Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[Carnation]

You were right Sue, I did do it.
Nothing is impossible with anxiety. We just have to take a little extra care and realise our sensitivities.
I haven't worked that hard in a long time and although my anxiety was there in the background, I took the relevant rests and understood the quirks of my body and mind.
We had 3 full days of hard work, emotions and difficult travelling. So now we will have 3 days of relaxation and repair to get the balance back.
Like you say Sue, vegging out on food and lounging around sounds good to me.

[Carnation]

I had that easy day yesterday, unfortunately my mind was still in the zone of a runaway train.
I crashed out on the sofa and waited for the symptoms of anxiety to appear in the form of twitches and palpitations, but they didn't come.
We were so lazy, we didn't even do our shop and ponced a cup of sugar from our neighbour when we realised we had none.
Our cat has been sleeping like a baby and his eating is back to normal. It's such a strain on an animal, especially when the house must have appeared to be folding down around him.
Slept a bit better last night and we now have to do that shop we didn't do yesterday.
And it's properly a good idea we get some air.
My mind still can't get to grips with my ability to cope with all that. I had a few minor glitches and a weird fainting feeling when we stopped at a petrol station for a wee on the way home, but so did Mr C, he just didn't say anything at the time to keep me from not worrying.
If I am honest with my thoughts, there isn't a day goes by when I think I am going to die or something bad is going to happen and I don't mean that to sound depressing because I am very much a live life to the full person.
I obsess over my health and still constantly check that I look ok in the mirror.
To shut the mind off from these haunting thoughts I have found near enough impossible, as are the unexplained pains, twitches, head rushes and so on.
Distraction does help immensely, but it doesn't cure the thoughts.
If I was the sort of person who didn't care about dying and pain or loss, then I really don't think those thoughts would affect me or even be there.
They are feeding off the fear and fear is powerful. It can alter your functions in seconds and that is where the 'fight or flight' is born.
It is also impossible to cocoon yourself in safety permanently as the thought process is still there.
So I have learnt to carry on as best as normal, because I'm no worse off for just doing that.
The only thing I have grown to change is balance in my life. Not to slog it out at an unruly pace, to take time to stop and take it in, to give myself that tlc that it needs, to not skip meals and turn to that glass of wine every time I am stressed, which is a lot!
To allow myself to laugh and smile when I have done well and realise that one in three people I meet are suffering similar to myself or much worse.
And that I don't have to feel alone as there is always someone out there to help if needed.
So after my 4 days of hard work of climbing up and down the stairs carrying heavy loads and moving stuff all day long, nothing bad happened to me. Yeah, I had that weird "I'm going to pass out" feeling in the petrol station, but I'd just been on a three hour car journey with thunder and lightening chasing me.
And I didn't pass out. The feeling was seconds and it's the fear that makes it feel longer.
In a few weeks time, we are moving in to our new home which we have been preparing in a leisurely fashion.
I see it as a fresh start, new beginning, excitement, decluttering and life to be lived and enjoyed.
Anxiety may want to come with me and I have a spare cardboard box for when it appears, but my life is mine and nothing is taking that away from me!

[DustingMyselfOff]

Another very inspiring post. You are a very wise woman. I don't think you are done "recovering" from your stressful trip yet, but as you said, you are ready and prepared for whatever hits, whenever it hits. And when you do feel like the nasty anxiety is creeping up to an uncomfortable level, will you know that it's a by-product of your trip or will it be from something different? THAT is the hardest part for me. I want fact, reasons, logic, and pattern so that I can be in control. I have not yet (and probably never will) be able to accept that this is something I cannot control. I will analyze it to death, which only makes the mind race more and escalates the anxiety.

I was very antsy and anxious yesterday but refused to take a mild tranquilizer. Even though I know I probably should take one, I feel like I want to "get through" these times without it. Which then just makes the anxiety grow like a snowball rolling down a hill. I did give in and have a small glass of wine at night to ease it up a little, but I even hesitate to do that - I'm not much of a drinker and I just consider that a crutch or a "cheat" like a tranquilizer.

