Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[Carnation]

You'll be reading this thread from your home by now and probably from your sofa.
I don't know whether you have a heatwave there, but we certainly do in the UK. Not my favourite weather conditions and hikes up the anxiety.
It's also the excuse for doing absolutely nothing which in hindsight doesn't help anxiety either.
Just moving from the sofa to the kitchen and back is likely to bring out a sweat and as for cooking, salads, barbecues and takeaways will rank high over this weekend.
But at least I have an air-conditioned car now. what a difference. Luxury! How on earth did I put up with it for so long. I remember a 5 hour car journey on the motorway in 30c heat 3 years ago and not even moving for best part of it. It makes you think how you get through things like that. And thankfully we normally do.
We need to trust our bodies capabilities more and especially our 'Will'. The 'Will' to do something can outweigh any medical diagnosis. My mum was proof of that when diagnosed with terminal cancer at the age of 36, then lived to be 84!
I remember my dad telling me a story about a time when he was diagnosed with pneumonia and my dad turned to the doctor and said, "I haven't got time for that, I've got a sick wife, young kid and a mortgage to pay" and off he went carrying out his duties. The following week there was no sign of any pneumonia at all and the doc was amazed with no rest and just carrying on, he became better naturally and very quickly.
My point is....
Sometimes, maybe it is better to just get on with things. Yes, it is important to eat well and sleep when tired, but I believe if we molly coddle ourselves too much, we wallow in our own rot. If you let the brain believe it is well, it sends messages to our body to confirm that. And that's not a trick.
That brings me to affirmations and visualisations.
If you can imagine yourself doing something with flying colours, you are more likely to succeed. If you keep telling yourself, "I'm ill, I can't do anything", the brain and body reacts to those thoughts.
Yes, I know it's difficult with anxiety symptoms because it creeps up on you in the form of a whoosh in the brain or a shooting pain in your arm, a pounding heartbeat or adrenalin running through your body, but we know it's anxiety. We've had hundreds of these feelings before, probably more likely thousands and all we have to do is acknowledge, "that's my anxiety reminding me I'm on high alert, the alert that keeps us safe but has gone in to overdrive, stupid anxiety, there's no fear here, I'll shut it down and carry on with what I am doing". Yes, tell it, it's not needed and it will eventually pass. Yes, it's uncomfortable, can be scary, a little embarrassing. But take a look around you as every 4th person will be feeling the exact same feelings as yourself.
It's not our fault, we've done nothing wrong. Society has made us this way, so we have to deal with it the best we can.
So, on that note, I've found myself a bit of shade in the garden to make the most of a hot situation and get Mr C to take me out for dinner tonight.

[Carnation]

Hope you doing ok Sue and just a matter of catching up on rest. x

So the heatwave has at last come to an end.
I'm always surprised how it pushes my anxiety up. Apart from having very little energy, I can't deal with feeling hot and I become confused to whether I'm having a hot flush or just hot.
Anyway, got through it.

For a while now I've had the feeling of falling forward symptom. I've had it before and even variations of feeling you are swaying and jolts.
I have no idea what causes it and so far I haven't fallen.
Also when I touch my forehead it sometimes feels like I've disturbed what feels like chemicals in the brain. Think it's head pressure and heat.
It seems to be when I feel sweat and wipe it away from my head that it feels like I've disturbed my balance.
But I don't fall or stagger, it's just in my head, like it's too heavy or if I was to be dramatic, like its about to combust.

I'm finding that I can carry on with most of the symptoms, but if it's difficult to walk, stand and see as is the case most days, it's more than difficult to act if nothing is wrong.
Take yesterday. We popped out to the local store and met up with a lady we hadn't seen for a while.
To cut a long story short, her husband had just died and just hearing news like that sends me into a quiver.
But the lady clearly wanted to talk about it, the before, during and after and I could feel my legs banding, my toes scrunching, my head sweating and a general feeling of "Get out of here".
I never want to appear rude to anyone, but at the same time I'm in a position of my brain telling me, "Danger!" it's a fight between the two and I try my best not to leg it, stay and suffer and then edge away slowly so as not to appear rude.

