Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[Carnation]

Sue, it will be interesting to see if your hypnotherapy is successful. I admire for not giving in and trying different things.
I myself have trouble with driving, so much that I gave up completely. But as Mr C is poorly with gout and can hardly move, I have driven the last few days. Admittedly it's only local stuff through streets and in to the town, but considering I haven't driven more than down to the bottom of the street for about nearly three years, I found that it was as if I'd never had that break.
All the skills remain, but obviously I was fearful of a panic attack or symptoms. In a way, you wait for it to come and tense up from fear.
Fortunately for me I was ok, but the fear remains for the next time and the next time.
It's like I have to be prepared and need to stay in my safety zone.
This is from someone that drove in all weathers, all over the country, in the middle of the night and even abroad.
I was confident driver and very vigilant. I would go as far to say, I loved driving, immensely!
This is a subject that seems to be apparent with many anxiety sufferers and is normally followed by a PTSD or a loss of someone close.
Joe's words of the 'past not being real' should be remembered when we go about our daily life.
We should chant those words on a regular basis.

[Carnation]

I woke up this morning, (sounds like a blues song), feeling like I had razors wedged in the roof of my mouth.
I've either slept with my mouth open all night, (not a pretty sight), got hayfever or going down with another cold. :(
So I had a lie in today and kept the day empty of any chores.
I can't help associating it with my car driving and the thought I may have pushed myself too far or too soon.
Mr C is much better today, so that's a relief.
I can't remember the last time I vegged out in front of the tv and find it almost impossible to find anything of interest.
Anxiety symptoms seem to be left in the background, which I now question, why? "where is it? Where's it gone? And when's it coming back?"
But for the time being, I'll just enjoy the relief.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Sorry you're not feeling well, C, but glad at least Mr. C. is improving. I was surprised to hear you talk about the feeling of razors on the roof of your mouth - I thought I was the only one who got those. Everyone else seems to refer to razors in their throat when they're getting sick.

So far, I am thrilled with the results of the one hypnotherapy session. Yesterday I got on a very familiar, comfortable highway that I know like the back of my hand, knowing my destination was only 2 exits away, but also remembering that the last time I tried it, I freaked and had to pull over to compose myself. Yesterday I did the round trip on the and was singing along to the radio and enjoying the drive.

Today, I had to run a quick errand right down the street but since I was in the car I decided to hop on the nearest on ramp to a major freeway and just go a few exits. It wasn't as pleasant as yesterday's experience, but I never "froze" in a panic attack, either. I got off an exit, found the on ramp to head home, and did. Again, no panic attack, but anxiety was there.

Then again, I'm struggling with general anxiety today anyway and, of course, am trying to find a reason why. I laid in bed leisurely enjoying the comfort and sounds of nature outside my window. Got up, took my morning meds and made my first cup of coffee. After about 30 minutes, I started feeling the pins and needles/tingly feeling of anxiety. It angered me but I tried to ignore it and forget it. Soon I was too antsy and fidgety to continue my morning reading and got up and did some yoga and meditation. It brought it down a bit. So my NEW theory today (subject to change without further notice) is that I have become more sensitized to caffeine and need to start weaning myself off of it.

I'm depressed, tired, and slightly anxious, no motivation, but maybe that's because I've only had that one cup of coffee and normally by now I would had 3, maybe 4. I'm going to have one more right now and that will be it for the day.

Thanks for being here listening to me vent, and for letting me think out loud with feedback from people who "get it".
Sue

[Carnation]

Nooooo, don't ignore it Sue. Acknowledge it and understand why you have it and then reassure the little blighter that you are ok and don't need the fear warning.
When my symptoms start to make an appearance, say for instance, the muscle twitching, which actually feels more like a convulsion at times or the pins and needles ir the crawling on the legs. I make a point of stopping in my tracks, then saying to it, "what are you doing here", then I'll have a scan of the day/week or even a future event and say, "ahh yes, it's because of that". Even tiredness can be a trigger.
But never ignore it. Yes, carry on, but silently give it an answer, preferably of reassurance.

