Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[Carnation]

Today I met a lovely lady who I got chatting to about Life in general and had so much in common it was almost like a mirror image of myself!
It even turned out that a friend had recently done the dirty on her, which weirdly happened to me too.
It was like we were meant to meet each other and it certainly helped me with my downer over a so-called friend turning out to be quite the opposite.
Isn't it weird when something like that happens.
My anxiety is still trying to dominate me.
From wobbly legs standing on one spot, blurred vision and even those horrid head zaps.
I'm hoping it is just a glitch.
The last two days I have been out and about most of the day and I feel like I need a day indoors doing nothing but veg out. So, that's the plan.
I have neglected my tlc. I've been so busy fighting the days that I just need a day to me!

[Carnation]

Had myself a 'Duvet Day' today. My choice, not Anxiety.
Turned out to be quite apt with the terrible weather.
No, I am not moaning about the cold, just the rain, wind and dark day. Feels like we have skipped to November and bypassed the gradual cooling down and my favourite temperature of around 20/21c.
So,I chose wisely for my chill day, all tucked up in my duvet with a bit of reading and a lot of napping.
So, it got me thinking about something I read.
It's all about overcoming anxiety.
Apparently, if you imagine doing something in your mind that you normally fear, it supposedly gets easier when you do it for real.
I chose driving. Probably my worst fear, apart from going out on my own.
You can choose practically anything from walking, doing a task and even things like public speaking, which is good practice for the real thing.
Do, when you do this, you try to imagine what you might see, hear, touch and feel. And it is expected that you might feel a slight reaction in the way of a tingle or tummy gurgle when you do this. When I did this, I got the gurgling of the stomach and that was all. I felt quite relaxed. I was not scared or anxious, because I think deep down I knew I was practising.
If it works, I think it is a brilliant idea.
There are no rules to how many times you can do this before you do it for real or a time span. I think we all know when we are ready, capable or confident enough.
It's a good thing too for getting to know how your body reacts to certain things.
In my mind, I have driven to the town and back, all on my own.

[Buster70]

Hi there , just thought I'd poke my ugly mug in , it does feel like we've gone from heat wave back to beast from the east over night , I went out at 5 am yesterday and it was still dark and bloody freezing , I was wearing shorts , tshirt and my van hasn't got a heater , my brain and body don't like quick changes I need time to adapt .
The idea of going over things that bring on the anxiety seems to be my whole day , I go over and over every aspect of my day even making phone calls to people I need to deal with , I go over everything I will say before I even dial ( isbit still called dialling ? Or am I stuck I the seventies ? ) , I think maybe I'd do better to not go over things quite so much and JUST DO IT , I'm going to bloody do it anyway .
If you and magic need some bloke shoes for your swollen clown feet my feet seem to have grown from size ten to ten and a half so I've got some ten's that don't fit anymore you are welcome to them
Take care all .

[Carnation]

No Buster, I think they would be a little large for me or Magic. You have a point with going up a size or half, because I have in the last decade and if very hot, nothing seems to fit. And now all my shoes are slipping when I walk due to the temperature drop. Is that why socks were invented?
Buster, I was referring to people that are in a position where they cannot do things due to fear like driving a car, going outside, being on their own like me where I can't just 'go for it' and 'do it', because the fear is so strong it almost paralyses you. There are people that have not been outside for many years and I have not driven on my own for several years. I applaud you for just 'doing it'. That's a major achievement and you should be proud of that.

[Carnation]

I had an amazing day yesterday. In total, I was out for a total of 8 hours solid. We drove a 45 minute drive to a large town, you know, the ones with all those big superstores and what I call an industrial estate of shops. I conquered 3 superstores with no wobbles or anxiety. A department store restaurant. Queued 4 times without wanting to run for my life and although exhausted at the end of the day, felt very impressed with my coping. The strange thing was, I was absolutely petrified before I went.
Today was a different story. Mainly due to a cluster of stings, (think a hornet), on my feet, which kept me awake most of the night with throbbing and burning. I wanted to stick my feet out, but was fearful of a midnight mosquito having a go at them as well. Just the weight of the duvet felt like a ton of bricks and I think it was about 4am when I eventually got off to sleep.
But that wasn't all. My sinuses were giving me havoc and a constant stabbing pain in the eye and head was causing my health anxiety to go into overdrive.
So, I end up lying there thinking, "Oh no, brain hemorrhage!" Until my reasonable thoughts came in to calm me by relating it to my sinuses.
I've felt weak all day and back to the anxious walking and overthinking everything.
Two conflicting days.
The calm day should have been the anxious day and the relaxing day should have been just that.
Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to feelings or explanations and it sort of proves that sometimes you just have to live a day at a time and as it comes.

