I'm finding difficulty with eye contact lately.
For some reason I'm presuming I look ill and so afraid that someone is going to comment on it.
I even have excuses lined up incase someone says anything to me....
"I have hay fever", "I've not been sleeping well", "I've been stressed and exhausted with moving".
But in my head I think there is something more and I am obsessing that people are looking at me in a weird way, even talking behind my back.
I've asked my partner several times and I know deep down he won't give me an honest answer because he is aware of my anxiety and how it can affect me. Besides my arm could be hanging out of its socket and he'd still ask me "what's for dinner tonight?"
I keep taking selfies of myself to see if I look ok and glancing in the mirror to see if I look pale or flushed, bloated or drawn and weighing myself chronically to see if there is any change.
I've been like this more so since the move and its as though after all the hard work and task in hand is worrying me that I won't be able to reap the benefits because of some deadly illness or something.
I know about paranoia and yes, I probably am, but knowing that doesn't calm the mind.
Even if I keep busy, I find myself stopping in my tracks to check my appearance and if I'm out, I try to avoid human contact incase someone I know comments and asks if I am ok?
I've been like this since having anxiety, but lately it's been more so and this constant checking and comparing photos from one day to the next is stressing.
Even if I stop doing that and have done for a while, I'm still faced with the bathroom mirror, shop mirrors, reflections from windows and the dreaded face on with a human being.
I do have a fear of death and it's process and being a carer for the last ten years has not helped with those thoughts and I find it has affected me being able to enjoy life to its fullest.
But the way I see it for me, unless I have someone comment on how well I look or a GP gives me a clear bill of health, I'm presuming there is something wrong.
The silent stares, the frowning, the 'how are you's", the side glances and sympathetic tilted head, all makes me more paranoid.