Relapse! Coping, Symptoms and Tips.

[Carnation]

I feel much better today after resting yesterday.

When anxiety is more apparent and you can't master up the energy to do anything, a rest is sometimes all you need to feel a bit better.

So, today I walked a whole 2 miles!
This is amazing considering I could barely get around the house 3 months ago.
On a good day, I want to get everything done, which is obviously the wrong thing to do, but you know when you are bad, everything gets neglected.

I've got my acid reflux back again and it woke me in the middle of the night.
Burning throat and funny taste in mouth. I'd done so well with my diet and it seemed to settle, but I stupidly had a whole bar of chocolate last night in a moment of weakness and paid the price later. Damn. Why does it have to be chocolate? Why can't it be Brussels or broccoli? I never thought in a million years that chocolate would make me ill. I know it was that, because the rest of the food I had eaten that day was so boring. Chicken, cauliflower, carrots, potatoes, tuna sandwich and toast.

When I look back at what I used to eat and not too long ago.
McDonalds, Snickers, Kentucky Chicken, Twix Bars, Cream Cakes, Mars Bars, Fry-ups, Chinese food, Pizzas, Sticky Toffee Pudding...........
And now I can't eat one small measly bar of chocolate!

Despite that , I took myself off to play piano in a Care Home today.
No, I'm not that good, but I have been learning some classical pieces all by myself and actually played one of them today in public! From memory too.
I started this at the beginning of my relapse. I wanted to keep my mind occupied and learn something new. (The jigsaws were doing my eyes in).
It's good for the brain. It's good for your control. And it's good for your soul.
Well I did it and was quite chuffed with myself.
Ok, I did have piano lessons when I was about 8, but never took it any further.
I'm talking a long time ago and it was very short lived.
Never think you can't do something. If the 'Will' is there you can do almost anything you want.

That's my message for today. Learn something new. Something you really want to do.
Yes, you might have to take anxiety with you, but it can sit there and take a back seat for a change. You are the one in charge and while you rejuvenate your brain, anxiety can sulk in the corner.

You see, anxiety doesn't like being ignored. It wants you to worry and pay attention to it. It's very attention seeking and it might even try to distract you from what you are doing. Think of it as a naughty child. You are the parent so you need to take charge!.

Until next time............

[Carnation]

Didn't do bad today......

Waited in a very crowded Post Office queue, sat still and quiet in the Library and walked a couple of miles.

My walking has improved massively. Still get the blurry eyed feeling occasionally, but mainly when I am tired. Definitely not so cautious when walking around the house and at times almost rushing; which is something I have to curtail.
Rushing brings on a hot flush, then I get panicky.
I am even managing to look people in the eyes when they speak to me, even though I am thinking inside, "they think I am ill, they are going to say something". Or, "I feel hot, I must looked flushed, they are going to make a comment".
And I always say I am fine when someone asks, I don't want any openings about a comment telling me I don't look too good.

You can calm the symptoms, but re-wiring the brain is another thing altogether.
It takes time and practice and basically a brand new routine of thinking.

Talking of that, I am in my final week of Mindfulness.
The last week is basically integrating all that you have learnt and using it in your every day life in a way that you are not taken over and turned in to a robotic being.
The hardest being the negative thoughts.
It's such a hard thing to do if you are a negative sort of person, so I am going to try my hardest to think positive things and outcomes.

Apparently if you wish for or picture good things happening, it is more likely to come true. So, I am going to think myself happy, safe and well.

I haven't done any 'tapping' recently, because I haven't needed it and I have stopped rushing outside when I have one of my flushes, I sit through it and I can tell you that rushing outside or away from your spot has no extra in calming down. It actually goes quicker if you just let it pass and carry on with the task in hand.
Same with adrenalin. I feel it in my legs and sometimes my feet.
My body wants to run, but you need to tell your brain there is no fear and stay!
Carry on with what you are doing. Yes, you might feel frightened, but what are doing at the time? Peeling potatoes, brushing your hair, cleaning your teeth?
Just say to yourself, "I'm ok, I need to get this task done and there is no fear with what I am doing".

