Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[KK77]

Ha ha
Worse than that. It was an Escort!

Not a Male Escort I hope?

Utter filth I say!

[Carnation]

Ha ha KK77,
They didn't exist in my day as I am obviously too old!
Besides, I could think of better things to spend my money on.

[Carnation]

Oh my, where does the time go?
And why am I always tired?

I wake up in the morning feeling like I have had no sleep and I am actually getting more hours these days. I don't understand it. I felt better when I was waking up every couple of hours. If I am being honest, I could stay in bed for an unlimited period of time, but is that anxiety doing that to me?

Muscle twitches were in force today. I'm preparing the dinner and there they go. Pulsating in my arm. Now, I used to drop everything, run away from what I was doing and think, "Why? Why is my arm twitching?"
But, today I just looked at my arm and said, "Yes, I know you are twitching and you need to stop, because all I am doing is peeling carrots and that is not dangerous or life threating". And it stopped and I carried on.

The thing is, when you are doing a task that is so robotic and mundane, the mind can wander and you may not be aware of it, but you are thinking of other things. Worries, stresses, past, future. It's not the carrot peeling, it's the mind that is wandering.
It will make no difference whatsoever if you run away or fret about where you are of what you are doing. It's the mind and NOT the task.
This is exactly why you are more likely to get muscle twitching, adrenalin rushes and many other anxiety symptoms when you are just sitting and relaxing.
Yes, you may think you are relaxing, but your mind isn't!

I actually drive my partner mad because I have the TV on in the sitting room, radio on the kitchen and bedroom and basically there is an audio nearly every where in the house. If I make a mental effort to listen to background noise, it stops me dwelling on past events or worrying about future events.
This is a great help if you can not control your bad thoughts or have negative feelings.
Muscle twitches hat like to scare you, but they are actually harmless. At least it proves you have muscles!

Palpations are another annoying irritation that tries to make you think horrid thoughts.
Firstly, your heart is beating which is a good thing and secondly, they actually stop if you tell it to stop. Honestly, no kidding. Have you tried it?
Also some palpations are a normal part of our everyday life.
Like bending over to put your boots on or pick things up from the floor.
And if you lay a certain way, you will hear your heart beating. That's normal, but anxiety sufferers magnify this in to something horrid.
Try as hard as it, to just carry on doing what you doing and each time you do this, it gets easier and easier.
It is only Fear, nothing nasty.
We are far too sensitive and on guard.
If your mind starts to wander, bring it straight back to the task in hand.
Say to yourself, "I am peeling the potatoes, making a sandwich, drinking a cup of tea!

Until next time......

[Carnation]

A typical start to the Easter weekend. Rain!!!!!

Not to be beaten by the doom and gloom of the weather, I went out to a local indoor Fair today. Oh my. Crowds, queues, noise, pushing and shoving, big spaces....
But I stood my ground and spent a whole 4 hours in this place.
Yes, I wanted to run, yes, I wanted to hide, yes I felt sick, yes, my legs felt heavy and my mouth felt so dry it felt like I was pounding my way through a desert with no oasis in sight. And No, I was not going to let all of this defeat me.
I lifted my heavy legs and walked, smiled at people I don't even know, tried to look excited at being there and tried to be normal.
No-one seemed to notice my struggles, it was all felt inside. The writhing, the uncomfortable feelings and the gritting of my teeth.
Obviously I was exhausted by the time I got home, but very pleased I did it.
Even the Café was a challenge.
Queues, waiting while they make you a sandwich, no seats visible, a tray to carry and then to share a table with strange people that look as though they had been wound up by a key before they came out. Then having to eat in front of them and try not look their way. And hot! So hot in there.
But no, I used my mindfulness tools, I stayed calm and got on with it.

Maybe I just don't want to do these sort of things in my life anymore.
It's a personal choice. The choice is, I can do it or not. And the point is having the freedom from anxiety to be able to if you want to. That's why I went. To challenge myself, to do what the flocking crowds of Easter do on their holidays. I was one of them and to them I was normal.

I have never really been a crowd follower. I'd always walk that extra bit on the beach to have peace and tranquillity. I'd wait weeks to see a film that I wanted to see rather than be squashed by another hundred odd people. If everyone travels on a Friday afternoon, I would wait for the flock to disappear and travel 6 hours later. You know the sort of thing.

Anyway, back to symptoms...