Today I am slightly sick to my stomach, and VERY tired (even though I slept well). No ambition, no energy, not dancing around the house like I do some days. So is it just "one of thoese days" that "normal" people even have (but don't obsess about)? Or is it a crash from the few days of very high mood and energy I had? Or is it the side affect of me increasing my Prozac dose? I'll never know, and what I need to work on is not caring WHY it's happening.

Anyway, be proud and happy that the three of you are home safe, survived, and got it done. Recover for a while, accept what comes, and move onto the next challenge. It's all we can do, right?
Sue

[Carnation]

In answer to your question Sue. I think the anxiety would have attacked me yesterday when I was so chilled if it was going to. And I've always said that hard work is not a killer, but stress is the one to watch.
Although I was stressed with the journey and anxiety hit me hard when getting out of the car.
Long journeys and motorways do not sit well with me, after a horrendous accident when BMW 5 Series rammed the back of my car and smashed it into a right off.
So that's my trigger and I am aware of that.
I'm actually at my best when I have a project/task or even more so when I am learning something new.
As for your tiredness? There must be something in the atmosphere, because everyone I spoke to said they felt tired. A transition from high pressure to low pressure can also do this.
And yes, feeling not in control will bother you, but to a certain extent you are. All you need is the tools that suit you and the mindset to deal with it and I have no doubt that you will master both.
As for medication. I don't take any, but I understand the need to do so. It's been harder for me without the support of meds as it takes the edge off.
But in my opinion, meds can help, but don't cure.
When you have not such a good day, don't take it as a decline. Use it to your benefit and ride with it in the form of chillin, because when you feel better, you will feel more energised to do the stuff you want to do.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Yup, that's me, too. Give me a challenge, a busy schedule, and put a deadline on something important and I will rise and excel and fly through it like the most confident, vivacious person you've ever met. But afterwards, I need my crash. That's why when I was working full time I was a dynamo at the job, but needed my weekends to myself, no commitments or plans, preferably no one even talking to me, to recharge my batteries. Then the job started to creep into my weekends, too, so I was not getting much, if any, of my recovery/downtime. It was time to quit.

I went so many years fighting this without meds and eventually wasn't able to find a way out of the darkness that got worse and worse, and I had pretty much become agoraphobic. Meds got me out of the house, gave me my life back, and I lived a "normal life" for many years. Then my body changed, meds didn't work anymore, etc. but thank God things have never gotten as bad as they were back then when I was trapped in the house.

I don't know if I will ever get to the point of not looking at a bad day as a decline. If I have a good day or a few, and then have a bad day, I am totally devastated. Guess I need to work on that. Plus, I want to control which days are good and which are bad so that I don't embarrass myself while I'm out or with other people. I know, impossible, and that's the other thing I need to work on.

I guess what stumps and frustrates me the most is that I do not feel any emotional or psychological stress these days, but the physical symptoms still show up. I'm happy with my life! I have very little stress or anxiety right now, but out of nowhere, I will get hit with a sudden surge of adrenaline or cortisol which is VERY uncomfortable, and that sets off the emotional anxiety. Anyway, it will never be as bad as it used to be, so for that I am grateful. I just feel like there is something physical going on triggering these attacks, but even if I find the answer and "fix it", it will then probably become something else that triggers it. I should accept that this is my destiny.
Sue

[Carnation]

