Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[Carnation]

I've become very lazy with posting lately and the reason for that is because I've been feeling so empty.
Even at home. The normal day to day chit chat has been absent, like I need to wallow in my own silence as if I've been sent to a monastery of some sort.
A lot of it I know is due to the lockdown, but I do find January the hardest month to get through. With its short days, extremely cold weather and the glitz of the Christmas lights absent. There's probably a lack of vitamin D in us all by now and the need for sun on our faces is a welcoming thought.
So I use this time for reading and overdosing on the TV.
And while I work my way through episodes of a series on Netflix, eating more food I can't burn off, I can't help but think about the future and how it is going to pan out. Which puts a stake in all the work I do about living in the present moment. However, a thought about the future IS done in the present moment, so I suppose if you look it like that it is ok.
My watch stopped the other day and it didn't bother me until I realised I couldn't go and get a battery for it being lockdown. Luckily I managed to find an old automatic watch which is about 4 times too big for my wrist, but it's stuff like this that makes you realise what a strange world we are living in today.
And as I ponder my thoughts throughout the day, I've realised that it's not so much the anxiety symptom and feelings feeding my fear, but the thought of becoming ill and having to see a doctor or go into hospital with the way things are. So anytime I get a pain or feel a bit under the weather, it sets off my anxiety.
Saying that, I'm training myself not to react and carry on, feel the intrusion and go raid one of the many chocolate boxes I stashed over the Christmas.
It's been very quiet, no one to see when I look out of the window, the cars or vehicles passing by, no movement of people but an eerie silence resembling an armageddon.
And although I have jobs to do around the place, the point is... Where do I take my clear out stuff to as everything is closed. Even the Post Office is only open a few hours a day and creating a human chain in its short opening times. I expect everyone's corner shop has become their go to place for a little social interaction between plastic screens and mumbled speech. Smiling is seen no more which used to perk up our loneliness, so I suggest we use winking as the new, I acknowledge you and notice your human form. No one has to create robots anymore, we have become them ourselves. Going through the motions each day as per the government guidelines and of course we lose our sparkle, our get up and go feeling, our ambitions, plans, goals.
And society around us has neglected to change with the circumstances. Take a magazine in December advertising party clothes and dressage for a Christmas table. Comfy PJS and a tray on your lap is more akin for our real lives at the moment. Why do we even need shoes, we are stuck indoors. We don't even have any cookery programmes on the tv helping people to cook when they've been so reliant upon takeaways and eating out.
Companies and Businesses need to take a hard look at their products, because we've had a massive change to our lives and it's not been adjusted to suit.
Just the other day I saw an advert for a Mediterranean cruise. What's the point?
Ok, I know I've got a bit political in my posting today and can't believe how I've gone on. That's what happens when you are silent too long, it all comes spurting out in its masses.
Truthfully, I'm doing ok. We are survivors, otherwise we wouldn't be on this forum in the first place.
Do what you can to get through this and catch any sun rays if you can.

[medesis]

Hi Carnation et al,
Having a horrible time. Just recently, whenever I’ve done something strenuous while bent over, for example repairing our septic tank, some people get all the great jobs��, my head started to feel like it was going to explode, terrible feelings of unreality, blurred vision, and felt like walking on a mattress. Also waking up with pulsatile tinnitus and tingling hands and lips. So took my blood pressure and it was through the roof first thing in the morning and still stage 2 HT in the evening. Doc put me on 10mg Lercanipidine and suddenly got a new lease of life. I felt fantastic!! Then this morning despite taking the Lercanipidine the whole thing was back again������. What is more although the morning HT is sky high again the daytime readings have gone down to 140/85 ish which is very good for me! So I’ve got all the symptoms still and the blood pressure is down. Now terrified it’s not just blood pressure ����. My head just won’t entertain the notion that this could be anxiety, bizarrely even though I’m writing this post.
Does anyone else suffer from pressurised head, blurred vision and unreality after bending over for too long.
Here’s feeling pretty desperate,
Jess

[Carnation]

It can most definitely be anxiety Jess in a state of high sensitivity and sometimes depersonalisation.
If you browse those two you will find people that have suffered the exact same symptoms and feelings you mentioned including myself.
Anxiety pushes up bp, normally momentarily, but if you look at it as doing a workout the readings will be the same, so try not to stress about it.
There's also white coat syndrome, which is so common, especially for anxiety sufferers.

[medesis]

Thank you Carnation! It is so lovely to have a forum like this. Just talking to fellow sufferers makes you feel so much better. Xxx

[Carnation]

Hi All,

If anyone is feeling unmotivated, lifeless, tired, and possibly sad, then that seems to be the mood for a lot of us at the moment, including myself.
January blues? Maybe. Lockdown blues? More than likely. Worrying about the future? Well, of course!
What can we do about those things.
That's a difficult one when you feel like it's an effort to make a cup of tea, want to stay in the comfort of your duvet and can't go a day without talk about the virus, vaccine or a Government briefing popping up on the TV or your IPAD or phone.
But despite those things I force myself to do exercises everyday, get some much needed fresh air, contact someone who might be feeling lonely, and do at least one task in the day whether it's cleaning the house, the laundry, tidying the garden or a repair job that's been sitting around since five winters ago.

