Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[Carnation]

I've gone totally decaf now and it's made a huge difference. I even carry a couple of bags around with me in case I go anywhere where they don't have it.
Mind you, I'm finding more and more people have converted and most outlets stock it.

I've managed to do a bit of driving in the new car and finding it a bit easier. Although we might have to take it back as already there's a strange noise which is worrying me. :( I've also noticed that after a drive I suffer with a vibrating right foot like I've been feeding adrenalin in to it via the gas pedal.
Unfortunately most of my adrenalin rushes used to come from driving which is one of the reasons I stopped driving.
But I'm only doing local short runs and that's a major step for me. Still not driving alone, but in time I hopefully will.

My people anxiety is still very apparent. I went to an invitation that I've been avoiding for some time to see someone that's been asking me to pop in for a coffee and chat. And I went yesterday, carrying my little bag of decaf tea.
I was ok, but after a while became quite fidgety, but I did go and sort of ticked it off my list.
It's so difficult with invitations because you don't want to appear rude and you don't want to reveal your anxieties to people and tell them you can't cope with it. So you end up making all the excuses under the sun.
Unfortunately, whatever you do, you may end up just appearing not interested or unsociable.
It can't be helped and at the end of the day, your welfare is more important. And any understanding person will be more sympathetic.

Autumn seems to have arrived this weekend with the heavy rain and strong winds.
This is a good excuse to stay in. Although I like to get fresh air and pop out for a little while, it gets me out of going out for the day.
I'm finding a couple of hours out suits my needs, four at a push, but a whole day just drains me.
I've upped my walking and my sleeping has improved. Still waking up, but not so often.
All in all, I'm not doing so bad.
Anxiety is still there as is the hyperness and moments of panic, but it's not disabling me at the moment.
I'm going to do those lists this weekend and quite looking forward to trying some new things.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Hey, Mrs. C! Congrats on the new car, and on the driving! Sounds like you are taking life by the horns and showing it who's boss!

Sorry I haven't been here in a few days, again, I stopped getting email notifications that there were new posts on this thread and that's what usually prompts me to log in and catch up. It's been a busy week, mostly good, some bad.

I've gone hobby crazy with my fish tanks again. I have bought and sold 3 different tanks this week because and I'm still in process of tearing down the 92 gallon salt water one. There is still a ton of sand and rock and equipment sitting in an inch of water so it's starting to smell like the beach at low tide at my house, but hopefully by tomorrow I can have it emptied and outside. Then we pick up my new/used one tomorrow. It will be several months before I can actually buy the seahorses for it because a new salt water tank has to cycle for months, with frequent water testing and adjustments throughout that period, but now that I'm retired, I have the time to do it right, rather than rushing and doing it half-@ssed.

On top of that, I made an appointment with my hypnotherapist to help me with anxieties about the upcoming trip (one week from tomorrow) and saw him two nights ago. He is a wonderfully caring and compassionate man so instead of the hour appointment, we spent 2.5 hours together again. And since he seems to truly want to see me heal and improve, he has offered to see me again when I return from my trip at only a tiny cost. After the 2.5 hour session I then drove to my son and his wife's house (in torrential rain that was so bad I couldn't see 10 feet in front of my car) and then spent an hour or so with them showing them what I had done with their bookkeeping and financials so far. They were thrilled, so that made me feel good. Then finally the 30 minute drive home, on the highway, in TORRENTIAL rain and thunder. It was so bad at one point that I and other cars were pulling over on the side of the highway because the visibility was awful. But I did fine, and when I arrived in my hometown I then swung by a fast-food place to grab dinner for me and hubby because by then it was after 9:00 p.m. and we hadn't eaten.

I was invigorated and upbeat about the productive day I had had and the next morning I woke up optimistic and eager to start gutting my tanks. I did for a few hours, but then got hit with crashing fatigue. Rather than panic about it (which I used to do) I gave into it, hit the couch, and realized the project could wait a few hours.

