Hello.. new member here
Hello... here's my story.. it's gonna be really long so.. sorry...
I'm 33, live in Portugal and I've been dealing with an overactive bladder, anxiety and depression for about.. 10-15 years now?
I don't really know what started it but I remember being at university in 2005, I was on my second year and one day in the middle of class I started feeling like I would die if I didn't go to the bathroom. From there on this was everyday and every time. Some days I could go through with a whole morning or evening without feeling too bad, other days I couldn't go 10 minutes without feeling like I was about to wet my pants.
Later in the year I abandoned university because I just wasn't able to focus on class and tests and also the anxiety of finding a job suddenly was just turning me more and more into a bathroom runner.
The irony of it all ofc is going to the bathroom every 5 minutes but not being able to pee because.. as a doctor told me after I did a bunch of medical exams "your bladder is empty.. it's ALL in your head". At the time I was worried that my kidneys or bladder had gone bad or that I had some sort of weird illness so it was a bit frustrating to find out it was all due to anxiety. I didn't even know something like a overactive bladder existed. Now I probably know more about it than my family doctor.
Since then it has been hell for me. I tried lots of different jobs through the years but my bladder issues always get in the way. Even when I love the job and it's so easy or comfortable I can do it with eyes closed.. eventually my bathroom running starts to make it impossible for me to continue working mostly because of embarrassment (towards the people who I work with honestly). It's hard.. very very hard to explain to people why some days you need to go pee every 15 minutes without sounding like a crazy lady.
It was in 2015 that things got really really bad. I was working at an office at the time for about 6 or 7 months now (the job was easy) but the co-workers was what I had issues with. The boss was never around, the supervisor was really dumb and the rest of the staff that have been there longer just took advantage of that all the time. And then some issues surrounding a co-worker who I was really good friends with started to get to me. She was being treated unfairly by others, they were always talking behind her back too and I really hated it. I tried to ignore the whole thing, but when these awful people keep messing up the work and then it's YOU that has to deal with it to cover their asses.. well let's just say it was started to get me really irritated. The environment in the office had suddenly turned very stressful and uncomfortable for me. I was anxious all the time and unfortunately I couldn't put it all past behind me when I has forced to work with some of the people that I was started to dislike a lot. My bathroom breaks were definitely getting longer and more through all these too.. lol
Eventually I had a nervous breakdown and after an emergency appointment with my family doctor I took sick leave for a few weeks. Until this point I was only dealing with my overactive bladder and some conflicts at home with my parents. I had never had such a weird reaction to people who I was working with. Actually I had always felt pretty detached about co-workers tbh. I was never one to have a lot of friends and making friends with people who I worked with had always been hard for me. So I guess the whole situation at work was something new and from there on I couldn't only feel stress, anxiety and depression.
I finally quit the job because I just didn't want to go back. And the next months of not being able to find a new job and dealing with my parents pressure eventually got me a psychiatric evaluation where I was diagnosed with Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). I got some medication with it to help with the anxiety and depression and I also had a few sessions with a psychologist.. (Though the psychologist ran me off after a few weeks saying I was on the right path and that I didn't really need her help.. whut?)
My psychiatrist on the other hand has been a gift from the heavens. He is really understanding and I feel like I can talk with him about pretty much everything that bother me. It sucks that I only get an appointment with him every two months or so now. With his help after the first months on medication (on sertraline and pregabalin) I ended up gaining courage to try to turn my life around and signed up to take an accounting course for one year. It was weird.. going back to school after so many years. It was hard but also something new. It was what I needed. All the people I met during that year got me more positive. I was still feeling a bit down and stressed, yes, and ofc my bladder was still making my life difficult, but I actually had some sort of inner strength that made me able to go through with it until the very end!
Now we are back to the now.. the present.. Well my present feels very bleak right now. I finished the course last year in July and since then I feel very much alone again. I have been looking for a job again but, honestly, I feel so anxious about just thinking about going back to work in some new place with people I don't know. My parents also keep pushing me into it and they fight a lot since I was little. So the place where I live (where I grew up) is full of conflict and stress. I want to get out of here. I feel like I NEED to get out of here really. But I got no money and no job. I thought the accounting course would at least give me some advantage when seeking a new job now, but not really. Most of the jobs I find available are ones that I know I wouldn't be able to handle just because of my frequent need to pee.. ahhh
At the moment my medication is: sertraline (50mg twice a day breakfast/dinner time) and gabapentin (100mg at breakfast/lunch and 200mb at dinner/before bed).
My doctor changed me from pregabalin (50mg twice a day and 75mg at dinner) to gabapentin last week. Because lately I had been feeling very depressed, I was fighting all the time with my parents and crying all the time too. I was just moody all the time, angry or nervous or sad.. but never happy. It got so bad that I was starting to think about suicide at times. I just wasn't confident that the medication was doing its work anymore, so the change. And I feel a bit more calm now, but I think that's because the dosage of the gabapentin is so high. I don't know. These days I keep forgetting things, got a very dry through that actually hurts and I feel nauseous a lot too.
I found No More Panic forum when googling pregabalin and gabapentin a few days ago, and yesterday at night I couldn't sleep so I ended up reading some posts about overactive bladder too.. haha I decided to register in the forum today because honestly I felt the need to talk about what I'm feeling right now and I feel not so alone or helpless when I'm reading what other people have to say about anxiety, depression and bladder control. Things I have been dealing with and so I feel like they will understand what I'm going through, and that I can understand what they are feeling too.
I think it's time to end this post that is very big.. I'm sorry to the brave ones that will read this until the end.. and also thank you.
See you around!
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