Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[fishman65]

Fishman, you really are such a nice guy.
And a little of me thinks you come on my thread because it must appear I'm just chatting away to myself most of the time with very little response from others.
Lol, I'm use to that because that is the reality of us sufferers. Little outside communication, practically no invitations and dare I say, no friends. Either people see you as an outcast or you make yourself one.
However we still get lonely at times and seek some sort of human contact and NMP allows us to do that. I have met some wonderful people on here that will be lifelong friends and outweigh most of the people I have met throughout my life.
Fishman, you truly are amazing! You have your 92 year old father who seems to have no help but from you. Your wife seemingly depends on you 24/7. Let alone the rest of the family. Just remember the next time you feel jaded what you actually have leaning on you.
And you still find time to pop on someone's thread to give them support. Which you've done many a time with our friend Buster.
You have one big heart my friend and one of the most selfless people I have ever met. You reread that last sentence fishman, especially when you feel washed out again with all your duties and caring. And for just a part of the day, you take time for you because you deserve it!

Bless you Carnation I am deeply touched by your very kind words but unsure as to whether I deserve or can live up to them. There are people here on NMP that are far more selfless than me, including yourself. Having said all that, your words have made my day so I won't knock them any further.

Ultimately we all have to grit our teeth and get on with things, which you yourself do every time you get out of bed in the morning. However my day has been further made by the delivery of the new aquarium light. Its an LED one and has different settings where you can alter the light to different ends of the spectrum and also the intensity. So I've been like a kid with a new toy. That said, I'm choosing lighting that is most natural for the fish. Their wellbeing takes priority.

Keep writing here Carnation, it is therapy for you. Look after yourself too ok?

[Carnation]

The small joys in life during our days of pain and suffering fishman. Your led light brought you one of those joyous moments. The saving you made, another accomplishment of joy. And seeing your fish swim around in the home you made for them. Might seem all too slushy for some people but for folks like us it means so much.
Maybe after a day of feeling like the walls are closing in and weighted muscles that twitch and remind us constantly of our anxiety. As you say, walking as what seems like walking on a boat for most of the day with unreliable eyesight that makes you think there could be something seriously wrong. And the only comfort is knowing that there are others that suffer the exact same thing and the fact that you had this last year, the year before, even 5 or 10 years in the making is reassurance that it isn't going to kill you but a condition of anxiety. If your muscles can twitch by these then it can make you feel like you are walking on air too. Laugh at it! It's ridiculous. Of course we are not walking on air, a boat, a mattress, uneven floor. It's an allusion of our mind. A mind that has been exhausted, stressed, worried and wanting time out! It's strangely there to protect you. To keep you safe. Maybe try a Prince Charles walk with your hands looped behind your back once in a while. It stops you from slouching when we feel so frightened and stoop over with our head held rigid. Let your head move and glance at everything around you. Do double takes and you will see how able you are.

[Carnation]

Even with progress, there are blips.
I've been going through one myself.
That feeling like something terrible is going to happen and your whole world is going to be taken away from you.
Anxiety symptoms that crop up for no particular reason, maybe a new symptom that you haven't felt before that makes you think "I've got something seriously wrong with me" and then health anxiety is in full throttle and you start shining a torch on all the marks on your body, looking for lumps and taking photos with your phone so you can stare at it readily and fuel your worries even further.
There's always a question with us when we do make any progress on how long it will last and to a certain extent an unwillingness to actually be happy and believe we are healthy.
The pandemic and all its affects can only remind us of danger and our mortality. And all those days of reminders in the form of news bulletins, graphs, preventions, protection and worry has only confirmed our thoughts of something bad lurking. Little did we know that it would be worldwide as we are always so concerned about ourselves all the time constantly thinking "what will become of me", "what does the future hold for me", "what is wrong with me", "why do I feel this way".
But we've got through it, just like our days of anxiety.
I've learnt that these thoughts may never leave us and we can only accept them and let them pass like a cloud that passes through the sky. Storms pass and so can our unwanted thoughts. I've also learnt that you have to keep going and those scary moments that something bad is going to happen to you also pass. These moments, probably thousands over your period of time of suffering should be a reminder that they are just a passing bad thought created by our worried mind.
We are not weak and we are physically able.
Take yesterday. I wasn't feeling my best. There was a thunderstorm on and off all day and it's a phobia of mine so I was very edgy and wanted to hide from the day until it passed. But once the storm passed I pushed myself to go for a walk and found it was probably the longest walk I'd had for a very long time. I felt better for it and pleased I'd made the effort instead of wallowing in my worry pit of "I can't do anything, I don't feel good".
So when we make any progress and find it dip into the old mode of "one step forward, two steps back". Accept it, don't overthink it, remind yourself it will pass and carry on.
Have your moment of tears, have your rest and relaxation, but then dust yourself down and keep going. Don't let anxiety take your living away from you. Yeah, I know it's not easy, but you can still do it, because people that suffer from anxiety are courageous and have such a will to survive!