Well done Sue with your driving and the success of your hypnotism.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Thanks for those wise words, C. But I need to stop noticing every tiny sensation of my mind and body or I will be totally consumed by this anxiety. Something is going on, I have no idea what, but this almost constant, chronic heightened anxiety for weeks now is really taking it's toll and I've had enough of it. I am now in the best place possible in my life: A great roof over my head, a wonderful husband, two wonderful grown children, pets that I adore, recently left a job I hated and now have the freedom to sleep as late as I want, do whatever I want, do nothing if I want, etc. And yet, my body is feeling all the symptoms of anxiety. My mind isn't anxious or fearful, it's SOMETHING coursing through my veins giving me all the physical symptoms of anxiety and it's really p/ssing me off!

I dropped a note to my doctor a few minutes ago (that she'll see tomorrow or Friday) suggesting that perhaps it's time to try increasing my Prozac dosage. As I've mentioned, I'm still at the same starting dose that I began with 28 years ago, and Lord knows my body, my chemistry and my weight have changed in 28 years. Not to mention there is something called "Prozac Poop Out" that states it does lose it's effectiveness and the dose needs to be increased eventually. I would think 28 years is "eventually" enough.

If she doesn't like that idea, maybe she'll want me to try a different one, and at this point I might just be willing (even though I don't know how the heck I would get off of Prozac after all these years) but something has got to work because I'm not going to keep living like this.

I am finally retired. My life is in a great place. And yet I'm afraid to drive to places I want to go, too anxious to have lunch or dinner with friends, too anxious to travel, etc. That's BS and something needs to change.

Sorry, I'm ranting, but I'm angry and often that's when I finally get things done and stuff starts to change. If we can send a man to the moon, we can find a way for me to fully enjoy my life. I'm not asking for my medical issues to be abolished, I would just like to experience some peace of mind for a few years.

Rant over.
Sue

[pulisa]

After decades of structure in a busy working environment you now don't have it anymore and free time isn't necessarily a good thing for people with an anxiety disorder especially when you are transitioning into "retirement" mode.It can be a challenging time for people without an anxiety disorder.

[Carnation]

Oh course you are angry Sue, we are all either angry or depressed or even both!
You want to get to the bottom of this, you want an explanation, you want rid!
It might even be more understandable if you had been in the midst of a war zone or stranded on a desert island, but no, you are just a person that's lead a reasonably normal life.
Unfortunately, your average GP is unknowledgeable about this condition. We've even had some on here asking for advice. They don't understand it either.
The thing is, it's not what you are doing now that affects you, it's what's been happening throughout your life.
Years ago it was not uncommon for people like us to be sent away for several months to recover. In this day and age, we carry on!
At my worst I spent 3 months living in my bedroom or sitting in the garden wrapped in a blanket staring at a growing flower that i would focus on for hours.
The good thing with you Sue, is you want to try things, you want to understand it and deal with it.
But the one thing that you are doing is trying to rush the process of healing.
You are panicking that you are labelled with this hindrance for the rest of your life. It doesn't work like that. It has to take its course and while it is, you need to be changing bits in your life to relax you.
Your personality of lets get it sorted now and let's push myself through this and get back to normal is not going to work.
Believe me, when I say that one day you will wake up with no muscle twitches or crawly sensations. They disappear as quick as they come. Only, if you allow yourself that calm and tlc.
Treat yourself, your body and mind as if you were caring for a child. Go back to basics.
I went from rocking myself on my bed and crying miserably for 3 months, to standing on my own doing a car boot amongst thousands of people.
I'm not going to sugarcoat this, anxiety will always be in the background and will exasperate during times of stress or illness, but you can lead a normal life.
Sue, what you are doing now is fearing the symptoms. You don't strike me as a fearful person at all, but you do fear the symptoms and feelings of anxiety. If not consciously, subconsciously. The thing is, you are not alone.
And Sue, you mention that you are now at a point in your life where you almost have perfection. This may even contribute to your condition. You don't really have to strive for anything any more and there is the question that deep down you may be afraid of losing that perfect life that you built over many years.
You have to find something to keep that caring/building up going. But in a more gentle laid back way.
Why do you think retirees turn to gardening and painting?
Yes, you can still do the party thing if you want or a hobby that could turn in to a part time job, but listen to your body and work with it.
If your tummy gurgles after drinking coffee, maybe it doesn't want it any more. Do you need so much now you are retired?
And if you watch stuff on the tv that affects your sleep, then change your style of viewing.
Maybe even change your style of dress. Find colours that are calming and make you feel good.
Maybe take up some gentle yoga.
Keep a diary of your feelings and thoughts to empty your overtired mind.
Most importantly, give it time. x

[Carnation]

Here is a list I made 5 years ago of all my anxiety symptoms....