I wouldn't say 'destiny' Sue. It's more a condition you are in presently. Nerve damage no matter how small will take time to heal and if we don't allow it that time and have more and more things in life to halt the healing process, there will be sections of suffering.
I was told by a top psychiatrist that I would need to go 2 years without any stress or trauma to recover.
At the time I was filled with hope because I thought that was me for dead the way I was feeling. Shortly after that my Dad died and I thought, "oh no, that's added another year on to my recovery. Then mum went a couple of years later. And this is what life does to you and you just don't get the scenario for proper healing.
Think of it like having a tooth out every month. How the pain, the uncomfortable feeling, the sadness you feel, the difficulty in eating, going out in public, when you still feel the nerve pinching you. Now imagine what that could be like in your brain. It's been overworked, traumatised, woken up when it should be resting.
The brain wants to go back to basics like when you were a child. It wants to play games, sing, dance, sit in the sun, walk in the woods. We basically need to give our brains a holiday and we just don't do that. We might for a few hours, but it's not enough. Therefore it tells you in the form of signs sent to our body.
There's no fancy cure, the repair is quite basic.
We are all so eager to rush recovery that we never fully recover and we are all guilty of that.
The moment we start to feel a bit better off we go and wonder why we have a relapse or bad day.
Baby steps, then grow like a child and build back slowly.
I know stuff in life may prevent you from doing that, but that's sort of where we need to be.

[DustingMyselfOff]

I wouldn't say 'destiny' Sue. It's more a condition you are in presently. Nerve damage no matter how small will take time to heal and if we don't allow it that time and have more and more things in life to halt the healing process, there will be sections of suffering.
I was told by a top psychiatrist that I would need to go 2 years without any stress or trauma to recover.
At the time I was filled with hope because I thought that was me for dead the way I was feeling. Shortly after that my Dad died and I thought, "oh no, that's added another year on to my recovery. Then mum went a couple of years later. And this is what life does to you and you just don't get the scenario for proper healing.
Think of it like having a tooth out every month. How the pain, the uncomfortable feeling, the sadness you feel, the difficulty in eating, going out in public, when you still feel the nerve pinching you. Now imagine what that could be like in your brain. It's been overworked, traumatised, woken up when it should be resting.
The brain wants to go back to basics like when you were a child. It wants to play games, sing, dance, sit in the sun, walk in the woods. We basically need to give our brains a holiday and we just don't do that. We might for a few hours, but it's not enough. Therefore it tells you in the form of signs sent to our body.
There's no fancy cure, the repair is quite basic.
We are all so eager to rush recovery that we never fully recover and we are all guilty of that.
The moment we start to feel a bit better off we go and wonder why we have a relapse or bad day.
Baby steps, then grow like a child and build back slowly.
I know stuff in life may prevent you from doing that, but that's sort of where we need to be.

I'm sitting here literally shaking my head at how you always have the perfect, common sense words to say and always at exactly the time I need to hear them! It makes perfect sense the way you explain it - so simple, so basic, yet sometimes so hard to accomplish.

I guess the other thing I need to realize and pay attention to is things that cause me stress that I don't recognize as stress. I have been researching and test-driving new vehicles for the past two weeks, battling with dealers and juggling numbers of purchase versus leasing, down payments, finance rates, etc. I find it an exciting process but now I realize it's probably been stressing my mind. It's frustrating, scary, etc.

I once had a therapist tell me that I have a habit of down-playing traumas in my life, and things that have happened to me that would cause others to be traumatized for life, I shake off as "no big deal". I guess that's a coping mechanism I learned early: shove it down and don't feel the detrimental affects and pretend it's all fine.

Thanks for the wise words. Off to finalize a car deal!
Sue

[Carnation]