The other thing I've noticed is the more I stay in the worse I am when I do go out. It can take sometimes up to an hour to push through that feeling, but 9 times out of 10,it is just a case of adjusting to the outside world.
It's been quite difficult on me during the school holidays and BH weekend because the crowds have been horrendous as was the noise, the traffic and queues like you used to see at the cinema.
Not exaggerating, it's like hell on earth for me and as I grow older I'm coming to the conclusion I want peace and quiet.
That's something I would never have envisaged years ago as I thrived on the hustle and bustle.
But I'm a different person now and I have to accommodate that.

The other conclusion I have come to is the lack or quality of sleep plays a big part in how I feel.
The last 5 nights have not been good with the heatwave and by the afternoon I'm feeling the anxiety more.
I don't think it's healthy to lie around in bed all day, that just fuels the anxiety, but in the same breath, the body and mind needs recuperation, so I try to find things that occupy me without running around. Such as reading, clearing out the fridge, tidying a drawer, ironing, pruning the garden, painting my nails, a gentle walk.
I hate the thought of a non productive day, but also don't want to deplete myself of the little bit of energy I have.
Eating more food is not a substitute for bad sleep. And lying around isn't either. You end up playing catch up.
Keep your daytime as normal as possible and eventually you will come even.

I'm still doing the affirmations and although anxiety is still in play, I'm much calmer about it.
I'm aware of my over sensitivity, so much that I jump every morning when my toast pops out of the toaster, just like Catherine Tate's comedy sketch.
I've always been a sensitive person and anxiety just magnifies that. Mr C finds it quite funny and to be honest, I can't help laughing as it's ridiculous to be scared of a toaster.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Hi Mrs. C and everyone.
Yes, I'm still here, just been recuperating from the long and exhausting 8 days of travel. I finally arrived home about 10:30 a.m. Sunday and after greeting the dogs and tending to the fish tanks, I hit the recliner. I don't remember much of the rest of the day - I think I was napping on and off all through the day and night and didn't even head up to bed.... I just stayed on the recliner through the night. I didn't sleep at all on the red-eye flight so it had been over 36 hours since I had slept and I guess it was time to catch up. Monday was a lot of the same, just slowly unpacking and napping as needed. When I woke up Tuesday I was going on 4 hours of sleep because I couldn't sleep the night before - I guess my body clock is all off. But I was a ball of energy (just like I used to be when I was constantly exhausted and stressed) running off of pure adrenaline. Today? I slept way too late and now I don't feel like budging so I'm just following my body's lead.

I also did nothing but stuff my face with carbs today, so now I've got the tired dizzies from fluctuating blood sugars. I knew I shouldn't do it, but I figured, what the hell, I don't have to go anywhere today.

I find that my anxiety levels are very low and I am thrilled about that. And what made me notice that is that I don't think about my anxiety as much as I used to, and I'm not constantly "checking in with myself" like I used to. I can go for hours without even thinking about how I feel physically or mentally. THAT is a huge improvement. I don't know if it's retirement or the hypnotherapist, but something has made my anxiety so much better. I didn't even bother taking a tranquilizer before I got on my return flight, when in the past I would need one for the few days before the trip, for the packing and preparation, and all through the flight. Huge improvement for which I am grateful.

But it sounds like things might be getting slightly worse for you, Mrs. C, and for that I'm truly sorry. I wish I had an answer for you or even better, a magic wand, to help you find some peace in life, but we all know it's not something anyone can give us - we have to find our own way to it. I know you will and I know you will get back to feeling strong and confident. We all cycle through good and bad times, so your good time is right around the corner.
Sue

[Carnation]

I'm sure some people must tire of me with my ongoing posting. I don't get the support that some other members do on here or belong in any click or group of friends. I'm mainly alone and mainly have to deal with my woes alone. There's no pats on the back, hugs or support. I'm, but for a few, going it alone. And I made this thread because I believe it is easier to read from one ongoing post as opposed to lots and lots of posts on every subject under the sun. I did it for me and anyone else that can benefit from it and I expect nothing, but progress all round.
But even I have my downfalls and I had one today. :(
I had the most horrendous panic attack this after that almost lead to a 999 call. And if it wasn't for Mr C being around I'd probably be in hospital now.
You see, I didn't know it was a panic attack, I thought there was something seriously wrong and because of that fuelled the panic even more.
I did some research on the forum about panic attacks and although you can find numerous quotes of "I had a panic attack", very rarely does anyone explain what happened to them. And panic can be confused with high anxiety and many symptoms including depersonalisation.

