Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Hi Sue

Well done you! For standing your ground and taking control and more importantly, putting yourself first!
Do you feel guilty? Of course you do. I can just see their face with a turned down smile. But! This is the only way they will kick butt and look for extra staff, otherwise down the line it will be the tiredness that pushes you out and not the job.
Sometimes when you show passion for a job, the bosses think, "Ahhhh, let's pile on more shit.
I was once a bookshop manager and after about 6 months got asked to a meeting where they told me they wanted me to manage a bigger shop of theres. My heart sank as I'd worked hard building and shaping the one I already had and got to know the customers and staff.
"Oh no, they said, we don't want you to leave there, we want you to do both!" And like a fool, I agreed.
My 7 hour day turned into a 10 hour day, plus working from home. So the enjoyment became resentment and I no longer enjoyed it.
It's ok to do favours and help out occasionally, but keep the perspective and you'll have a winner!

My muscle twitching made an appearance yesterday morning, in my shoulder. (that's a new one).
"Yes anxiety, I know you are still there". What a persistent blighter it is, always wanting attention.
It didn't deter me from going for a long walk, popping to the shops, and visiting some friends about 5 miles away. Although we didn't stay long, it was a "Hi, how you doing, can't stay long, have a dinner to cook, but thought we'd just pop by".
Came away with an invite over the Christmas and thought "shucks, maybe shouldn't have gone and already thinking of an excuse to get out of it".

But, anxiety behaved, because I told it too, if it wants to be with me, it has to tow the line. But have to say that evening I was incredibly tired and that was by 9pm. Although it was 10pm really with the clock change.
It was my first time in a Supermarket for about 6 weeks!
Not a Superstore, but still isles built like a rabbits warren, so pleased I managed it with flying colours.

Sue, remember the anxiety symptoms are just there to remind you and not to disable you. x

And keep up the good work Mrs M, we've got this! x

Wait.... what?!?!?! I had to go back and read that twice: you popped into a friend's house for a quick visit and chat!?!?!?!? WOW!!!!! That is awesome, and so shocking! Anxiety or not, I don't think I would ever do that without someone holding a gun to my head! Not only would it cause anxiety, but I wouldn't enjoy it at all - I just can't tolerate the meaningless small talk anymore. But I am so impressed that you did it, and so proud of you! Mr. C. must have been quite thrilled, too!

And .... a grocery store?!?!? What's going on with you? You taking the world by storm and showing it who's boss? Of course you were more tired than usual that evening, you had good reason to be (two reasons, if the time change affects you, also). OK, so you did some amazing things ...... don't be disheartened if your body and mind decide to take one step back now, just to "remind you".

And I love that line - I may have to write it down and carry it with me: "Symptoms are just there to remind you, not disable you." I LOVE THAT! I could even start a habit of thanking the symptoms for the reminder and turning them into a positive thing instead of a negative one.

Regarding my job, I didn't really feel much guilt about saying "no extra hours this week", but I was nervous about doing it. Once I did, I was relieved. But it's funny: I'm already a little nervous about what I'm going to do with the extra time I have this week? Two full days of no job commitment? I wonder how I did that for a full 6 months.... I need a refresher course. And the part of me that throws myself completely into any job or commitment I make almost toyed with the thought of offering to permanently work more hours, but my Higher Self fortunately shot that idea down quickly. VOLUNTEERING to go in more often sometimes is OK, but being COMMITTED to it would soon burn me out.

Thanks for being my conscience, Mrs. C. I need to approach this job with a slow, steady, manageable pace, rather than totally throw myself into it. That may require a personality adjustment, but I'm up for trying!
Sue

[Carnation]

Sue, use those days to prep for the working days. Groceries, preping meals, laundry, pampering, catching up with mail and phone calls. Then on your work days you can come in and just flop or do as you please.
Any change of routine takes some getting used to.
In my younger days I used to go out every night and when I had to stay in, I didn't know what to do with myself. I'd be pacing around like a caged animal.

Yes, a great achievement yesterday, but these friends have a shop, so you can mooch about while they are serve customers. So, it wasn't a sit down staring each other making smalltalk situation. But still, it was a huge task for me. The trouble with being off the scene is people ask where you have been. You can't really tell them the truth, so you make up silly excuses.

Today I went a step further and went in to the big town.
Quite nervous going and didn't stay long, but slashed that one to pieces too.
Stopped off at a collectables emporium on the way back and mooched, yes mooched about in there for half an hour. I'm adopting mooching as my new floating.

I'm now on workbook 3 of my CBT. I can't tell you how much my head is swimming in knowledge. If I carry on like this I could probably hold lectures on the stuff.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Wow, Mrs. C...... look at you go!!!!! Has Mr. C noticed or commented on the changes?

