Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Very wise advice and suggestions, Carnation. And, as you know, sometimes it works - sometimes it doesn't. All we can do is keep on trying, right?

I'm also finding, or at least I think it's true, that anticipatory anxiety can start WELL in advance of the event, and can actually disguise itself and stay out of the limelight, but be working it's poison behind the scenes. My daughter and her husband moved across country for his job 7 years ago, and I only visited once because of my anxiety. but, two years ago she gave me my first grandchild, and that changed the whole picture. I started sucking it up and going out there every 3-4 months. I want the child to know it's grandmother! 5 months ago she had her second child, so obviously I've become a frequent flyer.

I hate every part of it. I hate the commute to the airport, I hate the LONG flight, I hate the Ubering and I'm not thrilled with staying at my daughter's house.... it's not my comfort zone, and as has been mentioned earlier, sometimes we're not even comfortable around our own children, let alone their spouse. And then, when that exhausting visit is over, I've got the LONG flight back again. So basically, yes, I love seeing them but it really takes a toll, physically and mentally.

Sorry, I got side-tracked. I started noticing that every time the trip started approaching (2-3 weeks before I was to go) I would start feeling physically ill. And I would notice some anxiety symptoms creeping up, but I really never connected them to the trip because it was still weeks away. I'm now thinking that it IS the trip, and that anticipatory anxiety starts below the surface well in advance. How cruel is that? It would seem more fair if we could just be apprehensive for say, one week before. But I guess anxiety doesn't follow any guidelines or rules. So not only is the trip exhausting, so are the weeks leading up to it. And we won't even talk about how tired I am when I finally get back!

Lastly on this topic, I have been torn between continuing to suck it up and go out there, or starting to "be kind to myself" and not go as often. My GP is of the theory that if it's making me uncomfortable, I should just say "no" and not go. On the other hand, I feel like we shouldn't avoid things just because they challenge us. And here's the part that complicates it: my daughter's husband travels a lot for work, so a few times a year she is all alone with two dogs and two young children. She always asks that I come keep her company during those times and help her, and that's when I want to be there for her. I would have such a hard time saying "no" when my child needs me, but as my doctor says, she is the one that chose to move, she is an adult, and she will find other ways to get along without you there.

So, your thoughts on this? Oh, by the way, I am going out there March 13th but only staying for 4 days - it's the 2 year old's birthday party and my daughter really wants me there since I missed last year. This one will be a little less stressful because it's a shorter visit, but a little MORE stressful because her hubby will be there,and I really enjoy our visits when it's just us girls.
Sue

[Carnation]

Sue, is there any reason why your daughter can not come to you? It would at least minimise your trips.
I think you are very brave to do those journeys and it does prove that anxiety didn't bring any harm to you as you have done so many trips.
How right you are about anticipatory anxiety. I suffer with this and this can affect so much in our lives.
I attended my Partner's mum's funeral about 5 weeks ago and was absolutely dreading it. On the day, I was perfectly calm. I also knew in my gut prior to her passing that she wasn't going to make it and I was more distraught on the run up to that moment than the day she did.
It's like my body and mind is actually preparing me for these events before it actually happens in a cruel sort of way.
Now safe zones are another thing.
A lot of people regard their safe zone as their home.
Although I have to say my kitchen and bathroom are the two rooms that give me the jitters.
I actually find relief from anxiety by being outside.
I like the air, the feeling of freedom and I can pace or just look at the earth's surroundings.
I don't like confined spaces like lifts and tiny rooms and I don't like great open spaces like supermarkets, airports, shopping malls, hospitals and so on.
So it doesn't leave me much.
I managed to conquer travelling in a car and on motorways, which I thought would never be possible for me after I suffer PTSD after a car crash. But actually me driving more than a mile is problematic for me, but not impossible.
Everything is possible including change.
But we fear the symptoms of anxiety more than fear itself.
We are all brave and challenge and push ourselves, but once we feel one of those symptoms, that's it, anxiety takes over. The fear of something bad could happen, the fear of death. Eliminate that and no anxiety.

[DustingMyselfOff]

Hi there.
My daughter does come to the west coast once a year to visit family (both hers and her husband's still live on the east coast) but it's really hard for the four of them to travel..... two young kids, all the things they have to pack (strollers, cribs, car seats, clothes, baby stuff, etc.) and it's rough on the kids being out of routine and element. She swore after the next trip she'd never do it again till they're older, but we'll see.