Warning for readers that are sensitive to details.....
Very graphic for trigger readers who choose not to read....

A panic attack with all its frills is the most frightening feeling that you are about to die. I express, is a feeling and no more. It will happen suddenly as it did with me. I became blurry eyed and only see a mist like picture of what was around me. My head felt heavy and unbalanced and a prolonged dizzy feeling. My heart was pounding, I became disoriented, confused and panicked even more.
I could speak and hear quite clearly but it was like my body and brain had been taken hostage.
You can't stand, you can't lie down, you can only writhe with the unpleasantness of the feelings. You have an incredible thirst and sweat and as your body tries to cope with returning to a normal state, your body might jerk and your muscles twitch in periodic fashion for some time after. The body then becomes shivery and you then feel cold. You are left with tremendous fear. Even a trip to the toilet is a scary thought that you may collapse on the way there. It takes time to calm down and reinstate any confidence you might have left.
Thankfully I do not have many of these and my tips during an attack like this is to sip water, trickle some on to your hand and use on your forehead and the back of the neck. Relax the body as much as you can, deep breathe as much you can, eat something sweet like a biscuit and wait for it to pass. As soon as able, act as normal as possible returning to your normal daily routine. Sounds a bit curt, but it's the way to prevent further fear and anxieties.
So there you have it.
My afternoon of sheer fright, all laid bare to see or not to see.
What caused it? I wish I had the answer to that, if we knew, panic attacks would not exist at all.
I was relaxing and just posted my daily post on the forum.
Maybe it was the heatwave, slight dehydration, not eating as much because of the heat, lack of sleep because of the heat, lack of exercise due to the heat. Thankfully I don't have the answer, but thankfully I don't get many of these.
And if any of the silent readers have been helped because they now have an account by account of a Panic Attack that they don't have to think it's anything more but that, then my post has been worthwhile.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Sorry you had a panic attack today, Mrs. C. I'm sure you are going to be anxious and exhausted for several hours (or perhaps days) while recovering from it... it takes such a toll on us, physically and emotionally. Panic attacks are different for everyone, and they even change over time in each person as we age or progress/digress. What really, REALLY irritates me is how lightly and casually the term "panic attack" is thrown around these days. People who use it so casually truly have no idea what a genuine, real panic attack is. It's not "Gee, I thought the airline lost my luggage, I almost had a panic attack!" That's anxiety, people, not a panic attack, and I feel the mis-use of the term really degrades from what those of us unfortunate enough to really have panic attacks go through. So many of us do end up in the hospital due to panic attacks. It is a physical as well as a mental thing, and it's intense, severe, and totally consuming.

Anyway, enough of that rant. I'm sorry you had one today, and try as you might to NOT try to figure out what caused it, you know you're going to. Our survival mode wants to find a reason for it so that we can prevent it from happening again. But your list of possibilities are all valid, and it may have been one or a combination of several of those factors. Or it could have been none of those. But the fact that you jump when your toaster pops up tells me that you are constantly in a heightened state of anxiety, and we need to find a way to bring that down. That is no way to live.

I'm also saddened that you feel alone in your struggle and that you feel you don't get the support you need from this forum. There are a lot of wonderful, caring people here but sometimes, usually when they're starting to feel better, they are not as diligent about logging in or catching up with the new posts. I can see how that makes you feel alone, but let's hope that it means they are doing better and that you will someday be in that category. Actually, I know you will .... each time you take a step back, you then forge ahead with 2 steps forward!

I've offered before and I'll offer again: if you would prefer to exchange emails instead of posting on here daily, I'm more than willing to be your penpal and partner in our struggle with anxiety. Just drop me a PM with your email address and then you can feel free to write whenever you feel the urge, never needing to worry that you are tiring anyone with your posts.

