Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Wow, there was so much great reading to catch up on - thanks to all for that! Carnation: 12 shops!?!?!? And trying on clothing and shoes!?!?!? Who are you and what have you done with the Carnation we know! I, too, have some incredible days where I feel completely like a "normal" person and obviously enjoy the feeling, but then I start to obsess on how and why I had a good day (so that I can re-create it) and I analyze it to death which is not good for anxiety. So not only do I examine my bad days, I even tear apart my good ones. Maybe we need to "accept" that we will all have both kinds of days and that there isn't always a rhyme or reason for it. As many doctors have told me (both medical doctors as well as psychiatric ones), we ALL have cycles and phases of good days and bad days, no one is the same every day. I need to just roll with the flow and stop trying to figure everything out.

The last week was insanely busy and I did pretty well with most of it. I spent 12 hours at my sister's house Friday (since my west coast daughter, husband and two grandchildren were staying at her home for their east coast visit) and I hosted a dinner that night for 18 people to all come visit while the kids were in town. I did great and never ran out of energy, even after chasing a toddler all day and night. The next morning me and hubby hit the road for 2.5 hours to babysit while my daughter attended a friend's wedding. About 4:00 that day I got hit with overwhelming exhaustion, really thought my body couldn't move, but of course you force yourself when people are counting on you. It was a rough night, watching a 2 year old and a 7 month old in a tiny hotel room. The baby never stopped crying for almost the entire 6 hours (very attached to his Mom right now) and I could not wait for that night to end. The next morning me and hubby excused ourselves from the wedding brunch and just hit the road, another 2.5 hours of driving. When I got home, I hit the couch and didn't leave till the next morning. The next morning I got ready, got in my car, and drove myself to my sister's house to spend the day with my kids. The highway ride was "OK". I did not have the usual panic attack but I did feel nervous. I think the hypnosis session really worked. I spent another 12 hours there playing with the kids and being a grandma, and then about midnight drove myself home. THAT was not fun. I was tired, anxious, couldn't see well, and was on the verge of a panic attack the entire 35 minute ride home. I was very disappointed because I had hoped the hypnosis was a magic cure that would work forever, every time, but apparently being exhausted, full of coffee, and over-stimulated over-rules benefits of hypnosis. But still, I never did pull over on the highway, I white-knuckled it all the way home. The next day, hubby took the day off and we both went and spent the day with the kids, said our final farewells that night, and cried all the way home. Needless to say, I was a vegetable and couch potato the next day.

ANYWAY, I would say there were many more enjoyable times than there were exhausted, anxious ones, but I still wondered often why I was feeling some of the things I was feeling, like eyes not focusing correctly, and being overwhelmed with exhaustion at times. Logically, it makes sense, but I still want to be a "normal" person who can go all day and night and always be relaxed and happy. (Is that a fantasy?)

I'm so jealous that you have cows, Mrs. D!!!!! Can I come live with you???? That would be my perfect world: live on lots of property with animals everywhere, never worry about putting on makeup and nice clothes, rolling out of bed and into the chicken coop and cow pasture, and only going into town when absolutely necessary. Hmmmmmmm , perhaps if hubby ever loses his job and we are forced to leave this house, that can be my goal: find property somewhere cheap that I can have lots of animals and live in a shack. Well, it would have to be an air-conditioned shack, there are some things I can NOT give up.

So here's to all of us, having the strength and courage to keep pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones, but remembering to surrender and be kind to ourselves sometimes, too.
Sue

[Carnation]

Wow, to you Sue
What an eventful time you have had and you kept going and got through it all.
Exhaustion and stress can definitely kick off anxiety, it sort of leaves a window open for it to creep back in, but it doesn't necessarily mean it can stay with you.
Unfortunately just a glimmer of those feelings is enough to make us fearful and give us that not nice feeling.
I also find that in times of holding it together its sometimes the last leg of what we are doing that anxiety pops up.
But you still managed and braved it and licked your wounds after. You gave yourself a well earned rest and deservedly so.
Maybe the hypnotism does help you and it was just a case of a heavy schedule, excitement, stress and exhaustion.
Don't get too despondent, you are doing really well. x

[Carnation]

