Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[Justanutter]

Carnation, thinking of you on your Mum’s anniversary x

[Carnation]

Hi a Justanutter, thank you!
Hope you are ok, or as near to it. x

[Carnation]

I don't know whether it's the weather, the lockdown or the intervention of my screen viewing with bombardment of Covid related stuff, but I'm getting highly anxious for periods throughout the day.
I deal with the normal anxiety stuff best I can, but these moments are bordering on a panic attack or meltdown.
They are very hard to control and distraction seems to be the only tool working.
Yesterday I managed to get into the garden for about an hour to potter around filling up the bird feeders and a bit of pruning. I was feeling perfectly ok until I realised the time and I hadn't had my normal drink and snack. I immediately thought I was going to faint as a result of this and felt panic rising. Which looking at it logically was ridiculous and something I thought I had under control.
Besides, I've put on so much weight during lockdown I'd be well fed with nutrients for a long time, lol.

On another note I get this when I am cooking and preparing meals too and makes my life in the kitchen very jittery and not pleasant at all. I'm quite at ease washing up, cleaning the floor, putting food away etc, but come meal preparation time I turn into a over anxious octopus on speed!
I'm fine if I prepare my vegetables sitting on the sofa in front of the tv, but there's something about standing there over the cooker or preparing at the worktops.
By the time I sit down to eat my meal I'm so jaded and upset and puzzled why I am like this and still continue to struggle as I have done for many years. I've tried standing in the kitchen doing nothing. Looking out of the window for distraction. Having the tv on so I can hear something to divert my thoughts. Singing, very badly. Talking myself through my actions mindfully. Wearing weighted boots. Stripping off to a t. Shirt. Talking to myself with a reassurance that my thoughts are not real. And still I struggle.
Are the potatoes the trigger? No, I get it with breakfast items. Is it food? No, I get it making a cup of tea.
I've exhausted my coping mechanisms and ideas, so I'll either have to put up with it or have all my meals delivered. Although if they arrive late, that's a trigger for me too.

[Justanutter]

Oh my goodness Carnation, we are twins! �� This is exactly me. It starts at breakfast as if I don’t get something down me pronto, I feel like I’ll keel over so it’s not a pleasant start to the day. I struggle to eat first thing but not doing so isn’t an option. Have to eat an hour or so later then otherwise don’t feel I have any energy for anything. Lunch isn’t too bad but because my tummy is bad, thinking what to have enough to fill me is getting hard. Tea time is a nightmare as exactly like you, I start to prep and then all of a sudden I feel a hypo coming on so panic like mad to make a cuppa with about 3 sugars and half a banana or grab some rubbish and then by the time tea is ready, can’t eat it properly or don’t want it. It’s awful. I’ve tried prepping earlier and the only thing that works is if I’ve put some sort of stew on earlier in the day and I can just grab mine quick and do husband’s and son tea later once I’m sorted. Tried all the same sort of distraction stuff but like you, to no avail. I’m finding that when I’m awake during the night I’m already thinking of what to eat, what to make etc. for that day. It’s exhausting. I’m feeling so ill again every morning till about midday, it’s getting me down. I definitely think this is all getting too much now, I’m doing less and less each day and have no motivation whatsoever. You’re not on your own Carnation. I don’t know what the answer is either. Just burn out and an over active nervous system.

[Carnation]

That's exactly like it is Justanutter and the only comfort is knowing there are others that feel the same.
Because you know how the mind likes to try and convince it might be something seriously wrong with you. Not that I'm playing down the strength of anxiety.

I'm exactly the same with mealtimes and welcome evenings when I have a jacket potato with something else I can just shove in the oven.
I also make a Casserole every week which helps apart from all the prep before hand.
I have this problem with takeaways too and the waiting period and often have to take a sugary snack with me as a just in case.
If I go out I think I need to be loaded up with sugar and shove chocolate down my gob before leaving the house.
I'm never hungry, but if my stomach feels iffy or makes noises I just feed it with more food.
I feel that I can't go longer than 4 hours without some form of food but once my evening meal is consumed I'm fine until the morning.
You are right it is exhausting!
I'm thinking of getting a barbecue for the summer so I can just keep chucking food on it all day long, lol.
But seriously. Its not just that. I have my safety foods too that I know that are good for me and help with anxiety, then foods that might upset my tummy or give me reflux.
Porridge is a must for me because it lines my stomach and is on the good list. But I worry I don't get my sugar intake so have to biscuits until lunch.
And this is when I'm not even doing anything.
I have the same with intake of liquids for fear of hydration. Only thing is it seems to come out of me not long after I have consumed and always have an urgency for the loo.
I get the making a cup of tea while cooking as well Justanutter.