Today I have to go for a mammography and apparently this is going to be a longer-than-usual appointment. I don't know if this is a new standard procedure or if it's because they connected my medical records to my sister who recently had breast cancer, but in addition to the standard mammo they tell me there will be a video for me to watch, and then a video-conference call with some specialist? We'll see.

What is annoying me today is that I STILL feel like I have a cold. Stuffed head and nose, crackling ears, slight headache, etc. I've done the antibiotics and I took my last steroid yesterday, so I don't know what else to try. Debating seeing my doc one more time before I have to get on a plane but I hate the expense.

Oh! In addition, I had two other really big stressors for me this week: my thyroid medication (Synthroid) ran out and I pinged the doc to refill it. The pharmacy did, but with the generic version (which I am not supposed to take). Two more calls to doc, three more calls to pharmacy, and still no resolution. Finally it was determined that my new insurance will ONLY pay for generic versions. So, I am going to have to start taking that and we'll see if it affects me badly like last time.

And THEN.... the chemo drug that I take to keep my colitis under control: I remembered that it can cause liver damage and that I was supposed to be having regular blood tests but didn't recall having one ordered recently so pinged that doctor. He called in lab work, I had blood drawn, and I saw the results online the next day. My liver enzymes were through the roof. I panicked and got upset, but then convinced myself that if this were something to worry about I'd be hearing from the doc and I went on with my daily life. The next day, I got a call to stop the medication immediately. :(

That means: yes, I guess it is doing liver damage. And it means I will have to stop taking the medication that was finally giving me a normal life. And it means the colitis will flare again, and I will probably be put back on steroids which they insisted I stop taking a year ago and switched me to the chemo drug. Or, they will want to throw some other poison experiment at me. Arrrrggghhhhh!

Yes, I realize it could be a lot worse, and life IS a lot worse for a lot of people so I am thankful and blessed for what I have. But wouldn't it be nice to have a patch or two of smooth-sailing once in a while where no new challenges arise? Anyway, I called the GI doctor and explained that I was going cross-country and that this was not the time for my colitis to go bad again. He suggested I keep taking the chemo drug until I return, but at a lowered dose, and then discontinue when I get home. Then, we wait for the "sh/t to hit the fan" and decide what to do about it.

Carry on, warriors! We've got this!
Sue

[Carnation]

Wow! You have a lot of medical stuff going on Sue.
It seems like you have it all worked out one way or another.
I do admire your Seahorse project. It must certainly keep you on your toes.
Congratulations on your driving too!

Today we are in the midst of a storm.
We've had the heavy rain and we've now got the burly wind. This has left me stuck indoors, so I grabbed a duvet morning today.
I've got lots of indoor chores to catch up on, but I can see my duvet morning turning into a sofa afternoon.i always do things when I'm in the mood and my mood today is listless. Talking of lists, I've not managed to do them yet. Maybe I'm afraid of doing them for fear of carrying them out or even seeing in black and white what actually scares me or makes me feel uncomfortable.
I tend to do a lot of muttering to myself. Especially when I'm finding something I do quite difficult.
I'll say things like, "come on, you can do it" or "it's only one shop or a short walk".
Giving yourself a good talking to is like being your own therapist. And it's there at the ready.
I've always wondered why people talk to themselves in the street and now I'm doing it myself.
But if it gets me from A to B, who cares?

[DustingMyselfOff]

LOL about the muttering and talking to yourself. It's what I was famous for at the office, and I do it a lot around the house. But what I've noticed recently is that I'm doing it, fairly loudly, while I'm out at stores examining products to buy! When I catch myself I try to reduce it to a whisper so no one calls the men in the white coats.

Talking to yourself, or "your higher self" is key to a lot of things. Remember I said that I lie in bed for at least 2 hours trying unsuccessfully to fall asleep, regardless of how late it is? I mentioned it to my hypnotherapist and he told me to talk to my higher self when I get into bed, tell it I am going to allow it XX number of minutes to let my mind race and have it's creative or stressful thoughts, and then at the end of that time period, I'm going to turn it off and get some rejuvenating, restful sleep. For the 3 nights since I've seen him, I've fallen asleep within 10 minutes. The mind is such a powerful thing!