We may be related Sue, I also have played down past traumatic incidents.
I had a TIA, (mini stroke) and left me with a dragging leg for a month 15 years ago and I was working the next day and driving, which I had no idea that you were not supposed to do!
Same with my miscarriage. As soon as I was awake and had the tea and biscuit, I was getting dressed before I had the all clear. Turned up for work the next day feeling dreadful and got sent home. :(
But now, I feel the need to cocoon and nurse myself from the feelings of anxiety.
I worry about things that wouldn't have worried me before.
I get frustrated that I feel trapped and burdened by the way I feel. I even feel cheated that my life has been stolen from me in the sense of worrying and bad thoughts.
For me, something seemed to change very quickly. Maybe I ignored the signs along the way. Maybe I didn't get enough rest/sleep. Maybe as a child I was growing in that direction and maybe past traumas have mounted up in to what I feel now.
I get tired quickly, I scare easily and there's stuff going on throughout my body I just don't understand.
And to a certain extent, I still brush it aside and carry on, but once you've had panic attacks that resemble a heart attack and told its just anxiety, you think, "well, that must be one mighty powerful thing to do that to you".
Then you think, "How do I get rid of it?" no one wants something like that hanging around.
And mainly GPs and Docs don't seem to have a friggin answer.
You will be told by various walks of life to do regular breathing exercises, cut out caffeine, stop drinking and smoking, eat lots of fruit and veg, get regular sleep and exercuse, meditate, cbt, mindfulness, acupuncture, tapping, yoga, loose weight, gain weight, take time off, get a pet, de-clutter, take lots of medication, oh I could go on all day, but you get my drift.
And yes, the improvement is there, but it doesn't completely go away.
Just when you are feeling more normal and say for instance meeting a friend in a cafe. There you are sitting there and head rush, hot flush and adrenalin running through your legs.
You try to stay calm and appear normal, but you can't help thinking, "what's going on, why do I feel like this when I doing something relaxing?"
So there are, fearful again that the episode is going to lead in to something more scary and next time you get an invite to meet a friend, you think, "well I don't want to feel like that again, maybe I won't go".
And there you have it, anxiety has taken control of you.
Not because you are weak or ill, because you are fearful.
So in my opinion, and it is just an opinion, we either need to eliminate the amount of fear we feel and/or rewire our thought /reaction process. Both of which can take some time and unfortunately some uncomfortable situations in the process.
We can't erase our memories or experiences, but we can change how we react to future ones.
All being said, that sounds easy in theory, but in practice quite a lot harder to do.
If you can overcome just one thing that haunts you, then you have achieved a massive step to controlling your life.
Like I say, "baby steps" and don't rush time.

P. S. Sue, sounds like you are having fun with the cars. Keep the 'fun' element in play and it will be a breeze. x

[DustingMyselfOff]

Yes, perhaps you are my soul sister. Or perhaps everyone with this type of past and anxiety issue are soul-siblings. I had an ex-husband who terrorized me for years, just a few examples, holding a gun to my head, choking me, calling me nightly at all hours telling me in detail what he was going to do to me and my children, and then ultimately cutting our phone lines, smashing our window, and crawling in to kill us. Fortunately we survived it all and I was out grocery shopping later in the day and was in the office the next day, telling the story as if I were describing a trip to the zoo, even though everyone had read about it in the local newspapers. No big deal - what's for lunch?

The car shopping experience culminated in a long, awful day. Me and hubby made our final decision Friday night, I had already been pre-approved for a loan so that part was done, and I got up early Saturday so that I could go pick it up and spend the day learning it's features. I asked the dealer to send me the final purchase order so I could go to the credit union to get the check. The price was $4000 higher than we had agreed upon. Back to the frustration, anger and negotiations, with me and my husband working our calculators and asking the dealer why the change and discrepancy and listening to the usual double-talk. Credit agency was pinging me stating that they were closing in one hour and if I were to do this today, I had to get there now. Hubby and I hadn't decided yet what to do about the change in price but had already had our hearts set on this particular car in a very rare color of which there are very few. Dealer was telling me he was going to need to let the car go to another potential buyer. Gotta love high-pressure sales tactics.

I got lost in the mumbo jumbo of financial terms and surcharges and taxes and fees, went on overload, and had to walk away. All I could manage to ask my husband was: "do I go to the credit union before they close or don't I?" He told me to start heading there and he would meet me there ASAP.

Oh, the fun. SO much paperwork, so many add-ons that the credit union wanted to sell me, and by now my anxiety was already high and I was feeling physically ill. Husband joined me right before they closed and had managed to get the price of the car back down again. Another hour of getting the finances worked out because her system wasn't cooperating.

When we finally left there with the check, I was too wiped out and sick to go get the car. I went home instead to lie down and eat something. Then the calls from the dealer started because they had someone else waiting on my car. I got myself there somehow (my head was in a total fog and blur to the point I had a hard time driving) and then began the 4-hour process of car buying. I spent 2 hours with the salesman showing me each and every feature of the car I needed to learn (don't think I retained any of it), and then an hour waiting for the finance manager to sit with me because they were so busy, and then another hour with him trying to sell me all the additional warranties and add ons. By the time I left there with the new car, I could barely drive.

