Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[Carnation]

Last night I was halfway through writing a post and we had a power cut. Lost all my writing and was fumbling about looking for candles with the torch on my phone very aware that it was Halloween and the remembering the house was surrounded by woodland.
But do you know, I was quite calm and level headed. I remembered I had some battery operated Christmas lights and knew exactly where they were, hung them up over the doorways and by the time I had finished the electric had come back on.
It always surprises how well I cope in a crisis or a difficult situation when I find some of the basic things in life's so taxing.
I've been a bit uptight the last few days. Whether it's the winter approaching or the dreaded Christmas time, I don't know, but I am on edge.
When I go out, I seem to be surrounded by people coughing and sneezing, so there's another reason I am on edge. Why do people go out when they are ill?
Take yesterday, was in a shop and behind me was a woman coughing the whole time she was in there. And, I was conscious of her following my route. I was so close to telling her to go home and take care of whatever was wrong with and remind her that the rest of us in the shop didn't want it either, but I didn't.
Then on the way home with my partner driving, I saw a woman with long black hair and a cloak thumbing for a lift and as we passed her she turned her head and kid you not, she had one of those faces you see in a horror movie, you know one's where they rise from the dead.
Thank God I was not driving, I would definitely have had a panic attack. Being Halloween as well.
So next year I'm staying in.
Maybe that's why I am edge.

[Carnation]

Me and cars just don't get on!
Nearly got run over today by a grey haired man putting his foot down to drive into a car park via the pavement.
And he had the audacity to glare at me.
I was just a little in front of my partner and there was a couple behind us and we all witnessed a revving sound as he approached us. I jumped backwards seeing my life flash before my eyes. It's just as well I suffer with anxiety and have to stay calm, for if it was 5 years ago, I probably would have scruffed his neck with anger.
These days I am just thankful to be alive.
Partner has gout again!!! So I am worrying about him. I actually worry more about him than me these days.
And what a day I had today, everyone I bumped into had a tale of sickness or woe. From people being rushed into hospital, funny turns and generally being unwell.
I must be getting stronger, because normally news of this kind would set my anxiety off, but I took it in my stride.

[Carnation]

Over the last few days I thought I was coming down with something, so upped my honey intake, took things a bit easier and got plenty of sleep. Nothing has arisen yet, so keeping my fingers crossed.
I'm very aware that Christmas is approaching and the shops and media are there to remind me of that.
It's not my favourite time of year at the best of times, but now my dear mum has gone, I don't want all the Christmas trimmings at all.
I like the lights, because it brightens up the dull streets, and I'm partial to a bit of Christmas cake and such like, but the rest of it you can keep. All those cards scribbled with To/ and From/ as part of a ritual from people you never see. I know I would much rather have a visit or telephone call than be part of a list. Pubs charging 4 times the normal rate for one of the cheapest meats you can buy and the constant carols that are played from November through to January. The need to dress yourself up like a Christmas tree with a red and white bobble hat with tinsel as a scarf and baubles for earrings and the pressure to buy presents of value instead of the token of thought and appreciation. Bah humbug.
Besides the real meaning of Christmas seems to have gone by the wayside.
So, apart from some twinkling lights and a bit of cake, My preferred time will be a winter walk by the sea, saying hello to the neighbourhood to return home to a log fire where I will be having a hot cup of tea and a piece of cake.
I use the wintertime to catch up on reading, repairs and hobbies that I say I never have time for.
I have a stack of dvds I have purchased from charity shops, a scarf I have been knitting for my o/h for the last 3 years and a pile of books to hopefully give me inspiration and ideas.
The wildlife seems more abundant with pheasants dependant on the feeding hand as well as the Robins and various other birds that are a joy to watch through the window. This time of the year is good to catch up on meditation and if needed, sleep.
It may be a time of short days and dark nights, but you can make your indoors more productive and meaningful.