Yes, there are lots of little medical things going on, and when you combine them together, it's hard to manage them. What helps one thing can hurt the other, etc. But I'm trying to remember that none of them are life-threatening right now, and that I WILL get them straightened out to the best of my ability. I have a full physical coming up in October, so I plan on spending that hour going over all the complications with my doc and coming up with a game plan. And when we find one that works, something will happen to change it, because .... that's life! I'll roll with it. That's my positive attitude and I hope I can hang onto that!

All I know is that retiring was the best thing I could have done for myself, because trying to deal with life while running on adrenaline and constant stress / exhaustion had to stop. Hopefully finances won't force me to go back, but for now..... we're OK.
Sue

[Carnation]

Sue, it's all about adjusting to your new life.
The same with Anxiety. We have to learn to adjust to it. It's there for reason and not to be ignored. It's letting us know that our lives have been far too stressful and it's time to change our pace.
It doesn't mean the opposite of wrapping ourselves in cotton wool effect or never going out ever again, but to allow our body and mind that rest and release.
Sometimes just a few changes, a change in diet, more sleep and more' Me', time is all you need.
It depends on the severity and longevity of the bashing we have endured.
We actually end up fearing the symptoms more than anxiety itself in the end. The moment we feel a twitch, pain, or strange feeling, that's when the panic steps in.
We will say stuff like, "Oh no, it's back again" or "Why is this happening, I'm not even doing anything".
And its not necessarily what you might be doing at the time. It could be from yesterday, last week, even a thought from the past or future.
So it explains why when you stand in the kitchen peeling potatoes which is sooooo boring, you might have what you call a 'funny turn'. Or watching something boring on tv when you feel the adrenalin rushes or muscle twitches.
That coupled with triggers from your memory is ALL explainable.
This is why I fear driving. Driving becomes second nature to us and while we sit in a jam or traffic lights, our minds wander as they do on motorway /highway driving.
Even a radio or CD becomes background noise after a while.
I even struggled to relax having a bath, because it is a thinking place. As is sitting in your garden. But if you potter in the garden, it turns it into living in the now and keeps you focused.
One of my hardest things is 'waiting' or nothingness. Within seconds my brain can kick in and say "Do something!" And it's normally wanting to leave.
I've always hated wasting time and it's something that still bothers me. If I'm ready, everyone else has to be ready. And it's not to do with being impatient as only yesterday I sat and untangled the strings of Mr C's childhood Pelham puppet that he brought in from the garage that took me nearly an hour to unravel. It's about not wasting time.
To a certain extent with life after anxiety, we DO need to waste time, to slow down our tired brain and that's why meditation is the perfect solution for that.
On my list of things that I want to do is 'Tai Chi' and getting a push bike. Two things I've always wanted to do and at the same time are productive and pleasurable.
Compare it with the list for things that stress me...
'Food Shopping' and 'Waiting in Queues' and normally go together.
It's so obvious seeing it in black and white which ones seem the most appealing.
What appeals to you more Sue? Attending a meeting or tending to your Seahorses?

[DustingMyselfOff]

I'm like you with the lack of patience for time-wasted. One of the biggest areas that causes a problem with that in my life is my husband... he's a slow-moving puttzer. I've never seen him move quickly, everything is slow-paced and methodical, and it takes him what seems like forever to leave the house. He will say goodbye to me 3 or 4 times, tell me he's leaving, then he's still walking around looking for a wallet or keys or phone, etc. Then he FINALLY exits the house but it's a while before he leaves the garage. Then he FINALLY leaves the garage but it's a while before he pulls away and I hear the garage door close. And then, maybe 25% of the time, he will either come back a few minutes later because he forgot something, or he will text me to ask me something. Oh, and his conversations: they are slooooooow and drawn out, very detailed and he drifts off track. Anyway, it could be worse, but that's where I find myself having to really bite my tongue but I'm always fidgeting and pacing waiting for the story to end so we can get to resolution and I can get back to whatever I was doing.

