Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[Carnation]

I am dedicating today's blog to my dear departed mum, who sadly passed away a year today and unfortunately has fallen on Mother's Day.

So, please ignore today's post if you think it will upset you.

It has been a difficult time trying to ignore all the media advertising from florists, card shops and restaurants everywhere I look.
I had to keep the radio and TV off today and wasn't quite sure what to do with myself.
I wanted to do something for my mum, but I didn't know what to do, so I thought I would put words on my thread to remember her by.

I never liked 'Mother's Day' anyway, because of 'media' telling you when you should treat your mum and buy her flowers, which should be done as and when you feel like it. However, my mum would give me what for, if I forgot her flowers and didn't remember. 'Thanks darling', she would say. And then she would say, 'You shouldn't waste your money on me'.

Spring flowers were her favourites. Daffodils, tulips, narcissus, iris and freesias. But she loved her anemones, which were always hard to find.
I buy them for me now and place them by my mum's photo.

Don't get me wrong, time is helping with moving on, but I have just gone through the 'firsts'. The first Christmas, the first birthday, Anniversary and now Mother's Day.

She was my Mum, my best friend, my companion and my Life!
She would give me her honest opinion, advice, wisdom, courage, a home and help in times of dire straits. Who else would do that?

We really don't realise until they have gone, how important they are in our life and when she became ill, I cared for her and letting her go was the most difficult thing I have had to do in my life.

I can't believe I miss her nagging, her disapproval, her sharp tongue and her taste in music. Lets face it, who like Frankie Vaughan and Johnny Mathis?
But she also liked the stuff I like and I can now listen to it, without bursting in to tears all the time.

I used to jib her about her cooking, but she was a good cook and made a fabulous chicken and leek pie and a trifle to die for.

Always smart herself and always commenting on how scruffy I look.
"I'm being urban mum", I would say. That's the fashion.
"Well, you look like a bag of shit", my mum would say.

I always managed to make my mum laugh. I would say silly things and do a funny dance for her or make my hair stick out and then ask her, "What do you think of my new hair do". "Silly cow", she would say. "How old are you", she would ask as if I should be acting like a grown woman and not a kid.

We had a Love/Hate relationship. But, deep down, we had a strong bond.
I used to think to myself, "Blimey, my mum's getting old", but she always looked young to me. Nothing! Prepares you for when they leave you and how you feel after they have gone.

The day is nearly over, but my memories of my mum will live on.

So, until next time...............

[pulisa]

I'm so sorry that the first anniversary has fallen on Mother's Day-that's doubly hard for you. Glad you could express all your thoughts and memories on here though. Hope the day is soon over for you xx

[Carnation]

That's very kind and brave to read my sadness Pulisa. x

[Carnation]

Back to a normal day today.
What I mean is no added stress or sadness, but a normal day for someone with Anxiety.

I am now in to my 4th week of Mindfulness and this is 'Emotions' week.
The idea is to find out how problems/trauma/sadness from the past/present and future can manifest in our bodies causing pain or discomfort. Well that's the way I have read it. I know I am a pain in the a*se most of the time, but seriously this is going to be a interesting one. I haven't started yet, so will report back with my results as soon as.

The 'Exercise' week was particularly hard and if I am being honest, I didn't follow it religiously. But on the whole, the Mindfulness course has been quite successful.

I managed to go out for a full day. Walking was good, focus was good and I managed to keep still long enough to have lunch out, which is a major hurdle for me.
All those things that can set anxiety off. Too many people, crowded, noisy, eating in public, waiting for your order, sitting still, being stared out; a real challenge.
But I did it and was chuffed with myself.
I didn't use the 'tapping', I just stayed focussed in in the moment. Each time my mind wandered, I brought myself back in to the present. It's not that easy, but with practice, it gets easier. This is all part Mindfulness.

I get very tired with the fighting and the challenges, but I'd rather take a rest to re-charge than be bullied by anxiety and it's symptoms.

I found a tip that helps when you feel your eyes going out of focus.
This only helps if you are indoors and preferably sitting down.
If you close your eyes for a few seconds, then open them. Don't worry if they are out of focus after doing that, because that is a normal reaction, but if you do this few times, each time you do this, your focus improves.
Please do not do this if you are walking; only if you are at home. I wouldn't want anyone walking in to lamppost or falling down a kerb.