[Carnation]

Have you ever wondered why some people seem horrible? Maybe rude, sarcastic or even angry?
You may have been on the receiving end of being blatantly ignored, a snide remark or 'the look'.
I have experienced all those and more and still do.
It used to bother me and I took it personally.
I would think these people hated me to the point of despising myself.
Don't!
There is a reason for this behaviour and it is not your fault. They are either jealous, trapped in their own lives of misery that may seem beyond their control, they could be lonely and at times short fused about what they think are minor complaints in your life which they compare to theirs as insignificant.
And when they say, "I have stuff to complain about, but I don't!" well, they just have.
They say and do things for a reaction because they want to feed from you and make you feel miserable for being happy. They want to bring you down.
So, next time this happens, smile and carry on with your life, making a note that they are destroying themselves by being this way, but they ain't taking you with them!

[Carnation]

I often feel alone. I could be in a crowded room, a busy street or just with my partner and I feel very detached from all of it. Even when I pluck up the courage to say something, I feel that person is not really interested.
I know my self esteem is low, it has been as long as I can remember since the quiet and shy girl at school or as they put it, "doesn't mix well with others" or "dreamy and doesn't seem to concentrate". Well, I am still like that today. I find it hard to join 'the party' and I find it hard to trust and I feel self conscious thinking people are taking the mickey out of me. But I get by, save those feelings to myself and torture myself further.
I often think of expressing the way I feel to others, but my brain then tells me, "they don't care" or take even more piss out of you. I even had therapy for this, but let's face it, if you pay someone, they are likely to make you feel better about yourself. I know I can be my own worst enemy when it comes to this sort of thing and maybe I overreact or over think situations, but then again the way I feel is me and haven't been able to change it through my life. But, I can express these thoughts and feelings through writing, painting and music and my garden. And, if I didn't feel this way, I probably would not be able to do that.
My old saying, "Something good comes out of something bad".
The other thing is that I have met people who feel just the same. You feel alone, but you are not and if you don't fit in to crowd, we'll so be it, it's not for you.
Don't push yourself in to something that doesn't suit.
Avoid the people that make you feel uncomfortable.
Do the things you enjoy and not the things you think you are supposed to do.
Wear what you feel comfortable in, not what fashion dictates or what others wear.
You are as important as anyone else and probably more in tune with the real world and earth's natures.

---------- Post added at 11:18 ---------- Previous post was at 11:16 ----------

And remember, some of the great achievers in this world did it alone!

[Carnation]

Oh my, doesn't the dark creep in quickly now.
I'm normally out to see the transmission from light to dark and it plays havoc with my sight.
Because of the sensitivity of my eyes due to anxiety, my eyes find it hard to deal with that change. It sort of makes me feel a bit spooked and edgy, if that makes any sense.
I've also had a few ailments the last week.
My stomach has been upset. No, I didn't upset it. Well, maybe I did with the wrong food, because it was certainly trying to tell me something.
Gurgling like crazy, belching, bloating, discomfort and lots of wind. Thankfully it is much better now, but I need to remember not to eat anything fatty as my stomach clearly doesn't like it and is not too favourable to packets of jelly babies either.
Got a bad sting on my finger, yes, sting this time of year. Far too mild for the time of year and brought the little buggers back to life. Most of my plants are still in flower, in fact they look better now than they did in July.
The pigeons have already munched the first spread of berries on the shrubs, so greedy.
And the last ailment is a tongue ulcer right on the top of my tongue which arrived after stupidly biting it thinking it was potato. It's so sore, I spent last night licking yogurt off a spoon to try and keep it from burning. Wow, our tongues are sooooo sensitive.
But, I'll take all those minor ailments against anxiety, trouble is, anxiety jumps on the bandwagon at any opportunity it can get. It sure is cunning, waiting in the wings like a stalker or the devil.
Still, I am thankful to be in reasonably good health and I don't take that for granted and every day I can get out, walk, communicate and look after myself, I take that as one big positive in life.