Fun, right? So there she sits, in the driveway, deal done, but I have no strength or energy to enjoy her. Maybe tomorrow. I really think the increase in Prozac is doing it's number on me, the past few days I have not been able to stay awake. I'm not a nap person but I have been falling asleep each time I sit down to relax and want to keep a blanket over my head and never get up. I do remember this part from 30 years ago, so this too shall pas (right?)

Sorry to ramble, and I really feel maybe we should take some of these posts to email because we are clogging up this forum with our personal daily challenges, but I guess if the moderators don't mind, it's OK?

I agree we need to give ourselves healing time and patience, but at this age, I don't know if I have that much time! I want to start enjoying life while my body is still able!
Sue

[Carnation]

Oh my, oh my Sue. (Obviously dumbed that down for public ears).
It just goes to show what a strong and determined person you are. Your fight for survival and safety is your priority.
It also tells me how the need to make a nice home, have nice things and live life to give yourself those comforts and happiness.
Your experience with your car purchasing is not uncommon at all. We had a similar experience when leasing a couple of Company cars many years ago and other half wanted to upgrade. Anyway, they ballsed up the paperwork, wanted the car back because they apparently had it earmarked for someone else. We couldn't get our original car back because they had sold it on. There was nothing else they could offer us and if we didn't return it, they threatened 'Police', even though none of it was our fault.
So what started as a pleasurable decision, turned in to a miserable mess!
But you did really well to get through all that and you do exactly what I do. When it gets too hot in the kitchen, walk away.
I'm sorry you had to go through that horrendous experience in your previous marriage. It's definitely not something we envisage in our lives.
I can imagine a Therapist gripping on to that and secretly smiling because they've found the reason/cause for your anxiety.
Personally I think it is purely an add on to a condition already bred. But that's just my opinion.
I had a rough time when I moved in with a so-called boyfriend who turned out to be a manic depressive and prone to taking substances.
It was hell in earth. We lived with the windows blacked out most of the time and days on end with him lying in bed. That I could just about cope with, but he wanted to control me too! What I wore, ate, associated with and so on.
We'd have days on end of no communication and as time passed he made my life hell.
One day I got the courage to leave, even though I was on a low myself. He still used to follow me around and haunt me until I met someone else. But you can't forget bad experiences so easily.
I think everyone has a bad story to tell, some more horrific than others, like yourself Sue.
You seem to have the strength to change things if you are in danger and that will always be with you.

So, the day before yesterday I experienced my anxiety crash in the form of overwhelming tiredness. Which was weird because I had been taking things easier.
This is why anxiety is so unpredictable. You expect the muscle twitching and all the trimmings to arrive and then it shows up in some other form.
On the third day after returning from our harrowing trip, there it was. A huge wave of feeling like I was weighed down by a load of bricks and could hardly hold my head up. I completely understood the reason as I was expecting something, but as 3 days had passed, I thought I was out of the woods so to speak.
So if you can have delay in a situation like that, then you can have a delayed reaction to other events in your life.
That's why we get confused and think things like, "why are my muscles twitching today?" When it could be related to something last week /month, even years!
It's like the body /mind processes trauma or stress when it can, not when it should.
I remember my mum telling me that when she had a mastectomy and was in the recovery period. (It was 3 months initially of no lifting or overdoing it). She felt no physical issues but mental ones. About 4 or 5 months later, she felt something happening from inside of her body. She couldn't explain it, but it frightened her and rushed back to see the doctor.
He explained it was a normal reaction to body trauma and her organs and inners were adjusting to what had happened and could take up to 2 years to settle.
As I see it, the same could apply to anxiety and would therefore explain why we experience the symptoms when we are not even in the zone of threat/trauma /stress/loss..
Bodies and mind need time and unfortunately we are all too much in a hurry to race time for the fact of mortality!