Traffic jams!?!?! Shoot me now - I can't handle being trapped in a car that can't move. Thank God for our cellphones but what did we do before them? Now I would probably try to meditate and take advantage of the time, but if I'm the driver, can't really do that. Waiting for a concert to start, or previews at the movies? HATE IT. And TV commercials???? No patience for them, I will only watch something I have pre-recorded so I can fast forward. I guess us Type A personalities all have this "can't waste time" gene.

It is very obvious when you put in black and white the things you would enjoy doing as opposed to the things that are chores, BUT, how about the things that most other people enjoy doing that you and I hate? Like social visits and get-togethers? I think I'd rather go to a corporate meeting than one of those! (shrug)

Anyway, I like your line about us "needing to waste time". I've been getting better at that lately and it's mixed with enjoyment and guilt. I'll get there.
Sue

[Carnation]

My Anxiety was pretty high yesterday. Whether it was to do with the car and driving, I don't know, but I spent the evening feeling the effects of the adrenalin in my legs and as a result was exhausted.
I'm keeping to the regime of a drive, albeit a short one every time we go out.
The good thing about the new car is we both want to drive it and a 'want' from me is a good sign.
I'm beginning to think our old car wasn't helping me with my progression and the fact that the new car is completely different with everything in a different place is helping to rid the memory and triggers of the many panic attacks I used to have driving.
Although I do have the adrenalin as an aftereffect, that I'm sure will disappear if I keep going.
I drove in to town yesterday, a very busy day with lots of holiday makers, being the first dry day for several days. It's difficult to describe how busy it is, but you literally have people walking in the road, standing in the road, running in to the road, with the pavements 3 people deep and lots of people crammed in shops even outside the shops.
When it's too windy for the beach, the shops get it!
We'd done some clearing out and had a boot full of stuff for the charity shop and we'd run out of bread and milk. We had also been stuck indoors for the last two days, so we wanted to get out anyway.
So driving through all that yesterday sends my anxiety antenna on full alert, but I did it. And afterwards Mr C drove on to a quieter local village, because he just wanted to drive the car.
My aim is to be able to at least drive to the corner shop and back on my own which is about a mile in total.
And I need to know I can do it.
I'm not going to pressurise myself, I'll do it when I feel ready and even if I get half way and turn around, it's still progression.
I've read so many books that tell me exposure to your fears is the way to eliminate them. But at the same time, it is best to do this a little at a time.
And to let the feelings pass without fight or flight, which is so hard to do because it is like going against the natural workings of the brain and body.
If only the symptoms were not so scary and being agoraphobic, it's like dicing with death on a daily basis.
I'm still reading my new book, which is actually from the 1980s and so far it's looking pretty encouraging.
I'm always a bit sceptical when reading yet another book about the 'Wonder Cure', and I do believe the cure is within ourselves and not from any outside intervention, but we all need the tools and knowledge to do this and more importantly to 'want' to.
And yes, Mindfulness helps and for some cbt, but in the end, it's all up to the individual and how much they want to do.
I'll be the first to admit I have that 'just can't be bothered' attitude, but I also don't want to become a prisoner of my home fearing putting a foot outside the front door.
It's the feelings, the symptoms and the 'what If s' that I fear. It's uncomfortable, embarrassing, exhausting and frightening. Who wants to feel like that everyday? For years!!!! Hardly any GP or Doctor seems to take you seriously or help because unless you have experienced it, you cannot begin to understand it. Hello Therapists, they are born out of suffering themselves and sit in front of you normally tanked up with tranquillisers listening to you replica how they are feeling themselves. A few words of encouragement, a comforting smile, fifty quid for their trouble and off you go until next Monday.
You end up going for possibly years, but do you get anywhere with it? I wonder if we go most of the time for just someone to talk to, to listen, to make us think we are being proactive and doing something.
We rarely can talk to our families, our friends, our other halves and we are bursting with questions, suffering, desperation. Hello Forum, in this case NMP.
Ahh, people like me, people that I might find that are cured, people that will give me reassurance or help me 24/7. This is good, but the ultimate recovery lies with yourself. Does it matter if you take longer than the person who is getting on with their lives within a few months?
Well everyone is different and some of us have had a lifetime of knocks. How long is acceptable?
I can't answer that, who can, but if you get to a point that you can manage and feel reasonably ok, then that's fine in my eyes. I don't want to be the person I was before. Stressed, overworked, irritable, tired, put upon, no time to myself and that's probably the reason I've not been in a hurry to recover fully. There's always an explanation for everything!
And why do I write on here everyday?
Because I don't want to feel alone, I need to know if anyone else feels the way I do, I like to share any breakthroughs or hear of anyone else's achievements, to be empathetic to others because I know how bad you can feel and how desperate you might feel in just living s day-to-day existence.
I'm a bit long with my post today, but who cares, I happen to think this is time well spent.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Hi, Mrs. C.
You are NOT alone, me and others like me are always hear, listening, caring, and offering support and compassion. And yes, there are lots of us who totally understand your feelings, both the physical ones and the mental ones. I think anxiety is so much more common than any of the statistics show, it's just that a lot of people who suffer with it don't even realize (yet) that they have an anxiety disorder. The people who fill their lives with busy-ness and need to surround themselves with people at all times are trying to escape being alone with their issues. They just keep outrunning them so that they don't have to feel them or face them. And there are those who think they are being social butterflies by going out with friends every night, but in reality they are treating their anxiety with alcohol. And there are so many illegal drug abusers in the world now..... you have to wonder how many of those became addicted by trying to ease their anxiety?

