Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[DustingMyselfOff]

So nice to have you back (I missed you!) but so sorry that you're doing so poorly right now. I hate to bring this up again but feel compelled: do you think maybe it's time to try medication? Even for just 6 months, or less if that makes you uncomfortable. Like you said, you have tried all the coping techniques and yet your life is still slipping away. Perhaps this is not something you can battle alone or with sheer will and determination. Your nerves and body need a break to start healing and they can't heal when they are constantly sensitized. Life is too short to waste and you have lost enough time suffering.

OK, that's my 2 cents and my strong suggestion, even though I know you are against medication (but I don't know why). You've tried everything else, EVERYTHING, and your quality of life is getting worse instead of better. I have no other suggestions, but know that my heart is breaking for you.
Sue

[Carnation]

Welcome back Darksky, you were certainly missed.
All of your suggestions are greatly received and right up my alley.
But my present condition is more me than what I am doing. You see, it's with me most of the day, the feeling of fainting/passing out, the many anxiety symptoms, the fear and the fear of the fear. Even a neighbour asked me if I was ok, twice! And you know how that sets off the anxiety even more.
I'm constantly checking in the mirror and watch in despair the red flushing appear on my chest and watch it rise in to my face. And although my eyes are cloudy and difficult to focus, I can see enough to frighten myself. My left eye has been pulsing so much it burst and caused a blob of blood to send my overactive mind in to thinking I was experiencing a brain hemorrhage. My health anxiety is in full swing and I'm basically living a horror story.
But I will try to do those things you have mentioned. I always try Darksky. x

Lovely Sue
How anyone can miss someone moaning about their life and forever talking about anxiety and all its horrid frills.
But I am very grateful for anyone who is prepared to listen.
I'm afraid the people I know in the real world are just not interested and the same for my so called family.
That's why the Samaritans are so important.
In my opinion is better than giving fifty quid to a therapist who will just "um" and "Ahh" and turn their head on one side while they scrutinise your body and frown with a fixed glare.
Yes, I have been thinking about meds Sue. GPs are not favourable for me and had some nasty experiences and have yet to register with one since I moved.
As for meds and my fear, it comes mainly from my mum.
As a young girl I lived with the experience of watching my mum go through horrid side affects including suicidal thoughts, zombie fashion survival and incorrect meds that led to my mum collapsing many times. I had to bring her round myself on one occasion and that all sticks in my mind. My fear is so strong I won't even take antibiotics.
Saying all that I haven't ruled out a mild sedative, but getting me to a GP is a milestone in its self.
I've got in to my head that it's not anxiety at all and it's something more serious. Especially when I have people I hardly know ask me if I am ok.
Obviously I'm not because of the anxiety and panuc, but I think they are referring to something else they can see.
Seriously, how can you feel so ill with just anxiety?
I feel detached and find myself questioning the floor I walk on and the haze I see before me. My head feels full of liquid, my body is vibrating and my heart is thudding all the time.
I managed to pop to the corner shop today but I shake all the time I am there with this scared cat like stance that just wants to go home and lie down and lick my wounds.
So depression is born and you then have a double battle to fight. :(

[DustingMyselfOff]

I can totally relate to your fear and apprehension about medication.... I went through the same thing, growing up with my Mom threatening not to let anyone know I had mental issues because they would "lock me away" and then watching a relative with anxiety go through shock treatments. So for years, even though all my doctors strongly urged me to take meds, I declined. This went on for years to the point that I didn't go see them anymore because there was nothing they could do for me if I wouldn't at least try medication.

When I found I couldn't even care for my young children anymore and couldn't drive a car (I would get dizzy and faint and have to pull over) I agreed to a tranquilizer. It was heaven, and I started to see what a "normal" life might be like. But as the years went on, it took more and more for me to feel the effect, and I didn't like the high dose I was on. Doc again urged me to try an anti-depressant so I could get off the tranquilizers and I had no choice - I didn't want to be addicted to tranq's. I tried Prozac, and I won't like, the first 8 weeks were hell. Worse anxiety, every physical symptom you can imagine, but I had a supportive doc who assured me that if I could "hang in there" a little longer it would be worthwhile. It was..... it saved my life. I was able to get off the tranq's and have been on Prozac ever since. ANYWAY, I can understand your reluctance, but when you get to the point where you are totally non-functional you may decide you have nothing to lose by trying.

Regarding anxiety causing all these physical symptoms? Hell, yes! I remember walking funny because it looked like the floor wasn't in the right place, it either looked higher or lower than it really was. And I couldn't walk down a hallway without leaning against the wall because the off-balance and dizziness was so bad. I was exhausted all the time, but couldn't sleep. I remember actually hearing voices and hallucinating one day and knew I was in trouble..... I think that was pure exhaustion combined with extreme anxiety. Health anxiety? I would check my pulse and heartbeat several times an hour and it got embarrassing because people would notice. I still remember the day shortly after starting meds that I caught myself singing along to the radio while driving and was shocked! I couldn't believe that not only was I driving, but I was SINGING! That's when I knew my life was only going to keep getting better.