Muscle twitching
Burning legs
Itchy legs
Crawling feeling up and down my legs
Shooting pains in my legs
Migraines
Ice pick headaches
Tender scalp
Sensitive eye brow area
Fuzzy eyesight
Lightheaded
Backache
Neckache
Sharp pains in the arms
Sharp pain in the chest
Severe belching
Severe passing wind
Loss of weight
Tingling fingers
Head zaps/jolts
Speaking with words mixed up
Confusion
Bright light zaps when closing eyes
Fidgeting
Unable to sleep
Obsessive yawning
Closed throat when eating
Difficulty swallowing
Heavy legs
Floaty feeling
Bloated tummy
Constipation and the opposite to that
Nausea
Nightmares
Veins pulsing out of skin
Severe dark circles under eyes
Hot sweats
Shivering
Depersonalisation
Sensitive to sound and light
Constantly tearful
Paranoid
Dry mouth
Wheezing
Tight chest
Rashes on body
Feeling faint
Flushing in face and chest
Thumb moving up and down on its own
Teeth grinding
Facial skin trembling
Feeling that something bad is about to happen
Severe increase of a fear of dying

This is the list I gave to my GP
I had ten minutes and after she read the list her comment was, "Anxiety, and sorry your time is up but here's a leaflet and number for cbt, which currently has a year's waiting time".

[Darksky]

Well, that was a sh@t response for your doctor. But typical really, they aren't medically trained to tackle this.

i agree with Pulisa, you are adapting to great change, even from a job you hated. You have time where before you didn't. Find yourself some really absorbing hobbies that will totally occupy you phsically and mentally. Learn an instrument, buy a greenhouse, write a book, grow your own veg, learn a language. If and when your symptoms show up while you're doing it, let them stay, don't get angry with them, just carry on forcusing on the task in hand. Live with them and don't fight them. We have been fighting for ever and really where has it got us.

Everyone feels angry and frustrated with this condition, we would have to be super human not to, but I think anger is a negative emotion that stokes up adrenaline. You're trying to rush the bus through from start to finish, where in reality it has to stop at several points along the way. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to stop and take stock. The physical symptoms of anxiety are not going to turn themselves off over night. So while I'm not saying wallow in them, park the bus up now and them and allow your body to take as long as it needs.

[DustingMyselfOff]

I agree, Pulisa, but needed to hear the reminder that even people without anxiety disorder struggle with anxiety and adjustments after retiring, so thank you for that reminder.

Oh Carnation, I am still in awe that you have learned so much about this disorder in spite of only having experience with it four 4 or 5 years. You are a very fast learner! Everything you say makes such perfect sense, and imagine how many more people you could help with this if you could somehow open a practice - you know SO much more about it and the treatments than any doctor or psychiatrist I have ever seen, and I've seen plenty!

I have no patience. Never have, probably never will, but I guess it's something I could work on. The hypnotherapist I saw last week had me do a lot of pre-work before I even met him - it consisted of asking a lot of questions, having me write things about myself, drawing a picture that he analyzed, and writing in cursive for 2 or 3 paragraphs so that he could then analyze my handwriting. When I walked in the door and we introduced ourselves, he then told me that what he gathered from my pre-work was that I was VERY analytical, motivated and stubborn. Correct on all 3 counts. He told me I was going to need to take off my analytical cap and learn some patience. Pretty much what you're saying, too. We then talked about my life for the next hour and he was amazed at how many traumas I've experienced, so rather than totally focus on my panic when driving on highways, he suggested we work to "de-traumatize" me a bit. I have always lived this life thinking that the things I've lived through are typical and normal, but when I share some of my experiences with people their jaws drop in shock, so I guess it was NOT a normal life. Another good reason for anxiety, but this old body doesn't have another 50 years in it to undo the 50 years of trauma. OK, time to accept I can't always get what I want when I want it. :(

I am going to go re-read your post because it was full of wise and useful words, and I need to take them to heart. I also feel like I need to mail you a check for your services, but instead I will go make a donation to the forum. Thanks to all for being here.
Sue