I have also found that the 'Senses' approach really helps a lot.
Apparently if the brain is smelling, tasting, hearing, touching and looking, it can divert it from panic. So if you feel panicky, look for a focus, touch something, smell something, focus on listening to a sound and have a snack. Try any, a few or all.
I used this when having lunch out today.
I listened to the music in the background, focussed on the waitresses, touched and played with all the items on the table, smelt the food being prepared and tasted the food when it arrived. I know that may sound all normal reactions, but I made a note of really taking in every sense of being in that present moment.

So that you don't panic finding any of these things to do, here are few pointers to set you up if that occasion should arise.
Spray a scent on your hand in the morning or carry a swig of lavender in your bag.
Carry a few sweets or nuts, fruit in your bag when you go out.
Wear a piece of jewellery that you can touch and the other two senses; seeing and hearing, is all around you.

Another de-stressor is wringing your hands.
Can you remember those interview days when you didn't know what to do with your hands, so you would be wringing them, without even knowing. This is a good one to use if you are waiting in a queue, stuck in traffic, waiting to served and so on.
If you use hand cream, that is a good way to apply this technique.

Anyway, hope some of this helps.

Until next time............

[Carnation]

Not so great today. :(

Well, there's no point in covering it up and telling you how wonderful everything is all of the time.

The good news is that anxiety was not the culprit, but has fuelled the anxiety.

I was sick in the night, which obviously took me by surprise and now my brain is trying to work out why???

I probably haven't told you that I suffer with my sinuses and have bouts of about 30 sneezes in one go, eyes get watery and I get that horrible sticky substance in my throat. Pain around the eyes, jaw, cheek and teeth. Blocked nostrils and a dull pain over my eyes. It comes and goes and is a real nuisance!

The other thing I suffer with is acid reflux.
I am getting to know the things I can and can't eat; the hard way!!
I get pains in my stomach, burning sensations and when at it's worse, the acid comes up to burn my throat.

Now my sickness is due to one of these, possibly both, but I am more likely to believe that it was acid reflux as I ate something that definitely aggravated it and upset me.
Pork Crackling.
I also can not eat tomatoes, fried foods, pies, processed food, too much chocolate, fruit, fizzy drinks, cucumber, alcohol and fatty foods.

I was ill and paid the price, but it has set off my anxiety so bad, that I had to cut short my trip outside today as I just could not cope and thought I was going to collapse any minute. Especially when I bumped in to someone I knew who asked me If I was ok and asked if I had a cold, which I haven't, but her comment through me in to a panic.
I was also hot flushing and just couldn't cool down, eyes watery and blurry and walking was so bad that I decided to give in and go home.

I must have looked in the mirror about 30 times today to see if I look normal, drank water like I was in the Sahara and only ate things that I know will do me no harm.
I am conscious about being sick again petrified with the thought of going to bed and the same thing happening. I actually slept sitting up last night for fear of that and I may do the same tonight.
It's bad enough being sick, then figuring out why, but when you are in a deep sleep, it wakes you with an incredible fright.

So, sorry I am not so good today, but a blog has to be warts n' all and today is most definitely a wart.

So, hoping for a positive tomorrow.

[Senior Moment]

Hello Carnation. Sorry to hear you were not well yesterday. I know the feeling of being physically unwell and setting the anxiety off on a trip !!! Does it for me every time, its my worse "trigger". Its part of the recovery process tho, so they say, good days and bad days. I do hope today is a better day for you. Take care SM x

[Carnation]

Thank you SM x How right you are.
Thankfully today was a much better day.

Strange how two days can be completely different.
The fear after a bad day, is the fear of another bad day.
The fear is in the thinking before it actually happens.

I'm not one to give in or be beaten, so after licking my wounds, so-to-speak, I looked at today as a fresh new day; even though deep down I was dubious on how it was going to pan out.

Luckily for me, once I got past the, 'I am petrified of what is going to happen' thought, I was ok and achieved quite a lot today.