I guess you could say we are the lucky ones because we know what we suffer with and we are trying to do something about it. We don't disguise it or dress it up, we are smacked in the face every hour of every day with the fact that we suffer with anxiety. But knowing what the problem is is a huge part of fixing it. So, lucky one, consider yourself fortunate that you know what you're dealing with and that you WILL find a solution that works for you!

Yup, we can come on this forum and share and compare our issues, but we should never compare our recovery process or timeline. That's where we remain uniquely individual. And I think you are so right about the power to heal being within ourselves! Yes, it's sometimes helpful to work with someone who can guide us on the journey, but ultimately the healing and answers are in each of us. This was again made evident by my last visit with my hypnotherapist. One of the things I mentioned to him as I was leaving was that it takes me at least 2 solid hours every night to fall asleep once I get into bed. I mentioned how boring and frustrating and maddening it was, and that I now dreaded having to go to bed each night knowing that I was going to lie there, trying to be quiet and still, and stressing over the fact that I was wasting 2 hours of time each night not sleeping nor doing anything enjoyable. He told me to talk to my higher self (my unconscious) and make a deal with it when I got into bed. I'm pleased to say that for the 5 nights since my visit, I have been asleep in 15 minutes or less of going to bed. The power was within!

And it's within you, too. With your knowledge, experience and persistence, you'll get to exactly where you want, in the timeline that you want. Be kind to yourself.
Sue

[Carnation]

Back to yer Sue

Think we all need to be kinder to ourselves.
We endure trauma, pain and stress and expect to be running through fields of poppies with the wind in our hair.
Although my new book suggests that stress is not a bad thing, it's how we deal with it /cope with it.
It sees stress as a motivator in a lot of situations, which is why you probably enjoy a corporate meeting Sue.
My other half is like that. Loves to solve problems and take on an investigation. Says it makes him feel alive.
And shouldn't we be spending our lives doing things to make us feel alive?
(Just added church bell ringing on my list )

I'm getting to sleep better too Sue. My little voice whispers to me, "whatever it is you can deal with it tomorrow ". And then, that's all I remember because I'm asleep.
I don't think those hot and humid nights helped anyone get a good night's sleep. Plus the sleeping with just a sheet, I don't feel so snugged up. Especially when you stick your legs out the side for more air. It's more of a collapsed state of exhaustion.

