Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Sorry about yet another sleepless night, and also that you're struggling to be where you'd rather not be right now. I can totally relate to the second part.... there is something about eating out, even just with hubby, that makes me uncomfortable. I'm afraid I won't feel well while I'm there, I'm anxious for it to be over with, and if the service is slow, it's even more difficult to get through because you don't even enjoy the food, you just want to be done and over with so you can say "Fine, I did it, now let me go home!"

That's why I wonder how much or how hard we really need to continue to push ourselves outside our comfort zones. Sometimes I think we need to keep trying, and other times I think "Why? I've been struggling with this for decades, I've earned the right to just say "No" and not do the things I don't want to do." I don't want to be someone who never leaves the house, I will still run errands and do a small amount of shopping and attend family events, and I will still fly cross country a few times a year to visit my daughter, but other than that, why do I have to push myself? I find myself beating myself up because I am not keeping in touch with all the people I used to work with, I've not taken them up on their offers to meet for lunch or drinks, and I'm torn about whether I need to push myself to or just let them go. Thinking back, I've never been one to keep up much of a social life except for the event that I was obligated to attend, so to push myself to create one now seems too forced.

Is it so wrong for us to become happy hermits?
Sue

[Carnation]

Just to finish up on yesterday's events....
Basically I ventured to two cafes (both sitting outside as I find that a tad easier), lunch at one and a drink at another. The lunch was the harder one, like you say Sue, the self-consciousness, the waiting for the food to arrive and getting through it quickly so you can leave that station. That pretty much sums it up.
The second cafe which was obviously a little later, I found myself alone there for a while because our ticket was about to run out on our car and I do the familiar thing of latching on to the nearest person by means of chatting about a load of crap.
But this time I happened to pick a very nice lady who suffered with severe OCD and anxiety and had just taken a diazapan and seemed relatively chilled.
We got into deep conversation which we could have talked about for the rest of the summer and when Mr C returned he was surprised to see me so relaxed and surprised to find yet again finding another person in my shoes so to speak. what interesting was her trigger for anxiety and OCD was loss and illness, not just for herself, but in her life. Her husband, her brother, her pets.....
She felt a wave of abandonment and grief and was now fighting to rebuild her life as someone on her own.
I have no doubt I will see this lady again and it will be interesting to see and chat to her. And there's one thing we both agreed on, was the familiar cries of... The mental health team being ill equipped to deal with this, the GP only prescribing medication and upping it each time you go for help, the social workers that are a big letdown and basically the lack of help in the mental health field and poor training to deal with it.
So you can imagine it was not a very cheerful chat, but hey, anxiety isn't, is it?
So in between those cafe visits I also ventured into a couple of shops to test the water with my anxiety and yes, still nervous, anxious and a bit spaced out and then Mr C wanted to walk a further ten minute walk to another shop and I'm thinking, "Oh hell, when's it gonna be over, I just want to get back home".
By the time I got there I could feel a shift in my aura, almost normal and very calm like and so much difference that I myself wanted to do a bit of shopping myself as we made our way back down the road.
I went in to one shop by my own, (getting more confident =, and because I immediately stepped into the fear zone again, I felt a wave of panic and being spaced out again, but I took it slowly and carried on until I found myself at the counter standing in a queue and feeling incredibly calm.
To sum up, no matter how spaced out, lightheaded or fearful, those feelings wear off as you challenge them. I know it's incredibly uncomfortable and scary but they dissipate as eventually anxiety has nothing to work from.
And if it can disappear after a few minutes, even if it's just occasional to begin with, the hope is there for it to disappear altogether with time, patience and determination.

[Carnation]

Sue, with the 'pushing yourself', you will know what you are capable with doing no matter what anxiety throws at you. But think we've realised that stuff that triggers us or no longer interests us is far more difficult.
So the question lies, do we delete that stuff from our lives?
This is one to be carefully considered because it could turn out to be so much in our lives that we end up hardly venturing out at all. Especially as it could involve family, friends, clubs, shops, travelling.....
To a certain extent life as we know it will take care of a lot of this in its own canny way. With or without anxiety.
But you can also control your life so it's not so painful and demanding.
Like you, when we wrapped up our business, which was a pub, so you can imagine we met hundreds of people, even thousands! But when we left we had about fifty or so regulars that became a bit more than acquaintances and vowed to keep in touch. Although very flattering, it's a tall order to keep up and most of the running around was done by us. But as time moves on, the demands and interest become less and now we have just a handful of people from that era as also their lives change too.
Initially you may feel, shall we say, obliged, or even wanting to hang on to a bit of the life you once had, but it will naturally change over time. x

[Carnation]