Crawly sensations on the body. Had this today and the first explanation for this would obviously be fear. It feels like some little puny insect is crawling over you, maybe even a few. Had this on my face today. Kept thinking something was on me and flicked my hand to find nothing there. This is the nerves. Nothing more and believe me it was quite understandable with my freaky day today. Other people might even describe it as a trickling sensation of water. It's just nerves and nothing to worry about. It goes away and you might not even get it again for a long time or ever again.

So, how did I get through my day today.
like I said I used my mindfulness tools, using the five senses of looking around the room at objects, making eye contact, some small chat, staying in the moment and not running away or staying glued to one spot.
I'm not trying to make it sound easy, because it is challenging, but the important thing to remember is that it is only fear that makes you feel uncomfortable, nothing else.

So until next time..........

[Carnation]

What a miserable weekend, but not to dwell on it, I still ventured out today.

After the shock of seeing the population quadruple in the town, I still managed to get from A-B with minimal anxiety.
It would be nice to see some sun, but no, more rain and plenty of it.
Feels more like January than the end of March.

So, what today.....

Tummy flutters?
I can not express more how important it is not to go too long without eating something. Keep the stomach settled.
Did you know that if you feel sick, actually eating something calms that feeling.

I had the experience of a day trip to France quite a long time ago on a very choppy journey and as soon as we set off I felt so sick I had to sit on the floor in the toilet.
When I eventually returned to my colleagues who were all eating a fried breakfast.
They said, "Sit down and join us". "I can't face that" I said. "Trust us, if you eat something, it will settle your stomach and you feel sick because your stomach is empty". So, I reluctantly did, because I felt so bad, I would have tried anything to get rid of the feeling and do you know, it actually worked.

My point is you actually have to do what seems like the opposite of what you think you should do. Stomach iffy, gurgling, queasy, butterflies; eat something!

Now, the same thing applies to drinking. I mean water, tea, soft drinks; not alcohol.

Eyes feel a bit blurry, energy low, too hot, too cold, dry mouth?
Anxiety is proven to make us more dehydrated than normal and it can be a case of more fluids are needed. I'm not saying that all anxiety symptoms will disappear after a bite to eat and bottle of water, but it will definitely help and make you feel better.

The rule of thumb is a drink every 2 hours and to eat every 4 hours.
Think about it, that's why a working day was programmed to have a tea break at 11am, lunch at 1pm, tea break at 3pm and after work it is up to you.
These were the designed laws of the original working day.
Unfortunately in today's society people are expected to eat there breakfast on their way to work, miss they morning break, grab lunch as you shop and do other things in your lunch hour, (If you get one). And then you might be bribed with missing your afternoon break by saying you can leave ten minutes early to beat the traffic home.
This is all wrong, but it is reality today. No wonder we have a grumpy population.

Speaking of 'grumpy', which is something I try not to be, but fail on a daily basis.
So, I am trying to practice smiling in the mirror and laughing without cause.
This is difficult and feels silly, but it I am doing it to feed the right chemicals in to my brain. Depression is linked to anxiety and although I am not clinically diagnosed with depression, but get down days, it is something I would try to change my overall demeanour. If you can find something funny on TV to watch, then that's even better or read something that will make you laugh or anything else you can think of.
With the Media constantly bringing us bad news and constant depressing adverts, let alone the daily stresses of life, it is important to find different outlets of nicer things to give us joy.

to be continued..........

[Buster70]

Hi there , just caught up again , I'm the same with background noise , wake up tv on , walk to van , radio on ( or MP3 now I've caught up with the twentieth century ) get to lock up , radio on ( digital how modern ) sometimes walk with the MP3 , back home tv on , get on my exercise bike , tv on subtitles and MP3 with big headphones, Do you think maybe we are trying to avoid ourselves , my mind never stops overthinking would it be nice to just think of sweet FA .
Well done on getting out and about , four hours in a crowded place and you didn't run or feel the need to kill anyone that's a major accomplishment, the general public are pretty annoying at the best of times .
I walked to the top of high hill yesterday that looks over my town and the old rail sidings ( soon to be hs2 ) haven't been up there for long time because of getting out of breath and my brain saying " turn back or you'll die " I got to the top and stood right on the edge with the dogs , it's quite a drop but I didn't wobble or feel anxous and I didn't get the intrusive thoughts to jump , for the first time in ages I was in the moment just taking it in .
Heard this song and it's definitely not my usual but who cares , thought of what you've been through and think it fits the bill , its upbeat and the lyrics were wrote after a loss , shame it's Gary Barlow , Let me go .

[Carnation]

Urgh! Not Gary Barlow, please. I deserve better than that Buster.

Well done you for your accomplishment. It's all about staying in the moment.