We all want the Spring to come, we all want our lives back to some sort of normality and we certainly want the virus banished out of our lives.

So it's a waiting game and people with anxiety especially find that incredibly hard. Although most of the population seem to be in some form of anxiety now.
All the people I know that were a rock of society seem to be weaker than myself. Is it because of my long suffering that I can now comfort them?
I'm now phoning texting them to give them words of comfort in a manner that I am seemingly cured of my own condition. But I am not, experienced maybe and thoughts come into my head that want to say, "I've been suffering like this for years and you didn't understand". But those thoughts I keep to myself as I calm my neighbour or friend. If anything, a deeper understanding will come out of this for people that suffer with anxiety, PTSD, OCD, depression and other conditions along the same lines.

The misuse of the term anxiety in the media is a bugbear of mine. There's a difference between being anxious about a meeting or appointment to a condition of general or health anxiety. That nervousness at a job interview or appointment goes away after the event.
Anxiety conditions don't! We could have anxiety days / weeks before an event, during and after with prominent feelings and symptoms. Thoughts and feelings of dying are so felt like that a trip to A & E or a month in bed is not uncommon.

So when we are faced with a lockdown, a pandemic, January blues, it's just another screw in our already exhausted brain.
Over time we become Warrior like. Facing the world is like going in to battle everyday.
Laughter, fun and happiness are things we are not used to or believe we don't deserve.
We plod on with our coping skills, gritting teeth with our shoulders tensed up around our ears hoping we can make it from A to B without a dizzy spell, blurred vision, jelly legs, a hot flush or a panic attack.
How can we smile with all that? Well I do! Because I do make it from A to B, every time and if that's certainly something to smile about.
So we can do the same exact thing when the Spring arrives and the sun is shining. When lockdown is lifted and the elderly and vulnerable feel safe and the pandemic has ended.
Winter blues? A pee in the ocean compared to what we've been through.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Wow, Mrs. C.... that was a very positive, uplifting post! Can I take that to mean some of your cloud has lifted and you're seeing some light at the end of the tunnel? I hope you were able to hang onto that feeling for a little while at least, and thank you for sharing it and spreading it! Are things horrible for the entire world right now? Yes, pretty much. But could they be even worse? Yup, so we have to focus on the positives and be grateful for every happy thought we have. That is what I am going to try to do today so thank you for that reminder!

I took my mini-vacation and spent 2 days in a lovely hotel room at the casino. Of course it took me most of that two days to unwind and get into "vacation mode" but I finally did just about when it was time to go back home. I left a lot of money there which depresses me, but I did really enjoy being there and having some alone time and a few days where I didn't stress over things at the shelter. My two sisters joined me for a few hours one afternoon and it was actually PLEASANT! Did I mention the evil sister has started taking an anti-depressant and I can definitely see the changes???? How I wish she had done this 40 years ago - it would have saved me a lot of abuse, but hey, we're focusing on the positive - she's taking it now and has almost become bearable to be around.

Work issues? Still there, but I'm waiting for a meeting next week between me, the President, and the Personnel Committee. They had a board meeting a few nights ago and apparently they have decided on some "solutions" and guidelines and plan they want to discuss with me. So I'm laying low, not making any waves, and just quietly taking care of business until I hear what they have all come up with. Unfortunately one of the changes I know they made was to add another person to the Personnel Committee and that person is one of the trouble makers from the high school threesome (foursome since they count me as part of them but I've pretty much withdrawn). So I guess I won't be able to vent to Personnel about the drama anymore unless I reach out to one of them individually.

I "broke up" with the person who I had become very close friends with and it's troubling. There are a lot of things about our friendship that I really miss, and I have been tempted to reach out and ask her if we can discuss this like adults and find some sort of compromise, but I'm holding off until the meeting next week to see if there is anything in there that would prevent me from doing that.

She did not take it well when I suggested we back off from our friendship a bit since I felt it was seriously interfering with me being able to do my job properly - there was too much gray area between what she was telling me as a friend and what she was telling me as a boss. Wow, she exploded, got very angry (it's what we do when we're hurt) and pretty much the discussion was over. The next day she was "less than professional" in some of her public posts that other volunteers and members saw and rather than defend myself or reply, I deleted all the things I wanted to say and just let her carry on alone. It was really hard to take the high road but I think it paid off. She soon went silent and many others noticed and commented with "Wow, what the heck did you do to her to cause that?" but hopefully my silence made her see how foolish she made herself look by attacking me and she backed off after a day or so. Now we are civilly polite when we have to deal with each other, but it hurts because I do miss parts of our friendship. So... after I have this meeting next week with the rest of the board I will see if there is a way I can work with her to get parts of our friendship back without having her interfere in the job part of it so much.

