Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[Carnation]

Feeling a bit jaded today.
Last night the floodgates opened and I ended up talking about lots of stuff from the past with Mr C.
Obviously it needed to come out and thought I might feel better for it today, but it's left me feeling a bit depressed to be honest. So I'm having an easy day and letting that episode pass, as it always does.
I wondered whether I should even mention it because I feel I should be a ray of hope to everyone.
And then I thought, if I'm not truthful about the bad bits, then I can't be totally truthful in my posts.
Living in the present is so needed to relieve anxiety, but it's not so easy to forget past trauma and grief.
If only we could wipe that slate clean like a computer.
But the reason we can't is because we need the good memories too and we learn from all memories.
There's nothing we can change about the past, it is what it is. But as we live in the present we can use our past experiences to guide us through the future.
I know, I'm rambling on, lol.
What I'm trying to say is we shouldn't let our past affect our lives today but be who we are and what we want to be. And that is what I am going to apply to myself too.
We spend far too much time thinking about 'what Ifs' and 'If only' and 'It was my fault' or 'I made a mistake'. Why? Its gone. You can't change any of it now. It was how it was then and you are in the now and alive to live how you choose to do so.
So let's be kinder to ourselves when we have a flashback to the past. x

[Justanutter]

Sorry to hear you’ve had a couple of bad days. It’s hard not to delve into past issues as those memories are still stored as hurts. At least Mr C will listen....mine has no empathy whatsoever especially where mental health is concerned. X

[Carnation]

Thank you Justanutter
I'm going through one of those emotional periods.
I think that's a common trait with other halves.
Mr C was there, but I couldn't be sure he was attentively listening while on his IPAD. That's why us girls come on here.

[Carnation]

Thinking of my mum today ❤️
4 years passed.

Silly me, it's tomorrow, not today.

[glassgirlw]

I’m so sorry, Mrs. C. Will be sending positive vibes your way today and tomorrow. I’ve lost people close to me, but never a parent. I pray I don’t experience that for many years. Hugs.

[Carnation]

Thank you glassgirlw
I find being in lockdown it makes out thoughts more susceptible to such memories.
I had the photos out yesterday, not sure if that's a good idea or not but it's what I felt like doing.

[glassgirlw]

I don’t see anything at all wrong with doing what you feel is right in the moment. Maybe the photos can remind you of the good memories and make the grief easier to bear. Being in lockdown definitely does not help in your situation, far too much quiet time to sit and think. There have been so many lockdowns at this point I’m sure you know all the tricks. Just try to be kind to yourself today.

[Carnation]

Thank you for your thoughtful words glassgirlw.
I hope you are doing ok? xx

[glassgirlw]

Doing just fine! As well as can be expected in these crazy times. I have an appt for my first jab tomorrow afternoon, a little nervous but what will be, will be!! Crossing fingers nothing goes wrong and I can get it as scheduled. I’m on the “younger” side (41) but am termed obese. Also an essential worker so tend to have quite a bit of public facing contact. I’m beyond ready to get this jab but still just a little uneasy - I don’t even get a flu jab or typically take any meds. So it’s a stretch for me for sure. I am ready to try and get back to some semblance of normal though so the excess anxiety is worth it to me!!

[Carnation]

I will be thinking of you glassgirlw x
I know many people that don't take meds or don't have the flu jab, but are going ahead with the vaccine so they can live a more normal life without the continuing fear of risk which is constantly being fed by the media.
It's not easy by any means for some people to have.
It seems to be the get out of jail free card for people to travel and work and see their family. And is a necessary requirement for a lot of people. You are strong glassgirlw, so you'll face this and deal with it. xx

Yesterday was an extremely challenging day for me. Yep, more than usual. I was determined to not react to any of it and let anxiety put me in a cradle of comfort and despair. It started with one of those stressing calls to a utility provider. You know, where you are holding on listening to elevator music and passed from one person to another like there's no end in sight. I'm always a little shaky making these sort of calls anyway.
Then I had the most horrendous row with Mr C which almost resulted in him walking out. Stuff was said between us which was hurtful to us both and during a lockdown it made the whole thing quite unbearable.
Stuff comes up about the past and all the niggles during the lockdown come out guns blazing.
We managed to make our peace by the evening and was eating our evening meal when Mr C went into a choking fit. I had to whack him on the back underneath the shoulder blades until he was ok again. An hour later my cat was sick all over a cushion on a chair and the day was finished off by someone phoning at a quarter to midnight!
Bearing in mind it was also the anniversary of my mum's passing, I was more than happy to get yesterday over with.

During all of this I kept reminding myself not to let anxiety take over and put me into a snivelling wreck. I dealt with it, had a moment of calm and carried on. Reminded myself that these things happen and the horrible day will end and a new one will begin.
It made a huge difference, the way I responded and acted. Basically not fuelling an already stressful and upsetting situation. And it shows that the way to respond mentally is a very important factor to our mental wellbeing.
I'm actually going to say I am proud of how I dealt with everything that was thrown at me yesterday and use it as a benchmark. It's so easy to run to your bed for safety and I've done it so many times, not feeling any benefit at all apart from hiding from my fears, which in hindsight is no good in the long run.
And to anyone else who faces their fears when they are feeling overwhelmed, I'm proud of you too! Because most people have no idea how hard that is to do, but I do!