[Buster70]

Go on embrace the Barlow let him into your life he is the chosen one , what about Blondie Atomic ? My daughter filmed me singing this while driving and showed it to all her freinds surprisingly they said they wanted me to be there dad or Aerosmith Dream on , my musical taste has no rhyme or reason anymore I'm blaming it on mental illness.
Sat at the table today with grandson and granddaughter waiting for dinner , grandson ( 3 ) gets his knife and fork taps them together and goes " A one two a one two three four " and bursts into we will rock you , I nearly wet myself , then to top that granddaughter (7) goes " grandad do you know my dad cut his nuts open on a barbed wire fence ?" I did know but didn't really want to hear about it before dinner .
Hope you had a good day

[Carnation]

Do you ever get days when your body moves and your head stays one pace behind?
Well, today was one of those days for me.
Look, there is no point in telling you I feel perfect every day, that would be giving you false information.

Whether I have over done things, pushed myself too far too soon or just having one of those off days. But, today was definitely a struggle for me.
I used my usual tools; staying in the moment, keeping focused and even did a bit of 'tapping', but I still struggled with anxiety.

I always like to find the reason for a bad day. Not enough sleep? A worry at the back of my mind? Too much sugar, not enough sugar? Fear!?
Maybe it is not the right thing to do, but the brain needs a diagnosis; always!

I had trouble walking, like I said, my head seemed slightly detached from my body. When I stood still I felt heavy and glued to the floor and then frightened to move away. My eyes seemed out of focus, I was cold, which is unusual for me, my stomach felt funny and if I moved about I felt unsteady.

Saying all that, I still went out, did some shopping, visited my neighbour and got through my daily chores. None of the people I met noticed anything strange about me or made any comment. These feelings come from inside of me!

Now, I know from experience that as you improve and feel better, you can in fact slip back and have a bad day. This is quite common. It's annoying to say the least when you think you've nipped the beast in to oblivion, but it's not the end of the world.

I know am carrying quite a lot of adrenalin, because I can feel it my legs and I haven't been able to do my usual walks due to the shitty weather.
I always feel better after a good walk and I know of many anxiety sufferers that get addicted to exercise and running, because it helps the levels of serotonin.

To make matters worse, everyone I seem to bump in to is ill or had just been ill, which sets off the worry thoughts of catching something.
This continuing winter climate is no help whatsoever for the feeling good mode.
Each time the forecast tells us of Spring is just around the corner, it rains for hell leather or some beastly wind arrives or even more snow. :(
I don't mean to be negative, but let's face it, life can not be running through the daffodils with sun on your face every day. (Although, we are told this by the weather forecasters that this approaching us very soon).

But..........and a big BUT,
I have noticed a change in my attitude towards fear.
Take today, not a great day, but one of my fears is carrying shopping that is far too heavy for fear of having a heart attack or strain on my lungs.
It might sound ridiculous, but it is a reappearing thought I have, to not take any chances in overstraining.
There is another angle to this, that might make more sense to my fear of this.
I suffered a mild stroke quite a few years ago; actually 14 years ago after lifting something extremely heavy, actually excruciatingly heavy, because I don't want anyone thinking they can not lift anything heavy ever again. It was a pool table.
So this is why I have a fear of lifting or carrying anything heavy.
Well, today I grabbed a bag from my partner, because he wanted to do something and it was ladled with a lot of heavy stuff. My partner knows my fear and said to me, "It's heavy, are you sure?" I replied, "I am not going to die from holding a shopping bag!" OMG, what did I just say. A positive comment and breaking one of my fears.
I kid you not, I will spend 4 times longer than needed putting shopping away to avoid handling any heavy items.

It's like driving a car after an accident, which happens to be another one of my fears and a massive one. This is something I want and need to overcome in time.
Just because I was involved in a car accident, doesn't mean it is going to happen to me again; especially every day!

Overcoming fear and phobias is a HUGE benefit to overcoming anxiety.
Phobias are fear and if you have enough of those to keep you going on a daily basis, then you will be living in fear every day.

So my task now is to overcome my phobias.

Until next time...........

[Senior Moment]

Hi Carnation. I am still enjoying reading your daily posts and could particularly empathise with yesterday. I have been having some really good days, doing things I haven't done for a long time and thinking more positively, and hey-ho out of the blue comes a day when I can't seem to walk in a straight line without toppling over, vision problems, head pressure, the damn lot !!! I then find it very difficult to get my headspace back into thinking positively again. I seem to go back to thinking I will never crack this anxiety. It's so frustrating and depressing. Oh well, today is another day, so onwards and upwards. Take care SM x