But yes, since she's throwing a big party for the 2 year old with all her west coast friends, that's where I need to go. And when she is home alone during her husband's travels? She would be on a plane all day with two babies by herself, and the boarding of her dogs is very expensive. Not to mention, she works from home, so if I go there, she can work and I can get my grandma time. Much more practical for me to travel there than 3 or 4 of them to travel here.

My anxiety is bad right now, and I'm trying to figure out if it's because my TSH (thyroid levels) are shifting or if it's because I realized that my trip is only about a week away. Why do we try to figure out where the anxiety comes from? Maybe I should try to give that up....it causes me to think about it even more, but I always figure if I can find the REASON then I can fix it, ya know?

Right now I'm sitting here trying to think of a good, believable, justifiable excuse for cancelling my flights (even though I would lose the cost of the tickets) but I'm going to wait to see how I feel tomorrow before I go any further with that. Maybe some would suggest that I just tell her honestly that the trip takes too much out of me, but as we all know, we want to appear NORMAL to people, especially our kids. She does know I have anxiety issues because the last time there I had to call my doctor and ask her to call in more tranquilizers to a pharmacy out there because I was struggling badly. My daughter is supportive, and encourages me to take the meds that help me, but still.....

To go or not to go.
Sue

[Carnation]

If the tickets are already paid fir, you can literally change your mind at the last minute Sue.

It's been noticed that anxiety lies in the core of the stomach, so eating the right foods can help.
But ultimately, it's our brain.

[DustingMyselfOff]

If the tickets are already paid fir, you can literally change your mind at the last minute Sue.

It's been noticed that anxiety lies in the core of the stomach, so eating the right foods can help.
But ultimately, it's our brain.

I have colitis and have had GI issues from a very young age, so it's true about the gut - brain connection.... I've had stomach issues as long as I've had anxiety.

I just contacted the airline to see if I would have to forfeit the entire cost of the tickets.. I would only lose $125 and they would let me use the rest as a credit towards my next flight. Unfortunately, I already bought and paid for that one, too, and for the trip after that, the credit would be expired. But hey, this isn't about money - I have to decide to do what's best for ME.
Sue

[Carnation]

Today I had to get my phone changed again!
Not my favourite place, didn't want to go, but hey ho, if you don't tackle these things, there's no moving forward.
Still a bit Shaky once there, but definitely an improvement on the last time. It helped when I grabbed one of those stools that the staff normally lounge about on. Once seated I felt a lot better.
Anyway, job done.
Struggled with the department store that Mr C wanted to go in, so I waited outside licking my wounds.
By the time I got home I head straight for the sofa as if I'd done a marathon run. In fact when I did a marathon run many moons ago I didn't feel half as bad as I did today.
Only short spurts of lightheadedness today, but adrenalin felt high as did my anxiousness.
Days like that have to be limited, so tomorrow a more relaxing day is on the cards.

[Carnation]

Sue, your daughter is not going to hate you if you miss one trip, especially as you have others lined up.
I also sense her hubby being around puts more pressure on you. I'm sure your daughter would forgive you if you didn't go this once. The money for the tickets is money gone either way. Do what YOU want to do. To be successful with fighting anxiety, you have to want to do the task in hand. Like I said, it can be a last minute decision. But, if you decide not to go, don't have regrets about it.

Yes anxiety and stomach issues, Acid reflux, ulcers, trapped wind, upset tummy, ibs, bloating, gurgling, constipation, the opposite to that, nausea, pains, the list is endless

[DustingMyselfOff]

Wow, good job on going to get your phone changed again, but sorry you had to do that! And also kudos for staying in the car recovering while hubby went into the store..... I think we all need to start setting our limits and deciding for OURSELVES what we're up to and what we're not on any particular day. And you're right, going through something like that is physically exhausting!

I texted my daughter a while ago and told her there was a possibility I wouldn't be able to make it, I told her it was a work-related issue since legally, I am still on their payroll... my official separation date isn't until May 2nd. She said "but it's his birthday!" and I said at 2 years of age, I don't think he really notices who's at his party and who isn't. I then told her that I needed her to tell me it would be ok for me to skip this trip and that I would still be there this summer when she's home alone. Then there was a very long silence on her end, hopefully she was just tending to the kids. Just now she texted that she would be very disappointed.... she had told her MIL that she could NOT be there for this party because she attended last year and this year was my turn. She said she didn't know what to say, but if I have to work, I have to work. I don't want to alienate the relationship I have with her, (there was a 2 year period when she wouldn't speak to me) but on the other hand if she's not going to be supportive of my decisions, that's a message in itself.

