Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[DustingMyselfOff]

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Sue, I admire the way you deal with stuff and you turn into a power machine when problems arise. That's your survival mode kicking in. You have great determination, masses of curiosity and a lust for life. Thanks, and I think a lot of that causes me to be my own worst enemy.

But you are still tending to look in to the future too much.
Make plans by all means, but plans can get changed. Try to be a bit more spontaneous, because I think your work has left you with still organising everything including the future.
You can still organise house stuff, but personal stuff needs to be more off the cuff, otherwise your life will just be one long line of events being ticked off like a schedule. Wow..... very powerful words - this statement turned on a light bulb and hit me like a ton of bricks! Yes - I do look at my life as a list of events to be checked off before I can relax and be happy! Apparently my idea of happiness and relaxation is never having to keep a commitment or be somewhere with other people. I have a terrible fear of letting them down by not being what they want or having to cancel due to illness or anxiety. I feel like if I could have no future plans that involve other people I could truly be happy. That sounds like I want to be a hermit who lives in a cave which I'm sure is not healthy, but yes, the number one anxiety-provoker is worrying about what others will think. Will I act appropriately while there? Will I get ill or too anxious to attend and have to mess up their plans by cancelling? You've really struck on something that I need to focus on and work on because I think it's key to my recovery! And I'll bet I would eagerly make more plans with others if I weren't so worried about possibly cancelling and letting them down!

Remember that trip you and Mr D took to the coast and had an ice cream leaning on the car? More of that! Yup. That was an off-the-cuff idea, and I can clearly see that if I had suggested this outing to my husband even one day earlier, I would have been subconsciously stressing about it from the moment I mentioned it, now looking at it as a commitment, something I was locked into, and now it becomes a chore and "an event that needs to be ticked off".

For example, my daughter-in-law mentioned to me a few days ago that we should get together for a bit today (social and business). It has been nagging at me in the back of my mind since she mentioned it and I have been dreading it getting closer and so much looking forward to it being done and over with. That way, the only future plan I have to worry about is the trip across country.

So if you have advice as to how to work on this problem, I'm all ears, but realizing that it is a big part of my anxiety is a great first step to dealing with it. So thank you, as usual, for clearly seeing something I was blind to.

I had a blissfully cool day.
What a difference. I felt better, got some chores done, actually managed to wear clothes without sweating. I could go outside, breathe more comfortably, not wear a hat that actually makes you feel hotter and cook in the kitchen without breaking out in to a sweat.
I've also slept better the last couple of nights. Thank goodness - that is great news!!!! And now, in the future when you are feeling defeated by the heat, you will be able to look back and realize that it's normal, it will pass, and that you should not push yourself but instead accept it, give in to it, and be kind to yourself.

I've been thinking about my late mum again, probably because I have been reading a book she gave me as a gift one year.
I'm realising that I'm still grieving two years on, but more memories are coming back of times when we laughed, did things together and moments when she did those little things that made you feel special.
It wasn't all roses with my mum, far from it, but for some reason, the darker moments are fading and the rarer better times are becoming more apparent.
I had a few a sessions of therapy concerning my mum and my therapist came to the conclusion that my mum found it difficult to love and even love herself.
She put it this way....
"Your mum did her best with her circumstances".

That is so similar to the things I've been dealing with regarding my late Mom. I have spent so many decades being really, really angry at her for the the type of mother she was, and one of my therapists gave similar words: "she did the best she could with the tools she had, and she could only be as good a mother to you as the experience she had from her mother." Part of me calls bullsh/t, she could have done better, she could have cared more, where were her maternal instincts, etc. but I'm starting to soften over the years and I, too, am recalling some of the times she WAS loving and nurturing, and the other times are fading a little. I once locked myself in the bedroom, lit a candle, and pretended the candle was her, pouring out my heart and yelling and screaming at her for the pain she caused me, and I really did feel better getting it off my chest. Maybe "talk" to your Mom sometime? Express your feelings?
Well you could say that about anxiety.
I will never know the true demons that haunted my mum. She kept everything inside and was angry most of the time. She didn't seem happy in her life and her last words to me, "I just want you to be happy" stay with me always. My mom had a horrible, horrific childhood so I should try to be more compassionate about that. And she did seem to grow very loving and warm towards the end. Wish it had happened earlier, but it is what it is.
I always have a little cry when I think of those words as I find myself fighting each day with anxiety.
Mum knew in the end how bad I had got and it pained her to see me that way.
And lately I see everything as a challenge rather than just being.With me, anything that involves other people is challenging to me. If I could spend the rest of my days with just my husband and my pets, I think a lot of my anxiety would be gone. But that's probably not a good way to live?
Although I get great joy from the garden and just sitting somewhere and being and a rare trip to the sea.
But it's day to day life and all the unpleasant trimmings of worry and health and how will I cope that haunt me.
I become so tired and listless and that isn't the person I used to be.
I feel I need more knowledge, more tools for coping, more inspiration.
So I've ordered yet another book to digest and hopefully give me that light bulb moment.
If it doesn't, then I'll try something else and keep trying, because I really don't want to spend my life being fearful of going to a shop, town, a visitor or even going out at all. There ya go! We are warriors! We will continue to seek the tools and skills for the happiest life possible, and we will NOT give in to this anxiety that has been dealt to us! A new book is a great idea, and sharing on here is also very helpful, or at least it is to me. Won't it be a shame if it takes us many more years to find the peace we're seeking? Let's vow to make it happen much sooner than that so that we have more years to enjoy our new found freedom!