Don't worry about being the type of person who only complains..... there is a LOT more to you than your anxiety, and we've all seen it. And I know you're still in there - you just need to find your way out of this fog and dark place you're currently in. We'll be here, during the process and once you emerge again.
Sue

[Carnation]

Oh my Sue, that's just how it is. I seem to be grabbing hold of things all the time, just incase I faint, which is ridiculous really because holding on to something will not be of any help if I actually do. But it's something you just do. An automatic reaction to saving yourself. And yes, the floor is all over the place. The easiest surface to walk on for me is grass or the earth so it tells me that I need grounding.
And the haze and out of focus is so scary. The only thing that gives me reassurance is i have periods of time when it is ok.
As for sleep? Not enough. I'm exhausted but just cannot sleep through the night or what you would call a required amount.
Meds for me is a last resort.
I have been driving, but in my present state I have given that a rest. I too was driving and singing a month ago, so I've had a glimmer of what could be.
I'm taking life pretty easy at the moment, not doing much, well I can't anyway, and the sofa is my best buddy at the moment. I'm not totally incapacitated, I've been doing stuff to occupy my mind sitting down and playing my piano daily, reading, ordering lots of things on Amazon as well as meditating, breathing exercises, (I know how much you hate those Sue), but going out in the big wide world is nightmare city for me in my current state and I don't need anyone to ask me if I am alright, because I'm not. It's embarrassing to say the least, but more importantly it takes all my strength to go to the corner shop and back.
I hate not being able to go out and be normal and it's now filtered in to indoors as well.
I'm just taking each day as it comes at the moment.

[Darksky]

Ive never had meds but they have their place. My sister had ADs and she didn't get on with them at all. I never say never about anything because you just don't know what you will need in the future. Only you will know if and when the time has come to try them. That time may never come and you may find you can claw your way up without meds

think of yourself as a little boat, which is currently hitting stormy seas. It will pass, you've hit high waves before and come safely back to harbour. But I want to reassure you, there is nothing seriously wrong with you, all your symptoms are caused by anxiety. Every single one. No matter how weird, how terrifying, how much they mimic other stuff.....it's all anxiety.

Get the wind in your hair, get Mr.C to drive you to the beach at sunrise or sunset. Listen to the gulls. Even if it's raining, go and feel the rain in your face. If you can get yourself out of your head for a short while you will benefit. I would give the shops a miss at the moment. Get into what you love...nature.

[Carnation]

Darksky, I'll get Mr C to do that, he might enjoy it too. x

[Carnation]

I had a much heavier sleep last night and it's thanks to you guys. (figure of speech ladies).
I needed some rational words of wisdom and you gave it to me. It's the feeling alone in the way you feel that makes everything feel so much worse. You think you are the only one that feels this way and no matter how many times I try to explain to Mr C that the floor feels strange, that I can't focus properly or seem to turn my head, feel giddy, sit still, relax, stand on one spot, control my bladder and sleep through the night, worry incredibly too much, he still doesn't understand.
The brain tries to work out the why's and wherefores and comes up with every frightening scenario you can think of.
I've been losing control and depression set in real fast.
Dare I say it? You start muttering to yourself, "I don't want to live like this anymore". You want to live but you feel like you are not living at all. Everything seems to be an ordeal.
It's exasperating, debilitating, soul destroying, frightening.
I almost got to the point of not wanting to open the front door. I stared at the handle and thought, "what am I doing to myself, it's just more torture".
"How can I possibly enjoy anything feeling like this?".
I'm constantly listening to Claire Weekes and letting all the affects of anxiety come and not reacting and its so hard and scary to just be. Most of the time my head doesn't feel like it belongs to me. I feel I want to cover my face when I go out which is pretty difficult in the summertime,but the sunglasses stay on even on a shady day. Big ones too, that tuck around the sides, makes me feel like I'm blind most of the time, because I see everything in the dark. The garden is my only relief where I can be myself and not have to come across any people.

Sue and Darksky, I feel awful that I didn't ask you both how you were yesterday, you must think I am so self-centred. The truth is I have been so wrapped up in 'me' and the way I feel, my manners have gone out of the window. So, how are you both? x

[Quinn1]

Hi Carnation
I am pleased you had a much better sleep.
You speak about gardening, I picked my first crop of Snow Peas todayand Celery which I use in juice.
I have plenty of tomatoes too.
My flower garden is looking a bit sad at the moment,usually have Gladi’s,Snapdragons and Russian Sunflowers they are beautiful,the local florist often buys them.
Gardening is wonderful therapy for me.

[Carnation]

Hi Quinn
I'm so pleased you joined my thread. What a positive person you are and if you are suffering, you are covering it well.

[Darksky]

I think you have been going through a bit of a crisis with no support. No one understands....it all sounds completely mad when you try to explain it. Non sufferers are at a massive disadvantage when they try to help simply because they cannot possibly understand and it sounds crazy. Heck it sounds crazy to me sometimes. There are so many facets of anxiety, I can't myself understand them all, if I don't personally suffer from them. So imagine how a complete non sufferer must feel when we try to explain the unexplainable.

Still, you're here now and we've got your back until you feel yourself again.....and beyond.

Dont worry about feeling wrapped up in yourself. It's natural, going through what you are at the moment. No ones taking any offence here. But, I'm ok, well good and bad days as per usual. Not moved but it will be some time I reckon, Brexit is stretching out it claws, in the form of lack of confidence and fear of investing. Still as the estate agent said, every month you are nibbling away at your mortgage.

Quinn, we have just done our grape harvest. That makes it sound grand but it's one vine against a fence. However we have had a lot of grapes this year and they are now fermenting in a bucket. Could be a merry Christmas We had tomatoes too but our dog jumped up and picked off all the red fruit. This is the same dog that struggles to walk with advanced age but she managed to jump up fairly high to get them. She pinches apples from your pocket too. At least she gets her five a day.

Mrs.C is sitting reading a step too far at the moment because I'm sure you'd love these books and you get really involved in them.