I've lost motivation too during lockdown and have to force myself to go for a walk which I don't really enjoy because it's a mixture of trying to ground myself, not tense up and not fear fainting when I am out. Let alone the fuzzy eyesight.

But somehow I manage to get through the day to face the same situation day after day after day.
I know it's not a permanent state because I've been free of it at times. So I'm putting it down to a highly anxious state with OCD tendencies for a safe mechanism.
The lockdown, the state of the world, the massive life changes, the disconnection from our family and friends, the fear of becoming ill, the virus, the vaccine, the loneliness, depression, restless sleep, the bad weather......
Well, its got to have an effect. Especially when we have anxiety to begin with.
All we can do is just do what we are capable of doing, take one day at a time, not feel guilty that we might not be doing much with our time. Be kind to ourselves. Understand what a difficult time we are going through.
All those things are tiring and upsetting, but we need to remind ourselves that they are not life threatening.
It's good to share how we feel. That in itself can be the comfort we need next time we cook a meal or go for a walk. Just knowing there's someone else that feels exactly the way you feel and understands you can be the tonic you need to get through that day. xx

[Justanutter]

Oh goodness, it certainly does make you feel better knowing someone else is exactly the same even if we don’t understand what’s going on with us!! Had to laugh about the takeaway....tonight the guys were bringing one in and they still hadn’t got back when they said they would and despite having a few crackers with cottage cheese on to keep me going at about 5pm, by 7pm I started to get the hypo feeling so had to make the sugary cuppa and was desperately looking for something to eat quickly so bunged in some microwave rice and ate a sausage that I’d cooked for the doggies ��*♀️....hence only managed a small portion of my duck pancakes! I too have to make sure I’m loaded up with food before going anywhere....the family take the mic and don’t believe me and think it’s all in the mind but it’s our constant anxiety using up all the energy reserves. No wonder my poor stomach plays up! It’s got to get better once we are able to go about a normal day because like you say, what’s being thrown at us all the time at the moment is just too much. Yes, one day at a time x

[Carnation]

Justanutter, it must be our mind doing this.
Look at the facts. Going without food for a couple of hours is more than normal, isn't it? We think we need sugar, but we know sugar makes us more hyper.
Personally I think we use the food /drink thing as a deterent against a panic attack.

Now when I had my initial breakdown 7 years ago. I was the complete opposite. I could barely swallow food and chose things that were easy to digest and small portions, often not finishing my meal.
But go back even further. I never used to it breakfast and my lunch would not be eaten until around 1pm. And that's on a day's work. I'd have a late evening meal around 8 ish and I managed to survive years and years without any problems. Lots of junk food too.
So we are not going to die because we haven't eaten something for 2 hours, even 4 or 6.
I think for me it's because we think we might faint or something like that.
Our brain is sending a message when we feel a bit iffy, whether it's a gurgling stomach, feeling off balance, fuzzy eyes. We think food is the healer.
Perhaps we even had a memory where we hadn't eaten for a while and was ill and we are linking it to the fact we had not eaten. Messages are sent to us from our brain that works from past events.
And the only way to rid this habit is to put it to the test of challenging it. Easier said than done, I know.

[MRS STRESS ED]

[QUOTE=Carnation;1994354]Thinking of my mum today ❤️
4 years passed.


Bless you Carnation people say time heals it does but god it still hurts love to you 💖

[Carnation]

Thank you Mrs S
I really felt the loss this year. Too much time to think and reminisce.
Hope you are ok or as well as can be expected. x

[Justanutter]

Yes Carnation, usually I go off my food completely, just survive on bananas and porridge but this time I need to eat to keep the hypos away but my stomach doesn’t want anything in it �� Was literally awake from the moment I went to bed last night, all night, with weird stomach again and feeling so ill. Had a very small meal at around 6pm but it was a bit of steak with fries that had gone cold really and a bit of cauliflower cheese....felt like I’d eaten bricks. Feel so weepy this morning fearing there’s something sinister going on as this is not my normal stress tummy. So fed up today.��x