[Carnation]

Had a panic attack today and dealt with it badly. :(
It was in a hospital and I was visiting my Partner's mum who was admitted yesterday with sepsis and dehydration. She is 92 and resides in a care home and as per usual, she had not been given enough fluids as and as a result got severely dehydrated and a UTI. She was so bad that the ambulance crew had to hook up to a drip in the ambulance for half an hour before taking her to the hospital.
Anyway, today we went to see her and I knew it was going to be a difficult one for me, not just because I have a fear of hospitals, white coats and diseases, but my long ordeal with hospitals with my late mum is still pretty raw.
So already nervous and not looking forward to the journey, I told myself, in my head, that I needed to break my fears and face them and I still stand by those thoughts.
BUT, I handled it all wrong!
It didn't help that I had bad night's sleep the night before with IBS and GERD and was up in the middle of the night. I also had a tension headache and for the last few days been obsessing over the colour of my pee.
So health anxiety was up, was nervous and going down memory lane with my mum.
The journey was about 40 minutes, arrived in the car park and by that time I was quite peaked with anxiety.
That was OK, because I am like that most days. 'I just kept telling myself, "stay focused, stay focused".
By the time I got to the ward, I was pretty much proud of myself and found it reasonably easy. I even managed to sit still and focused while chatting to Mr C' s mum, who was obviously pleased to see us.
After about half an hour, I thought, "Wow, I've done it!" I was even chatting to the staff popping in and out.
Until.....
I caught sight of one of the nurses staring at me and I suddenly became very paranoid and got it in to my head that she thought I looked ill and started to feel panicky.
Stupid brain!!! I felt OK but started to fidget and anxiety was telling me to get out quick before something bad happens.
This is where I went wrong. I should have stayed and let those feelings pass, dismissing them and carry on with my great achievement of being there, but I listened to my anxiety and just had to leave. Tugged my Partner's jacket as a signal to leave, almost stumbled over a man on a trolley, could hardly see where I was going, could hardly feel the floor beneath me and blurry eyed and floating like an outer body experience I kept my pace until I reached the exit doors. Once outside, I felt like I was breathing air for the first time. Still a bit shaky, I made my way to the far and the whole journey home was spent with a tearful eye and a calming down.
If I had stood my ground, I know I would have been OK, but I panicked because I thought I was going to faint or worse. My partner didn't even notice the extent of my panic, it's all internal and my way of thinking and definitely not pleasant.
My over thinking and paranoia cost me a breakthrough. :(
On the plus side, I made it there and broke through a barrier that I wouldn't have been able to do months ago.
So, I'll take today as an exercise in practice and not beat myself up over it.

[Carnation]

So, I have another trip to the hospital tomorrow. Because of the panic I am dreading it and my stomach is already turning over with fear thinking about it. I am trying to decide whether to wait in the car or ho head on and face the fear. Either way, I am dreading it.
I'm also trying to think of things that might help me brace the day. I could do some meditation before hand, try the 'tapping' method, smother myself in lavender. It is hard not to think about it and just relax, but I don't want this situation to become an imprisonment.
If only my stomach would settle, as it is that feeling that normally sets me off.
Maybe someone should come up with the idea of changing the look of hospitals so they are less frightening.

[BikerMatt]

So, I have another trip to the hospital tomorrow. Because of the panic I am dreading it and my stomach is already turning over with fear thinking about it. I am trying to decide whether to wait in the car or ho head on and face the fear. Either way, I am dreading it.
I'm also trying to think of things that might help me brace the day. I could do some meditation before hand, try the 'tapping' method, smother myself in lavender. It is hard not to think about it and just relax, but I don't want this situation to become an imprisonment.
If only my stomach would settle, as it is that feeling that normally sets me off.
Maybe someone should come up with the idea of changing the look of hospitals so they are less frightening.

Carnation, I take it Mr C is going? You've had a really stressful time of it, so why not have a break? I'm sure you really don't need to be there? Even if you just pop in for 5 to 10 mins, leave Mr C to it and go and wait in the car. That's what i would do.

Remember you can get up and leave whenever you wan't.

[Carnation]

Thanks Matt, yes he is. I was leaning more to the car idea, but I didn't want to give in to the fear. Like you said, I could go in for ten minutes, but then I will worry about having a panic attack walking out on my own and the possibility of a doc grabbing me and sticking me in a bed for investigation. See how my mind goes into overdrive. Crazy thoughts. I might on this occasion wait in the car.