I have to say the '12 shops' two days ago astounded me too. Normally one shop would have me quivering, but that day, I seemed to be anxiety free and an abundance of confidence.
The weather has taken a turn and turned into cold, wet and very windy. My body seems to want to hibernate thinking it's more like October than June.
So I'm using this time to do jobs around the place which includes more unpacking of boxes.
It does seem to go on forever and we are rapidly running out of space! So basically we are moving stuff from the garage to the loft.
I want to make room in the garage for hobbies.
I've had a sewing machine for years and my aim was to make stuff and recycle clothes. My thoughts that on days I have too much adrenalin I can release it on the machine.
I also need space for my drawing and painting and I'm sure Mr C will have some ideas for uses himself.
But at the moment it looks like a B & Q warehouse.
I had an invitation to go for tea at an old neighbours house for today. Just reading the text filled me with a pit in my stomach. As you know I've challenged doing these before but I really don't enjoy them. Anxiety or no anxiety.
The thought of sitting there on show being hammered by personal questions and drinking stewed tea with someone's homemade cake that looks as if they forgot to put half the ingredients in, just fills me with dread.
On that note, I have given my excuses and relieved myself of any possible torture.
I remember about ten years ago, one of my staff at the time invited me to dinner which I graciously accepted.
When I arrived at her home I immediately saw that she had a hoarding and clutter problem and that was backed up when she had to pull a chair out which was buried beneath piles of magazines, newspapers, knitting and bits of God knows what.
My eyes where then penetrated towards the kitchen area and was curious to know how she was going to perform whipping up a meal amongst more clutter.
So my brain decided for me and told me I wasn't going to eat it. As I looked around the room I could see several potted plants and as they too were camouflaged with more stuff, I did think I could bury my offerings in there.
But I couldn't do that. "Think, think!" Sounds awful, but in the end I made up an excuse that I had a queasy stomach come on and asked if it was ok just to have some toast.
The woman turned out to be more worried about me and my tummy troubles than eating the dish that she'd prepared and commented on how she had enough for two nights meals now.
Never be afraid to not do something that you don't feel comfortable with. Sometimes it turns out a much better result than you imagine.

[DustingMyselfOff]

One of the things I keep grappling with is wanting to be more sociable (like "normal" people) or accepting the fact that I've never enjoyed it and that it will always be more of a struggle and chore and just stop trying. The thought of giving up on becoming a social person fills me with relief and happiness, but the other part of me wonders if I am missing out on a lot of good things by not getting out there. On the days when I am feeling well and confident, I start reaching out to people and making all kinds of tentative plans with them, and then the next day I am filled with dread and anxiety wondering what I've done and how to get out of it. So I keep bouncing around between being the happy, relaxed, social person who wants to maintain friendships and the person who wants to realize it will never be a regular part of her life and just wants to let the friends slowly slip away.

And I marvel at the employee of yours who had the courage to invite you to dinner even though she had a clutter/cleanliness problem. I am so insecure about letting anyone in my house for fear that they will see something unfavorable that I make every excuse to not have anyone over, not even my own kids. I never was a domestic diva and never will be. I think others have accepted that, I wish I could, too.

Sorry about the cold weather you're having. We've had beautiful, warm sunny days and I have been wishing for a rain storm so that I wouldn't feel guilty about not being out there enjoying the outdoors like I think I should be.
Sue

[Carnation]

Sue, with socialising, it should be about what you choose to do and not what you feel obliged to do.
So many of us see a lot of socialising as a duty and sometimes can be very uncomfortable for us.
Socialising should be something we enjoy, not dread.
And it covers a wide spectrum of events from a cup of tea at a neighbours to restaurants and parties and more.
Who you are with also has a lot to do with it as you will know even family members can make you cringe with feelings of unworthiness or just feeling uncomfortable.
You can still socialise but on your terms, half the battle is feeling comfortable with what you do, where and when.
I personally don't like the feeling of entrapment or being out of control and definitely no surprises.
Again, one of examples a couple of years ago when a neighbour invited me and Mr C for a Christmas drink, we were met by over 50 people which threw me in to panic and I carefully slipped away after ten minutes because I just found it to unbearable and wasn't prepared for that many people to be there.
Our neighbour for whatever reason didn't mention it was a party and not an intimate occasion.