I am totally in a funk. Is it because I really enjoyed my few days off and now don't want to get back into the all day/all night stress of the job? Or is it the pandemic or the state of our government? The cold weather? My thyroid levels being off? Probably all of the above, so I am trying to ride it out and be OK with not being OK right now. I wish we could all get together for a giant group hug and chat session but I guess this is the next best thing. So glad to have all of you here.
Sue

[Carnation]

Sue,

I was sad to read that friendship has been tethered.
But was she the friend you thought she was?
Someone who reacts the way you said, could react again in a similar way again. You don't need that or deserve it.
What a shame you have all this going on when all you wanted to do was have something in your life to fill a void and do good for something which is close to your heart.
Sounds like a waiting game for you and what a long time to sort something out to make everyone's lives easier so they can be at the shelter for the purpose they first joined.
So just keep your head down or high until you know otherwise.
And this sort of scenario can affect your general morale and it looks like you've taken that into account with your mini break.
You are a Warrior Sue. Remember that. x

[DustingMyselfOff]

Thanks for the encouraging words, Mrs. C. I'm guessing she was NOT the real friend she pretended to be or the one I so desperately wanted her to be. Granted, I think she would have done anything for me, but I think that came more from her desperate need to be liked and she was very needy - the friendship with her was a lot of work. I guess I am too trusting and that makes me a bad judge of character - I believe that everyone is what they say they are and that everyone has only good intentions.

Now the Personnel Committee wants me to document all that occurred in writing and I really don't want to do that - I want it all to go away and only move forward. They were insisting that I needed to have her treatment of me on file but I think that would just make things worse, not better. I reached out to the President and he agreed that it was up to me if I wanted to file a formal complaint and if I was not comfortable I absolutely should not do it. So now I am beginning to think the Personnel Committee wants me to help them go after this "Friend" but I'm not going there. It's in the past. Let's see what next week's meeting brings and then I'll decide how to proceed.

SO much drama. Other than the shelter stuff, my thyroid numbers are off again so I'm changing doses, again, and it's affecting my hormones, emotions, metabolism, sleep, etc. Life certainly is a challenge, isn't it? But - it could be SO much worse, so I am still thankful for my life, and of course for all of you.
Sue

[Carnation]

Sue, personally I wouldn't go down that road of documenting conversations and behaviour and I wouldn't think there any need to do that unless it becomes a situation that is taken to a much higher level with consequences. This situation should have been nipped in the bud from the start. It's just become an unsolved mess.
As for you trusting people, Mr C has had that undeserved problem throughout his life and unfortunately been used and abused. I'm the opposite. I'm very wary of folk and I get feelings about people that seem to set off my anxiety and that's a good guideline to use.
If someone causes you anxiety, then they surely can't be good for you.
I hope this situation doesn't go on too long for you, it must be making your work difficult.
In the end karma will work its magic and the final outcome will be the best one for you. x

[DustingMyselfOff]

Thanks, Mrs. C. This friend/boss popped into the shelter today to pick something up and I was shocked at how glad I was to see her. I DO miss a lot about the friendship we had and I did enjoy having her as my confidant, someone who I knew/thought always had my back, and someone that was always there for me if I needed anything. We were both friendly and upbeat with each other and within a minute or two we were both struggling to hold back tears. I told her that we would talk soon, but not at the shelter and definitely face to face so that she could not get hurt/angry and end the conversation. She agreed. I told her there were still some things I needed to discuss with the rest of the Board about guidelines and boundaries and once those were clear maybe we could get to the bottom of where our friendship went bad. I have every intention of telling her that I felt betrayed by her during the recent high school drama and that I no longer believe that I can 100% trust her or feel safe that she "has my back" and I'll state all the reasons I feel that way. If she can handle that and own some of it, maybe we can let each other back in slowly, but I will stress that if I ever trust her again it will have to be earned and she is going to have to prove that the next time there is some drama going on she will either have my back or completely stay neutral. And I will tell her that if we become friendly again she will have to limit how much time she comes to the shelter..... she used to come there to hang out with me and not only keep me from getting my work done but she made all the staff and volunteers uncomfortable feeling as if she were checking up on them or watching their performance. The shelter is a much more relaxed place to work when the board members are NOT there.

Anyway, I am glad that her and I are at least talking again, both for the sake of the friendship and for the sake of the shelter. She has shown that she can be immature and unprofessional and not very good at separating business from pleasure, so I need to lay out those ground rules. "When you are at the shelter we only discuss shelter business. When we are off-site and socializing, we do NOT discuss the shelter."

I've got a Zoom conference call either Monday or Tuesday night with Personnel and the President at which time they want to share with me the things they have implemented to hopefully make my job easier and protect me from the drama nonsense. They are going to ask me to give it a month's trial and then report back about whether I think it's working or not. If nothing else, I am glad that they realize how difficult this job has become and some of the nonsense I deal with and are trying very hard to fix it for me.

Anyway, enough work talk. I am totally in love with my "new" cat (have had her 2.5 months now) and she is my comic relief and my cuddle bug. And I can FINALLY let her roam around the house without fear of the dogs bothering her - we have finally gotten them all to live in harmony! Now if only humans could learn that quickly. :(
Sue