I have my dentist appointment tomorrow. (Have I used too many scary faces?)
Let's hope there are none tomorrow, but smiley faces instead.