Going back to the occasion with the dinner invite with the employee. Under no circumstances do I think any less of someone because they have clutter and disarray in their lives. But, I am the opposite and clutter makes me feel uncomfortable to the point of being ill.
I have a partner with a clutter problem and won't throw anything out and has clothes that haven't fitted him for decades, buys lots of useless junk, won't throw away a magazine and keeps books that he has already read.
We are like opposites that try to meet in the middle.
This lady I had dinner with, or rather didn't, was a very nice person and I was warned of her condition, but went anyway because I thought it was the right decision at the time. I wasn't prepared for the sheer amount that met me on my arrival.
As I walked through the hallway I had difficulty doing so as both sides were piled high with boxes to the ceiling. The bathroom was the same and I could rest my elbows each side of the loo on yet more boxes. And the boxes kept coming and when asked to take a seat, I couldn't, yet more boxes prevented me for doing so. The lady apologised that we could not eat on the table, because we just couldn't use it for so much stuff that adorned it.
This was before my days of my anxiety diagnosis but even then I had palpitations and felt very uncomfortable.
The lady seemed to be unaware of just how much stuff she had accumulated and I wasn't going to make her feel inferior by mentioning it too her when I was there.
I like to be truthful more so than the average person, but this was an occasion that I could not speak my mind.
I was honoured to be invited, she was a lovely person and I had no doubt if I had commented she would have been hurt.
I've known many people with a clutter problem that has gone beyond the point of living comfortably and they are all very nice people. However, most of these people were also living with depression or self worth. Even recovering from grief and have not been able to deal with it.
I remember this lady mentioning her mother on quite a few occasions and if I had been the person I am today I would have been more in tune with the whys and wherefores. But, I was there as a guest and not as a critic or a therapist. And she did seem a happy person.
There are reasons for everything and no one should be judged for the way we live. The person is the most important issue, but when two opposites come together, it is an interesting situation that both sides may struggle with as I did on that occasion.
I could also explain why I cry when I go in to the garage to be met by dozens and dozens of boxes!!!!!

[Carnation]

Those horrific bites /stings I got healed up nicely, even the one that resembled something like The Terminator might adorn. But. I've had more since then and managed to get one on my neck which appeared in its pain during the night and it woke me up thinking I had some sort of gland problem until I looked in the mirror and saw the mark of yet another sting/bite.
That's health anxiety for you, automatically think the worst scenario, investigate it, even take photos of it, ask as many people as you can for an opinion, do more research on it, feel sorry for yourself, check again to make doubly sure it isn't life threatening, then take to your bed or sofa until it goes away only getting up to keep checking the progress of the 'thing' and maybe give it a prod, squeeze and take more photos to see if there's an improvement on the last one.
So instead of doing all that, I'm going to find some things to do to occupy my mind and keep me from over obsessing. Whether it's reading, watching a film, baking a cake, having a long soak in the bath or rearranging your sock drawer. It's much more healthier than letting your mind over obsess.
The weather is beyond dreadful, typical British summer, not at all like last year. 13c today, that's colder than some of our winter months and I'm beginning to think I may have been too hasty packing away my winter woollies.
Who knows with UK weather, in two weeks time we might be complaining of a heatwave, but this up and down temperature is like having ten summers and winters all in one year.
Waves of exhaustion......
I get them, out of the blue, not necessarily when I've had a busy day or little sleep, they just come and hit you like a wet fish slapped across your face.
They also come when you could be out and about, sitting relaxing or when you've just got up.
Why? I have no idea and it would make more sense if you'd just spent a gruelling day gardening, but they come unexplained and sometimes badly timed.
One thing though, there's no point in fighting them, if your brain is tired, then let it have its rest. You'd be surprised how a five or ten minute shut-eye can rejuvenate you.
I've always liked the Continental siesta approach from 2pm-4pm, chill, eat, rest and nap and ready to go for the rest of the day In the Uk you'd be lucky to get 30 minutes, if that!
I rarely got more than ten minutes when working full time and by the time I eventually got home I was good for nothing.
I found that it is really important to give yourself breaks or slowdown otherwise you become non productive and end up achieving very little as well as make mistakes.
This became clear in my 18 hour shifts running a pub. And once we altered our working hours into a more humane situation, the working time became more productive and even enjoyable.
I don't have a job anymore, but I try to apply the same to other things I do now. Which is difficult for me to do because I like to finish a job now! But I know I'll pay the price for it and end up feeling stressed and exhausted.
So be kind to your body and mind because it has to last you a very long time.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Thanks for the reminder to go through and delete the photos on my phone of different bumps and bruises on my body that I was "monitoring".