So, until next time...........

[KK77]

You offer a lot of insight and positivity in your posts, Carnation. Enjoy reading your updates - a welcome distraction from the me me me doom-mongers

[Carnation]

Thank you KK77

[pulisa]

I agree, KK. You seem so much better, Carnation- I know you now have more time to yourself but I doubt whether I would have been able to do what you have done re improving your life in similar circumstances. I hate rushing around but find myself doing it a lot and it's horrible. Pacing yourself is so much more productive and cuts down on stress.

[Carnation]

That's nice to hear Pulisa. x
Sometimes you can't see what other people see.
I certainly have a lot more time to myself now mum has gone and partner's mum is in a home, which I have to say was not his choice or mine, but fate took a hand in this. She went in to respite while we waited for a new Care Agency as the last one folded and that was 4 months ago! Now my partner has adjusted to his mum being in a home as her needs are far more demanding being almost 92 and unable to move and the best bit about all of this, is she likes it there.
It's an independent with only a small amount of rooms. She has entertainment every day, a film in the afternoon, great home cooking a view of a rugby pitch from the lounge and a resident cat.
It's strange because for weeks we were still getting up early thinking we had carer's duties and mistakenly buying in food for her and so on.
It takes a long time to realise that your time is your own and you are free to do what you like. We sat in every evening and then I suddenly realised that we could go out and I said to my partner, "You know we can go out now if we want?" "Oh yes we can, can't we?" he said. We had both got in to a rigid routine and being on call 24/7, that it didn't sink in for some time that we could do anything else.
Problem is that you get so used to doing nothing socially, that you rack your brain as to what to do anyway. Socially you get cut off, so you sort of have to start from scratch.

Pulisa, try not to have doubts about improving your life. You can, no matter how small or big if the opportunity arrives. The hardest task is knowing or finding what you actually want to improve and going about it. For a start, you deserve it! x

Early today with my blog.........
I used to rush around so much, which only made me more grumpy.
Even running from room to room like a crazy woman. (No pun intended there).
I wouldn't let anyone do anything, I had to do it all myself, but now Mr C shares the duties. Except for the cooking. He's a terrible cook. Can only cook things on toast or an omelette. Although he can do some mean mash potato now.

It's very hard to slow down or do one thing at a time when you have so many chores or people to care for. It is actually non-productive to be that way. For yourself and for the task in hand. It's that saying, 'Less Haste, more Speed'.
I sometimes find myself slipping and realise I am cooking the dinner, feeding the cat, making a cup of tea, loading the washing machine and washing the kitchen floor all at once and I go, "Whoa! Slow down, Stop! Poor brain can't handle this".
After what seems like a lifetime of juggling and stress, it's time to be Mindful and look after myself.

I have to say that the 'Mindfulness Course' was very helpful for me and my improvement has gone from 30% to 70%. Well, Rome was not built in a day or a six week course. See, we even want to rush getting better.

I think the Mindfulness during every day chores was the most rewarding and I still use this everyday with eating and getting ready in the morning.
These two things I always used to rush. I'm surprised I haven't got hairbrush scratches on my head with the severity of quick brushing in the morning. And teeth. You would have thought I was scrubbing a floor the way I used to brush my teeth. No wonder they bled.
As I have said before, be gentle on yourself. Be the parent to your body and mind.
You gain much respect for yourself as well.

Until next time....

[Buster70]

That list of what you used to eat made me hungry mmmmm , I think most people have to give up certain foods as they get older , onion , tomatoes , chocolate at night , caviar on toast ..
Now your time is your own again ( well most of it ) you seem to be going all out to get yourself better which is great and you know it's not a sprint , more cross country there will be ups and downs but your frame of mind seems a hell of a lot better than before hope it's catching .
Maybe one day you might have that little vintage / antiquey shop ( might have made that word up doesn't look right ? ) or vintage clothes .
Anyway carry on carrying on .

[Carnation]

Are you saying I am old Buster?

[Buster70]

Well you did mention your first car was steam powered

[Carnation]

Ha ha
Worse than that. It was an Escort!