I'm going to go run a few errands and see where my head and heart are in an hour. But I really don't want to go - on top of the anxiety and the dread, I really have had a bad feeling about going. Maybe because I haven't even been off work yet for a week and I've spent every day sanding and painting ceilings and walls..... I was looking forward to finishing the room and spending next week moving some furniture into it, getting it set up, etc.

Friggin' kids..... they really complicate our psyches.
Sue

[Carnation]

Of course she's disappointed, but disappointment is a sign of someone who loves you and was looking forward to seeing you. But it doesn't mean you have to put yourself in emotional danger. Deep down you already decided you didn't want to go and that's not a good basis to try and go with anxiety on your back.
I am presuming that your excuse for pulling out doesn't sit well with your daughter. But what would?
I was in a situation ten years ago and it was Christmas.
Every Christmas Day I would spend with my mum and dad.
This particular year my other half was very ill with kidney stones and developed an infection. And the morning we were scheduled to go, but my partner was bleeding very badly so I phoned my mum and said that we would not be able to come. She didn't believe me, thought I was making up an excuse and slammed the phone down on me. I was so upset that day because not only was my partner very ill, I thought my mum was never going to speak to me again.
But she did and on our next visit she could see how ill my partner was.
I think deep down with close relationships there is a worry of losing that and also an expectancy of certain duties.
Sue, if you don't go, don't feel bad or worry that your daughter will feel any different about you, she's upset because she wants you there and that is a good thing.
But I personally would sit down with her on your next trip and put your cards on the table, because this situation could happen again.
And as time goes on the children will grow and it will be much easier for them to travel to you.
Can I suggest you Skype on the day and maybe send your daughter a bunch of flowers saying, "to a brilliant mum and wonderful daughter". It may relieve your guilt and make her feel sorry if she is feeling any bitterness. As well as showing your affections of course.
You need to smooth things over for your next trip otherwise you will be worrying about that as well.
I think you have already decided not to go.... checking flight refunds, thinking of excuses, involved in a home project, not alone with your daughter and so on.
As for it being 'your turn'. Well life doesn't work like that.
Again, I had a situation when I was helping my partner with caring for my his mum who was left disabled from a stroke. My other half's brother had adopted a situation where he took her for Christmas Day every other year. Why this was his decision when we cared for her all year round I don't know, but he was the older brother and what he says, goes. Well, one year and my dad had passed and I wanted to be with my mum alone as she was not too favourable of Mr C's mum and his brother refused!
"its your turn", he said. To which I replied, "but this is the first Christmas my mum has been on her own and I need to spend all my attention on being with her" was my reply.
To which he replied, "Sorry, we've made plans and that's that!" So I ended up not with my partner and his mum and went to stay with my mum alone.
And after that we told not to bother with 'turns' and we did all the future turns, which secretly he was quite happy with. It's sad, but his wife became embarrassed by her MIL's condition.
So this business with your turn, my turn doesn't really work in practice.
A bit long-winded, but hope some of it helps you. x

[DustingMyselfOff]

Hi Carnation.... your posts ALWAYS help me, whether it's you sharing what you're struggling with or offering advice to others..... always comforting and helpful, so thank you. I do wonder, however, if you and I should move our "chats" to either email or private messages so we don't bore the others with our long-winded posts?

I ran a few errands last night at by the time I got home I had decided that I was going to "suck it up" and go on the trip as planned. Not only because I want to keep the strong relationship that me and my daughter FINALLY have (we text daily and she turns to me for motherly advice and her daily struggles, and I really think those would stop if I angered/disappointed her by not showing up for what she's considering to be a very important event. The other reason is because I don't want to start avoiding situations that are anxiety-provoking...... if I start giving into those urges, I may end up with a very limited life and rather than learning to deal with anxiety, I will perpetuate it by avoiding things. Drugs are a wonderful thing, so I will be tranquilized to limit the physical symptoms and use them when needed. I have fought medications for decades, and all my doctors urge me to "be kind to myself" and use them - that's what they're there for! And when I chat with co-workers I surprisingly find that a lot of them are on a regimen of taking them three times a day EVERY day I don't think I'll ever do that, but I may as well use them for stressful situations.

My daughter is now doubly thrilled that I will be there and probably even MORE grateful since she knows it was a tough decision. In the end, we do what we have to do for family, and hopefully they are always there when we need them, too.

Thanks for the support.... should we exchange email addresses?
Sue