I just got a call from my son and he invited us over for dinner tonight, so thank God I've got things to keep me busy until then to distract me from the anxiety. I am going to throw on some clothes, get to the grocery store, and buy ingredients for something to make to bring with me. If I stay busy until it's time to go I won't be able to make myself ill over it.
I don't want to give in! And we won't give in!

[Carnation]

Sue, I was half way through reading your post when this happened and just had to share.......

Mr C was in the middle of washing up when he cried, "Oh No!" and rushed out of the house.
I jumped up to look out of the window and immediately saw two cats in the amidst of attacking a bird and the ground was smothered with feathers.
I too ran outside, still holding my phone with your post on display and as I approached, the cats backed off leaving the bird stunned and paralysed.
I asked Mr C to fetch my gardening gloves from the garage while I kept guard. And while he was doing this I tried to assess the bird's injuries.
I realised the cats would not go away until the bird did and realised I had to get the bird to safety.
So I told the bird I was going to take it to my garden to keep it safe. And as I was talking to it I could see its eye making contact with me and was pleased there was some response.
Mr C then passed me my gloves and I put them on to pick up the bird to carry it gently to safety.
I was only inches from the bird when it suddenly moved and started walking and amazingly towards my back garden. The bird could have gone in a dozen directions, but it chose to go towards my garden which was not the easiest path with a car blocking its path.
It was if it knew what I was saying and knew where it was going and as I followed it, talking to it at the same time, it went to the exact spot I was going to take it too.
Could the bird hear me and understand? Who knows but it was certainly amazing to experience.
Mr C and I decided to stay with the bird for a couple of hours until it became dark to doubly make sure it was ok.
The bird in question? It was a pigeon. Not everyone's favourite and not top of my favourite list either, but it's a bird, a living creature with a heart and a brain and a survival instinct. And from my days of rescuing, I know birds go into a stunned state until they normally recover.
I adore cats and I know it's just nature, but I couldn't let this bird be tortured.
And the strangest thing for me was my anxiety up to that point in the day was a hard struggle, but somehow that all disappeared when I was dealing with the bird.
Lastly, the bird recovered and flew away. Would I recognise it again? Most definitely. We made a connection. And now I know why pigeons were used to help with the war years. Pigeons are intelligent!

[DustingMyselfOff]

Awwwwwwww! Reading that caused me to get all teary-eyed! Yes, you and the bird made a connection, and you were blessed to recognize that connection and experience it. I believe all living things have souls, and yes, the bird sensed your energy and knew you were there to help it. Had you been approaching to harm it I'm sure it would have tried to get away, but I think animals are very good judges of character.

And yes, when we go into rescue mode in trying to help another living thing, our anxiety and pains and ailments disappear. It's probably why I am always searching the ground for animals that need rescuing and why I'm tempted to volunteer at the humane society.

Pigeons were my dad's favorite bird.... he used to raise them and breed them so they always have a soft spot in my heart.
Sue

[Carnation]

So apart from my bird incident, I had a not so good day yesterday. I went out with Mr C to get some bits and I could barely walk without feeling anxiety choking me around my neck, brain and the rest of me.
If it wasn't for the bird, I probably would have taken to the couch licking my wounds for the evening.

Now today was completely different. We'd arranged to go to a big town as discussed over the weekend, which now I was absolutely dreading to the point of having a tantrum by slumping on the floor kicking and screaming, but that was my thoughts and not my actions.
With heavy shoulders I got in the car and said nothing and Mr C was none the wiser about the way I felt.
Why did I go? Because I didn't want to stay a prisoner of my home.
By the time I got there I really didn't know how it was going to turn out, but to my surprise I was actually ok.
No blurry eyesight no lightheadedness, no anxiety.
Now how do you work that one out?
And on the way back, which is about a half an hours drive, we stopped off at an Emporium to have a look around.
I didn't stop there. I suggested instead of going home that we could make a stop at a cafe.
Mr C didn't comment on my eagerness to do these things because it's not the norm, but I could tell by his face that he was surprised and elated.
And to finish the day nicely, my new book arrived.