After two full days out, I find my daily chores have accumulated to a morning of 'catch me tail'.
Without realising at first, I was changing the bed, unloading the washing machine, hanging out the washing, reloading the washing machine with the bedding that always gets me into a fluster, preparing lunch, making tea, watering the plants, all while Mr C was in the bog!
Then he comes out very casually saying, "is there anything you want me to do?"
Grrrrr..
Well yes! Apart from you missing the last 6 jobs I need to pop in to town to get something for dinner.
So after a quick lunch, in the car I jump to find the car wouldn't start.
This is quite rare for electronic cars of today and I have to say that panic set in quite quickly.
Once started I agreed to a short run around the corner and it took some persuading to drive me in to town for fear of not getting back, but I went along with the decision, got the dinner still feeling very shaky and returned to the car.
Then Mr C took it upon himself to start driving further afield. No lie, I started panicking which resulted in tears and Mr C just couldn't get how I was feeling. Not only did he take an action without my consent or discussing with me first, I'd already reached my boundaries with my fear and had visions of being stuck miles away if the car should fail us.
He also made it worse by almost saying I was pathetic and how tiresome it was which made me swear and call him a nasty name.
Anyway, I'm back home now and feeling a little jaded and sitting in the garden licking my wounds of anxiety.

[DustingMyselfOff]

You certainly do more than your fair share of challenging yourself so no one can ever accuse you of not doing all can to defeat this disorder. Yes, I need to decide if I want to start creating more of a social life, or just continue with the VERY small group of people that I see on a regular basis, mostly people related to me. I really thought that when I retired I would then have the time and desire to go meet old girlfriends for lunch and drinks and outings, but when I think about actually contacting one of them, I hold back. Is it from fear of anxiety or because I truly don't WANT to get involved in a relationship that will then become a commitment to keep alive and well? It's almost like if I reach out to one of them, a floodgate will open and they will want very regular get-togethers and that's not something I want, for some reason. I like my somewhat reclusive life, after having spent so many decades of having to talk to people all day long and having to attend social engagements that were corporate related. But will I die a lonely old lady? Maybe, but maybe not.

Oh, husbands. I think you and I do have very compassionate, understanding, patient ones, but apparently every once in a while they, too, reach their breaking point with our disease. Part of the problem is they can't possibly understand what we're going through having never experienced it themselves. My OCD is the biggest one that my husband sometimes thinks is joke-worthy, and some days, I'm ok with that. But I was having a particularly bad day at the office, then had a hair appointment, and convinced the stylist to let me leave with wet hair so that I could style it myself (I only live a few minutes away). I have this silly routine whereas at the end of the day when I pull my car into the driveway, I need some "closure". I need to turn off the radio, the car, put away my things, gather up my purse, check the mailbox, and walk through the front door, set my stuff down, and have a moment to myself to hang up my coat, return lunch/food items to the fridge, put my bag in it's proper place, etc. THEN I can greet the husband and the dogs and get on with the nighttime chores. I have told my husband about this need several times but he doesn't seem to comprehend. Sometimes he will open the front door for me as I'm coming through it. That breaks my routine. Other times he will be in the driveway doing something on his car. This is the episode that broke me. Since he was in the driveway he came over to my car to greet me. This threw me off so I went around the block so as to do my routine again. This time he wasn't in the driveway, but instead greeted me at the door. I told him I was going to get in my car and circle the block again and try this one more time (the need becomes more compulsory as the ritual keeps getting interrupted) and this time when I returned to the house he was standing in the street waiting for me. I broke, cried, screamed, blamed him for my hair drying too much because I had to go around the block so many times, etc. He thought he was being cute and funny but didn't realize the gravity of this disorder until I started sobbing. He apologized and tried to make things better by being scarce for a few hours, but they will never totally get it, and he seems to forget from time to time, since "normal" people don't need this ritual and routine.

Anyway, perhaps your husband was, in his own way, trying to help you by pushing your comfort zone, not understanding that this is not how it works. I'm sure he was dumbfounded by your outburst but maybe he understood for a moment that this is NOT a joking matter. And Lord knows we feel pathetic enough without someone reminding us of it. :(
Sue

[Carnation]

Yes Sue, he's fully aware of my condition and yes, he probably has his breaking point too.
Mr C also suffers from anxiety but in a different form.
He has restless leg syndrome and nervous scratching and without sertraline would be blowing his top at everything!