Good job for not going to the hospital and recognizing that it was a panic attack - it's really hard to tell when you're having one if you're truly having a medical emergency or an anxiety-attack that will pass soon. If you're feeling exhausted, go lie down and watch some mindless TV. If you're feeling anxious and wired, run in place or walk in place or do some jumping jacks.... burn off some of that adrenaline. But do it in front of a fan!
Sue

[Carnation]

Thanks so much Sue, for everything you took time to say and after your exhausting trip. I was actually writing my post as you were posting on here.

I sometimes wonder if I should end this thread and question whether it hurts me more to post about the constant reminder of anxiety. The thoughts of just getting on with my life has entered my head many times.
I've taken breaks before and when a member does that, they are rarely missed, maybe for the first week or two, then you become carbon. A bit hard, but a fact.
With any forum, you encounter spite and self wallowing, clicks and trolls. But the plus is also meeting very nice people like yourself and some dear people that helped me through my gruelling time when my mum was ill and when I first had my breakdown.
I've some thinking to do after some good exercise which I've not had since the heatwave.
I know I'm carrying too much adrenalin as I feel it my feet.
I'm by far a lazy person, but the heat had knocked the stuffing out of me.
Yes, I do feel alone, I have for most of my life.
I'm different to the madding crowd, I not one to mix and become one of the girls. Saying that, I'm not a recluse and know a lot of people, but not intimately.
I think I prefer it that way being a loner.
I'd hate the idea of regular socialising and being beholden to things that just doesn't interest me.

Thank you for kind offer Sue, it's much appreciated.
P. S. I totally agree about the 'Panic Attack' phrase. I hear it all the time and I think, "Really? You have no idea!"

[DustingMyselfOff]

Me, too, about never wanting to be "one of the girls". I never have. It's not that I haven't been invited or encouraged to be, but I just always decline until they stop asking. And once in a while I get tempted to bite the bullet and go to one of the outings or events, but I fear that if I did, they would then start nagging me to go to more and more of them and it's a precedent I don't want to start. I wonder if that's because we are introverts or if it's because of our anxiety disorder - afraid of having a panic attack while out so choosing to just avoid the situations totally. For me I think it's a combination of both: I definitely fear embarrassing myself by "flipping out" or having to excuse myself, or being noticeably shaken in front of others, so I'd rather just not chance it. But I also find that when I do attend some social outings, I really, truly do not enjoy them, or at least not as much as others seem to. So I find myself faking small talk and laughter and smiles while all the while wondering what's wrong with me that I'm not enjoying it at all and would so much rather be at home. Hate small talk, hate banter and chatter. Seems like such a waste of time and effort to me.

Regarding forums, I, too, sometimes wonder if participating makes our ailment (whether it be anxiety, colitis, thyroid disease, etc.) worse by constantly talking about it and focusing on it. But more often than not, visiting a forum is more comforting than it is detrimental, at least to me. And sometimes you read about people who are much worse off than you and you leave feeling like perhaps your life isn't so bad after all. If you ever DO decide to take a break, please let us know, first, so I and others won't worry about your silence, OK?
Sue

[Carnation]

Will do Sue x
I'm not posting today, I'm having a day of meditation and exercise and maybe a bit of contemplating

[Carnation]

Same message as yesterday....

[Tyke]

Hi Mrs C, Sue and everyone
Can I just say how much I have enjoyed reading your posts. I've never been one of the crowd and really can't be bothered with all the trivial small talk. I could go out a bit more often, but just don't see the point as I know the sort of conversations that will take place. Many of the experiences others have had have not been possible for me as they have been thwarted by my anxiety issues, but of course, they wouldn't all want to spend the evening talking about my anxiety! I'd soon be labeled and put in a box marked 'AVOID IN FUTURE, MENTALLY ILL!!!'. As has been said before 'All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players'. I don't really want to take part in a performance! I have no interest in lying or exaggerating about my experiences just to 'fit in'. Many of these occasions just seem to be people bragging about their exploits and trying to show off that they are somehow better than everyone else. I find it all really quite nauseating.

I do find some comfort and honesty in these forums, but as Mrs C states, you are quickly forgotten when you leave and your place is soon taken up by other troubled souls! Fortunately when I do leave, I am doing well and need less support. I come back when things are grim and I can't cope. I don't think it's wallowing, or if it is, maybe that's something we need to do from time to time until we are stronger? We are what we are and we would soon take issue with someone who told us to just 'pull ourselves together!'