Sue, you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned 'people'. That's exactly it. It's not about what I am doing or where I am, it's the human contact. The judging, the awkwardness, the potential comments, the embarrassment. Unfortunately we can not get by in life without some communication with other human beings unless we become a 'Howard Hughes'.
And I do believe when you feel uncomfortable about a family member or friend asking to meet up, it's because it is out of your control. You haven't instigated the meet /appointment /engagement, so it feels like it's being forced upon you making you feel pressured and stressed. Hello anxiety.
What I try to do is turn it around so the ball is in my court.
For instance. If someone asks me to some event, I will automatically say, "I think we already have a commitment, but if we don't I'll let you know". This gives me time to think about it and puts the whole situation in my control.

[Carnation]

Now the weather has turned from a blistering heat to rain and wind. but I seem to cope with that slightly better.
I had an amazing achievement yesterday. I queued for an ice cream with screaming kids surrounding me accompanied by screaming parents.
Not my idea of fun, but I wanted to do it to prove I could and now after the experience and without any anxiety, I don't particularly want to do it again. I'll stick to a magnum out of the freezer. It's a a lot cheaper too. But I did it! About 15 minutes, queueing in a drowning noise of shrieks and being squashed to the point of feeling trapped. It's definitely not for me and for the life of me can't think what enjoyment anyone gets out of it.

I've been reading my new book and so far so good. (I'll report when I'm a bit more advanced with it.
I'm back on the chamomile tea which is definitely giving me that much needed calm. If you can get used to the taste, I highly recommend it. I don't go mad, just one cup per day late morning and seems to help keep me grounded.

My sleep is still not peaceful. Between weird dreams, being wide awake and waking up every couple of hours.
I feel my anxieties are coming out while I sleep. All my fears and worries appear in my dreams and its quite exhausting. They feel so real and I often wake up when my hands are pushing away something or I have a tight fist or clenched jaw.

I've decided to take a grip of my life.
I'm going to make two lists. One list for all the things I like doing but don't do anymore and the other list for things I'd like to do but haven't done yet.
I'm going to make time for some of these things.
1) to see if I can do them.
2) to see if it makes a difference to my anxiety in general.
It's not going to happen overnight, but I will certainly be putting it into practice.
(Better warn everyone about the bell ringing. )

[DustingMyselfOff]

Nice to see you, Mrs. C.... when there was no post from you yesterday, I was worried.

Yes, weather can affect our emotions and our physical well-being, but unfortunately it's one of those things we cannot control so pretty much need to accept it. I keep asking my husband where we could move that it would be 70 degrees F every day but I'm not sure that place exists.

In this next statement I'm talking to myself as much as to you, but I wonder: is it healthy to keep prodding at our anxiety by testing ourselves? I'm referring to the ice cream outing. It's not something that's on your "enjoyable" list and you knew it would be uncomfortable, so why do it? I know, you want to feel a sense of normalcy and feel like you CAN do normal things, but if we're trying to heal our bodies and minds, is poking at the anxiety helping them heal? It's probably like picking at a scab, isn't it? I do it, too, so I understand you doing it, but now I wonder if we should stop doing that.

And maybe you should start a third list: the things that make you anxious that you will NOT do anymore? Things to avoid? I'm practicing that one today: I have to attend a wake/funeral tonight, and I'm OK with that, but my sister wants to go, too, and asked if we should drive together. The thought of being trapped in a car with her for 2 hours makes me very anxious (she is an incessant talker, very loud, repeats herself often, and doesn't let you get a word in) so instead of biting the bullet, I'm going to make an excuse to go on my own. Yes, I would rather drive on a highway to a strange place than sit in the car with her for an extended length of time, now THAT is eye-opening! Either though neither situation sounds like fun, I'm taking control by making a choice about which I will deal with rather than have the choice made for me.

Glad you're enjoying your book. I'm reading and watching more videos about meditation - there are so many ways to do it, I guess none are right or wrong, it's more about finding the one that works best for you.
Sue

[Carnation]

Ahhhh, that's nice of you to say Sue, but I do sometimes miss a day if I have a lot on.

And, YES! Why put yourself through extra stress by doing something stressful when there is a much easier option.
When I was standing in that queue, I actually thought to myself, "what am I doing here?".

I'm pleased you are becoming more knowledgeable about mediation. The whole point of it is, it's not supposed to be difficult and uncomfortable. I'm sure you'll have a light bulb moment.

[Carnation]

The third list about not doing the things that make me anxious is a great idea, but I fear that one will be rather long.