When reading about your rituals for arriving home which may sound strange to many but I perfectly understand, even relate and like you Sue, cannot fathom when a long standing partner continues to fuel a situation that pushes you over the edge.
Bringing it more into let's say a more normal life of someone. A lot of people like to have the morning to themselves, sometimes an hour and a couple of coffees without phonecalls, conversations or disruption in anyway.
The percentage of people is huge including me.
But still it is interpreted by my partner with assisting him and post being poked under my nose as I've barely come to. He's noisy, I'm quiet. I have a regime, he's all over the place. Once I'm ready, I'm ready for action, but until then, leave me alone!
Two of my friends get it, as I've told them and they are the same, but Mr C doesn't and turns me into Mrs Grumpy and makes it worse by telling me so.
He does the same at night. I like to have a wind down before going to sleep.
He wants to chat about problems.
Then I can't sleep and I must have told him a thousand times not to do it.
And then I find myself apologising to him for being the way I am.
I'm not diagnosed with OCD but I have my ways of maybe not quite normal.
All my labels in my kitchen cupboards must face to the front and be in lines. Everything must flow in order.
I check locks before going to bed several times.
I must get out of the bed the same side I get in.
I can't and have never slept with a window behind me.
All inner doors must be left open at all times.
I have to have a light left on inside the house when I sleep.
I can't deal with stuff put on the floor that shouldn't be there.
I go crazy with an overflowing bin.
I must always serve my food or drinks to the right hand side.
I wash my hands excessively.
I don't like change if it's been done out of my control.
I hate being late.
There's probably a load more, but it's enough to get my day turned upside down.

The night before last I had a terrible night's sleep and lay awake until 6am!
Nothing in particular was bothering me, but all my skills for getting off were not working.
So Mrs C was a zombie yesterday and all day long was anxious of collapsing from lack of zzzzzs.
Last night was better, but I continue to keep waking up.
This is bothering me big time and now looking at ways to overcome this or find out why.
As for today, I'm venturing in to town later to get yet more supplies for the fridge that never seems to stay full.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Yup, you understand. And I'm sure lots of "normal" people have some form of OCD or ritual but until they affect the quality of your life, they're not considered a problem.

So this week my husband was going to go into the office for 3 days to give me some alone time, but it didn't work out that way. He had a doc appointment mid-day Monday so worked from home, which resulted in him possibly having some minor surgery this Thursday, which leads to him going for more pre-op appointments today. If he does have surgery Thursday, I'm sure he'll work from home for several days or weeks after that. I'm ready to lose my mind. Not only don't I have one minute to myself nor a minute of silence, but his non-stop coughing (he always picks up something) has turned into a habit he's not even aware of so he's clearing his throat and coughing every 30 seconds or so. I'm ready to go check into a hotel somewhere for a day just for SILENCE. This is not the way I had pictured retirement, and as I have reminded him, HE seems to be enjoying my retirement more than I do!

Can't live with them, can't live without them.
Sue

[Darksky]

It's a weird one. It's a big adjustment for women to suddenly have their husbands hanging the house when they are used to having the place to themselves. There doesn't seem to be anywhere you can be alone anymore. I never have the tv on in the morning, now until I physically turn it off myself, he can have it blathering away in the corner all day. You want the bathroom...he's in it, so you have to go downstairs. But the good outweighs the bad and now we are together all the time, I feel more of a team rather than two individuals. We seem to be living one life now, in it together, rather than two people who get together in the evening after a separate days work.

one downside is, now he's aware of my eBay parcels arriving. I could order, receive and be wearing it before he knew what day it was. "This old thing? I've had it for years....you never look at me"

[DustingMyselfOff]

LOL So true about the packages arriving! I used to be able to bring them in when I went home from the office for lunch, have the stuff put away and the boxes in the trash before he got home in the evening. Now, he hears the doorbell go off often with another package delivery.

Your post was very helpful, Darsky, in that I have been trying to tell myself that since this may not be something I can change or control, perhaps I should change the way I react to it. No, this new retirement of mine has NOT gone the way I envisioned it, but not everything does. And if this is my biggest problem right now? Then I am a very lucky lady who has a husband who wants to be around her all the time.

I will try to look at the positives of having him work from home so much and not focus on the negatives so much. And then when he does get through his medical issues and surgeries, maybe THEN I'll start getting some alone time. Watch, though, by then I will be accustomed to having him around and will complain that that he is gone too much. LOL
Sue

[Carnation]

I have been living and working with my other half for about 15 years. Running a pub for nearly a decade meant being very close all day and night, seven days a week.
And the last 5 years we have been constantly together because of my monophobia and I'm pretty sure Mr C is fed up with being with me constantly.
I make up for it with my cooking skills.
But yeH, couldn't have contemplated being with someone constantly no matter how much you love them, but I am, and that's that.
I tell him if I need a couple of hours to myself in a different room or take myself off to the garden, but I think myself lucky to have a partner than not.