Very timely post about the unexpected bouts of fatigue. THOSE are what I obsess on the most lately and, of course, I am constantly trying to figure out a rhyme or reason for them so I can stop them from happening. It is so disruptive and concerning to have them happen at inconvenient times and could ultimately be dangerous. It happened twice during my babysitting crusade/visit from my children, and even though it was very distressing (I was responsible for the two young children and at times felt like I might just collapse) at least I had a good REASON for those bouts. But when they happen during calm, peaceful times when nothing out of the ordinary is going on, it distresses me. So I'm glad to hear it happens to others, too, and maybe I just need to accept that I'm not 30 years old anymore, and these kinds of things happen? I mean, I do often hear of people my age (or younger) who actually take naps every day, so maybe it's not so unusual to have these unexpected bouts? Still, I want everything on a schedule and everything needs to have a reason or I can't accept it. It's one of the reasons that I don't ever want to totally eliminate caffeine from my life: there may be times when I absolutely need to use it to get through a difficult situation. I have cut way back on caffeine but don't ever want to give it up totally or I will be too sensitive to it when I do have some, either accidentally or intentionally. Everything in moderation.... I'm done with the days of giving up things to an extreme.

I'm not sure if I like or dislike the new me I'm becoming: lazy. I am cancelling or postponing appointments that I would have done without a second thought six months ago. I guess I need to stick to my plan of taking 6 months of retirement to see how I deal with it, and THEN decide if I need a schedule and routine in my day or if I'm OK with just taking each day as it comes. I've been off work for 3 months now, halfway to evaluating if being a retired person is for me or not.
Sue

[Carnation]

Personally, I don't think the bouts of fatigue have anything to do with age. I can recall as a teenager and growing older also being swept by an incredible urge to lie down as if I'd been running for miles.
I think it is more to do with adrenalin rushes, nervousness, poor sleep and poor digestion.
Although my visits to the GP in those days were few and far between and all my checks were normal. It did cross my mind that it may be something to do with my sugar levels, but they came out ok, even in latter life and calling the emergency services during what seemed like a heart attack and turned out to be a panic attack, my sugar level was normal again as it is with so many people that suffer with fatigue.
So what could it be?
I've eliminated a good diet and plenty of fluids.
Also exercise and weight. I'm neither under or over the satisfactory weight for my height and frame.
All organs seem to be normal, except for my brain. so could it be brain related? Could be. The brain gets tired, sends messages to the body to slow it down, even shut it down. I have this when I'm normally on the phone to BT or talking on the phone to my critical aunt on one of those hour long calls. I seem to be able to work 2 hours solid in the garden which leaves me energised, but put me on a phone with an uncomfortable situation and I'm good for nothing.
Or the other reason I thought of is poor sleep.
I'm not taking into consideration late nighters, but the quality of sleep when we do so.
There seems to be a pattern in my fatigue as well, normally between the time 4pm - 7pm. At 11pm I'm wide awake, so it's a difficult one to work out and solve and find my only solution is to adapt to it when it arises.

Sue, in my personal opinion I think retirement needs time to adjust and I don't believe that stopping and doing nothing is good for the soul or body. A gradual approach and trying different things that suit you so you get an even balance of work, rest and play.
Because of anxiety and panic I retired 5 years ago, but to my mind I haven't stopped working. I've been a carer to family members up until a year ago and that's harder than going to work.
When that came to an end I took up a few hobbies I've been wanting to do for some time and the rest of the time I try to use as spur of the moment things to keep the soul alive. I don't have any more free time than before but it is my time to do with as I wish.

[DustingMyselfOff]

I think part of the reason why I feel the unexpected "exhaustion attacks" now more than when I was working and running myself ragged is because I actually have the chance to feel those now. When I was a non-stop whirlwind (stressful job for too many hours a week and then trying to maintain household the other hours) I ran on pure adrenaline. Now that there are less demands on me, my body is taking what it needs. And it's probably still doing a lot of catch-up from the years of not ever getting a break. Because even though I had times when I thought there was no way I could possibly find the energy to get up and go to the children, I DID find it, and I did what I had to and good old adrenaline got me through until the next time I had the luxury of crashing. And yes, anxiety and adrenaline are exhausting, not just the physical energy I expelled.

So regular sleep schedule, good diet, moderate exercise, regular physical check-ups.... not sure what more we can do except accept and listen to our bodies?
Sue

[Carnation]

A little catch up on my days.
Yesterday I was good for nothing. No energy, eyes not focusing properly, my body seemed to ache everywhere. Throat was sore, head was tender, but at the same time I couldn't relax, sleep or settle with anything.
Today, I was a different person, full of vigour, got lots done, loads of energy, not sleepy, throat has healed, no aches.
It appears I am two different people in one body.
The only thing that changed was I had a good and long night's sleep.