Yes, we are so much alike (as we had previously discovered). If I didn't have plans and commitments for a Friday or Saturday night, I would be totally out of sorts and it was almost a crisis. Now? It's a crisis when I DO have to go out.
Sue

[Carnation]

Mr C has not commented Sue, he's probably scared too. x

[Darksky]

So much to catch up on...again. I suppose I shouldn't complain that we are busy.
You sound very positive Mrs.C. Do you think you have turned a corner. Are those workbooks helping do you think. I understand the reasoning for removing safety behaviours and crutches. It's telling yourself that you can't cope without water, glasses etc when in reality you can. It's just anxiety telling you, you cant do it.
i have an emergency benzo in my purse. I have never used it and doubt I ever will but knowing it's there is a comfort. Classic safety net behaviour...not good.

isnt it funny, we all, in our youth, pre anxiety went here there and everywhere. I once travelled miles to a concert with absolutely no idea how I was going to get home! Worse case, I thought, I would sleep on the railway station. The thought of not being able to get home now is the stuff of horror movies. What has this condition done to us

i think it makes us feel like children rather than the grown adults we actually are.

[Carnation]

Darksky!! x

I think it's been a combination of stuff Darksky.
Plenty of rest, daily affirmations, CBT, Mindfulness, Meditation.... It consumes my day, but if it allows me to function, then it's worth doing.
I'm not out of the woods yet, muscle twitching still apparent as well as some other symptoms and those unwanted racing thoughts, but I'm not cocooned in my bed for most of the day, as I was only weeks ago.

Safety behaviour can be a comfort when you are rock bottom, but I never realised that letting go of some of it actually changed my mindset and it allowed me to be more confident. Carrying a mobile and a bottle of water everywhere was actually cumbersome when trying to do something and as they were both in my sight I was reminding myself of the condition 24/7.

I was the same in my youth Darksky. A big risk taker and lived life on the edge. Didn't bother me one little bit in those days. And yrs, I feel more like a child now needing comfort, pampering and care. That's why having a pet is good for us.

[Darksky]

I love my cat cuddles. He's only a moggy but he's long haired and very pretty. Our dogs make us walk them, so I suppose it's good mentally for me. Snow, rain or sunshine they demand to go out. So whereas I would rather collapse on the sofa, maybe I'm tired, feel off colour, I have to get my butt in gear and take them out.

they can also be great teachers in that they always live in the moment. They don't sit and ruminate over what's gone and neither do they concern themselves with the future, of which they have no concept. Channel your inner cat

[Mrsmitchell1984]

Hey Carnation,

Just butting in to say well done for all your progress. You have worked really hard and it’s good to see you reap the rewards.

I know what you mean when you say you do not feel out of the woods yet- but it’s just getting your confidence back that all is well. The affirmations get into your conscience and help your brain to feel safe again so that it doesn’t have to put us on high alert anymore. Then just accepting all that comes - helps recovery too- along with reducing the safety behaviours. It’s amazing what safety behaviours you develop and then you realise - oh I was doing that to help me - but actually it wasn’t helping and it was hindering.

I hope you continue to make progress. I still have really light sleep and wake at the drop of a hat but I am just trying to accept that maybe this is how it is now. I am tracking my sleep with my cheap version of a smart watch and it makes me realise that I am getting better sleep that I think- so the anxiety can’t fool me that much. Have you tried magnesium supplements for the twitches- it comes in liquid form or you could increaee
magnesium rich foods in your diet- lentils/nuts xxxx

[Carnation]

Good morning Mrs M

Good reminder about the magnesium. I remember eating almond nuts by the packet when I had my initial breakdown. Good for you too. Also handy to know magnesium comes in liquid form.
Confidence has definitely been part of the problem. Even without anxiety and that's where the affirmations help.
I'm so busy with all this work with affirmations, meditation, CBT, muscle relaxing, exercises, reading, visualisation, exposure.... By the time I get to the evening I'm exhausted!
I have problems with my sleep too Mrs M, but it is improving. Do you do gratitudes before you go to sleep? It helps with the calming of the mind.
However, I've always been a one to get up for the loo in the night, but my sleep is much deeper.
Hopefully by Christmas, maybe even before we will be in much better shape to deal with it. x

[Carnation]

Yesterday I mainly stayed in and all I could think of was going out. I actually want to go out now, so eventually we did although quite late in the day.
I braved going in to a clothes shop which is something I don't normally enjoy. For one thing, staff come up to you or worse still, watch you walk around.
I was actually ok, although it's never been pleasurable for me.
Popped in to the Post Office as well and finished up at the corner shop.
All visits were plain sailing and accomplished.
I'm back on the garage duties of sorting and clearing out.
I've warned Mr C not to undo all my hard work of organisation, which has probably fallen on deaf ears.

I'm very aware that my anxiety symptoms are still there. It's certainly stubborn and persistent, but my overall composure is much better.
I find myself muttering all those tips that CBT advise, so I'm actually talking to myself in silence.
I read this recently......
'the body is the unconscious mind where emotions are stored'.
So true and completely makes sense to me.
We do need to ask ourselves, "what does my body need right now?" Rest, food, exercise, a walk, a cup of tea?
Tuning into our bodies needs is important.
I don't know how many times in the past and even present I've said to myself, "I'll just finish this before I make dinner or go to bed". We have to remind ourselves what is important!
Everything doesn't stop because of us, so put No1 first! x