[Catkins]

Thank you Carnation.

[Carnation]

[fishman65]

A thank you from me too Carnation. Your thoughts put to posts are inspiring. Not such a good day here either, a nasty panic mid afternoon so I changed the bedding upstairs to try and distract myself.

We lost our little border terrier in March of last year. Mrs F has an enlarged photo of him chewing on a hair brush. It is framed and on the frame it says 'I loved you for all of your life, and I shall miss you for the rest of mine'.

I looked at it and blubbed. Probably the first time since the day he died. It shocked me but then I started to think perhaps I haven't processed his death properly. After all with Covid, everything seems to have been engulfed by the pandemic. We've barely had time to stand and stare.

We have two border terriers down the garden now, buried near the pond and wrapped in a blanket of forget-me-nots. Only they are allowed to grow there, in eternal tribute and love.

[Catkins]

I feel you Fishman65. I have an 11 year old border terrier. If anything was to happen to her, I would be completely lost.

[Carnation]

Oh my fishman. That would be the last thing I would do if I felt panicky. Changing the bed brings me out into a hot sweat and I get so stressed with that duvet cover.
Isn't it strange how we all turn to different things for our calm. My garden is my distraction and grounding place.
I clean the house when I'm feeling too much adrenalin.
I do ironing or hoover when I'm mad about something.
When I feel panicky I try now to just feel it and let it pass if it doesn't I listen to a calming app, play a game on the Internet, watch a film or go for a walk. Just sitting and writhing is so uncomfortable. Let alone all the other feelings.

I'm so sorry to hear your sad news about your border terrier. It leaves such an emptiness within your heart.
I've have no doubt that any sadness or trauma would have been back shelved due to the virus situation.
But I also think when we are feeling low, the pain and sadness of such events rise to the surface and a few tears are the bodies natural way of calming us down. Never be afraid to let go once in a while. We are not made of stone. Did you know our tears are releasing toxics in our bodies?
I normally have a good cry at a film. Especially if there is a connection personally.
It's very common to feel the worst after an event than during. When you relax your body can deal with issues that needs to be dealt with.

When anxiety is high, so are our senses.
Mr C could be washing up the pots and pans and I will hear a rendition of a steel band. My eyes become like saucers. I can smell like super sensory. Not forgetting the walking on air feeling.
Another weird symptom is when your skin becomes sensitive to touch. It may be your arm or leg or the top of your head. The sort of feeling you might have if you brushed yourself against a toxic plant in the garden.

I remember when I first went to the Drs with my new weird symptoms. I listed them on a piece of A4 paper, all 30+ of them. The Doctor read threw them, looked at me and said, "Anxiety". "What's that?", I thought. I don't even feel anxious. If she had said an overworked nervous system or adrenalin fatigue or a stress induced condition. I would have thought, "Ahh," I get that". And would scanned my life so far and thought, "yeah, that's the result of all my pain, worry, trauma and sadness".
And off you are sent with no idea how to deal with this compendium of symptoms, how to get rid of them or why you've got them. You get given a number of something called therapy that on phoning you are told there's a waiting list of months, possibly a year!
In the meantime you have to do something because you can't live with all these symptoms.
And most people just carry on with their lives hoping they will go away. But they don't. Because you haven't changed anything in your life. And you haven't dealt with the trauma, the stress and the fatigue that you have already accumulated. Your cup overfloweth.
And its not easy to change your life just like that. You might have a job that's pulling you down. A partner. Illness in the family or yourself. An accident, a loss, a way of life.
But you don't need to do too much to notice small changes in your wellbeing. Good sleep if you can get it. Naps to catch up if you can't. A healthy diet and regular meals. Relaxation and hobbies. Gentle exercise.
Time for yourself is very important and it's so common that selfless people suffer the most.
Never feel guilty about taking time for you. You are just as important as all the other things in your life.

[fishman65]

Many thanks to you both. Carnation, your responses often feel like those of a wise agony aunt, and I mean that in the best possible way. I will try to answer but Mrs F has the TV on which distracts my train of thought.

I'm not sure why I decided to change the bedding, only that it needed doing so got on with it. The crying over the picture was likely an inevitable reaction to a loss not properly addressed combined with the sapping influence of high anxiety. I don't mind 'admitting' to crying on these forums, in all other scenarios I'm a typical 'bloke' who wouldn't confess to it IRL.

Anxiety is all about stimulation, both physical and emotional which can leave us exhausted. So will have to leave this for now, its been another long day.

[glassgirlw]

Oh Mrs. C - it’s funny you mentioned changing the bedding. I ordered some new sheets for Mr. G’s and my bed. Got a great deal on them, 75% off!! We have those adjustable beds - it’s a king size bed but it’s two twin xl’s basically that move independently of each other - so the head and feet can lower to our preferences. For all intents and purposes I love them. But wow is it a battle to change the bedding. I did one bed today then had to sit down with a fan blowing on me for twenty minutes before I could tackle the second bed. I fully consider that my workout for today hahaha.