Isn't it strange how a person can force you in to another fear position because the thought of being with them for a length of time in close proximity is far too much to bear? Like your sister Sue.
Why do some people make us feel this way?
It's not because we feel threatened because they can't really do us any harm. Or can they?
I have this feeling with several people that have made sensitive remarks towards me and we all know how powerful words can be. Just the presence of that person can put me on high alert, so I'd rather avoid at all costs. Mr C doesn't get it at all. I mean, I'd prefer it if they just tell me they hate me and have done with it instead of chipping away with ongoing remarks that upset me or those head to toe glances with the screwed up nose. Do these people really don't know what they are doing to people like us?
I have to be honest, my mum used to do this to me.
She'd say things like, "I look a mess, I've let myself go, my clothes did nothing for me, I'd lost weight, I'd put on weight, my hair looked dry, she didn't like my makeup, I'm too friendly, I'm not thoughtful, the list is endless.
And this is family and in my case my mother!
Why do they do this?
Well when I met my partner twenty years ago, he saw it straight away and immediately said it was jealousy.
"Jealousy? What about?" He said as an outsider he could sense that my mum was jealous about all the things I was doing in my life and of all the things I represented.
I was far from happy with my appearance and couldn't work out what was so special about my life, but with certain remarks I could see a connection.
So mum and I had a very hostile relationship for most of it. Until she became ill and she completely changed towards me.
But all that and I have to be fair, there were moments of kindness and support which I like to remember her by, but generally it damaged my confidence and self esteem.
So when a person now makes just a snippet of a remark that I take as 'nasty', I want to flee, go home and curl up in a ball. If I was thick skinned I could brush it away, but I'm not. I had a very traumatic childhood and that left me feeling the way I do now.
Saying that, I found my way to get through life, try my best, and have a go at stuff that was probably beyond my capabilities. And I probably did a lot of things that mum secretly wanted to do and instead of being proud, she held a grudge.
It's strange how we want to make our parents proud and never receive any praise. Especially when they might talk about a complete stranger being so brilliant.
It's hurtful and I'm afraid that there are too many hurtful people in society.
Just remember, they could be jealous!

[DustingMyselfOff]

We had similar childhoods..... and toxic families. And we've all coped in the best way we knew how with the limited self-confidence and tools needed to grow into emotionally healthy adults. Unfortunately I think we will continue to struggle (and learn) forever and hopefully we can help and teach others how to cope, too.

One of the quotes I love most and the one I use often is "You won't always remember what a person said or did, but you will always remember the way they made you feel."
Sue

[Carnation]

So true Sue.

One of my worst nightmares at the moment. We have car trouble. The car keeps stalling, cutting out, misfiring and at times not starting. It's horrendous for my anxiety and nerves and it was touch and go yesterday whether we would get back home. So we are hopefully getting it in the garage today.

I'm finding it very difficult coping with the school holidays. Everywhere I go it's so noisy and jam packed with people. They don't stop talking and raising their voices, talking over each other with their kids running around in circles and then you see the parents giving them more sparkling hyper drinks, are they mad? What are they doing to themselves and their children. Anxiety being born right in front of my eyes.

I managed a better sleep again last night, waking only twice, (still good). Which means I'm getting better chunks of sleep. I rarely feel particularly tired when I go to bed even if I'm quite active during the day. My brain would have me staying up most of the night if I allowed it.
Getting back to my shop ordeal. I noticed more so yesterday that it's Mr C fuelling the situation. He seems to want to start conversations with anyone and everyone, even total strangers in the street.
That's ok for him, that's his high, but it's not for me. So I'm doing what most husbands do and saying, "I'll wait outside", which probably makes me look very unsociable, but if I say, "I'm hot, I'll wait outside", I can get away not appearing rude.
But if we are already outside and standing in the street, it's harder to get away.
I'll give it a while, fidgeting and making that unnecessary smalltalk, then I might say, "hun, I need to catch that shop before I forget" or tempt Mr C with the cake shop.
Then afterwards I will tell him I was struggling.
I do think Mr C needs to join a club or take up some gentle sport. He needs people, I don't. Not meaning to sound like I'm not grateful for the lovely people on here. But we are different from the madding crowd.
I'm talking about the general public, small talk, awkwardness of being polite and ending up getting involved in things you have no interest in.
Put me in a garden and I'm happy as larry.
I'd much rather watch a butterfly swooping around the garden or watching ants doing their work or a bird feeding their young.
It strange because I've worked in the public sector for most of my life, especially the pub.
But I've never felt comfortable or at peace.
I should have been a landscaped gardener or an artist.
It's probably my work that's fuelled my anxiety. :(

My anxiety is a bit up and down at the moment and I am coming to the conclusion that it is people that is the main cause. Not what I am doing or where I am.

Oh God, I'm going to end up that strange woman who won't talk to anyone or go out.