I've done all the food shopping, visited a neighbour, walked a mile and done some gardening. Absolutely all fine and in control. In fact, someone commented on how nice I looked today and I hadn't even made any effort. Must be my confidence.
The one thing I did cancel, was my dentist appointment. I just couldn't face a dental clean. That awful noise of the apparatus they use and lying there all vulnerable and exposed!

Now. Back to fighting this dragon.

Apart from the obvious of fighting the Fear, we also need to be kind to ourselves.
Kind to our stomach, kind to our mind and kind to our bodies.
Starting with my stomach as it is so closely linked to our brain.
My way of thinking.......
If my stomach is settled, then surely it will help my brain to settle and perform better.
So as from yesterday, I am concentrating on chicken, turkey, pork, fish and green veg and eggs and yoghurts. Cutting out fatty meat, cakes, puddings and biscuits.
I want to see if this will make a difference in settling my stomach and calming the brain. As I have gained quite a bit of weight over the winter, I am hoping that I can sort out two things at once here. I'm not saying no cake ever again, just for a while to see if there is any difference with my symptoms and anxiety.
I'm going to give this a few weeks and I will report back on any changes.

I have noticed when I am nervous, especially when out, I talk excessively to complete strangers about utter rubbish to distract myself from my anxiety.
I don't mind this as much as other people who may think I over friendly or strange, but it does help me. Firstly, for distraction and secondly, overcoming socialising.

One of things that cause anxiety is the feeling of being alone or lonely.
Everyone needs contact with the outside world, even if it on this Forum.
Just a chat to a passer by, a neighbour, the postman, the checkout cashier, it is really important to keep some communication. However, too many people, say for instance a crowded place, can tip us over the edge and find it too unbearable to manage.
So, if you are out and someone smiles, make a comment about the weather and or something and it will make you feel more uplifted and take your mind away from the anxiety you may have been feeling.

So until next time.........

[Carnation]

Anxiety put to the test today.

A power cut, which left me with no heating, no lighting, no TV, no cooker and no kettle to make a cup of tea.
So, I went out. Hoping it would be fixed when I came home.

Unexpectedly, it did not effect my walking or cause any blurry eyesight, but I could not stop thinking about the panic I would be in if I went home and there would be no electricity. My brain was going in to overdrive about how I would keep warm, what I would eat with no cooker, where I could get a cup of tea, did I have any candles, did I have enough candles? The thought of putting the battery operated Christmas lights back up, also entered my head.
Thankfully it was back on, but the excessive thinking and worrying has worn me out.

Looking on the Brightside. I didn't have a panic attack and I didn't sit around waiting in despair. I kept busy and distracted myself as much as I could.

The point I wanted to make is that if something is out of your control, you have to sometimes just let time and whoever is in control take care of things and at the same time, hope for the best.

Now, I have been reading quite a bit about anxiety and the pain that it can cause in the body. I have also been trying to ignore any discomfort pain, aches and discomfort that I feel. Apparently, this is the wrong thing to do. By ignoring it, it won't go away and just feeds back to the anxiety. What we have to do is notice it, acknowledge it and tell our brains that we know we have a headache, stomach ache and so on.
It's the same for grief. You can shelve it, hold it back, ignore it, but it won't go away until you grieve. It will manifest until you let it go. Holding things in is bad for you.
And again with guilt or regret. Guilt feelings may crop up from time to time. You know the sort of thing. "I should have done this", "I wasn't there", "It was my fault", you get the drift. These feelings have to be dealt with. It needs to be wrapped up and shelved.
For instance. One thing that crops up with me is that I should have been with my mum when she passed. I wasn't, because I was ill at the time, but even if I was well, it could still have happened that way. I can't blame myself for this anymore.
The same situation happened with my dad. He was told to go home, because his mother was stable and as soon as he left, she went.
We tend to blame ourselves for stuff that is out of our control or the odds are just against us. What we should do is be proud that we care, because these thoughts mean we have a conscious mind and that is a positive, as long as we do not dwell on it.

So every time I feel a pain, ache or discomfort, I consciously make a point of what I was thinking about when I got that feeling and then I try to reassure myself that I was beyond my control or not my fault and there is nothing to be fearful about.