[Carnation]

I have been really upset by the Kim and Colleen incident that was on 'Loose Women' yesterday. I don't watch the programme, just caught snips of it, but I was aware of the CBB that featured the both of them about 18 months ago which became very heated between them. The media have labelled it a 'feud'.
Back to yesterday, which is now all plastered over the media. Kim Woodburn was invited to appear on 'Loose Women' to apparently sort out this feud.
Well, it was one of the most uncomfortable TV viewing I have seen, including BB and various other reality TV shows. Kim didn't want to be there and said so, but it was encouraged that she do so and was enticed with money!
So, when faced with Colleen and her sister and two other loose women, basically all he'll broke out and Kim broke down.
Now I am not a lover of either of these two women, but I think the 'media', should be ashamed of themselves for allowing an idea like this to take place.
It is not a secret that Kim has issues with an abusive past that she thankfully outlived. But you can see the pain is still there. Apart from abuse as a child, bullying at school was also an incident. And there she is, on this show, a seventy something woman and as far as I took it, was placed in a bullying situation.
I felt so strong about what happened that I had to comment.
No person should ever be put in a position where they feel uncomfortable or taunted.
No one should be laughed at or ridiculed because they look or act a bit different.
And TV needs to go back to providing entertainment that makes you feel good about yourself or teaches you useful stuff instead of adding to the stress and pain that you already might have in your life.
Rant over.....

---------- Post added at 20:50 ---------- Previous post was at 19:17 ----------

Still have a stabbing pain in my eye and now the pain in my head has moved to the other side. If it wasn't for my streaming nose, I'd be freaking out!
It's been real chilly the last few nights and we succumbed to putting the heating on in the evening, so I can only surmise that is the reason.
My walking has been pretty good as is my eyesight, despite the stabbing pains But. My other half keeps telling me that I am jolting my neck forward and hanging my head low. Ahhhh. Maybe that is why I have head and eye pain. No, nose, was definitely streaming today.
However, I do need to get my posture sorted, so I am imagining I am carrying a book on my head around the house like in some girl's school for ladies.
I have also been de-cluttering. My heads messed up, but I at least want a clutter free home. I have to say, it does help. Walking in to a room with mess everywhere just makes you sigh and want to walk out again.
If I don't use it, need it or want it, it goes!

[Carnation]

Today I bought a exercise mat and a dvd on pilates for body & balance. It states that I will feel better after 10 sessions and even look better after 20 and if that's not enough, have a completely different body in 30 sessions. well, I can't not try it after reading that. I am eager to report back on my progress on that one.
Another full day today and out for most of it.
It started with a trip to one of those mobile banks that they created and you have under 2 hours to catch it.
They park these vans in the most inconvenient locations where you can't park nearby, so you have to add on about half an hour, otherwise you could miss it.
So, there we were, crampy little van with absolutely no privacy and as time went on, the crampy little van got even more cramped with people standing like packed sardines. This was my excuse to exit and left my O/H to wait in the queue. There I find myself struggling with an elderly gentleman trying to get him up the makeshift steps and the result was him nearly falling back on top of me. If it wasn't for my partner running to my rescue, he would have done just that. We got him in eventually, but what a to do and no help from the 3 staff inside.
It also got me thinking how someone in a wheelchair would overcome this new invention the bank has created as a way of a service?
That was the beginning of the day and I am pleased to say that my day improved.
It was a beautiful day. We went for a drive, nearly had an altercation with another car, because they pulled out of a junction without checking if it was safe and for the first time since my crash, I didn't flinch, scream or panic. I strangely felt perfectly calm.
We ended up in a lovely village and the sun was just a perfect heat to sit and have tea and cake.
The strangest thing when I was out was I was thinking of my mum when I saw her favourite flowers and one of her favourite songs was playing on the radio.
Again, it didn't upset me, I felt a comforting feeling that my mum was watching over me.
My health anxiety is still very prominent with my headaches and eye pain, not forgetting the 'Something terrible is about to happen' thoughts, but what you can you do, but carry on with your day and hope the next day is a better one.