I woke up this morning with a sore throat. :(
The temperature has dropped considerably here and I'm hoping it's nothing nasty.
Mr C had it yesterday and he seems ok, but good ol health anxiety will latch on no doubt.

Yesterday morning I had a long chat with Mr C about my struggles and my growing phobias caused by anxiety.
Although my new book suggests that the phobias can cause the anxiety. Which one comes first?
My fear of storms has affected me so much I now fear rain. Just a normal Uk rainy day.
I become shaky and adrenalin kicks in and I don't want to go out. This is not good because August looks as though it's going to be a month of rain. :(
Anyway, I was explaining my phobia to Mr C who had no idea how bad it had become and he actually told me off for not telling him before.
"That's not all", I said. "I'm afraid of the heat, the high UVs." I worry I'll get sunstroke or dehydrated".
Sounds ridiculous, but I only feel comfortable and relaxed on a day with a perfect temperature with no rain, sun not too hot with a bit of cloud cover and no wind.
That narrows it down to about 4-6 days a month.
He quite rightly said, "This has got out of hand". To which I replied, "I know". Then quickly piped in with, "But I'm driving again". "Yes, you are doing very well with that" and now feeling like I'm being spoken to like a child, but in some ways I do actually feel quite childlike with my fears and phobias.
Getting back to the day in hand. We had planned to go somewhere and I was trying to think of all the excuses under the sun not to go.
"The forecast says there will be thunder and lightening".
I must check it every hour at least, then suddenly there was a change on their prediction to light rain.
"It's ok we can go now", I said to Mr C.
To which Mr C replied, "They are only predictions at the end of the day".
That comment didn't seem to help me at all thinking the most recent forecast could then turn back in to a storm.
In the end I took the plunge. Went out and about half way there, the heavens opened and it was chucking it down. But you know what? I was fine. It's this pre anxiety of fear.
We had a nice afternoon and felt so much better by the time we got home.
And Mr C wants me to tell him if I'm struggling. He might not be able to help, but he'll understand why I'm being so unsociable.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Good for you for sharing all your struggles with Mr. C. And he's right, you SHOULD have been doing it more and sooner! But I get it: I try not to share all my physical and mental ailments with hubby, I don't want him to feel like I'm whiner or always complaining about something, but when it does start to all take it's toll and I do share it, I feel much better and he feels better knowing that if I had been acting cold or distant, it wasn't something he did to upset me. So yes, for all the times they drive us crazy, we should be able to use them as sounding boards whenever we feel the desire to talk about it.

The only drawback is my husband (and most men) are "fixers". He will suggest and try to get me to do a dozen things that I've either already tried, or things that don't make any sense, but I know he's got good intentions. But usually we just need them to LISTEN because if there were a "fix", Lord knows we would have already found it. So often I have to remind him, "just listen, don't try to fix it."

We've got to figure out why and how to resolve your weather-related issues because unfortunately that's a constant threat. Since you were fine during the rain yesterday, does that mean the fear is already diminishing? "Accept the things you cannot change."

Yesterday I had a typical day except for a hair appointment in the afternoon, but since the moment I woke up I could feel the physical symptoms of being hyper. It surprised me and upset me because I couldn't think of why it was there (there I go again, always needing a reason!) but then it occurred to me that I had a diet soda the night before, which is something I hardly EVER do. The aspartame in diet soda always does terrible things to my nervous system, so I drank a lot of water hoping to flush it out of my system. Today seems a bit better.

Yes, I have read that even pleasant anticipation and happy events can cause anxiety. I guess both the good and the bad kind ramp up the adrenaline and the increased adrenaline produces the same physical symptoms. Now THAT is disappointing, but I guess realizing it is half the battle.

I've been so busy researching and reading and studying all the different aspects and equipment and processes for the new tank I'm going to set up when I return from the west coast that the days are flying by and I really need to get to my "To Do" list. But I love the research and learning part, I guess much like Mr. C. does. Do you have any new hobby or project you've always wanted to try? Maybe this is the time in your life to tackle one?
Sue