Sorry, if I sound heavy today, but this is part of my mindfulness course and I think it is very apt to overcoming our negative thoughts and our wellbeing.

Until next time..............

[Senior Moment]

Hi Carnation. Enjoyed reading your post today, as always, and could empathise with it as well. I cared for my mother for 12 years before she passed away, and devoted almost every waking hour to her needs, but I still managed to find reasons why I hadn't done enough !! Crazy thinking I know because in my "sane mind" I knew that there was nothing more I could have done. The mind is so complex and sometimes finds reasons to "beat us up" one way or another. Onward and upward, as the saying goes. Take care SM x

[Carnation]

Senior Moment, you will know too well how difficult it is to care for someone and have to make sensitive decisions and be there for that person 24/7.
It certainly takes it's toll on you and if I guess right, you probably did not have much time or inclination to look after yourself.
The other effect this has on you, is you have a true insight in to everything behind the scenes. I felt I'd climbed a mountain and back and still thought afterwards that it maybe wasn't enough.
We know this is not true deep down and I was told by several people that this is part of the grieving process, which can go on for years!

I once asked my dad how I was going to cope being left on my own.
"Because you are strong", he said.
But I am not. I may appear to be strong, but inside I am weak and pathetic with my stomach churning over all the time."
I cry at the news, a sad story in a magazine, news of someone passing. I just can't get away from it. Even a film will have me sobbing through the sad bits.
When I watched 'Warhorse', I went through a whole box of tissues.

The thing is. When you care for someone, you become empathetic and feel every pain and woe from somebody. I was told by my therapist that I have great empathy, which is a good thing and a bad thing. She told me the bad side, but I am yet to know the good side of it.

If we were of a different character and lived in our own bubble and didn't give two figs about anything, we would probably feel completely different.

When you finish caring for someone, it leaves more than an empty gap in your life.
The worry turns to yourself and what will become of you. How will you cope?
This is bad for us and very difficult to think this way.
Somehow, we need to find stability and worth in our lives and think positively about our future. It takes time, but if we feel more positive and have positivity in our lives, it can change the way we feel for the better.

What I do know of is 'Miracles'.
My mum was originally told that she would not live at the age of 36 and lived to be 84!
And take the late 'Stephen Hawking' Another 50 years on top of his given life.
Sometimes you have to just carry on and live!

I am trying to work on this myself. To re-build my life, to not look back and live in the present.

Talking of that. I woke up with what I call my 'worry head' this morning.
All my problems, health issues, and past and future haunts were buzzing around like a mad bee trying to make me anxious.
So, I started talking to myself.
"Yes, I know I have a worry, but there's nothing I can do about it now and it is not so bad as I am making it out to be".
"I am in control of my thoughts and whatever happened in the past is not my fault or a worry to me now".
"I know I am worrying about the future, but I am in the present and that is where I want to stay".
I think it sort of worked.

I don't always remember my dreams, but I would hate to think I was like this all the time I was sleeping. Do you ever get those mornings when you feel like you have had no sleep? This is why it is important to go to sleep on a good note. A nice story before bedtime, a gentle film or a comedy.
My worries give me hot flushes and then it turns in to anxiety.

Talking of anxiety. I wish the media would not keep going on about more terrible 'Beasts' coming our way. As if anxiety is not enough, we have to be scared even more about the weather and what it is going to do and how it could affect us with power cuts and so on. They need to be more careful. Vulnerable people listen to this jargon.
Ok, tell us it is going to snow and be windy, but don't put the s**ts up everyone.

I have a massive phobia of 'Thunder and Lightning' and started a thread on it a couple of years ago. I get absolutely petrified and ended up sitting on the floor in tears.
Now it seems to be turning in to snow and wind!!!
I have enough personal wind of my own without anymore.
A neighbour said this morning the exact same thing and they are wrong to blow it all up.
It's news and they will be making the same threats about the hot sun in the summer.
There, I have convinced myself to be calm and just busy myself with interesting things. Warm blanket, hot cup of tea, good book, good film and snooze through until spring. (That's hopefully Monday).

So, unless my internet is cut off, I will continue tomorrow ...........