[Carnation]

So, I am pleased to say that I have been head and eye pain free today, despite yet another disturbed sleep last night. For some reason I am finding it difficult to get off and when I do, I wake up again at 4am. I read some where that it takes 21 days to form a habit. That could be the reason that anxiety is so prominent in our lives. To be free from anxiety for 21 days, seems like a dream. Not impossible, but definitely something that would need a lot of work. But as far as changing your sleep pattern, the body works on routine and when you sleep it is more of a subconscious state of working on autopilot. In the past, I have read until I dropped off, but my concentration is very minimal and the mind takes over. I'm not even comfortable. I've changed the type of bedding several times, tidied the room, placed nice things to look at in the room, ventilated the room, but I don't think it is anything to do with the room or bed. The problem is my head!
You don't need to have any worries in particular, it might just be down to thinking about how well you are going to cope the next day or over think about the future. I do both and a lot more. Emptying the head of 'stuff' is one of the hardest things to do. I've tried going to bed early and just laid there for 2 hours thinking, "what a waste of time".
I've also read that it is better to adjust your sleeping time gradually. I don't mind going to bed late, it's the getting off and waking in between.
I just pray it's not 21 days worth and becoming a habit.
Habits Can be broken and I have broken many in my lifetime. You can break a habit in a moment and sometimes habits are a point of being in control or if honest turning to something to get you through the day, whether it is having a glass of wine or watching TV until the early hours of the morning.
No one lives a perfect life, but we are under the illusion that life should be about perfection.
At the end of day, it is happiness and health that becomes important to us and if we can achieve this, then that is a good goal, perfect or not.

[Carnation]

Woke up again at 4am. went back to sleep OK, but carried the twitchy eye syndrome around with me all day. Then spent an afternoon feeling like I was swaying or maybe the room was swaying? Either way, it is very distressing and puzzling.
I've had this before and remember when looking at clothes on a rail in a shop, as I moved the clothes along, I would feel myself moving with them. You feel like you are about to fall, but you don't. No one even comments about this, so it must be an inner self feeling.
So, cheered myself up with some cake today made with honey and lavender. The two things I think is good for your health and use abundantly, so getting both and in cake! Well, dreams can come true.
It's no secret that I suffer with my sinuses on an almost permanent basis, but I am finding a lot people on my travels are also suffering the same. And we can't blame it on central heating with the weather we have had. It's certainly something which seems to be very common these days.
I'm finishing my day with a self foot massage. Apparently there are hundreds of nerves in the foot that connect to the rest of the body. So in my mind, if you can relax the foot, you should be able to relax the body.
It's something you can do sitting down, watching TV or in bed before going to sleep.
Anything to aid banishing the 4am wake up every night.

[Carnation]

The foot massage did change my sleep pattern.
I woke up at 3am and not 4am.
Seriously, I had a more relaxed sleep, so much, I overslept!
My swaying sensation was very prominent this morning. So much that even washing my face caused me to topple backwards. It sort of wared off as the day went on. It's so easy to blame everything on anxiety, but I am tending to think my sinuses are causing this issue, which in turn sets off the anxiety.
I've taken the plunge and invited a couple of neighbours for tea and cake at the weekend.
Whether this is a good idea or not, I've done it. I could easily put off something like this for years! No exaggeration. But if I don't step out of the safe box sometimes, my fear will haunt me from every angle.
And, how hard will it be to make tea and eat cake?
One of my neighbours already knows of my issues, so if I go a bit loopy, I won't surprise her.
The same reason I push myself to go out.
It nearly happened today, when I thought, "I feel too unsteady on my feet and I could collapse!" But I stopped in my tracks and thought, "No, I'm not going to be beat by this or be a Prisoner of my fear".
Really pleased I did and I will try my utmost to keep trying and not doubt my capabilities.
Besides, I had to go out to get more cake!